Oh my good gracious. Y'all know how I feel about the ladies of MTV's Teen Mom franchise, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I've always held out hope for a slightly normal life for the first cycle's Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra. The couple chose adoption for their daughter on their episode of 16 & Pregnant, and they have faced multiple relationship and socio-economic hurdles with grace and maturity.
Both Catelynn and Tyler came from backgrounds where the cards were already stacked against them, but the pair seems determined to beat the odds. Despite family drama (his jailbird dad married her addict mom–and that relationship was nothing short of abusive), the two graduated high school and started working towards college degrees. Now, they are moving their issues to MTV's sister network. Le sigh.
Kailyn, 21, hasn't confirmed (or denied) the story yet, but In Touch claims that friends and family outed her pregnancy news to them. Let's hope she okayed that ahead of time!
Rumor has it that Kail and husband Javi Marroquin, 20, are ecstatic about becoming parents together. Kailyn's sister-in-law told them that the pregnancy wasn't planned, but they were hoping to add to their family down the road anyway. She tells the magazine, “They’re overjoyed! When Kailyn told Javi, he cried.”
This may sound a bit odd, but I've taken to thinking of Teen Mom 2 (actually the entire franchise) as MTV's personal Truman Show. It's not true, it's just the network's way of punking everyone everywhere. In fact, it's getting to be the only way I can rationalize these girls and their unapologetically abhorrent behavior (that includes you, Farrah Abraham!). It has to be some sort of joke or satirical take on modern society, right?
In my head, Jenelle Evans is using this as her doctoral thesis, and Leah Messer Sims Calvert is planning to use her footage to create a poignant yet ironic documentary on the importance of self-esteem and the teenage girl. Kailyn Lowry is working undercover to fix glitches in the family court that allow one parent to abuse the legal system just to get back at the ex who scorned them…she's good at her job, by the way. Finally, Chelsea Houska is having the last laugh, as she's actually fluent in eight languages (whining is the ninth!), and she's testing a scientific theory regarding how high pitched and nasally a voice must be before viewers press the mute button. Well played, ladies. Well played. Too bad my alternate Teen Mom universe is just one blogger's sad delusions.
So, let's get to last night's episode, shall we? Jenelle is recovering from her boob job, and she can't wait until she's fully recovered so she can spend some time with Jace. Sadly, that won't happen until the poor child is at least eighteen. Gary is taking good care of her, and Jenelle wants to talk about three things: 1) Kieffer; 2) what Gary thinks of her new ta-tas; and 3) Kieffer. Oh, wait… Kieffer has been texting Jenelle, and Gary isn't willing to lose his "career" to fight with such a loser if he decides to come visit. He'd rather get back to checking out Jenelle's new rack.
Since Jenelle Evans is the reigning train wreck on Teen Mom 2, someone needs to step up to the plate in the original franchise…especially with Amber Portwood stories at a lull due to her incarceration. Leave it to Farrah Abraham to take over the role as most idiotic Teen Mom. Speaking out about her recent DUI arrest (you know, the one where she blew nearly twice the legal limit!), Farrah wants to set the record straight about what happened. Clearly, it wasn't her fault.
Blaming her sister, mainly, and being sick, in part, Farrah wants everyone to believe she didn't do anything wrong. I'm actually insulted that she truly thinks that people will be dumb enough to buy into her ridiculous story. Add in the arrogance of seeking out a media outlet to spread her crap, and I'm totally befuddled by little Miss Farrah. Geez.
I am sure I am not the only person who is sheerly astounded by the arrogance that is Farrah Abraham. From deciding she's a writer and a chef, to telling her three-year-old she has hideous eyebrows, Farrah sure does think she knows everything!
Monday night the former Teen Mom star got arrested for a DUI. Farrah blew a .147 on the breathalyzer which is twice the legal limit in Omaha, NE where she was nabbed about 1am.
According to the police report, thankfully secured by TMZ, Farrah put up quite the fuss with the cops as well. Why am I not surprised! Farrah was pulled over when she almost took out a police car making a super wide, drunken turn.
Things are heating up in the assault case and yesterday Courtland's mom, Holley Rogers, along with Courtland's sister, Carson Rogers, were subpoenaed to court. Our source tells us, "The charges are false and those that are close with the family feel that Jenelle will get in trouble in the end."
I don't know about you, but I wish the producers of Teen Mom 2 would ban their little starlets from any type of social media and ban them from the tabloids…at least during the season. I'd be a lot more inclined to root for Jenelle Evans if I didn't know what a train wreck she's become. Also, I'd be more invested inLeah Messer Simms Calvert's love triangle and Kailyn Lowry's attempt to make Jo jealous if I didn't already know the ending. As for Chelsea Houska, I'm glad to see that beauty school is going so well…but that's the only surprise of the season!
Kailyn is finished with school for the summer, and she's excited to spend more time with Javi and Isaac. I'll give it to Javi…he's really great with Isaac. Of course, she's yet to set up any kind of co-parenting counseling with Jo. Kailyn is ready for Javi to move in since he's spent every night at her place for months. Let's break it down…she's ready for Javi to stop freeloading and help with the rent and the cleaning. Kailyn admits she doesn't want to hold against him the fact that she foots the bill should the two argue. Again, I find it hilarious (and I know I write this every week!) that she wants a live-in boyfriend, yet Jo's girlfriend can't even be on the same premises as Isaac. Kailyn is just ready to get married. At twenty, she isn't getting any younger. MTV needs a swift kick in the pants for glorifying these girls!