Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Redefining Fabulous

Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta fabulous was redefined by one koo-koo-kachoo ex-pageant queen with a penchant for repurposing curtains into ball gowns, I s'pose! Kenya Moore was up to her old antics again and apparently "old" is the operative word because if you want that woman to lose what few marbles she has just point out that she is over 40. Dang, just tell people it's your 5th annual 39th birthday!

The other thing that happened was the epiphany of NeNe Leakes. It seemed our fair Ms. Leakes had turned over a new leaf this episode. She played many roles: peace maker, investigator of truth and intent, ring bearer and secret keeper, friend and foe, and most importantly WWF referee. Most interestingly was NeNe's opposition to drama as she stayed calm and collected throughout. I think I like this new NeNe, who has emerged the mother superior of RHOA. 

Before somebody went Gone With The Wind Fabulous on us, she went after Phaedra Parks' husband Apollo. We're back at the pool where a desperate Kenya was wondering if she could borrow Apollo free of charge for a few baby-making endeavors. Kenya's wig, weave – whatever – is looking as nutty as she is; all ratty and gnarled! Is this the case of the girl wearing the hair or the hair wearing the girl?


Not looking disheveled was one very unimpressed Phaedra who pointed out that was disrespectful to her marriage and Kenya was in contempt. It is at this point when the wheels in NeNe's head started turning. Savvy about uncovering salacious details,  NeNe wonders what kinda relationship Kenya and Walter are in that he doesn't care about her openly propositioning other men in front of her? It doesn't smell good. It smells kinda like rotten, fried, eggs… 

After that whole episode, Gregg announces he's cooking everyone dinner.  And Cynthia Bailey is clued in to another one of Kenya's behaviors when Porsha Stewart tells her Kenya was dropping down while grinding on Peter. Cynthia is repulsed, but decides it's better if she doesn't ruining everyone's vacation by making it a big deal. Porsha on the other hand, would not have let it slide. And I agree… Kenya needs to keep whatever kinda booty she has away from other people's husbands. 

Peter ushers all the men aside to tell them about the top secret vow renewal which he is disguising as a white party. Gregg offers to loan Peter some Viagra for the special occasion but judging by Cynthia's "third shift" dinner confession I don't think they need it. Maybe they need some Bedroom Kandi instead. 

Walter decides he's tired of looking at Kenya and announces it's time for them to go to bed. Kenya masquerades as if this is where Walter is going to drop down on one knee… and beg her to get the hell away from him and stop with the craziness because he just can't cope any longer. 

Instead Walter wants to talk to Kenya about somebody else's wedding ceremony. Cynthia's! Her face was frozen with a look that read as "You are not following the script and pretending you want to marry me. I thought you agreed if I pimped your towing business on TV I'd get your sperm in a vial out of the deal…' Also, what was up with the band-aid on her arm? Poor Kenya… always a bridesmaid or an I Proposed To An Ax Murderer fiance! 

The next morning all the girls gather for hair and make-up to prepare for their trip to the spa. NeNe wonders about Kenya and Walter. She point blank asks if Kenya could be faithful… and if Walter is serious?  

NeNe mentions that Porsha and Kenya seem to be getting along. Porsha is surprised that Kenya is a different person in Anguilla, but she's reserving judgment and keeping her distance. NeNe is excited to see the real Kenya unveil herself and I don't know why anyone would want to be involved in all that but we're talking about a person who spent years as Kim Zolciak's friend, so NeNe clearly likes nutty. 

The girls all head to some super luxury spa where NeNe has reservations about taking off her clothes for a massage. NeNe uses this opportunity to play counselor and it's kinda awesome. She begins by asking everyone about their relationships and when she gets to Kenya she puts it out there that perhaps her relationship isn't believable. 

Kenya claims she may elope and NeNe is like, 'With who? Your invisible boyfriend because who is this mysterious man you speak of whom does not seem to exist?' Kenya starts mouthing off about how she knows how to get a ring – she got six of them – what became of the six men who offered those rings remains a mystery but authorities in several states are currently investigating. There is a reason Kenya rapidly relocated to GA from LA. I mean besides a quest for reality television fame.  Maybe they gave Kenya rings so she would go away. Maybe she was buying her own rings and that's what became of her Miss USA fortune since she is now allegedly broke. 

NeNe has about had it with this woman's delusional nonsense and she doesn't care about defeating the purpose of a massage – or maybe she thinks drama IS relaxing – because she comes right out and says she doesn't believe this relationship is real. Kenya goes on about how Walter being normal and how he's not out in the street with other girls (an attractive selling feature), even though she previously said Walter was a ladies man. 

SO… Kenya is allowed to be "out in the street" with whomever and whatever, but Walter better keep his booty to himself? Kenya at least sounded convincing… Walter on the other hand only sounds convincing when someone offers him a much needed drink. 

Everyone puts on their white dresses, boards a bus than a boat and arrives at the top secret island location. Cynthia seems like she suspects something and knows something is up, but she was completely surprised when she learned what was actually happening. It was very sweet. 

I personally think her reaction was adorable and really genuine. And Phaedra is right, Peter is a black angel all dressed in white. You know, I think he really does love Cynthia and this was really touching. Awwwww… Hallmark moment. I totally cried. What a lovely thing. 

Congratulations on your re-done wedding! 

Everyone was excited except for one lone woman in a mesh dress that looked like a hooker basketball uniform. Evelyn Lozada Hoe-llection? Yes Kenya was miffed and jealous that she was not standing up there getting fawned all over and having some man pour his heart out. 

Cynthia says "I re-do" and then tosses the bouquet. Most excitingly was the fact that NeNe jumped in front of krazy desperate Kenya and caught it. She almost took a former Miss USA out! Perhaps NeNe is headed for her own don't be tardy for the wedding spinoff next. And Gregg literally jumped for joy. I can't help myself, but I love Gregg. Even if he did at one point do NeNe wrong as a husband. 

Afterwards everyone lit lanterns to float up in the sky. Kenya's dive bombed onto the beach and didn't even try to revive itself. In fact it singed her hand when she tried to force it up into the sky with her evil powers.

 Let's hope Kandi Burruss is the next RHOA wedding. But before she can let us into her most intimate and touching moment she exposes us to the Kandi Koated Nights Kam fresh from a jaunt of hot tub sex with Todd. It was a home movie that had the leanings of a sex tape about to be exposed. I covered my eyes in case things weren't covered. 

And that is where the sweetness ended. Because this is where Kenya came down the steps of Tara wearing a gown borrowed from Peaches N Cream Barbie. Who else had her? It was also straight out of the Blanche Devereaux Steel Magnolias collection. Not cute.

All the ladies are sitting around eating and chatting, having some wine when NeNe "casually" brings up Kenya's other personality. The one who goes crazy and yells "Coochie Crack!" and "Security!" Porsha says she thinks Kenya is more relaxed on this trip from when they first met and it's a welcome change. 

And that is the segue that is music to NeNe's ears because then she casually questions just what happened between those two. Cue Porsha, both clueless and untrained in the art of ghetto behavior (according to herself), chatting amiably about her perception of that fateful evening when she discovered that USA and America are not the same thing when you add a Miss in front of them. 

Now I believe Porsha was fully anticipating a discussion. And it started that way. Kenya started politely as well. And then Porsha shared her side of the charity event nonsense and instead of Kenya pitching in her two cents she pitched in her whole huge crazy. I guess that's the difference between being 31 and clueless and 40 and fabulous. 

Kenya's face changes from practiced normalcy to unrestricted nutty and then she denounces the situation as something she's over. Which may be accurate. Porsha retaliates by calling her a non-factor. And peach splendor Barbie leaps up. That's when the arguments and the insults start flying. Porsha calls Kenya ghetto, old, and outdated and throws her out of her circle. 

Kenya calls her a coat-tail riding bitch and announces that she is forty and fabulous. It goes back and forth with Porsha dishing out "Hood Rat" And Kenya screaming bitch over and over again. There these two are yelling, ranting, raving over a chaise lounge about who is irrelevant and who is going to go Detroit on someone's ass and whose title is older than whom and just who exactly is a tramp. Apparently Porsha has a tramp stamp, while Kenya has a fake booty and is trashy. Oh and is a tramp. 

Did I mention that "hood rat" is my all time favorite insult?

NeNe and Cynthia leap up to hold them back while ponchos and caftans and robes are flying. And meanwhile, Phaedra sipped her coffee and phocused on the phood. Whenever there is drama, Phaedra just sits back, observes, forms her notes and gives the best facial expressions reality TV has ever seen. And that is why Phaedra is awesome. 

NeNe is even surprised by the level of koo koo Kenya sunk to as she is holding her back like a WWF ref in a glittered poncho. Kenya obviously doesn't know NeNe will put an eye out. Bloop! She pushes Kenya away while Cynthia boredly restrains Porsha. Cynthia's expressions were also fantastic. She was so over it. 

Is Kenya on hormone shots to freeze her eggs? Is that why that lady is such a nut? NeNe surprisingly starts lecturing Kenya on decorum, which was hilarious considering her own reality TV history. Perhaps NeNe has learned from her own mistakes. Or perhaps it was a glimpse of how nutty she herself has looked. I bet Kim was sitting at home laughing hysterically on BP's sofa as she lovingly brushed a wig. 

Kenya keeps ranting and Porsha stomps back over. Why girl? That's when Kenya really snaps she starts leaping around like some sort of cage fighter while NeNe is swatting her hands and grabbing at her. I was waiting for her to put her in a choke hold. NeNe really could be an orderly at the mental hospital and Kenya surely needs a straight jacket. Porsha threatens to call a lawyer and sue for assault if Kenya touches her. 

NeNe may have worked a pole, but she left hood rat behind when she got off Kim Z's tour bus in Miami. 

Where the hell is security when Kenya really needs it?

A furious Kenya wants it known that she is neither ridiculous nor a low-class whore. Instead she is an uducated, elegint and soffiscated lady. And she's also magic. Kenya is elegint and soffiscated just like She By SheBroke is. Apparently she will look beautiful flirting with someone else's man, but that's OK because she is of a pedigree and not of trampiness. And more than pedigree she is *snap* *spin* *swish* "Fabulous. Gone With The Wind, fabulous." *spin* *swish*. OK. More like Gone Crazy fabulous… 

"Alright now," says Phaedra. ready for another helping of strawberry shortcake. And with that Kenya spins and swishes away right back to the asylum. Is Walter her court-appointed psychiatrist and helper? Listen, I thought Kenya always traveled with security since she's so important – how come no one popped up to escort Porsha out?

Good lord! 

[Photo Credits:]