Ever since Big Rich Atlanta premiered, an annoying little gnat has been flying around my face, buzzing in my ear, and burning up my eye balls. Well, it gives me much joy to report that Ashlee Wilson-Hawn has left Atlanta. And my TV. While I'm sure this will be a short-lived triumph, I welcome the chance to spend more drama-free time with the other ladies of Big Rich Atlanta.
To kick off this glorious Gnatlee-free episode, family friend Queen Evelyn helps Virginia Kolb, Harvin Eadon, andMeyer Eadon prep for the Gay Pride parade. Costumes are involved. Of course. "Costumes are everything to us," Meyer announces. "We would never go anywhere without costumes."
New addition to my bucket list: rock a costume and party with Virginia, Harvin, and Meyer at least once before I die. And, if I dare to be greedy, Bonnie Blossman and Whitney Whatley will be there as well. #diehappy
Last night's Dance Moms was a lesson in opposites. For once, Abby Lee Miller was in a (dare I say?) nice mood. She kept her criticism to a minimum and was full of compliments for the girls. However, former besties Kelly and Christi caused tension wherever they went and end up at each other's throats. Was it a full moon?
The episode begins as the dancers and moms convene at the studio, and the women are all wondering about Christi and Chloe's status with ALDS. Kelly still hasn't heard from her friend, although Christi has briefly spoken to Holly. The mother-daughter duo arrive, and the girls are elated to see their friend. Abby refuses to speak to Christi, but Christi still manages an apology and admits that she's made peace with the competition's director to smooth things over on Abby's behalf.
Abby is very disappointed in the girls' showing at the recent competition, and she rips Cathy to shreds. Holly maintains that Abby was insensitive to Nia's health issues, but Abby doesn't want to hear it. Nia is at the bottom of the pyramid, as is Paige for not getting to dance thanks to Holly's outburst. Kendall joins her friends because she didn't place in her solo. MacKenzie and Brooke are on the middle rung, and both gain Abby's praise. Maddie is back on top again for winning with her solo. This week, the girls will be dancing in Florida. Everyone is permitted to dance in the group routine entitled "Money is the Root of All Evil." The costumes will be green and made out of real money. What? Maddie and Brooke both receive solos.
Oh good lord with this show. I really think the cast of Vanderpump Rules should just bottle their tears and sell them as a cocktail at SUR. I mean someone is always crying! In every scene: sob, sob, sob, sob… If Diamond Water can become a thing, Teary Vodka can.
So last night Jax Taylor proved that he is just as self-absorbed as Stassi Schroeder (what did we expect from a male model!) when he dumped rebound girlfriend Laura-Leigh of the Minnie Mouse helium voice and meth addiction after her AA meeting. Yep, that happened – although he told her they could keep having sex.
And in the same episode Stassi showed why she has no friends and is always getting shizzed upon by boyfriends; because she treats people like CRAP! And we all know you treat people how you expect to be treated. Stassi, Princess of Low Self-Esteem. She wears transparent well, doesn't she?
The hometown dates are usually either really boring, when the families are completely willing to accept the Bachelor into their lives after only two hours, or really awkward, when one or two family members remain skeptical and/or actively sabotage. Sean's hometown dates are no exception.
"Family is so big for me," Sean says. "This is a great week for me to really get a good sense of where these women come from." Based on the intro, it appears as if AshLee comes from Baggageville, Catherine's sisters are Cinderella levels of jealous, Lindsay comes from The Happy Locker, and Desiree's brother (Holla!) is a Menace II Reality TV Love.
So where do we begin with this mess of a show that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was just a blur of white noise. Splits Richards decided there hadn't been enough drama as of late so she decided to host her annual White Party. I mean screw P Diddy and Cannes, this is THE event of the season. Bust out your white swim suit cover-ups, get ready to twirl your hair round your head like a helicopter (one of these days Kyle is going to take off!), and then go threaten to sue your friends! Open bar on the left.
In other happenings,Kim Richards got a nose job. I mean, what else has she got to do? Kim's nose job – not big news in the real BH, I imagine, but in the RHOBH it's cause for celebration. And why not? Kim has never entertained anyone not even us on this show so perhaps it's time for her to do some party hosting. Isn't that what these broads do with their spare time when they're not hiring lawyers because their girlfriends talk shit about them?
So anyway, Kim's having a re-done nose party (I hope she got a ton of cards that said: 'Congratulations on your re-done nose!'). She has this sweet little coffee bar set up and she's rocking a Mrs. Roper mumu as she swans around the pool. It was all very seventies. I've noticed a lot of what Splits and Kim do is circa seventies (hello… THE White Party, y'all!).
Speaking of Splits, she shows up towing along two adorable little girls and one orangey blob in a scarecrow wig. Yeah, Faye Resnick was there, but by the blessed gods of Bravo she barely spoke and stayed mainly off camera. Perhaps they wanted to keep the party focused on decent plastic surgery.
Let's get started with the stupidity, shall we? Chelsea's friend comes by to visit, and Chelsea whines that her IUD fell out the other day when she was going to the bathroom. TMI. Her friend inquires as to whether Chelsea saw her doctor, but Chelsea didn't have time…Adam came over to see her for the first time in ages. Not shockingly, they pair ends up getting it on…sans condom, of course. Don't worry, y'all. She won't get pregnant because he pulled out before finishing. TMITMITMITMI!!!! I wonder how she thinks Aubree came to be…Her friend urges her to make better choices, and Chelsea whines that she doesn't have her normal "giddy for Adam" feelings. That's definitely something to be proud of as you await your period, moron!
At least Kailyn is making better choices, right? Oh wait…no. She gets upset that Jo's girlfriend is over at his house when she drops off Isaac, and she and Jo get into a physical altercation that ends with her filing for a temporary order of protection from abuse. Violence is not the answer, but I will never understand her double standard of allowing Javi around Isaac after one date while Jo's serious girlfriend is a problem. Kailyn's friend Mark (who is totally in love with her) comes over to hear her story. Mark tries to give her some sound advice, but she won't listen. I can't believe the language she uses in front of her son. Kailyn explains that she'll have temporary full custody until their hearing in two weeks. Mark just seems totally befuddled at his friend's behavior.
Love & Hip Hop returned last night with a vengeance. Apparently the cast had a lot of fights to make up for after being off the air for a week. Almost every story line incorporated a screaming match, if not a physical altercation. Keeping it classy as always, VH1!
The episode begins as Erica Mena and Rich Dollaz are celebrating her success in the recording studio. She is ready to start on the video, and Rich teases her for being demanding. He wants the pair to sign a contract. Rich isn't going to ask for any favors just because Erica is his girlfriend. She wants to be cautious with her career.
Lore'l is working on her music, and Winter Amos comes to see her at the studio. Winter wants to help her friend reach her potential. She wants to know why Lore'l hasn't already become the next big thing. Lore'l has broken Business 101, and she's being managed by one of her good friends. Winter thinks this is a huge issue, and she plants the seed in Lore'l's head to look for better management.
The short recap: Lilly annoys. Asa mouths wow and Mike smiles pretty. Mean girls Asa and Reza attack GG and MJ. Asa mouths wow and Mike smiles pretty. Reza pouts when he doesn't get enough attention. Asa mouths wow and Mike smiles pretty. I pretend Lilly's hair and boobs form an alliance to take down Asa and Reza.