Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Holla Back Girls

heather and terry Dubrow at RHOC reunion

Last night was the first installment of the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion – was it me, or was that kind of lack-luster? After a season of serious hysteria and drama I expected something with a little more oomph, but it all felt watered down. Maybe they made a pact that they wouldn’t argue as loudly or as crazily just to spite Andy Cohen? Hey – stranger things have happened! 

We all know everything is going to come down to Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney (Bad Couch) vs. Shannon Beador (Winning is the score). But first Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra have to bicker about Brooks

Can we just be done with Brooks? Talk about beating a deadbeat! He’s smarmy, he’s scummy, no one in Vicki’s life likes him, but for some inexplicable reason she likes him. A lot. So much so that she pretty much imploded her marriage to Donn over her “emotional affair” with Brooks, and she had to shell out big (in massive check form) to finalize her divorce. Tamra can’t forgive the recording of Brooks calling Vicki a “whore” and threatening to beat her (truly unforgivable) and Vicki has forgiven and is moving forward. 


tamra barney at rhoc reunion

Tamra claims she never talked about Brooks, except when asked and she’s always been honest with Vicki. And yes, that’s true. I think Vicki was mad because she thought Tamra would defend Brooks so Vicki could do some image rehab, but it turned out Tamra was just telling Vicki what she wanted to hear but talking crap behind her back. As Tamra is wont to do. 

This was sad because it felt genuine; like two real friends reaching an impasse with one friend desperately trying to force the other to see the light. Maybe Brooks has changed – maybe not, but whatever – Vicki is in there up to her neck in denial, affirmations, and love tank fulfillment so she ain’t willing to swim back to shore even though the shark fin is in the distance. And it’s hard to watch a friend dabble in disaster. 

So, on to Shannon! Heather issues some gratuitous hollow apologies for over-reacting and reading too deeply into things like the chair argument. If Heather could go back and re-do that moment, she would. Her feelings were just hurt because it seemed like Vicki and Tamra were replacing her with Shannon so she lashed out. Translation: if Heather realized how stupid and petty she would look and that viewers would revolt against her after numerous stupid, mean, and petty infractions she would have reigned it in and distanced herself from Tamra’s antics, but alas now Heather is forced down in the muck with Tamra so they have to spend the reunion staunchly defending each other. Like how neither of them are really responsible for Shannon’s meltdown at Lizzie Rovsek‘s beach party. Tamra defends questioning Shannon’s sanity. Apparently she has been crazy, so she knows crazy. Tamra has been crazy? She is crazy; she defines crazy! 

The hoedown is discussed and it was every hoe for herself. Heather got snippy with Tamra because it turned out Tamra was – no surprise! – behind-the-scenes manipulating by telling Heather how Shannon was late. We all know manners, and punctuality are Heather’s Achilles Heel – that and wine being stored at the appropriate temperature and people being respectful for her baked goods and appropriate language kept classy and clean…. 

Next they dismantle Emailgate and then whether or not Heather asked Shannon to leave her house or threw her out. Heather maintains that there is a clear difference between asking someone to leave in a condescending manner and kicking or throwing them out. Nevertheless Heather apologizes, insincerely and defensively, for being dismissive of Shannon’s feelings. Tamra maintains there is a clear difference between telling Heather about Shannon’s email because she was concerned and gossiping about a private matter behind a friend’s back. First of all, Heather is killing me with the semantics. Admit it – you were rude bitch! Second of all, Tamra is killing me with the backpedaling and excuses. Admit it – you lied bitch! 

On the positive, Shannon isn’t buying Heather’s load of crap. And Heather has bad bangs bitch! 

I have to say after a season of exciting us with her crazy, Shannon is pretty subdued and anti-climactic. Where was vodka Shannon? Actually, the only insult Shannon got worked up over was Tamra’s accusations that she has a drinking problem. Shannon – you’re a Housewife! You get paid to have a drinking problem. But in the world of the ‘Wives if you drink vodka, not wine, you’re a drunk. Also, after looking at Shannon’s face for 45 minutes I don’t think she had work done after all. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE – it’s like now you see it, now you don’t plastic surgery?! Am I hallucinating? 

Next Terry and David take the stage. Terry denies wanting to take down the Beadors. And Tamra screeches that she never lied about that, even though Vicki confirms that Tamra either made the whole thing up, or is now trying to cover for Terry. 

terry, heather and tamra argue with shannon

Terry is all riled up about David telling Heather to spread her legs. While riding a mechanical bull. At a hoedown. Where there was an open bar. And lots of shenanigans. 

Apparently what David said was so intolerably crass. So disgustingly, obliteratively revolting it took Terry two solid months of intensive psychiatric treatment to come to terms with it. Dang – it’s not like he heard David did a “Dirty Sanchez” on Heather! Get over it. (True Confession: I have no clue what a “Dirty Sanchez” is and I will not be looking it up. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I’m sure Tamra will be doing it on TV next season as the sequel to bathtub sex, anyway!) 

Here’s where things get interesting: Terry insists that because Eddie is a friend and he knows them well, his comment of, “Show us how you ride Terry” wasn’t offensive. Even though it was made in front of Terry’s 80-year-old mother and his kids. Oh lord, Terry is drinking the Tamra Barney backpedaling and spinning concoction. It’s called “Hypocrisy”. And if this is how Terry is going about defending Tamra and Eddie than he better stick to doctoring because fighting Housewives battles is not his forte. 

Then Terry insists he wasn’t insulting construction workers. He was merely making snippy comments about how David might have been treating the groundbreaking party as if it were work where all the construction workers make crass comments to women and hang out with Holla Back Girls. 

Of course after all of that, David apologizes, again, but Terry won’t accept it graciously because he thinks David only apologized to look good. That’s like the Dubrow Family Motto: Thoust Shall Not Accept Apologies. Thoust Shall Not Give Apologies. 

Then Terry blames Vicki for starting the whole thing! He says Vicki spun him up before her party by telling him David flirted with her and talked about her underwear. And then it becomes uncomfortable. Why does Terry care if David flirts with Vicki – it’s not like he’s flirting with Heather? Apparently David is just a flirt! 

vicki talks flirting with david

As Shannon stares on stone-faced, Vicki and Tamra put their feet in their mouths overly explaining how David is naturally flirty. And they all find him hot and sexy. And he talked about Vicki’s bra strap. And it was all innocent. And yeah, so basically the ladies of RHOC want to have an orgy with David. Real SisterWives of Orange County anyone? And that didn’t make me wonder if that is one of the major problems in Shannon’s marriage. I predict more implosion next season!

Also, Terry’s probably just jealous none of the Housewives want to touch his [medical term] peen. Maybe it’s cause Heather keeps it in her Chanel bag in a tiny diamond and mother-of-pearl studded box. 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]