Teen Mom 2 Recap: Hard Knock Life


This week on Teen Mom 2, Kailyn Lowry and Jo Rivera begin their court-appointed co-parenting therapy, Leah Calvert and Corey Simms bring Ali to a muscle specialist​, Chelsea Houska's Aubree turns three years old, and Jenelle Evans self-medicates with illegal drugs after becoming depressed.

It's court day for Jenelle and Gary Head (or, as we like to call it, Tuesday), but she has high hopes for the day. Gary admitted to getting physical with Jenelle, so her lawyer, Dustin Sullivan, will charge Gary with assault and request for Jenelle's charges to be dropped. Kieffer Delp nonchalantly asks Jenelle if there's any chance she'll go to jail. It's all good, Jenelle says, because she totally stopped getting high two weeks ago. Kieffer is nervous. Not because he cares about Jenelle, mind you, but  because he needs a place to make his pot pipes.

One hour later, Dustin congratulates Jenelle on another good day in court, revealing that all charges against her have been dropped. Seriously?! Jenelle has more lives than the entire cast of CATS. One thing is for sure, if I ever get in trouble with the law, I'm calling Dustin the Judge Whisperer. 


Next, as Chelsea prepares for Aubree's birthday, we learn that she only has one more week off from school. I'm super proud of Chelsea this season. She seems to be over Adam Lind finally and, more importantly, her dark hair looks less rat nest-y. Chelsea is not sure if she's ready to go back to beauty school. Surely, school will get in the way of holding down her couch and doing Megan's hair, and she's just not sure if she can handle so many responsibilities at once. 

Kail and Javi Marroquin​ plan to marry in the very near future so they can take advantage of (and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way) the Air Force's benefits. Kail brings her friends up to speed. One friend asks Kail how she'll manage moving around the country with Isaac, and, with no regard for Jo's feelings whatsoever, Kail says she simply needs to file a petition for relocation. Life is easy peasy when you have no heart.

Kail goes on, she plans to tell Jo the next night, after their first therapy session. Kail's fan club friends thinks it's so great that she can admit that she wants to punch people more than the average bear person. Kail explains, yes, people do little things that poke at her personality, but she wouldn't need therapy if the offending person would just learn to walk away. But, ohmygosh, she's totally not making excuses for her beastly behavior. Of course not. 

Leah's wedding was so much fun but now that she's home, she's going to be bored with this husband in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 she needs to focus on Ali's health. Ali has an appointment coming up with a neuromuscular specialist in Ohio. Corey and Dawn plan to come along. In case anyone has the energy to care about Leah's husband of the week, doubtful, Jeremy Calvert's work schedule doesn't afford him the time to tag along. That's a shame, he says, because he really wanted to be there for the "little brat."


While visiting her parents, Leah encourages Ali to show them how well she has been walking. When Ali takes two steps and falls into Leah, Lee says she quit and Dawn says she's lazy, and the pressure in my head builds. Then, Ali sticks it to the haters by taking several really good steps, and an excited Leah wants to call Jeremy and Corey with the good news. Leah mumbles "oh gosh" when Ali wants to call Daddy first. Ali and Corey are so adorable on the phone, I momentarily forget how annoying Leah is.

Chelsea throws a princess-themed birthday party for Aubree. I think I'm just as excited as Aubree is – I seriously cannot get enough of this little girl. The party is very princess-y and very pink and there's not a single hint of leopard print. (sniff, sniff) Our little Chelsea really is growing up. After the party, Chelsea and her friends discuss how Adam (and Chelsea's unhealthy attachment to Adam) ruined Aubree's second birthday, and everyone agrees that life is much better when it's Adam-free. #agreed

Now that the charges against Jenelle have been dropped, (or, as we like to call it, Wednesday) she stresses about her lack of money. Apparently, "smoking weed like it's your job" and "having a paying job" are not one in the same, and now Jenelle faces an eviction notice. A shocked Kiefffer cannot believe that the landlord didn't come knock on the door and ask for his money before evicting.

Note to Kieffer: This is Teen Mom, not Three's Company. Mr. Roper isn't going to come check on you crazy kids when the rent money isn't paid on time and there's no money to save your pathetic ass hidden under the radio. Back to the show: Kieffer has pipe money, yo, so he tells Jenelle that they should move out before they get kicked out. Way to stick it to the landlord, Kief, I'm sure he'll be devastated. Jenelle is way ahead of him, looking online for places to rent, and Kieffer tells her to stay away from apartment complexes because he's a felon. 


Leah, Dawn, and the girls meet Corey and Blurry Face in Ohio for Ali's doctor appointment. In the waiting room, Leah admits to Corey that she has no idea what this doctor does, and she apparently never thought to Google it. Leah, it's just a G-O-O-G-L-E away from Twitter, try it sometime. The doctor discovers that Ali has low muscle tone and no reflexes. He suggests an EMG, *which measures the electrical activity of the muscles and shows how well the nerves can send electrical signals, and possibly a muscle biopsy. All of these tests may or many not lead Leah and Corey to a specific diagnosis. * – See, Leah, Google is kind of nifty! 

Javi looks exhausted when he comes home from work, and Kail's like, I hear you, this crayon art is no easy task either. Kail reminds Javi, who hates therapy, that she and Jo have co-parenting therapy that night, and she also plans to tell Jo about their upcoming nuptials. Javi pokes the bear, saying, "You guys will probably fight about it and you can talk about it in therapy next week." Kail picks up on Javi's mocking tone and tells him that she hopes therapy teaches her how to communicate with everyone, not just Jo, but Javi doesn't think she needs therapy. Kail stares at him for a while, mentally plotting his death, I'm sure, and then begins to lash out.

Javi explains his disdain for therapy, saying, "I have enough respect. I have enough control. I can watch what I say. I can watch what I do." Kail says she has no control over what she says and does because she's a bitch her brain is wired differently. A confused Javi says, "I still don't get it with you. For the first six months of our relationship, you were fine. You had respect for me. You controlled yourself. Then you just let it go." Duh. She had to get Javi moved in, to pay her bills and take care of her kid, before she let the crazy out of the bag. In all seriousness, I think he's being a jerk, and Kail is getting more and more angry. Kail warns Javi that he needs to walk away and get out of her face. Javi doesn't listen, saying, "You act like this is new. I've told you this before. Just because I don't believe in it doesn't mean that I don't support you. I don't know why you're acting crazy all of a sudden." Kail tells Javi again, he's irritating her and needs to walk away, or she can't be responsible for what happens to him. #classicabuserbehavior


Next, Chelsea gets Aubree ready for her birthday day with Adam, and then she goes back to holding down her couch. Hey, when you're good at something, why change it up?! Adam surprises Aubree with a pool party, cake, and a crotch rocket. The word affliction is written across Adam's shirt. Irony at its finest.

Barb follows the trash drug fumes to Jenelle's house. When she asks her daughter if she paid her rent, Jenelle says, no, but she paid her cell phone and cable bills. #priorities Barb is like, here we go again! Kieffer, who specializes in drug addiction and homeless, is bringing Jenelle down. When Jenelle tells Barb that she doesn't need her help, screaming ensues. Jenelle says something about Jace, and Barb screams, "You don't want your f-ing kid!" Jenelle vows (for the 459th time) to regain custody of Jace, adding, "I promise you that I will take my son back because I stay sober." Barb is like, not when you're buying "kilos of weed" with your rent money, and points out that this round of troubles only began since Kieffer has been back in the picture.

From the kitchen, Kieffer yells, "Why are you 60 years old, working in a deli, and bitching at us?" Jenelle feeds off Kieffer's hostility, adding, "You're a deli person that's going to be working at Walmart for the rest of your life!" Barb starts to cry and says "f–k you" to Jenelle. I want to give Barb a hug. 🙁 Once again, Jenelle threatens to take Jace and run far away, and Barb points out that family court will frown upon her living with a convicted felon. Kieffer argues, being a convicted felon ain't legal, and I can't help but to laugh at their ignorance. Clearly, Jace is the smartest one of this bunch, as evidenced by his refusal to give Jenelle a hug and kiss before he goes home with Barb.

I don't speak valley girl but I think "I'm at that point where it's like I'm like right at like tip and it's like I want to know but like I just want to run back down and like say I don't want to know" means that Leah is cautiously anxious for answers concerning Ali's condition. #like 


Kail and Jo start their court ordered therapy. When the therapist asks them why they're there, Jo focuses on disagreements that affect Isaac and Kail dwells on her and Jo's relationships with other people. Of course. Kail's starts to cry and shake when she talks about Jo's girlfriend, saying, "I'm scared of her trying to take place." While the therapist assumes Kail means "as a mother to Isaac," my gut tells me that she really means "as Jo's girlfriend." Somehow, the subject of moving comes up, and Jo says that he expects him and Kail to always live in the same area because of Isaac. Kail admits that she's a selfish bitch contemplated moving, and Jo says he couldn't live with Isaac being away from him. Awkward.

Meanwhile, Jenelle has been depressed since her fight with Barb. And, she worries that she may never get Jace back, so she gets high. In search of more drugs, Kieffer says, "You get a discount if you get more. You get them for free and cheaper. There's no point in paying full price all day." Yes. MTV's cameras follow Jenelle and Kieffer on a drug run. Am I the only one who thinks this is seriously messed up on MTV's part? 

Later, Jenelle's crying in bed because she's depressed, out of money, and bored. The always supportive Kieffer is like, I've got $70, with more pipe money coming in tomorrow, my sweets! It's been way worse for us! We could be in the front seat of the car with nowhere to go. Is he serious right now? Does he forget that Jenelle has been evicted? Best stop bragging, Kief, because that front seat is a mere two days away. 


Shockingly, Kieffer's pep talk doesn't snap Jenelle out of her bad mood, and she starts crying. "Why are you being so mean to meeeee?" she asks, to which Kieffer says, "There ain't nothing wrong! There's food in the refrigerator and f–k and the dog is alive and Jace is fine." The dog is alive. WOW. What a bunch of overachievers.​ Kieffer offers to get Jenelle pain pills and/or dope. The camera cuts to the dog, who has a FML look on his face, and then Kieffer takes off in search of more drugs.

After therapy, Kail tells Jo that she plans to marry Javi, who just joined the military, and Jo's smart enough to realize what that means. Jo thinks Kail is being stupid, because she hasn't even known Javi for a year, and wants to know what she'll do when she finds out he's addicted to porn. HAHA. In other words, Kail might want to slow down and really get to know Javi before she decides to uproot her entire life for him. In the end, Jo says, "When you decide to leave, let me know, and me and Isaac will be chilling and you can see him six weeks of the year." Kail responds, "I'm not going to fight with you," to which Jo says, "Oh but you will." Jo corrects himself, saying, "Your lawyer is going to fight with my lawyer." Jo is not going to let his son go without a fight. It takes everything I have to not stand up and applaud. 

Leah starts to cry when she learns that Ali needs an MRI and the muscle biopsy. Then, the girls start fighting over a pen, and Leah loses her patience and screams at them. Leah is scared and overwhelmed, which is understandable, but I can't help but to wonder how she's coping now, with twins, a new baby, and an absentee husband.​


Photo credit: MTV