Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: The GrownUps

melissa gorga garbage truck with wings

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey competition for the most delusional Housewife continued. I was putting all my eggs in the Teresa Giudice basket, but at the last minute I realized Melissa Gorga and Nicole Napolitano give some stiff competition!

So Poison is in the garbage business. It’s not the type of garbage business you might think – like producing garbage songs for a wife who can’t sing or calling his sister garbage on national TV, but he actually bought some big garbage truck to recycle documents. Melissa wants to give the truck a makeover so it stands out and they get more attention for their business. Melissa suggests putting wings on the truck. And the slogan, “Going green gives you wings.” First of all, she stole that from RedBull. Second of all, I don’t know why she didn’t just glue some Melissa Gorga jewelry on it and blast “On Display” from the speakers while it cruises around town. Better yet, old J. Faux could dance on top of the truck! Third of all, what does the leasing agent from a car dealership have to do with Joe’s trash business?


Speaking of trashy, Poison wants Melissa to do all the pitches for potential clients because Melissa is hot and that’s all you need to get clients. Brains – fughettaboutit! #ReasonsWhyYou’reBroke

melissa gorga learns science

Melissa, wearing a puffed sleeved pilgrim blouse because she wants to dress like a sexy nerd, goes to the facility to meet a scientist who explains the process. Melissa gushes and gasps about meeting a real, live scientist! The only time she’s met one of those is on Back To The Future. She squeals a lot and primps around the factory while the scientist rolls his eyes and adds an extra “0” to his Bravo paycheck. Melissa says she and Joe are a team and they day she met him she was managing his accounts. #NotSomethingToBragAbout What exactly do you call a faux business – fauxiz? bizaux?

Enough about these two, Nicole is still like sooooo upset that Amber Marchese told everyone she’s a home wrecker and a two-bit whore. I mean the truth hurts, right?! Rino and Teressssssssa Aprea have a party at their restaurant and everyone is invited but Amber and Jim – they’re at home previewing their Mortgage <Hair Flip> Now! commercial. Apparently these commercials work. But I digress, on the way to the party Juicy is stuck in the car with a squealing Tre and Dina Manzo. “Ok driver, if you don’t let us out soon, I’m gonna start farting,” Juicy threatens. I love that man. 

Meanwhile at the restaurant Melissa is claiming she no longer wants to be in the middle of the twins and Amber’s drama. She wants everyone to have a sit-down to discuss, but she wants to stay out of it now – even though she doesn’t regret telling Nicole what Amber said. This makes no sense: you’re either in it (which you are) or you never were in it (which, too late now, cause you’re the one who relayed gossip in the first place!). 

bobby wears a denim blazer. just no

Kathy Wakile shows up with – what else: Rosie and cannoli. I see Kathy’s sole purpose this season is cannoli dispenser. Desperate much? Rosie’s girlfriend Ellen is there and there is lots of talk about love, and potential engagement, and I really couldn’t focus because BOBBY WAS WEARING A DENIM BLAZER and I had to continually rewind to double-check that I wasn’t seeing things. Of all the bad Jersey fashions a stonewashed denim blazer is an atrocity from which I cannot overcome. I almost needed smelling salts. Luckily my husband revived me when he walked in and asked, “What’s happening with the real convicts of New Jersey? Who’s in jail this week?” 

teresa aprea like does business stuff y'all

After that Teressssssa and Rino go check on the new restaurant they’re building. This will be a true family affair – Teresssssssssssa as front of the house with Rino and their son in the kitchen. And Teresssssssssa’s father is managing the construction. At the building site Teressssssssa is wearing $1800 Jimmy Choo boots and they’re getting mud on them.  And she’s like soooooo upset. I mean, at least I think she was upset – I’m not quite sure maybe I was reading into things. #sarcasm. She whines that no one lets her talk, her boots are ruined, everyone is interrupting her, no one wants to hear her ideas. Does Jimmy Choo make muzzles? I’d pay $1800 to make Teressssssssa stop whining. And maybe people would take her ideas seriously if she stopped acting like a 13-year-old. 

Speaking of which, it’s Gia’s birthday. This year she doesn’t want a party, because duh – mommy and daddy are broke, even Gia knows that! Instead Teresa gives Gia a diamond ring, which Gia looks dubious about. Like who’d ya steal this from? Apparently it was a family heirloom from Teresa’s mom. Milania initially hid the ring – she probably wanted to hawk it so she could take all the kids in her Toddlers Who Terrorize support group to Disney World. She’d be disappointed to learn it was fake. Teresa explains her parenting philosophy as she is very into structure and discipline. And next she’s gonna tell us she’s very into budgeting and extreme couponing. 

Teresa rushes off to prevent Milania from making Gabriella into a stew and Juicy asks Gia if she’s been kissed by a boy in a not-appropriate-for-TV-but-very-sweet father-daughter heart-to-heart! (I win for hyphenation abuse!)

teresa and dina make vision boards

Later Teresa goes over to Dina’s to make vision boards so she can cut out words from Cosmo and Glamour Magazine that will inspire her to actualize the life she wants. Apparently Dina believes a vision board is totally gonna keep Juicy out of prison. Apparently in Jersey, zen actually means delusional. Teresa says her real vision board is in her brain, were she imagines she’s rich and just keeps spending, spending, spending!

Yet, surprisingly Teresa reveals that she’s accepted she’s going to need to sell her house and has been looking at smaller places to prepare herself for downsizing. When did Dina become more delusional than Teresa? Oh wait – never mind because poor Teresa pasted FREEDOM in big letters on her board. Well, it never hurts to think positively! 

Finally Nicole decides to take Melissa’s advice and confront Amber. She wants an apology. She calls her from work, where Nicole is the most consummate professional there ever was. I mean , she is like more profesh than Sue Ellen Crandell in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead. Like fashion show in the backyard, like totally. Like wanna ride on a jet, like totally! Yes, Nicole expects us to believe she’s a premiere private jet broker. I think she actually is the customer service rep for when clients need to complain abut the temperature of towels on said private jets. 

nicole napolitano is very professional

Anyway, Nicole calls Amber from her office where they have a loud shrieking fest over speakerphone and then agree to meet for caaawfee. Nicole is still super-duper angrwy that Amber thinks Bawby won’t marry her. He will too! As soon as she stops acting like a thirteen-year-old. 

Bobby and Jim respectively drive Amber and Nicole to meet for cawfee. Both ladies are dressed to the nines and Nicole has to carefully arrange her shawl to avoid dunking it in her coffee along with her biscotti. They go back and forth about the horrible atrocities they’ve inflicted on each other and then merciful heavens – Amber apologizes for gossiping and not going straight to Nicole with the story. She also recants on all the things she said about Nicole’s relationship with Bobby. And Nicole apologizes for pulling Amber’s hair. They agree to put this behind them and be friends again. Well – that’s somethin’ you don’t see everyday on Housewives! 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]