Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Not Feeling The Love

everyone skips lizzie rovsek's birthday party

On last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County, poor Lizzie Rovsek proved she is unpopular with the ladies and Shannon Beador forgave Tamther (an ill-advised move) in order to get a free vacation in Bali. 

Things begin with Tamra Barney telling Vicki Gunvalson about Ryan’s surprise engagement. Vicki understands given that Briana surprised eloped last season. If your children are always hiding something from you that’s probably a sign that they think you’re crazy. 

However, quickly talk turns to The Shannon Beador Dilemna. Vicki is straight to the point with Tamra that she started causing all this drama and now is stepping back like ‘Don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!’ – and that Heather Dubrow is also being an instigator. Vicki thinks Heather needs to be knocked down a a notch or two to understand empathy. I am loving this equanimous Vicki. More of this please! Less of that rat’s nest on her head that she calls hair, however!


tamra and vicki talk motherhood and shannon

Since absolutely no one is feeling the love for her, Heather decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party. She wants to play a sexytimes Truth or Dare. As she’s looking up quirky sex stuff Heather gets wind of what a “Dirty Sanchez” is through The Google and is immediately so repulsed she vomits discreetly into her Chanel bag, wipes her mouth with an Hermes scarf, and Lysols her iPhone with several strong squirts of Creme de la Mer facial toner. “Well – we won’t be asking anyone about that!” she chirps. “How about we ask them if they’ve had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime?” Heather’s assistant makes a note. 

Heather can’t attend Lizzie’s birthday party since she’ll be in Vegas, and that’s probably for the best since all the group issues seem to be centered around Heather and Tamra. On the night of the party, Lizzie, wearing a stripper figure skating costume, boards the party bus she rented to cart them all into LA. 34 is too old for a party bus or illusion netting. Seriously – Lizzie has illusion netting in every color! Every garment she wears has illusion netting. Sochi is over! For someone so smart, Lizzie hasn’t figured out that she needs a stylist.

Of course no one shows up. Shannon calls last-minute to cancel. Then Lizzie calls Tamra to inquire about her whereabouts, but Tamra says her daughter is sick. Lizzie already didn’t like Tamra, but after she bailed last-minute without so much as a phone call she really doesn’t like Tamra. Then finally, Vicki and Brooks show up. As if Brooks is ever going to pass up the opportunity for free booze! 

On the bus, Vicki has nothing but warnings about Tamra’s two-faced ways. “If you’re gonna be friends with Tamra, you have to be prepared to get hurt,” says Vicki. Which basically sounds like she doesn’t consider Tamra a friend. Lizzie points out all of Tamra’s discrepancies in the Shannon situation, such as telling everyone Shannon is crazy and certifiable. 

vicki warns lizzie about tamra

Vicki tells Lizzie that Tamra is responsible for ruining Brooks‘ reputation and creating what seems like an irreparable rift between Vicki and Briana because she talked about Brooks to Briana. A) Brooks ruined his own reputation #deadbeat #grifter #cheating #broke #SecretPornstarDating #CheapAssAffirmations #liar #RecordedThreateningToBeatVicki #Blackmailing #HiringHitManAllegedly The list goes on… B) I agree Tamra had no business confronting Briana on camera about Brooks and since Briana already didn’t like or trust Brooks that exacerbated things BUT Tamra is not to blame. Lizzie, who must be high on Brooks Halmark affirmations and Love Tank Potion, says she loves Brooks who is an amazing guy. 

The birthday was fun, but unfortunately before Vicki got on the bus Lizzie overheard Vicki call her and invisible friend Danielle Gregorio “Dumb & Dumber” and didn’t want to hang out with them. Lizzie didn’t confront Vicki, however, because she was desperate for a friend to ride the party bus with and now Danielle is salty. 

While Tamrether were skipping Lizzie’s party, they were deciding to go on a girls honeymoon to Bali. Except any trip with Tamra and Heather is more like a horrormoon. They choose Bali because it’s spiritual and emotionally cleansing. And it has beaches! What the hell do the Housewives know about “spiritual cleansing” – that’s like a week without wine for them! 

heather and tamra plan bali trip

Immediately they decide to invite Vicki who is in even though she doesn’t know what or where Bali is or how to pronounce it. She probably thinks Bali was some sort of exercise involving kegel balls. Then they wonder about ShannonHeather doesn’t want to travel halfway around the world to be yelled at. Cause dontcha know Shannon yelled at her! SHANNON YELLED AT HER AND SHE’S NEVER GONNA GET OVER IT LIKE EVER.

They decide to have a sit-down intervention with Shannon to let her know there will be rules on the trip and see if she can handle it. Oh the irony of Tamra telling anyone about how to behave! Lizzie and Danielle, the Invisible Girl, are also invited. They buy travel underwear for the trip. They really are Dumb & Dumber. I’m not giving mute Danielle the benefit of the doubt – she’s Dumber. 

Shannon is packing for Sophie to go to Italy with her Latin Class. Shi-shi-shi! Sophie needs to bring about 30 individually labeled Ziploc bags filled with homeopathic remedies and vitamins. Shannon does know zip locks aren’t BPA-free and are toxic, right? Not to mention plastic does not biodegrade! Dr. Moon so bought a beach house on Lake Como with all the money Shannon spends in his office on snake oil. Shannon brags that she’s gonna write a travel book because she’s so organized. Except she realizes no one wants travel tips from the crazy lady who is afraid of the internet, so it won’t sell. Oh well – she can do a  free ‘zine! 

Then Shannon and David go out to dinner where they argue about potatoes. Shannon is against women eating them because they are aging. David who is from Michigan loves a potato. Shannon wants her daughters to know they don’t have to eat potatoes and get fat. “Girls don’t need to grow thinking that they need a big ass potato every single day,” Shannon lectures. Speak for yourself – make mine organic!

Finally everyone goes to Heather’s party – except Vicki and Shannon who are not feeling very loving towards old Dirty-Dealing Dubrow! At the party, Lizzie drunk on illusion netting, immediately confronts Tamra about bailing on her party bus. Apparently Vicki told her that Tamra didn’t want to go and was using a sick kid as an excuse. Tamra pretty much rolled her eyes and said “amateur” before walking away. 

heather's valentine party

Then they play this ‘I Never’ game with sexy questions. Tamra gets asked how much she would have to be paid to pose nude. She says $1 million. This coming from a woman who had sex in a bathtub on national TV. $1 million? More like $1 dollar. She’d probably PAY to prove she’s still hot enough to pose nude.  Then Eddie reveals that Tamra does anal when she’s drunk and Heather nearly grabs the smelling salts from the TMI. I am sure she was shvitzing over the thought of how messy it all is. Terry confirms that Heather does not do “The Dolphin”. At all. Tamra brags about her super high freak number.

And then with that lovely image in mind, Tamra and Heather sit Shannon down to tell her how she doesn’t behave appropriately. Vicki comes too – as support so Shannon doesn’t feel ganged up on – Vicki is wearing a boobsling halter top. I was distracted hoping her ‘girls’ didn’t fall out of that thing. Shannon is wearing something that looks like a molting cat toy. Heather is wearing a condescending smirk. And Tamra is wearing her ‘I was drunk and when I drink I can’t remember things. This is a great new convenient excuse’ expression.  And she was drinking, so she probably won’t remember making amends and inviting Shannon on the trip. 

heather, shannon, tamra, vicki make amends

Oh yeah, after a 6 second lecture about how spiritually awakening Bali is (I’m surprised Heather didn’t have note cards for that rehearsed speech) she agrees to put the whole getting yelled at incident aside so they can start over in Indonesia. Shannon is happy everyone wants to try and be her friend again. Does Shannon also suffer from selective vodka-induced amnesia, because she forgave awful quick. She must really want that beach vacation away form David

[Photo Credits: Bravo]