Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Your Third Eye Sees A Bitchy, Back-Stabbing, Drama Queen

Have you ever said something and immediately after you said it, you wished you could take it back? I think it’s known as foot in mouth syndrome. You know, the awkward moment when something unguarded or rude flies out of your mouth and you’re like ‘ooohhh… oooohhh… that was a mistake. Why did I say that?’ And you try to backpedal. I dunno – maybe Teresa Giudice doesn’t have that radar? So, anyway that was the theme of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Teresa said something rude to her brother Joew Gorga about Melissa. She probably realized she shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late. The idea was out there floating around in the universe. And the problem was not that Melissa might leave her hubby for a richer man, but that Teresa thinks she would. So there you have it. Teresa, God help her.

We all love Teresa for her sense of unfiltered honesty, but sometimes you gotta know when to zip it! And sometimes you have to know when to pick and chose your battles. And Melissa is not the type of person to give up the opportunity to look like the blessed golden one; the innocent taken advantage of. So when she came at Teresa with the ‘YOU APOLOGIZE! YOU SAID HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME’ stuff, Teresa should have owned it and said “sorwry, Meliss.” Now – that would have shocked the words right out of Lady Gorga’s mouth!

Now onto the recap. So last night everyone is at the shore except for Caroline Manzo and her fam. They’re back in Franklin Lakes talking about how fat Lauren Manzo is. The Manzos have poop in their pants – meaning they’re wet blanket miserable bores. I used to love Caroline, now I just count the minutes until she’s off the TV. Oh – did I say that out loud? Sorry, Caroline’s publicist! So everyone FUN – or even remotely fun – is at the shore where Teresa is having some gathering on a boat. It will be The Juicys, The Lauritas, The Wakiles, and The Gorgas.


Before everyone arrives Jacqueline Laurita is helping Teresa smear another layer of black soot around her eyes until they look black slits colored in with crayolas. Teresa must be using all the left over coal from her Christmas stocking as make-up. It was horrible. The make-up application was just an excuse for the girls to talk about the other girls. Teresa and Jacqueline talk about the FIRST In Touch article. The one where T dishes about Juicy going to jail. Jacqueline wants to know why Teresa will share her issues with a magazine, but not her friends or family. Perhaps her friends should start paying her for information and they’d get exclusives too!

Then Teresa explains how Joe deserves to know that Melissa may possibly potentially perhaps leave him someday for a richer man because she’s singing in a lot of clubs and she’ll meet people there. Jacqueline‘s like right… so why did you say that again? Teresa is not getting it. Teresa doesn’t want to. That’s the thing with Teresa once she gloams onto an idear she adheres to it like it’s gospel – no matter how crazy it seems.

Teresa is still complaining about Melissa when she shows up. Then they all put on their happy faces and pretend this Bravo forced event isn’t going to be sheer unadulterated hell. Kathy Wakile and Richie bring her mom and Rosie to watch all the Gorgadice children and Milania. Joseph and Victoria will be helping. Now one might think that 2 adults and two almost adults would be perfectly fine with seven children, except all of said children have the genes of Teresa and Joe G-to-the-Orga; which means they are totally insane.

Rosie is hyperventilating almost immediately and Gia has to turn on the drill sergeant act. There were kids everywhere – it was like watching the Duggars except with leopard print. Rosie needs scotch. Serious scotch. Milania = serious scotch. Really, those two terms are mutually exclusive.

Boarding the boat, Richie hopes it doesn’t get repo’d in the water. Burn! Things are tense and awkward, Jacqueline breaks the silence by telling everyone Caroline is going through menopause. Teresa is elated that there’s a reason Caroline has been such a bitch that doesn’t involve her. Caroline wants you to know, hot flashes or no – she’s always been a bitch. We’ve noticed…

Actually things aren’t going so bad, although conversation is tepid. Jacqueline keeps acting like everything is all normal while doing this family fun cheerleader act. Teresa and Richie get into it over his fight with Joe G-to-the-Iudice and who deserved a black eye more. Non-Juicy Joe comments that Teresa is in denial about how much of a loser Juicy really is because he’s brainwashed her. Which is probably true. They take a family photo which I imagine Jacqueline has already submitted to Awkward Family Photos. They probably have a whole segment of that website devoted to the Gorga and Giudice family sessions. Those poor kids.

Back in Franklin Lakes, Lauren is complaining about being fat and Caroline is like, well, ‘you kinda are, but I love you anyway.’ Lauren muses that the boys are the golden children of the family; revered for their amazingness in the eyes of Mama Manzo. Caroline explains, it’s not their fault, “Albie and Chris are handsome and have it all going on…” Right. Lauren thinks if she is thin and rich life will be perfect. Being on Bravo for four years hasn’t taught her otherwise?

While Lauren and Vito cook dinner, the fam proceeds to talk about how fat they both are; describing how enormous and stumpy their children will look. So, this is how the Manzo’s encourage Lauren to be positive and continue with her diet? Lauren seems really down on herself as she describes that Vito doesn’t find girls like her attractive; he likes “shore girls.” To which Albie whips out a photo of his new girlfriend who fits to a tee what Vito is allegedly looking for. Nice, Albie, nice.

Caroline tells us Lauren is beautiful on the inside, but she’s not perfect – she needs to lose weight. Really – can we stop with this insulting storyline?

Everyone returns home from the beach to prepare for Jacqueline‘s psychic’s Summer Solstice Party. Tia, is psychic but she couldn’t predict that inviting the entire cast of RHONJ, including Teresa, Melissa, and one of the infamous Kims to a party wouldn’t end badly? #Don’tQuitYourDayJob. They’re all wearing white, which is supposed to indicate purity. Pure drama, more like!

Melissa comes over to Caroline‘s with the express purpose of talking about Teresa to ride with her and Jacs to the party. They discuss all the so-called horrible things Teresa has done. Caroline gets up on her soapbox and lectures Melissa about how Teresa is destroying her family because of Melissa. Didn’t she give this whole speech about Danielle a couple seasons ago? The more things change, the more they stay the same…

Teresa is headed to the party with Kim D. And a cross. My head hurts already. In the car, Teresa again explains why she told Joey that Melissa may, possibly, perhaps, might, leave him. Cause she was looking out for him, and people were telling her things, and she was being a good sister, and on and on. Really, she said it out of anger but she doesn’t want to admit that.

Teresa is apparently upset that Joey repeated what she said to Melissa and now it has become, like, a thing. Kim D tells her to just act like it doesn’t matter. And the cross rocks on, hanging over the rear-view and swaying like an ominous reminder: Count Your Blessings, Thou Shall Not Judge, and Mind Your Piece.

They get to the party – and Teresa looks great, I might add – and Tia introduces them to the Third Eye Fairies. Who look a lot like adult women wearing Tinkerbell Costumes and hating their lives. The fairies slap some dollar store stickers on everyone’s temple and tell them it will give them clarity or something.

Everyone’s wearing their third eye and sitting around pretending like they don’t hate each other and it’s not a 1000 degrees. Almost instantly the drama starts. Rosie pulls Teresa aside to ask her about the gold-digger comment. Teresa’s waving her arms around so much she was practically levitating. Rosie just wants everyone to shut up and party. She’s tired of the nonsense, she doesn’t want this stupid gold bindi-thing, and she’s surrounded by psychos. Not to be confused with psychics. Poor Rosie… Teresa = serious scotch.

Eventually it comes out that Teresa‘s true motivation for telling Joe was to disguise hurt feelings and embarrassment. See, apparently, Joe G-to-the-Orga discovered Joe G-to-the-Iudice was cheating, so he let Juicy know he was about to tell T about his dalliances. They got into a text war and Teresa grabbed his phone and saw the texts. Hey, I can see why she’d be hurt, but that’s no reason to then tell Joey his wife is going to leave him.

Teresa claims the info is BS so she isn’t bothered by it because she knows it’s not true and Joe was being a good brother. Teresa tries to change the subject by demanding Jacqueline promise she’s on her side. Jacqueline is trying to make peace with everyone and encourages Teresa to talk to Melissa directly and explain why she told Joey about the gold-digger thing.

Melissa sidles over, plops down, and they exchange words about why Joey didn’t call Teresa while Juicy was “away.” Except Melissa says “jail.” And this is like Mad Libs where one changed adjective can drastically alter the entire context of a situation. Teresa flips out and runs out of the restaurant. Melissa comes back to the “We Hate Teresa” table and is like, ‘Well, I tried, she’s nuts I dunno what the eff happened…’ while Caroline has this ‘I told you so’ look on her face. Caroline accuses Teresa of being a bully. Which is rich. A lot rich. Like flourless chocolate cake and dessert wine rich.

Kathy looks distraught. She explains that in Jersey people say “away” instead of jail as a matter of pride and she understands where Teresa is coming from. Outside, Kim D and Jacqueline (along with the very un-psychic Tia) chase Teresa as she retreats into the car. She wants to leave. Jacqueline is begging her to stay and work things out with Melissa. Tia apparently agrees with this, despite the fact that it’s ruining her party. #AnythingForCameraTime!

Teresa tells Jacqueline she’ll talk to Melissa under one condition: she doesn’t bring up Juicy‘s legal stuff. Jacqueline goes to get her and Melissa agrees to come outside.

The problem with RHONJ – other than semantics – is that there too many excuses, too much blame, and too many people refusing to accept responsibility or apologize – and everyone is equally responsible. Too much time is spent on petty problems that stagnate the situation and reignite issues. Kathy is disappointed that at a party with fairies no one can be positive.

Outside in the parking lot… Side Note: Why do all RHONJ fights happen in parking lots? Teresa and Melissa are spinning their words faster than a tornado. Just waving their arms like helicopters and squawking back and forth. Melissa wants an apology because Teresa has basically been insinuating she’s going to leave her husband. Teresa blames Joe for telling his wife cause she told him in … cofidance, confinance – what’s that word? And she’s not about to let Melissa force her to apologize. Melissa wants Teresa to stay out of her marriage and Teresa wants Joey to get out of his marriage.

They go back and forth arguing about gifts, and lies, and who sucks more. Teresa tries to walk away, but Melissa calls her a coward and Teresa reacts by flipping a Mercedes SUV and screaming ‘WHO YOUS CALLIN CAWAAARD?!’ Ok, no she just waved arms around until I swore she and Melissa would continue this fight on the roof.  Kim D is watching from the sideline so she can report everything to gossips tomorrow.

Here’s the thing: I want to root for Teresa, but in this instance I think she was in the wrong. I know she was lashing out over Joe‘s comments about Juicy, I know she doesn’t trust Melissa -whether for real reasons or imagined ones – but it wasn’t her place to make those insinuations.

Teresa should have just pretend apologized for peace, walked away, and she should accept that just like her brother can’t control her marriage – she can’t control his. There’s so many subtextual layers to all these arguments it’s impossible to keep up. I feel sorry for Teresa, but she has to learn the value in being the bigger person. And she must stop Juicy from throwing children’s presents away cause that’s just all kinds of wrong.

Rosie tries, again, in vain to intervene. Teresa is still blaming Non-Juicy Joe for the issues. She wants Melissa to tell him it’s his fault. She refuses and they continue yelling at each other from across the parking lot. Kim D tells Teresa to run them over and Caroline thinks Melissa and Joe need to get away from Teresa to save their sanity.

Now, somebody get me a scotch.


Bonus Rosie! LOL