Alright kiddos, so Real Housewives of New Jersey happened so let's all take a break from bashing our heads against the wall to read this recap. I personally would rather go through another drug-free labor than spend one more minute on the Teresa Giudice vs. Melissa Gorga mess, but hey – duty calls. Oh – and in case you haven't heard I had a baby this week! Word to the wise: try to get to the hospital in a timely manner, right Melissa?!!
Last night Teresa and Melissa put forth another round of she-said/she-said; bobbing and weaving around the ring like two drag queens in a RuPaul's Drag Race boxing challenge. Except the fashionably challenged version! It was sparkly leopard print verbal uppercut blocked by spray-tanned orange fauxmarble encrusted sucker punch. And a low-brow duck followed by a high-brow weave and spin. Before we knew it, fur was flying and Caroline Manzo's front yard petting zoo had died in vain over more of Teresa and Melissa's nonsense.
Since we're talking boxing – things begin in a gym. Apparently all of Franklin Lakes and its surrounding lower echelon suburbs go to the same gym and NONE of them knew it! Just imagine… no awkward collisions at the lowfat banana smoothie bar ever occurred! Who would believe it?!
Just when I think Abby Lee Miller can't sink to a new low in favoritism and self-importance, I'm treated to a new episode of Dance Moms. Last night's show was insane!
Abby is on Cloud Nine after beating Cathy and her Candy Apples, but Kelly and Christi are still not speaking. Before the pyramid begins, Asia and Kristie 2.0 return. Asia finds herself at the bottom for missing last week due to a television gig. Nia is next for lagging just a tad behind in the group number. Kendall is called out for a lacking rehearsal, and Paige rounds out the bottom tier even though she garners Abby's praise.
MacKenzie finds herself in fourth place followed by Chloe and Maddie. Abby cannot say enough about the girls' flawless duet. Brooke takes the top spot–has that ever happened?–for dancing up with the senior troupe. The group number is entitled "Living with the Ribbon." Abby wants it to be a tribute number to all of the people who have been affected by cancer, and Melissa immediately gets choked up because she lost her mother to the disease.
On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy, our favorite wig-wearing delusionite came up with a new reason for why she can't do anything for herself.
Apparently Kim Zolciak now has ADD and it's the all the fault of that pesky birth control chip known as the IUD. So what's a lady of the wigdor to do? Yank it out in the powder room all by herself, y'all! Don't Be Classy!
Things begin with Kim at home roaming around pretending to be busy while the nannies hover in the corner just to the left of screen. In the meantime Brielle is doing everything possible to get Kim's attention while Kim talks about herself and pretends she's sooooooooo busy. Brielle says that now that Kim is married to Kroy Biermann and dealing with the boys she feels like she never gets anytime with her mom alone.
I'm sure the Mexican government is bogged down with the drug war, but they also need to turn their attentions to a more pressing issue: The Battle For Tamra Barney. I predict a full-fledged blonde extensions tearing, botox rearranging, wine bottle throwing, Gretchen Christine Plastic Sack swinging, stiletto stabbing, lip gloss jabbing, boob job deflating battle on next week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Get the popcorn ready!
On last night's episode the ladies remained in Mexico to terrorize the locals. Vicki Gunvalson decided it was high time she reasserted herself as the true BFF of Tamra, so she smuggled her out to a Mexican bar and forced her to woodenly shake her butt on the bar like they were 20. You can just call her Vicki FUNvalson!
Oh ladies… Grannies Gone Wild! Poor Lydia McLauglin, forced into light-up Minnie Mouse ears that were leftovers from a Disney on Ice performance in the area, didn't even look like she was having fun but was putting on a drunk act to fit in.
Tina is upset because things seem to be changing between her and Tarz. He's too into work, and she feels totally unwanted. Tina feels stupid airing her issues, and she hates that Tarz doesn't seem to find her as attractive as he used to before they were married. He wants to scale back, but his inner workaholic isn't letting him.
John is hoping to show Kathryn that he is capable of manual labor by painting the nursery. She was raised by a handy father, while he grew up thinking that a true sign of success was the ability to hire people to do those things for you. Thankfully, before he can paint too much, there is a tanning salon emergency because the beds won't work. As Kathryn tries to fix the problem, John keeps shushing her. He's very dismissive of her part in the business. If I were Kathryn, John would have a paintbrush where the sun doesn't shine.
Whoa, Nellie! Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was full of bleeped out rants and blurred out bodies, so basically it was like any other Monday night!
Mimi Faustand Ariane are still vacationing in New York City on what has to be the least fun trip ever. While Mimi is over all things with K. Michelle, she is concerned that Ariane is straddling the fence. She needs to choose between Mimi and K. Michelle. Ariane assures Mimi of where her loyalty lies, and Mimi asks for her take on Nikko. Not beating around the bush, Ariane tells her friend that she believes Nikko is not very genuine, but she's happy as long as Mimi is happy.
Lil' Scrappy has called Shay in Erica Dixon's absence. She is happy to come by and give him a massage and chat about their relationship. The pair decides–much to Shay's chagrin–that sex ultimately ruined their friendship, and they'll have to cut out the "benefits" portion of their relationship. Of course, Scrappy makes this decision while rubbing on Shay in his bed. No one is shocked, are they?
But first, Amanda Bertoncini and Joey Lauren must kinda, sorta, not really deal with the fallout from last week's drunken pool party. Amanda's annoying voice opens the show, sharing, "A slap in the face heals but a harsh word is always remembered," adding, "I'm surprised that half the girls in Long Island don't have black eyes." #lifelessonsbybravo
So, Joey meets Amanda to talk about the Jeff/Sara/Facebook drama, and she kind of apologizes for, um, something. However, Joey refuses to accept any responsibility for the hurtful words that were said or the drinks that were thrown, and Amanda still believes that Joey should have at least asked her friend to leave the party. In the end, Amanda accepts Joey's apology, but she vows to keep her eye on her in the future.
On last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the Gorgadice battle continued, although the small beginnings of a peace treaty seemed to have been forged. Maybe…
Things begin in Casa de Giudice. Teresa Giudice is cooking while wrangling four screaming girls. Apparently there is some confustion (Teresa tawk) about who is actually the mama because while Milania is playing on the stove terrorizing some peppers, Gia is lecturing her about safety. Teresa meanwhile is flitting around in full hair and makeup yelling, "O.M.G!"
Teresa says she always reminds her girls to stick together and not end up married to men their siblings hate. Then she gives them a lecture on table manners. 1) Like, don't scream 'prostitution whore' unless the person really is a prostitution whore and has been engaged like 19 times! Like O.M.G!