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Bachelorette Season 8

The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard <yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.

Those 3 Stooges would be Kalon McMahon, Ryan Bowers, and Chris Bukowski. They were obviously the stars of the night, with a side dish of Sean Lowe <SCREAMS!>.

Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr.  are not there, but the men who escaped a lifetime of love few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.

Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.

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This week on the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard visits the hometowns of the final four suckers for a pretty blonde – Chris Bukowski, Jef Holm, Arie Luyendyk, Jr., and Sean Lowe.  Matching the rest of the season, it’s one of the most uneventful hometown episodes ever.  There are the standard meets and greets, uneaten dinners, one-on-one grilling sessions, and claims of love.  Emily’s conversations mostly fall flat, as she’s seriously lacking personality.  Yet, as always, the families are completely willing to accept Emily into their lives after spending just two hours with her.

Before she begins the visits, Emily heads home to Charlotte to see Ricki.  While she’s there, she thinks about the final four men.  According to Emily:

Chris is sweet and open. Jef has the edge that Emily looks for in a guy, and she feels comfortable with him. Emily felt an immediate connection with Arie.  He brings fun and excitement into her life.  (And he’s a really good kisser.)  Sean makes Emily feel safe. Sean is “perfect.”

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Last week on the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard said goodbye to Travis Pope (egg guy) and Ryan Bowers (sweet talker) in Croatia.  This week, Emily wants us to believe she handles her own luggage as she and the remaining suckers suitors head to Prague.  Chris Harrison meets the men in Prague to remind them this is the the last set of dates before the hometown dates.  Also, he explains how this week is going to go down.  There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date.  There will be a rose up for grabs on the group date but not on the one-on-one dates.

The six remaining bachelors are Arie Luyendyk Jr., John Wolfner, Chris Bukowski, Doug Clerget, Jef Holm, and Sean Lowe.  The first date goes to Arie.  The date card reads, “Let’s Czech out Prague together.”  Emily’s date outfit is interesting – knee-high boots, Ricki’s bedazzled shorts, button up shirt that she forgot to finish buttoning, and a suit jacket.  Out of the blue, Emily lets us know she knows something about Arie but he doesn’t know she knows. Very soon after this revelation it’s painfully obvious that Emily is going to resort to passive aggressive hints for most of the date rather than talking to Arie about what she knows.  Very mature, Emily.

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This week on The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard and her minions are in Croatia.  The previews suggest that Ryan Bowers is the punching bag of the week.  Also, we should expect lots of kissing and some drama at the rose ceremony.  Could it be?  Really for real – the most shocking rose ceremony ever?!?

According to Jef Holm, Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love.  I beg to differ.  I met my (now) husband at Wal-Mart 16 years ago, and he’s been wooing me ever since.  Croatia vs. Wal-Mart – really, it’s no contest.  The always-classy Wal-Mart wins, right? If Emily insists on making it complicated, we might as well see what Croatia has to offer.

Emily surprises the guys by hand delivering the first date card.  It goes to Travis Pope and reads, “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.”  Travis was engaged once before.  He says, “When it didn’t work out, it was the lowest point in my life.”  Lower than befriending an ostrich egg and naming it Shelly?  Wow.  That must have been really low.

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Emily Maynard is engaged!  The last man standing proposed to The Bachelorette just after midnight on May 11.  He reportedly put a 4-carat Neil Lane diamond ring worth roughly $90,000 on her finger!  ABC filmed the final rose ceremony on the Caribbean island Curaçao.

An insider tells Life & Style, “It was truly a one-of-a-kind fairy-tale experience for her.”

The average Bachelor/Bachelorette engagement normally ends sometime between the most dramatic proposal ever and the most dramatic after the rose ever.  Will Emily and her man beat the odds? The source says, “Emily is still happy and engaged. She is ecstatic. She’s over the moon and loves her ring.”  So far, so good.

No word on WHO the lucky fella is, but many believe it could be Arie Luyendyk, Jr. With the Arie love, though, comes the Arie controversy.

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There are ten bachelors left on ABC’s wildly successful entertaining The Bachelorette.  This week, the guys score a free trip to London.  Yes, Emily Maynard is there too, as there’s always a catch.  The guys are checking out the scenery when the first date card comes into play.  The one-on-one date goes to Sean Lowe.  Date card reads, “Love takes no prisoners.” Emily and Sean tour London.  Sean speaks to the people of London about love.  Sean is my favorite bachelor thus far; however, this date is dreadfully boring.  The date card should have read, “Emily brings the history lesson while Sean brings the pretty.”

The group date card arrives.  It reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”  The mushroom farmer is the first to connect this quote to Shakespeare. I don’t know the rate at which mushrooms grow, so he might have a lot of free time in the fields to read tragic tales such as Romeo and Juliet.  Or, a producer might have written the answer on his hand.  The group date goes to…

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Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home.  We’re off to Bermuda!  I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.

The first date card goes to Doug Clerget.  It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.”  Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates.  The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home.  They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.

I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz.  Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July.  This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?

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Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait.  In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight.  More on that later.  First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.

Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does.  You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed.  Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say.  And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.”  Tupperware = oozing personality.  Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.

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