So last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey the producers teased us with progress, yet again, but then we all ended up right back where we started with some sort of family drama nonsense. 

Gaaawd. Gawwwwwd. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd. It's all sooooo boring. We don't care. And you know what, it doesn't even seem believable anymore. Ugh. That's like all I have to muster. Recap over. Bye! Just kidding, but I'm gonna go ahead and say the highlight of last night's show was Penny Drossos-Karagiorgis' 10 foot long ponytail extension from the My Little Pony Weave Collection! Seriously that synthetic tail she was sporting was the color of Kraft Mac & Cheese and looked like straight up plastic Easter grass. As RuPaul would say: 'Grrrrrrrrllllll…' 

My other favorite part of the episode: Melissa Gorga's "singing". Her music career is about as believable as Penny's hair. Alright let's dive in!

So Teresa Giudice is pimping out Skinny Italian foods. She's got some sort of "store" where she has all the packages displayed. Is it edible? Apparently she's saving pasta from being boring by dumping a bunch of love in some pre-packaged rigatoni. Whatever. The real point of this meeting is so she can discuss the Melissa drama with her mom and mother-in-law. I'm not gonna snark – the mommies are adorable. They encourage Teresa to invite Joe and Melissa for a family lunch. Alls good now… for less time than it takes to boil a pot of spaghetti! 


And over at the Laurita mansion, it's always 5' o'clock somewhere! Poison shows up and the wine is a'flowin'. Why was he there, again? I think it was 10 a.m. Ok – I made that part up, but really… they are always offering the wined and whined special. Jacqueline Laurita is going to be making a speech about autism awareness at a fundraiser hosted by blk. water.

She's super nervous about speaking in front of all those people – especially since people on twitter are always accusing her of using Nicholas' diagnosis for attention. Jac says people make negative comments about Nick's behavior. Now, I don't know about all that. I have nothing negative to say about Nicholas. I have plenty of negative things to say about Jacq's behavior. #HatersGonnaHate

In order to solve her dilemma, Jacqueline, in another moment of wine-induced logic, decides to invite TERESA over to help her write the speech. Teresa has less mastery over the English language than twitter does. Chris burst out laughing for about 15 minutes at the thought.


Serious speech writing! 

Later Teresa and Jacqueline have a playdate with the kiddos and work on the speech. They peek in on Nick doing his music therapy and Milania sweetly rushed in all excited to see him. I was waiting for her to grab the guitar and set it on fire Jimmy Hendrix-style, but alas I was disappointed.

While Teresa and Jacqueline are pondering the great vast world of tawking without expletives and hashtags, Juicy is making dinner for Rosie and discussing the possibility of hiring a surrogate so they can implant His and Hers eggs in Teresa's chuckalina and get a son. No sperm necessary in this version of immaculate conception! Yes, Juicy thinks he has eggs. Yeah… Hmmm… Well – it's just a good thing Jacqueline didn't ask for his advice on writing her speech! 

Shockingly Teresa gave Jacqueline good advice about just speaking from the heart and keeping it focused on her experiences with autism. I'm pretty sure Gia was off to the side whispering about what to write. I don't care what anyone says, I love Teresa and Jacqueline together and their interactions didn't seem fake. They make me happy. 

So that was nice. And now it's Richie-time. Which is not nice. Also not nice, the Sally Jesse Raphael circa 1980's glasses he's sporting all episode. 

Kathy Wakile is getting a big break with her cannoli business. She's gonna get to do a tasting at Dylan's Candy Bar in NYC. And it's alllllll big pressure. Kathy's agent is impressing upon her the importance of having a big crowd – specifically a big crowd with friends and family. Friends and family like the RHONJ cast! 


Now it's time for the big Gorgadice meetup of the episode. Teresa and Melissa look nice, are behaving as demurely as possible for them, which means not throwing things or screeching like wildebeests on hallucinogenics and remaining composed enough to avoid security being called. In short, they both got a copy of Civilized Italian: How To Have Manners On Reality Television Show & Other Impossible Feats. I think Kathy may have written it in an effort to get a storyline. 

Someone who has not read the book on manners: Juicy! Good lord the way he was barfaliciously eating that shrimp. Then Teresa's mother gives them all a lecture on getting mixed up in gossip and acting like children playing telephone. She calls both Teresa and Melissa out on being mad shit-talkers in Italian. All went well… for now… 

After that big important meeting with her MIL, Melissa swaps her 'ladylike' outfit for a Lookers costume (#AssetsOnDisplay) and goes to meet with Johnny Wright, her new manager. Now this is THE BIGGEST joke of the episode. Johnny also happens to be Justin Timberlake's manager and believes in Melissa's potential as a 85-year-old stay-at-home mom turned pop singer for reality show storyline. Johnny must be getting a reality show and they're cross promoting him because that is the only way he would be endorsing this mess in anyway. 

He lectures Melissa on how she's actually gonna have to like do some work and put some effort in to actualize her dream. And start at the bottom performing at the clubs. Her eyes glazed over and she looked perplexed. Wooooorrrk… hmmmm… she frantically googled it from her phone and was disappointed to discover that Johnny was talking about real work, not to be confused with werq, which is what she thought he meant! Oops. 

Then in the lowest possible moment of Johnny's career he shows up at the Gorga McMansion to help Melissa "record" her new single, "Never Let Me Go". Melissa at one point said us that she wrote the song for Poison. But as the producer walks in with Johnny, Melissa starts warbling excuses about how she just got the song yesterday and doesn't know it and can't sing it and isn't ready. But look, I can WERQ. And Twerk! Please god no RHONJ twerking. I'll die if I see that. Really, I will. 


Anyway, what Melissa really, really, really should never let go of is AUTOTUNE cause she cannot sing. And furthermore, I love how her studio is basically a walk-in closet in the middle of their unfinished basement. Oh these people… I heard she's taking it with her when she moves, but she probably won't need it because after Johnny heard her murder civilians with that singing attempt, he started lecturing her again about how much work she's gonna need to do and be away from her children to accomplish this J. Faux act, so this will be the end of Melissa's big music career, cause now she has the perfect excuse to let this storyline drop! #ThankYouJesus

So Kathy is hawking cannoli. The morning of no one in her family is helping her get ready for the big event. She's doing her mom's hair while talking about how she needs more support. Then Richie comes in carrying all the fliers and "trips" (it looked totally staged), dropping them all. Victoria is at the gym. AND WALLPAPER IS GONNA HAVE TO WEAR PAJAMAS IN FRONT OF RALPH LAUREN'S DAUGHTER AND THEY'RE ONLY TARGET PJs SO JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

At the event, Kathy's manager is distraught that attendance is spotty. "Where are all the friends and family," she asks tersely. What she means: Where are the actual RHONJ celebrities, which is the only reason Dylan is is letting you do the event here!

Caroline Manzo can't make it because she has an interestingly dispersed migraine that appeared 5 minutes before. It gave her some camera time of Al and spinster daughter Lauren playing caretaker so Caroline has a storyline and Al looks like less of a louse. No one cares about Caroline's headache. She gives me a migraine with her constant pseudo-advice giving.


The RHONJ peeps finally arrive and it was cute. All the kids had fun and the cannoli were eaten. In the interview booth Teresa, parroting a question from the producers, answers to whether or not the cannoli are "edible." Sure she blathers, 'I mean look at Kath she's all tryin' to usurp my empire as the Italian cooking queen of RHONJ, and sure the bitch makes some decent cannoli but it's no pre-packaged pasta sold out of an abandoned warehouse in Freeport. I mean my Juicy hadda knock over a Wegmans semi himself to get the noodles, then we made Gabriella make a label on her Magnadoodle and Audriana hook up the printer to her Nabi-Tabi-thingy so we could slap my picture on 'em. I think it's gonna sell, riiii-IIIIIght (squeaky voice). But yeah, like Kathys cooks alright, I guess.' 

Good lord this episode was NOTHING. BUT. PRODUCT. PLACEMENT. It was seriously the RHONJ infomercial hour on the Bravo Home Shopping Network. First up is Melissa's gorgeous new single. Oh you're gonna love this folks. And if you order in the next five minutes we'll send you a copy of On Display totally free…. 


Next we head to the blk. fundraiser where Caroline has miraculously recovered – maybe blk cures migraines now! Teresa rides to the event with Jacqueline and family. It was cute. Jacqueline gave a great speech and everyone cried – even Teresa – who wiped her eyes with a Milania Hair Care hat. Yes, Teresa was pimping her own product at the event. But so was Melissa who was rocking a "Thank you Jesus" t-shirt. That is so tasteless! And Shameless! These two really are a piece of work (not to be confused with werq). 

Finally, the pièce de résistance of the episode: Penny's pony! Melissa and Poison have a date night at some restaurant and who should be there, coincidentally of course, but Penny! They decide to sidle over and confront her about the rumors she's allegedly been starting concerning Melissa's extramarital affairs. 

I was all anticipating Penny would rip the pony tail off, spin it round her head like a helicopter, until it turned into the Pony of Death (similar to nunchucks) and then she would whip it at Melissa and Poison, tie them up with a hairweave net and haul them her Extension Emporium, which is really just a dungeon for people who have been wronging Penny on twitter. Salons By Bravo!

I was disappointed, because instead I got a cut up segment in which Penny 'admits' that Teresa is the one who wanted to know about Melissa's cheating and put everyone up to originating the rumors. Seriously, that bad haircut of an editing hackjob needed a Tabatha Takeover


Surprise! I tracked down your cheating ex and told everyone. 

I am NOT in anyway on Teresa's side ( I think both Melissa and Teresa are annoying twits), but just purely from an editing standpoint the footage didn't even look real. It was so lazy. I mean c'moooon. I am sure Teresa is to blame for the rumors, but could they at least make Penny's big tattling reveal seem remotely plausible. That scene was about as real as Melissa's and Teresa's innocence and Penny's hair combined. Fake. 

Also Melissa started again with the big fake trying to be innocent nonsense. Stop playing victim – it's lame! 

So that's where we end. Next week Penny and Teresa get into it. Aaaand here we go again – more family feuding! So. Over. This.

As @semorris93 said on twitter last night: "I think they're all fame whores and I'm sick of all of them. (Which means I should quit letting it piss me off)" I could not agree more! 

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