Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: HBIC

rhonj amber and jim marchese

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey we open with the drama at the First Responsers Ball, where the pillars of RHONJ society congregated in their Partay Citay deluxe luxury couture vinyl posche-y firehoochie ensembles (basically this is like the MET Gala of Franklin Lakes, NJ, here people). 

Of course not everyone was in the party mood, despite the finest quality vinyl they were wearing. Amber Marchese had her hair yanked out and her husband had his authority questioned. Jim Marchese whispers in Poison’s ear (not in the way that gets the poison flowing), that he is a “dumb f***” then walked out the door. And Poison, our jr muscle man hopped out of his chair, swimming in his fireman couture, and followed Jim to demand an apology.

Jim does not fight – he’s an attorney and an upstanding citizen who will just have you arrested. Then sued. Oh yes – Jim is a grown man who does not brawl in someone’s basement wearing a low-rent version of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s Halloween party garb. Nor does Jim exchange blows on the snow covered sidewalk of a New Jersey McMansion.


Nope, Jim fights like the big boys – with attorneys. He tells us he will file a lawsuit, drag it on for 3 years until you are financially decimated, then he will depose you for 8 hours (or was it 10 – I can’t recall amid all the hyperbole) until you may require an adult diaper, and finally you will lose and Jim will win, because Jim’s IQ is over 12. And Poison’s IQ… it might hover around 8 – 9 on a generous day when the BuzzFeed IQ test is experiencing a glitch and gives out an extra point or two. 


Poison is not alone in defending himself on an icy sidewalk – he has a team of First Responsers at his disposal. It’s Nurse Tre (she can tell Poison’s pulsifcationator is high cause like um, her receptive-y-thingy-maccilit can tell. Her medical instrument of choice is a fabellini bottle) and Melissa Gorga, of the SWAT A Bitch elite team of special forces. Anyway, they race to Poison’s rescue and eventually unsic his teeth from Jim’s leg. Jim did not apologize.  Inside, Dina Manzo, the only person at the party with an IQ over 12, was babysitting Juicy Joe, who was pretending to be a DA. 

After all of that Amber realizes she forgot her keys inside, and after all of that, Teresa was feeling nice and offered to escort Amber and Jim to get them. Then a lightbulb appeared over Teresa’s nurses cap. She remembered that Jim told everyone he couldn’t be around Joe or Teresa cause they broke the law and Teresa wants to know what he meant when he said that. Melissa and Dina quickly race over because duh – drama = cameras. And also Teresa, well, she should not be left to her own devices should Amber wish to keep the remainder of her hair. 

melissa, dina, teresa - combined IQ 36

Jim shares with Teresa that it was for her protection that he wanted to stay away from the Giudices. Except the Three Wise Housewives aren’t understanding. “Does anyone here have an IQ over 12?!” Jim snaps, asking over and over why they cannot comprehend his point. “Jim is acting like a girl. He’s a bitch,” Dina clarifies, adding later that, “The magnitude of his douche baggery could clean a whale’s vagina.” Well she said it, not me… #namastebitches 

In an honest moment, when her guard was down, Teresa concedes that thinking about legal issues makes her nauseous. 

Nicole Napolitano is sooooo upset that all the upstanding citizens of her town, whom she runs into at the 5-star Dunkin’ Donuts over premiere pastries and hand-crafted artisan lattes now think she’s a home wrecker and she is beyond embarrassed. She is not, I remind you, beyond embarrassed to be wearing a slutty firefighter outfit that practically shows vagina on TV. Nicole decides to confront Bobby about why Amber is telling people he won’t marry her. As if it’s not glaringly obvious. Nicole starts waving her fingers in Bobby’s face and he tells her to layoff and have faith in their relationship. 

Finally! – everyone leaves but the drama is far from over. At least they’re wearing normal clothes (for Jersey that is!). Bobby goes over to Jim and Amber’s house to basically tell them that after careful consideration, he’s realized getting laid and being on TV is more important than a 15 year friendship with Jim and Amber (even though he describes Amber as “like a sister), so he’s sticking by Nicole and blaming Amber for all the drama. Look – Amber is at fault, but Nicole handled it horribly and is horrible in general. With that, Bobby is out of their lives. Bobby shows Nicole his love by taking her to the gun range. Cause she’s totally the type of person who should have access to weapons. #HairPull

the giudices adopt chickens

At the Giudice Family Acres Of Purloined Marble, Joe reveals that he’s adopted chickens. They’re in a cage right next to the giant attack dogs they keep outside. Are they running a dog and c–k fighting ring now? Except the dogs get confused and fight the chickens instead of each other, thus killing two in the process. The Giudices can’t even raise chickens – yet they have 4 children. Let’s all stop blaming Milania for her behavior now. 

Juicy, who Teresa describes as the best father (and true confession: Despite everything – including common sense – I adore Juicy), takes Milania to the farm to buy more chickens. Rosie comes along. While Juicy and Rosie smoke cigars with a sheep (for real), Milania helps the farmer choose chickens and feed the goats. I’ve never seen Milania so sweet and well-mannered. She listened, she was polite and quiet. I think the lady from the farm should just adopt her. They can trade for the chickens – Milania wins. 

Rosie tells Joe she’s there for him, no matter what, that she loves him, and hopes he’s doing OK. Juicy all but teared up and admitted they have a good team (let’s hope their defense team is not also in a pen in the front yard) and whatever happens happens. Rosie and Joe – brothers from another mother. I love them together! 

Melissa invites Teresssssssa Aprea and Nicole over for dinner. Frankly, I’m surprised Melissa would entertain her dumpy, disgusting, poor person, teeny-tiny rental. Was there even room for two guests?! Antonia, proving that like mother like daughter, starts showing off for the twins. The twins squeal and do cartwheels with Antonia, then ask to borrow her tutu. Don’t you love how they have the maturity of a 7-year-old?! 

Over dinner, which looked good (was it a Fabulicious recipe?!), Melissa shares that she thinks Amber’s attitude comes from Jim’s bad influence because spouses become like the same person. Nicole believes she could forgive Amber with a sincere apology. 

Dina, on the other hand, will never forgive Nicole who set her up with an orange-ogre who was 30 minutes late to their date, didn’t want to eat french fries, and spent eons talking about hot yoga. He’s not smart (what does she expect of someone she met from the twins) and he has a darker spray tan than she does, not interested. 

Since Amber needs some friends on this show she grovels to Teresa and Dina by taking them for facials… at a place that smears bird poop on your face. Maybe Teresa could start doing chicken poop facials. Business opportunity, Tre – Fabulicious Facials. 

amber gets a bird poop facial with dina and teresa

Amber apologizes for Jim’s IQ comments. She tries, in vain, to explain his reason for wanting to avoid the Joews, all the while they’re sitting there with shit on their faces. They have shit on their faces, and shit coming out of their mouths! Oh irony… Speaking of which, Teresa’s makeup is out of control. It’s so spackled on like a seven-layer taco dip – and don’t even get me started about the false eyelashes. #FiberlashAbuse 

One thing everyone agrees upon is that Nicole started the fight, but in the end Melissa started everything.  According to Amber, If only Melissa hadn’t repeated what Amber said in confidence, and then misconstrued her words, none of this would have happened!  OK – here’s the thing Amber, you didn’t tell Melissa about Nicole “behind closed doors” – you told her on camera. Although yes, Melissa did twist Amber’s words. Dina calls Melissa out for being passive aggressive and stirring the pot. Teresa says Melissa takes a while to warm up. Like 3 seasons on a reality show. 

melissa and amber argue

Finally Melissa and Amber have a sit-down where they argue about which one of them is the bigger liar and the bigger twister of words. Each one of them believes their own truth. I am amazed at how good Melissa has gotten at playing the game; deflecting, redirecting, and throwing daggers that throw the other person off guard. She has been in super-secret elite training for the SWAT A BITCH league. 


 [Photo Credits: Bravo]

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