Real Housewives of New Jersey Finale Recap: Fabulicious! or Fabuvicious!?

Well, finally – finally – we reached the season finale to the arduous, tortuous, never-ending season of Real Housewives of New Jersey. And it was kinda disappointing, no? Maybe cause we already knew what was happening real time.

Things start off with Melissa meeting with Teresa’s her stylist, because she is an over-the-hill wannabe pop star and over-the-hill wannabe pop stars need to look good! Really booby and trampy apparently = good. Melissa’s stylist, or is it Teresa’s stylist, suggests she wrap a scarf around her boobs and wear it as a shirt. Right. Let me get this straight: TWO WOMEN are paying this woman money to make them look like hookers and fighting over who she styles? There is some issue about how Teresa didn’t want her to also style Melissa. Maybe she wanted Melissa to actually look good?

While Terlissa’s stylist is there, Melissa gets a call from Teresa about the family photoshoot they are planning. Melissa claims this is the first family photo shoot she and Joe have been invited to and she is excited to put the past behind her and move forward. Why do I not believe her?


At Teresa’s house she talking family with Juicy while her badly behaving daughters audition for WWE in the background. I feel like Audriana should be forced to wear protective padding at all times. Teresa believes in moving forward with her family, but Juicy doesn’t know how long this happiness will last. Teresa declares she is wiping the slate clean! Why do I not believe her?

Chef Jaime Laurita visits Jacqueline’s house so he can have a talk with Melania: The Later Years, aka Ashley. Um… was anyone else a little puzzled when Jacqueline said she threw away a full bottle of wine? Jacqueline and Chris asked Ashley to move out and apparently Jaime whom she shares the family “black sheep” gene with, has straightened his life out and is a positive role model. Ashley shows off her “swallow” tattoo (the bird, not the act), but Jaime thinks she should tell people it’s something else because it might give boys the wrong idea. Funny, yet… gross.

Ashley also shows off her new secret tattoo – apparently she got it while her parents were vacationing in Punta Cana. Wasn’t there a nanny to supervise or was it sort of like Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead? And Ashley was forced to run out and get a job managing a tattoo parlor to buy food for CJ and Nicholas?

Ashley is still planning her Bravo sponsored move to Cali, but Jaime wants to know how she’s going to pay for things once she gets there? Apparently Ashley hasn’t told them about that new Bravo contract she signed while they were in Punta Cana… (mere speculation on my part). Eventually Jacqueline starts to yell and Ashley storms off crying, returning to the kitchen just in time to hear Jaime call her “extremely lazy.” And while I don’t disagree, I am surprised by how Caroline-esque Jaime is. Eventually Chris steps in and announces he believes in Ashley (why?) and is letting her stay in the house. A disappointed Jacqueline remarks: “The princess is still in the castle.” According to The Caroline Ashley is working everyone and one day there is going to be no one left to work. Hey, a hustlers gotta hustle!

The Caroline is back on the radio and her segment is about following your dreams! While she is yammering on about how other people should live their lives, the Manzo spawn randomly show up! Since they have no jobs or anything else to contend with they can just follow mommy around and hide behind her fame. Their contribution to the radio show is to laugh at the callers. Classy. Caroline describes finding life past mommyhood and absolutely adores doing her radio show (sub-text for pick me up full-time).

Victoria is getting ready for her formal. Kathy can’t believe how fast 17-years has gone by and reminisces about being a mother. When Victoria’s date arrives, Richie gives him appetizer of broken nuts and warns him – they hurt. Truly funny. Victoria looks very pretty, but Richie thinks she forgot to put the jeans on under her dress. Hehe. After a photoshoot in the giant event-style tent the Wakiles have set up in their backyard (?!) Victoria is on her way. Being a mother was Kathy’s dream in life and she meant what she said to Teresa about not wanting a career that takes her away from her children. She wants to see every minute of their lives. And cue Karoline 2.0.

Teresa’s parents arrive at her house for the first ever Gorgadice family photoshoot, but Papa Gorga has just had drops in his eyes and can’t see. He is crankeee! Joey has an awkward chat with his father – since the Christening From Hell, Joe admits he’s had a hard time with his parents. Do you think it was calling his sister garbage that upset them or the drunken brawl? Or perhaps the obscenity filled outbursts? Joe wants to have a glass of wine with his dad, but Gia warns him that Papi can’t drink. I love Gia.

Melissa and Teresa (Terlissa!) are working together to get Audriana dressed. Umm… what is that child wearing? Teresa tells Melissa she loves her and Melissa does not look convinced, but admits does feel some loyalty towards Teresa. She does? Teresa claims she is very happy and getting along with her family makes her feel a little bit complete. It does? Audriana was so cute hugging Melissa. A small part of me wonders if this entire feud was manufactured for the show and the Gorgas and the Giudices are in on it. Is that wishful thinking on my part?

During the photoshoot the extremely energetic photographer is accusing Papa Gorga of farting. Teresa threatens Melania with Justin Beiber Beaver if she doesn’t get in the photo! The Caroline explains of the Gorgadice feud, “Friends come and go, but family is forever.” Which is why she is instigating the feud by taking Joe and Melissa’s side against Teresa?? Kathy offers some advice from Chicken Soup for The Jersey Soul about the importance of siblings getting along and having your family tight. Very sweet and sentimental, Kath.

After the photos, everyone is eating dinner at Teresa’s house. Teresa states she never wants to go back to that place when they all hated each other and will do whatever it takes to keep things happy. Until selling cookbooks becomes a priority that is…

At The Caroline’s the Fabulicious! hits the fan! While she is enjoying a nice brunch she lovingly prepared for her aimless spawn, Lauren oh, so casually brings up that Teresa wrote something negative about Caroline in her new cookbook. And oh, she just happens to have a copy – right here! Seriously – this was SO STAGED! You guys know the rest; Caroline gets fake furious that Teresa called her 1/16th Italian (which apparently started as a joke on The Rachel Ray Show two-years ago), comparing her to Olive Garden, and started freaking out about the stripper car wash comments. Nobody insults her adult children who can’t defend themselves. Not her kids! Besides it’s a cookbook, not a bash book! Greg made a funny about how Teresa’s accountant must have done the math to determine The Caroline, Jersey’s Mafia Italian Princess, was only 1/16th.

Caroline takes the opportunity to advertise the feud she has with Teresa and announce their relationship is terminated! Caroline is loyal to a degree, but the tides are changing and suddenly she’d rather swim with the sharks Melissa. Do you think Caroline has a plaque in her entryway that reads “When you’re here, you’re family”?

According to Caroline when it served Teresa’s purpose, Teresa was her friend. Right back atcha, Caroline – when it served your purpose, you were Teresa’s friend (See, RHONJ S1 & S2)! The Manzo spawn start flipping out, with Christopher declaring: Teresa’s “like that, not us!” Lauren astutely comments:“Hang around shit long enough you start to stink.” Caroline would rather be her kind of Italian, than Teresa’s.

At Kathy’s Fabulicious! hit the trash can as Richie got angry that Teresa made a little dig about her cousin’s lame jokes in the book. Kathy quips that people must be reading it as a gossip magazine and not a cookbook since Teresa is writing about everyone else. Kathy also claims that Teresa is writing about everyone else to make more money on the book. Um.. duh. Girl’s got $11M in debt to pay off and the Juicy is unemployed and possibly facing jail time! To prove his point that Teresa’s book is trash, Richie throws it away. Classy.

Melissa also discovers that Teresa made a jab about her in the cookbook. And out of all the comments people are getting offended over the only one I don’t think was a joke, was the one directed at Melissa! Apparently Teresa accused her little sister-in-law of copying everything she does (and it sorta maybe seems like that might be the case… ). Complaining to Lyssa about it, Melissa decides she is going to take the high road and she is not going to tell Joey. Since he can’t read, he’ll never know, right?! Oh, but he watches the show… Melissa doesn’t want to keep being blamed for Teresa and Joey not getting along so she is staying out of the drama from now on – except where Posche fashion shows are concerned.

Teresa receives a call from her agent announcing Fabulicious! is not on the Best Seller list – yet! Pay Teresa’s bills- go buy a copy, peeps! #eyeroll. After this disappointing news, Teresa decides to hang the family portrait they had taken and it is a beautiful photo. Jacqueline comes over to admire the picture and yell at Teresa about the cookbook. Gia tells Jacs that she hasn’t seen her Uncle Joe since the photoshoot, because he is always working and Melissa kinda controls him. Ummm… who do you think she heard that from!?

Teresa acknowledges that she has not always been the greatest friend to Jacqueline and asks how things are going with Ashley. Jacqueline admits she has been crying all day and is at her wits end. Ashley is self-destructing and Chris is taking over the parenting because Jacqueline can’t deal. Apparently Jacqueline feels they should have gone through with kicking Ashley out.

Jacqueline then brings up Teresa bashing Caroline in her book. Teresa predictably says it was a joke, but Jacqueline wants to know where it says that in the book? Teresa claims she called Caroline twice to ask if she could include that anecdote, but never received a call back, but Jacs reminds her they actually went on a four-day vacation together, so she maybe could have asked her there? Jacqueline thinks Teresa is being defensive because she only wants Jacqueline to see her side in every situation.

Teresa is, clearly not understanding Jacqueline’s perspective, that some times the things she says can be hurtful. An argument about heritage ensues when Jacqueline points out Teresa is also calling Chris 1/16th Italian since he is Caroline’s brother. Le sigh. Jacqueline sums it up that she and Teresa view loyalty very differently, but Teresa just thinks people don’t understand that she is, like, the Lucille Ball of NJ!

And that’s where it ends! Bravo provides us with some completely irrelevant updates:

Ashley, excuse me, Ashlee officially changed her name. Jacs continues to try and keep the peace. HA! Teresa’s book spent a mere one-week on the NYT Best Seller list. Melissa had a 1st birthday party for Joey, but Teresa did not attend, however her in-laws did (Teresa claims Melissa told her it wasn’t a party and not to come). Caroline hopes to take her radio show to big apple and has some advice for Teresa: “Learn the recipe for friendship.“

On the least fun and most tense Watch What Happens Live ever, Melissa and Joe Gorga are the guests! Where is Jay Mohr?! Did Melissa refuse to film with him?? The drinking game word is: Teresa!

The cookbook comes up and Melissa claims she was very taken aback when she read the comment about her because at the time they took their family portrait Teresa told her the book wasn’t finalized yet! Also, Melissa did not steal Evelyn,Teresa’s hairdresser, because Teresa was done with her years ago (aaaahhh.. wasn’t she on S1 & S2?). Who stole Evelyn from whom?! Andy refers to the cookbook as Backstabulicious! And thinks Teresa’s jokes were really, really horrible spelling mistakes. Melissa claims she wasn’t really bashing Teresa that much during the season. Ok… ?

Joe thinks Teresa hit below belt with the Caroline comments given Caroline’s close friendship with Teresa. He also reveals the relationship with his parents is the same and they see them once per week. Melissa had an very odd look on her face during that exchange. Joe is going to be Tarzan for Halloween, but Andy likes Joey in drag. The game is: “Ital-in or Itali-out” and Melissa narrowly wins despite spelling Ciao! as Chiaw. Andy debuts the “On Display” music video. Yikes! Melissa reveals she saw P.Diddy and he blessed her and called her a great performer. #smokingcrack.

The Poll Question was: Whose side are you on? Teresa or Everyone Else and Teresa lost. Not by a landslide though!

During the episode and WWHL, Teresa and the ladies were Tweeting up a storm! If you missed the latest Twitter-logue, check it out! It is my humble opinion, that T needs to lay-low for a while and disappear from the spotlight, particularly after the reunion! If she truly is innocent of all these misdeeds, the truth will emerge and if she did do all those things – it’s probably best to go away anyways!

Next Week – The Reunion, Part !: Teresa calls Melissa a bitch and Melissa calls Teresa the devil! And things get CA-RAY-ZEE! Caroline accuses Teresa of not wanting to make up with Joey! And Teresa accuses The Caroline of lying. And Jacs definitely did not attend! The Jersey ladies make a reunion epic like none other!

Thoughts on the finale and WWHL? Thoughts on the feuds between Caroline/Jacqueline and Teresa? And The Gorgas vs. Teresa? Do you think Teresa’s comments were too harsh or does Caroline need to get a sense of humor! Do you think Teresa needs to take a break from the spotlight and get her life together?