Stephen McGee

Carl and Jaclyn

Last night Kyle Cooke celebrated a birthday on Summer House, but all anyone could think about or talk about or not have sex with was Carl Radke. There’s something about Carl, apparently!

While the Wirkus’s are away, Carl’s roving eye will play. And it casts its spell on Jaclyn Shuman who is all too happy to oblige – to a point. Massages in the hot tub – check! Sexual innuendo – Check! Promises to share a room – Check! Willingness to share a bed… uncheck! Jaclyn is one of those girls who just needs attention. Like if there is a peen in the vicinity she is tracking it like the Chanel coat on a mannequin that will be headed for the sample sale post season.

After she throws herself at Carl all night, and invites him to share her room, Jaclyn directs Carl to the futon and turns out the light. She giggles that she knows what she’s doing, and also that it’s going to look sooooo bad to the rest of the house. So bright and early the next morning, she skuttles into the Wirkus twins room to reveal that Carl was snoring the blue balls away on her futon. Lauren Wirkus is still trying to play it cool-ish with Carl, but Ashley Wirkus has no such compunctions!

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Lindsay Hubbard

The friendship between Lindsay Hubbard and Cristina Gibson crashed and burned pretty much immediately after Summer House started airing. It was obvious there was going to be tension between these two, but I didn’t see the messy end to a friendship that ended up happening. And the drama wasn’t confined to the filming that took place last summer, Lindsay and Cristina are going at it on social media. Cristina’s boyfriend Everett Weston also jumped in on the feud.

I thought that this show was going to be all about the Wirkus Twins and Kyle Cooke, so I’m surprised that Lindsay and Cristina have the most conflict, but their pettiness makes for good TV…and Twitter feed.

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Summer House - Cristina

I think I understand why Kyle Cooke drinks so much on Summer House, because I would have to be drunk to survive friendships with these people. In the center of all of last night’s drama was the fractured friendship of Cristina Gibson and Lindsay Hubbard.

Ugh these two. Ugh all these twos. Especially Lindsay and Everrett Weston.

After Lindsay drunkenly announced that Cristina was fired from her job, she got in a car and slapped Everett in the face for “being rude.” This erupted into a house-wide drunken fight during which Kyle just slurred “sorry” at a bag of chips approximately 300 times, until Everett dumped Lindsay, who hid under the covers until Ashely Wirkus came to console her.

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Lindsay Hubbard

On last night’s Summer House, roommates turned enemies, and Lauren Wirkus demonstrated how to lose a guy you don’t want in 10 days or less.

After learning of Carl Radke‘s “betrayal” in bringing a date to a wedding, then lying about it, Lauren has decided she must confront him to let him know A) she doesn’t care; and B) she does care that he lied; and C) she’s a super chill, rational, understanding, forgiving person who totally doesn’t want to marry Carl and have extremely tall babies. Carl got his karma, however, because he came down with tonsillitis at the wedding and is forced to endure an entire weekend in Montauk, including Lauren’s rambling lecture while sober.

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Lauren Wirkus freaks out

On last night’s Summer House we met the newest housewife Jaclyn Shuman, and Do. Not. Like. So far. Sorry.  Also, Lauren Wirkus got a first glimpse of the sleaze-o-rama that is Carl Radke, and Kyle Cooke finally, officially, had his last bootycall with the foolish Amanda. Well that’s what he says anyway.

But first we must break-down the hot tub wrestling match that went on between Kyle and Everett Weston the night before. Ashley Wirkus has never seen water slash so high as when Everett threw it at Kyle’s slurring mouth. Ashley – you could walk to the beach which is probably like 8 feet from you. She crashes Lauren and Kyle’s slumber party to reveal the details of the fight. She’s shocked Everett got so worked up over Kyle trying to simmer down his argument with Lindsay Hubbard.

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Kyle Cooke in a mullett wig

On last night’s Summer House, Fourth Of July fell on a Monday, which meant the party continued for one more lovely day!

Despite having to venture back to the city to begin a hellacious 3-day work week, the housemates threw a ‘casual’ BBQ brunch, where they frolicked in flag-adorned wardrobes, then strapped on their respectable fisherman’s sweaters and chinos to jettison back to reality later that evening, or in some cases, 4 am the following morning.

Yes, in Montauk every minute is a minute you could be consuming a cocktail, or dealing with a c–k! (or is it dick – I’m conflating the two with good reason here). The rules of Summer House are governed by Kyle Cooke and his roving eye.

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Summer House premiere - Wirkus Twins

If Bravo tricked you into checking out Summer House by adroitly tucking it onto the end of Vanderpump Rules, then you are in luck because here is a recap.

If you haven’t yet been wooed by the idea of men-children in tight white chinos paired with pastel polo shirts, then I implore you to tune in OnDemand, if only to better appreciate this recap. Because taking a cue from any good Bravolebrity, everything is about Me! Me! Me! Even Summer House. Last night we got our first taste of Montauk living from a bunch of late-twenty/early-thirty something New Yorkers who spend their summers in a rented mansion partying, playing girls (and each other), and wearing pastels.

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Summer House - Season 1

Bravo is kicking off the new year with new shows and tonight we’ll get our first glimpse of the much contested Summer House!

With the least popular members of Vanderpump Rules partying in Montauk for Stassi Schroeder‘s birthday (a national holiday if you are a self-absorbed brat!), they introduce us to Summer House via Stassi’s friendship with Lauren and Ashley Wirkus.

What this means is TWO HOURS of Vanderpump Rules drama! Is that a good or bad thing? I don’t know… What I do know is that you can meet the cast of Summer House below!

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