So, last night was the first segment of the so-called “epic” Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. I have to admit, reunions are so hard to recap, because really I can barely decipher what the women are talking about and I usually have to watch on closed captioning; A) because there’s too much screaming and B) because I can never grasp the she said-from-she said through the screaming – particularly where NeNe Leakes is involved. That being said, NeNe’s slamming of Sheree Whitfield was epic indeed! The theme of last night’s show-down was apparently “finances,” specifically who has them and who doesn’t. And does Sheree really have several storage units full of furniture or did she steal that storyline from Kim?

Before we start recapping anything, let’s discuss my personal most shocking moment of last night’s spectacle. Sheree Whitfield of She by Shebroke announced that She by Sheree—her failed clothing experiment, that consisted of a fashion show with no clothes and the owing of $30,000 to Dwight Eubanks for photocopies—is staging a revival. As in, She by Sheree is not dead, but merely on hiatus and we can expect more where that came from. Is she serious? She by Sheree?! As in, worse clothes than Alexis Couture! As in, NO ONE ON THIS EARTH is buying them. Ok, now that I got that off my chest, let’s commence with this recap, shall we…

Last night opened with a fight to end all fights: do former strippers have the right to be disgusted by dildos? Are all former strippers supposed to be ok with the usage and discussion of dildos, ding-a-lings, and vajayjays? Are these women really and truly adults or is this a ruse Andy Cohen is attempting to fool us with before bringing out the real adult women?


I was very surprised that Kandi Burruss, usually above all the screaming and carrying-on, engaged in the argument with the queen of screaming and carrying-on! I suppose Kandi does not mess around where her money is concerned. Which is why, as Kim Zolciak said, Kandi is the only true rich bitch amongst that lot. I do believe Phaedra Parks, user of Bedroom Kandi and supporter of the arts, has quite the deep pockets of her own though.

Look here’s the deal, Kandi can sell $150 vibrators if she wants to and – who’s to judge. There’s obviously a market for it and NeNe can keep her mouth shut and not buy them if she finds it so distasteful. She was rude to Kandi at her launch party, which she should not have attended if she did not support the line of products. Also, how come no one brought up her “twitterpeople” rudeness?

NeNe claims she is over forty-year-old gossiping women, because that’s why she’s on a reality show growth is a beautiful thing! So, right, I’ll just let the obvious hypocrisy of this comment speak for itself.

Moving along, Andy asks Kim about her life. We all know she’s pregnant. We all know she is unable to find a dress that doesn’t expose 3/4 of her boobs – pregnant or no. Her given name is Sideboob, after all. And we all know that she bought that dress in the prom section of Macy’s after she saw Brielle trying it on. Anyway, the boob issues are the least of Kim’s problems because everyone is far more concerned about her finances. Even Andy.

Andy openly expresses his worry that Kim did not attend the Suze Orman seminar he signed her up for and that she is blowing through Kroy Biermann‘s money faster than she can say “charge it!” Andy is doubly concerned because we all know shortly after Kim met Kroy, Big Poppa declared bankruptcy. I mean, how many enormous, embarrassing nudie photos of herself does one woman need? Narcissist or not – enough is a enough!

Kim insists she actually earns more money than her dearly delusional devoted husband and she is not discussing the Big Poppa issue. That never happened. Nope, she was never a high-class mistress schtupping for Versace china. Nope, that’s disrespectful to Kroy. Ok, I’ll give her that – asking someone about their ex-boyfriend while they are married to someone else is completely unsavory.

Interestingly, Kim also confronts the issue of where she got the 38 storage units full of designer furniture. From her nursing salary, of course. Big Poppa did not pay for that or the Versace china? My eye roll was about as big as NeNe‘s and congrats on her co-stars for not calling her out on that obvious lie. Keep backpedaling, Kim, keep backpedaling. It’s not like we can’t just fire up the S 1-3 DVDs! “Thanks Big Poppa!!!!!!!!!!!!” I’ll be the first to say it, Kim is very good at managing her men money!

Kim also informs us that her dream mcmansion, the one she is currently renting, they are actually in the process of buying. Well, good – she and She by Shebroke can be neighbors. If Chateau Sheree ever comes to fruition, that is. And they can maybe have joint foreclosure parties! Word through the grapevine is that Sheree is a pro at stripping homes she’s been evicted from. Oh, did I say that out loud? Whoops! Furthermore, Kim has no desire to chain smoke Marlboros or chug a bottle of wine ever again. I don’t like new Kim – she’s so boring. I miss fun, old, crazy Kim. Sad. Sometimes growth isn’t a beautiful thing – particularly if you’re on a reality show. Can Phaedra throw a phuneral for fun Kim?

Now onto some happy thoughts, Kandi is in love. Awwwww… I’m happy for her! Kandi is dating one of the RHOA production managers and they are moving in together. Love on reality TV sometimes happens and Patti Stanger doesn’t need to be involved in the process!

Andy brings up Sheree‘s failed attempt to take Bob Whitfield to court for back child support. Apparently, Bob is still remiss and Sheree is also remiss – on her acting lessons! Because good Lord on top of the mountain – that was the worst attempt at crying I’ve ever witnessed on TV and I’ve watched a lot of bad TV dramas in my time! Dynasty, anyone?

Sheree attempts to argue with Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, about the filing of paperwork and who is responsible for the surprise! you’ve been served move of Bob “Self-representing in the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen” Whitfield! Phaedra – calm, cool, and collected as a pickle – points out that she did what she was supposed to do given the information and that Sheree wasn’t even really her client. There is some debate about the $5k Sheree wasn’t able to pay, which she blames on Phaedra’s “unprofessional” behavior. More unprofessional than staging a pre-trial fashion show and parading around in about to be returned D&G while your son sleeps on an air mattress?

Phaedra, not wanting to tell the truth about Sheree‘s legal hijinks, informs She by Shelies that she is the Queen of throwing people under the bus and that’s exactly what she did! Lied about Phaedra and tried to blame her for the whole legal snafu. Can we please get a gif of Sheree wearing a Queen of Throwing People Under The Bus crown. Which is probably the only thing of value She by Shebroke has!

And finally, the argument we’ve all been waiting for! Sheree vs. NeNe. I don’t remember how it started, but NeNe starts out by complaining that Sheree was fooled by a “scam artist” named Tyrone. And it’s true he was a scam artist who has since been arrested. And Sheree helpfully reminds everyone that NeNe quit Celebrity Apprentice and she only earned about $25k anyway. Also true! NeNe can’t remember if it was that much or $25 since she, you know, quit the show. Sheree definitely has some great one-liners. She checked you, boo!

NeNe counters by saying she earns money from other ventures, because she, you know, works. A concept that is completely lost on She by Shedidnotgetsevenfigures. Apparently, NeNe is very rich indeed, and she is regularly visiting the bank to make deposits. She also wants to know Sheree’s status at the bank. I, as well, am curious! Andy, overwhelmed and unable to control the drama, just resorts to fanning himself with his cue cards Scarlett O’Hara style. Jeff Lewis really needs to be hosting these things!

Sheree brings up NeNe‘s “Neverland” comment concerning Chateau Sheree. Phaedra confirms the yet-to-be-constructed-house is still just a lame ol’ mound of dirt with a portajohn amidst the rubble. Sheree quickly points out there should be some “No Trespassing” signs up! WHAT?! Sheree then tries to meander her way through a pile of excuses for why the infamous Chateau is a Chate-no! NeNe is not apologetic for speaking the truth about Neverland, because well, c’mon, we all know it’s never going to be built. My chateau has a better chance of being constructed in a timely fashion! And I will most certainly invite you all over for tea in my liberry/roller rink.

Sheree wants to know about NeNe‘s teeth and when she got them fixed and if they were free. NeNe claims she has very ex-PEN-sive, very white veneers and Sheree needs to fix her thighs. And back and forth. Fix that face! Fix that body! Fix that behavior! Oh, wait – sadly no one said that! Lord – these two. I love how quickly NeNe gets ghetto. Oh, I love it! She can campaign for an Emmy all she wants but put her in a room with Sheree and Kim and she’s right back to the NeNe we all know and love, swilling her moscato and yelling “Bloop!”

This, suddenly, spirals into an argument about, if NeNe is so rich why did Bryson steal from Wal-mart! Oooohhhh… ouch! That was a low blow and completely inappropriate of Sheree. I thought NeNe, who is often out of line, handled that response with class. Explaining that Bryce is a grown man and many children with good parents have erred. I mean, we all know Sheree has a record for check fraud and no one is blaming her mother! NeNe gives Sheree an emphatic “UH” and puts her hand up to indicate she is done with She by Shedesperate. And reportedly, so is Bravo! Next!

Kim starts interjecting that NeNe has talked about her kids on Twitter and mentioned that they have three different fathers. NeNe seems to think that is acceptable. I don’t. She should not be announcing things about Kim’s children online and that is none of her business. Although her comment to Kim to get off her timeline was priceless and Andy‘s cackle was ridiculous.

Andy asks NeNe some more about her finances and really – we don’t care. Kim takes this opportunity to comment to Sheree, of all people, about “new money” people always being flashy. Excuse me!? That’s a bit rich – pun intended – coming from wigs over there. And furthermore if Kim is so rich, why has she STILL not paid Kandi all the money she owes her for Tardy For The Party? Kandi classily let that slide and even gracefully accepted Kim’s compliment that she was the only real rich bitch in the room.

I’m not sure why these women are so concerned with each others’ bank statements. They have bigger problems, of that I can assure you – like the fact that they’re boring and we no longer care to watch them squabble like a bunch of hens left too long in the coop.

NeNe and Kim get into some more arguments about who said what on Twitter about whom. Both of them trash each other constantly on there, so I don’t know why they’re pretending to be innocent. And furthermore, they are very savvy about each other’s feeds for two people who don’t stalk follow each other.

BTW: Was Cynthia Bailey even there last night? I swear I don’t even remember her being present? Did she speak once?

Next Week: Marlo appears and things go from ugly to hideous when she confronts Kim! And the black baby comment comes up again as this time Cynthia speaks – and she accuses Sheree of lying!