teresa gets a dictionary from kathy

It’s nice to know that no matter how many seasons of Real Housewives of New Jersey we have, some things will remain the same. Teresa Giudice will always be delusional, Melissa Gorga will always be pretending to be someone she’s not (i.e. rich), and the fashions will always be an abomination that is almost unbelievable! 

While Teresa is in denial about potentially going to prison – and perhaps if you’re headed to prison the only way to get through is to be in denial – she’s planning for Christmas with her daughters. I will say, and I may regret saying this, Teresa seems much more humbled, sincere, and real this season.  

All the Jersians are preparing for Christmas in their own way: Dina Manzo has to put the tree outside because her hairless cat Botox is afraid of it or something. Maybe seeing his reflection in the shiny ornaments was traumatizing. Lexi is waiting for college admissions letters, but has her heart set only on NYU. Dina encourages her to throw a rock over a bridge and let go of preconceived notions of destiny. #ZenByBravo Dina needs to stop getting her life tips from old episodes of Dr. Phil


amber marchese fire drill

Amber Marchese is doing fire drills with her family because Christmas lights cause house fires and no one wants to be trapped inside sleeping off an eggnog hangover while the wrapping paper goes up in smoke. Amber tells us it never hurts to be prepared which is why she has color-coordinated files on all the dirty secrets of all her castmates. And it’s also why she’s probably going to be successful in causing significant drama – either that or tasering Santa thinking he’s an intruder. 

TereHHHHHSSSSSSSSSA Aprea goes over to her parents to get a lecture from her father about how Jersey-Italians don’t follow through with traditions. Isn’t spray tanning a Jersey tradition?! Tradition is alive! And orange. Or what about going bankrupt?!

teresa aprea wine glass

Teresssssssa also apparently has a tradition involving some sort of puffy-painted wine glass with the word “Diva”on it – she is traipsing this thing all over town and in every scene. She goes on a long spiel about what fabulous taste she has in decorating their many restaurants, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the neon colored paint-by-numbers Diva cup, so it sort of ruined the whole believing Teresssssssa has good taste illusion. I think the only thing Teresssssa has is extra “s”es and Rino’s closet. In one scene he was wearing a leopard-print velour hoodie that I can only believe was hand-picked for him by Kim D, herself. #Posche4Life. In another scene he was wearing a neon yellow “Taxi” jersey. It was flammable. Amber won’t like that – he’s not allowed to come over for dinner wearing that thing. Fire drills for dessert anyone?!

While everyone is embracing the spirit of family, Melissa is not embracing the spirit of living in their rental home. While trying to put up some fake poinsettias that are bigger than a corsage for Godzilla, Melissa’s daughter complains that they have to live in this “small disgusting house.” First of all, at least this small disgusting house likely has working plumbing. And attached vanities. Second of all, a small disgusting house goes well with a small disgusting Poison!

Joe reveals that Melissa is storing shoes in the kitchen (stole that scene from the great Carrie Bradshaw, did we?!) and has taken over every closet so he needs to get their new dream house built so Melissa can resume living in the style which she has become accustomed. I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger – but Amber and Teresa are! 

The Poisons go visit the site of their new home, or what will be their new home if they actually ever scrape together the funds to build it! Look guys, Daddy’s gonna pitch a tent right in this field and this is where we’re gonna live. Or are they – because now it seems the Gorgas are moving back to Montville. While Melissa is prodding Poison to whip out his poisonito to pee in the field and officially mark this as Gorga territory. Teresa calls to say she and Dina are in the area and want to view the lot. 

teresa and joe gorga bond

And I actually loved this scene. They acted like a real family. Teresa hugged her nephew Gino as she talked to Poison. She said they are doing OK, they have a lot of support, and they are going to get through this one way or another. Joe dispensed the only advice he really has, and deployed another Jersey tradition, he fist bumped Teresa and said he loved her. And it seemed legit. It was cute. It was NORMAL. Indictment is agreeing with Teresa. 

Dina is dealing with divorce from Tommy, but also Lexi leaving home for college. It’s too many changes for namaste to handle so it’s time to go namaste, bitches. Dina’s mom makes a protection bracelet for Teresa, but it seems like Dina needs one too – protection from delusion. She goes out to breakfast with Nicole Napolitano where they bond over divorcing. Nicole shares that she never saw it coming and was blindsided, but has come to accept it – and living with her parents. Dina can’t contemplate losing Tommy. Then she says loved being married to Tommy because he gave her a lot of space. Uh – huh. But he also gave a lot of handbags to young twinks girls.  

Even though Nicole has moved on from her ex, her parents do not like her new boyfriend Bobby. Her mom makes no effort to hide her distaste and then claims if Nicole ever moves out she’ll have an IBS flare-up. Well at least Nicole won’t be living there to deal with the aftermath! Also, Nicole and Amber are already having friction – I predict they’ll be brawling at the Posche Fashion Show by next season. 

dina and nicole talk divorce

Since everyone is busy for Christmas, and no one really knows what to say to Teresa, the cousins have decided to do a Christmas Eve get together with Kathy Wakile and Rosie. They’re also doing a gag gift exchange. Are we happy to see Kathy and Rosie? Obviously we’re not happy to see Richie so I’m not even gonna ask.

Kathy hasn’t really talked to Teresa and Melissa concentrates really, really hard on trying to conjure up a tear, but resorts to just sniffing loudly, that she would like to be closer to Teresa and support her during this time. But Teresa doesn’t need all that – she has complete strangers telling her they’re praying for her in Costco! 

Still, everyone seems a lot more relaxed this season. Kathy gives Teresa a dictionary and she only makes a sour face. Poison gives Rosie a dildo, which she thinks is to ward off evil, and Kathy horny goat weed, which she thinks is to ward of Richie. I’m surprised Poison didn’t give people the dick-tionary”  he has in his pants! 

The next day is Christmas morning. Despite, the terrible circumstances of their rental (it only has like 5 bathrooms – Melissa must be making a lot of trips to McDonalds to poop!), the Gorgas try to celebrate with glee. They go sled riding and Poison gets his tongue stuck to a sign post. And here I thought Teresa was the dumbest person on RHONJ?!

At the Giudices, fraud indictment be damned because they are celebrating lavishly! Gia isn’t happy with anything – her parents most of all! Teresa and Joe give the girls a puppy. I think they should name her Fraudulicious. The girls are so happy and it was really cute, but as Joe and Teresa put their daughters to bed, there is a sense of sadness. 

joe and teresa deal with indictment

Over Fabellini by the fireplace, Joe gives Teresa a card with a giant poinsettia on it. I think he stole the poinsettia from Melis’s collection. Joe tells Teresa he loves her and that they will always be there for each other. Juicy was kinda melting my heart with his Hallmarking. He told Teresa she was strong and it made him proud to have a strong wife who was putting on a brave face for their daughters. 

Teresa worries about the inevitable of Joe going to prison. “This family can’t function without you,” she sniffs. And sadly, it seems like they can’t function with him either given all those charges! Joe attempts to remain positive by sipping some of Teresa’s Denial-aide “If I have to go away, you know wherever I have to go… we’ll still get through this.” Joe, that away is called “prison”. Please use that dictionary Kathy gave you! 

I think next season Teresa’s tagline should be, “If you don’t believe I’m a bitch, just check my charges!” 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV]



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