Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Sweatin’ To The Lies


Alright kiddos, so Real Housewives of New Jersey happened so let's all take a break from bashing our heads against the wall to read this recap. I personally would rather go through another drug-free labor than spend one more minute on the Teresa Giudice vs. Melissa Gorga mess, but hey – duty calls. Oh – and in case you haven't heard I had a baby this week! Word to the wise: try to get to the hospital in a timely manner, right Melissa?!! 

Last night Teresa and Melissa put forth another round of she-said/she-said; bobbing and weaving around the ring like two drag queens in a RuPaul's Drag Race boxing challenge. Except the fashionably challenged version! It was sparkly leopard print verbal uppercut blocked by spray-tanned orange fauxmarble encrusted sucker punch. And a low-brow duck followed by a high-brow weave and spin. Before we knew it, fur was flying and Caroline Manzo's front yard petting zoo had died in vain over more of Teresa and Melissa's nonsense. 

Since we're talking boxing – things begin in a gym. Apparently all of Franklin Lakes and its surrounding lower echelon suburbs go to the same gym and NONE of them knew it! Just imagine… no awkward collisions at the lowfat banana smoothie bar ever occurred! Who would believe it?! 


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Teresa is there working out with her friend Linda. But they're really working out their mouths. I really don't know what was said because I was distracted by Teresa's attire. Teresa had obviously stolen Nacho Libre's leggings and they were frightful. She looked fine in them, but the design itself – so tacky! 

Teresa reveals that Gia is turning twelve and is having her first co-ed party. Her gift? A rhinestone and gold lame chastity belt! Teresa shares on national television, with no desire to spare the embarrassment of her tween daughter, that if Gia has sex before marriage Juicy is going to do some kung fu splits on the guy's head before they disown Gia. And in another installment of Daughters of the Taliban… Oh lawd when these girls write that tell-all! 

In an effort to 'keep the peace' and 'build relations' with her brother, Teresa has sent an invitation three doors down to the Gorga mansion. Melissa decided to include said invite in the sale of the house in order to boost buyer interest, but no takers! Anyway, Teresa is hopeful Poison will come for Gia and is "cautiously optimistic" that things will change. 

Jacqueline Laurita purchased a hyperbaric chamber for Nicholas to help with his autism therapy. Since Michael Jackson had one it's bound to be amazing, right? Michael also had a monkey… 

The hyperbaric chamber is essentially a tent with a noise machine. And really if I had to deal with Jacqueline, etc I would probably want to spend lots of time in there with some nice soothing aromatherapy, ten slices of cake, and the ambient noise cranking! Oh whoops… did I say that out loud? Nicholas seems to really like it, but why is Poison there helping them install it? Oh – because they get it free if Bravo features it on the show? 

I'm not sure why, but Caroline and Jacqueline go downstairs for some therapy juice aka wine and Caroline reveals that she met with Teresa, who wants an apology from Jacqueline. Jacqueline burst out laughing and immediately hops on twitter to TMI away the pain. Jacqs says she's the one who is owed an apology. Caroline looks regretful that she took on this here 'project' of trying to pimp her book by being the RHONJ mediator. 

Then Caroline sits down with Poison to tell him about the convo she had with Teresa. In order to continue having a storyline, Caroline lies to Joe and doesn't reveal that Teresa said all will be forgiven if they can apologize. Caroline reminds Joe that if something happens to his father, he should know he did everything he could to mend things. I can't tell if Poison is listening in intently to Caroline or trying to figure out how to tell her he doesn't want to move in and be Frannie's next charity pet. He was a little vague… 

Juicy takes Gia for some gelato and some girl talk about growing up. Look here's the deal – Gia is the most mature person in that family. She's giving me a Daria vibe and in about three years she's gonna be the most witty, sarcastic kid in town. I don't know how the Juicys spawned her but run, Gia, run!

The gelato turned out to be the only good part of the meeting since Jr. Mafia Joe decided to dump the birds n the bees talk in her lap. Gia laughs in Juicy's face and basically rolls her eyes. You know, I think it's great that Juicy is talking to her about this, but maybe it doesn't belong on TV. 

Worse than Gia's embarrassing parents is Milania. Milania told Gia she had a "hairy grill"… What does this girl watch on TV?  Juicy thought Milania was referring to him being a hairy gorilla.


Kathy Wakile is having some parenting issues of her own. Joseph stole Richie's borrowed Ferrari. He and Rosie pulled a Ferris Bueller's Day Off – although far less awesome and glamorous. Unfortunately Kathy and Rich get home before the car returns and freak out. I don't even remember what happened because – what was Kathy wearing? Jeggings (not flattering), cowboy boots, a floppy hat, a life jacket looking vest, and a patterned sweater. It was um… bag day at Goodwill and she couldn't pass up a deal? It was so horrible!

Joseph and Rosie return and Kathy freaks. Then Rich remembers that he's the biggest loser in the world and wants to be the "cool dad" so he starts praising Joseph's ballsyness. They all gang up on Kathy for being concerned and trying to have rules. If only she hadn't worn that hat they may have taken her seriously. Kathy goes inside and cries into some cannolis. 

Also, driving is Juicy. Huh? Is he still rocking the fake ID? Teresa shares that her dad is in the ICU. Her mom called an ambulance at 4am and  he was diagnosed with pneumonia. Teresa's mom says that Joey is also sick with a fever. Teresa is distraught and it makes her realize she really needs to mend things with Joey. 

Over at the Gorga's, Poison is hacking up a lung and apparently having explosive diarrhea. And not of the mouth… TMI to the maximum. Taking a break from the faux marble toilet, Joey snuggles up in a leopard print blanket to talk family matters with Melissa. When JoAnn Fabrics has a sale on faux fur do you think there's a line stretching round the block in Franklin Lakes? 

Melissa warns Joey not to visit his father in the hospital to spare him the germs and says she'll go with Antonia. Joey also feels frustrated that the family is fractured, but he is still blaming Teresa claiming she is "OK" with it. And just for that he's so not going to Gia's birthday party. So ha! 

After thinking things over, Joey isn't ready to forgive and move forward with Teresa. So he asked Caroline to intervene and talk to Teresa for what? Oh – a storyline! Fambly Reunification By Bravo! Melissa is pissy that Caroline is involved and talking to her husband without her. 


Back at the gym that is apparently sponsoring this season's drama on RHONJ Melissa meets up with Kathy for some aerobics. I wonder if the gym has a special: be a bitch and cause drama at our facilities on camera, get a free smoothie. Maybe it's a punch card? 

Whatever the case, Kathy totally went for the snack bar because it's clear she hasn't been hitting up Zumba lately. She's wheezing and gasping through the class, but luckily remembered the blow-out and full make-up. Even less prepared is Jacqueline.

Apparently Jacqueline's fear of driving on freeways has caused her to develop an equally crippling fear of stretch lycra because she shows up after class in street clothes explaining in detail that she is afraid of people seeing her butt which is why she's been wearing a faux-leopard burka all over town. Melissa is confused about when Jacqs developed body anxiety. She was too busy self-obsessing to pay attention during all the trips the cast took which required swimsuits. You know, the ones Jacqueline never wore!

At the smoothie bar Melissa explains in detail that she is sick and therefore cannot visit her FIL at the hospital. Kathy doesn't believe her because um… she looks good and is working out instead of dying. Kathy's also pissed off at all the "skinny bitches" at the gym. Speaking of skinny bitches, Linda, a corporal in the TreHugger Army, is there eavesdropping and looking spectacular. Kathy tells us over and over that Linda is a "skinny bitch" as if we hadn't noticed. Bitch being the operative word!

On other side of town Kim D (finally!) and Teresa meet for coffee. Teresa is rocking her glue gun hat that Milania made her at the bead store and Kim is rocking a sinister smirk. 'Tell me everything..' she says, dumping a flask of vodka in Terea's coffee.

At that moment Linda calls Teresa about her recent gym sighting. About the only army Linda is a part of is the Fat Police. And Jacqueline and Kathy have received serious citations. Linda is shocked that Kathy's enormous posterior even fit through the door and Jacqueline hasn't seen the inside of a gym in years. Jacqueline is working hard in psychotherapy to conquer her fear of elliptical machines though so possibly, just possibly, that may change! Wasn't Jaqs last trainer an alcoholic? 

After learning that the two heifers are conversing with Melissa, at HER gym Teresa and Kim are outraged. To add insult to injury: Melissa never visited her FIL hospital. That bitch is totally getting lard injected sprinkle cookies for Christmas and a card that reads condragulations on your re-done face. 

So Caroline's sister Fran adopted Juicy a pig and has it living in Caroline's garage. And Fran and Lauren are letting dogs piss all over the house. The real question is why Albert isn't going to notice that both his SIL and a giant pig are sleeping in the garage until further notice while miniature animals use the formal living room as a toilet?


Moving on to the real reason we tuned in tonight: Gia's party. Before we can get to the main event let's try an appetizer. It is not low-cal. Teresa hauls the Giudice girls to the salon. Milania snaps her fingers and informs the stylist that sassy is the new black and she is the new everything. Milania is very particular about her appearance, croaks as if she is being poisoned when the hairdresser hits her with hair spray and then tells us "I like older men," in response to being asked what she thinks of Gia's BFFL/BF Christopher. "That kid is an embarrassment," Gia scoffs. 

At the salon Teresa thinks this is the perfect opportunity to ask Gia if Tio Joe is coming to her party. He's not. Teresa starts panicking about what to do and Gia suggests leaving her alone so she can be pampered in peace. 

Teresa seems surprisingly aware that the reason Poison is skipping the party has everything to do with her and Juicy! Perceptive, that one! Gia is upset that Teresa won't stop asking her about it. "I just want to be her BFFL, whatever that is," Teresa whines. "That woman is an embarrassment," Gia scoffs. 

At Melissa's, Poison is still refusing to attend Gia's event since he has 103 temperature but can still resume normal filming activities. Melissa is being forced to go with the kids ALONE and she is not happy about it as she makes very known during the drive. Poison gives her a memo for Kim D – if she messes with his wife, spit on her. I thought he apologized to ol' Kimmie Devious? 

So, did Melissa receive a different invitation from everyone else? One that didn't tell her to wear white? Or did she just choose to disregard it and wear whatever color she wants? 

At the party Teresa is following Gia around begging her to hang out with her. Then she accosts Christopher, Beefus to the stars. Gia wants Teresa to go away cause she's 12 and Teresa is Teresa – and no matter what age you are she's probably embarrassing. Also, did anyone else think Gia's cake looked like a Gay Pride Parade Vagina? 

Gia succeeds in shaking Teresa off by telling her there's free spray tanning in the adult room and her new boobs could use a spritz. Then she distracts Juicy by telling him his girlfriend is calling. 'The things I put up with,' Gia laments to her friends. 'I mean these people can't even figure out how to put new toilet paper on the roll. I have to do everything!' 

Melissa finally shows up and at least Antonia and Milania are happy about that. Melissa hightails it into the adult cave where people are guzzling Fabellini in anticipation of a big fight. They were not disappointed. Not sixteen seconds after Melissa's arrival, Kim D launches on her. A hocked loogie she does not receive. 

Apparently Melissa finally got around to putting down the cuckoonut banana smoothie and visited her FIL four days after he went to the hospital. Melissa denies this, of course, because Teresa and Melissa live very different versions of the truth. Neither of them having anything to do with what is actually, you know, TRUE. 

Kim D, proving she has installed security cameras inside Melissa's home and posted a PI outside the hospital (#Posche4Life), wants to know how Joey and his fever are doing. Joe went to the ER for his butt plug issue and it was at the same time his father was in the ICU. Kim baits Melissa like a pro into claiming that she visited the day after he went to the hospital. Meanwhile Teresa lurks nearby waiting to strike. 

Kim then questions Melissa about that gym she maybe attends when the cameras are rolling. Melissa is trying to sloooowly back away as Kim continues needling Melissa with her posche fingernails about when she went to the hospital. Suddenly Teresa bustles over and starts "interrogizing" Melissa (terrorizing? Is this a new crime? Is Jacqueline being charged with it yet?). Melissa insists she was at the hospital all day. The funny coincidence is that Teresa and her mom were both there all day and neither saw hide nor hairspray of Melissa or Antonia. Possibly her evil ghost was there, however! 

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Then oddly Melissa says Joey is the one that took her FIL to the hospital (not an ambulance?) as she tries to count off the days of the week trying to figure out when she can try and prove she was there. Maybe it was Wednesday, or errrr… I mean Friday. Wait – what day was Teresa NOT there? They both argue about who is lying. Teresa says her FIL told her Melissa never came. Do we care? No we don't. 

But Melissa had a SORE THROAT people and the only cure was jazzercise! OK – Leave her alone! She was sweatin' to the lies and when she felt better she went to the hospital but the camera crew couldn't come in so naturally she left! OK – Poison needed her. OK people…. She was so there. Even it was the day her FIL was released! But she was there – in the parking lot!

Melissa decides to leave and storms out of the "adult" room. Teresa is shocked that she's not gonna stay for "Gianna's" rainbow vagina cake. At that moment Gia walks in to the adult room, sees the arguing, realizes she is the only adult in there, and calls security. And by security I mean… MILANIA

Milania bursts through the door, Nerf guns drawn and promises to start spraying them all with BLK Water if they don't shut up and behave. "Stoppit Beefuses," Milania bellows, "Or no cake for any of you old trolls!" Seriously – Gia is the only mature person in this family. 

Teresa complains to Jr. Mafia Joew that Melissa is gonna run home and tattle to Poison about how she like assaulted her with reason and logic and Melissa had a hissy. Melissa is annoyed that Teresa is putting her in the middle of her relationship with Poison. And next week, the nonsense continues. Oh yay. 

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