Last night Donald Trump started off Celebrity Apprentice by demanding one of the remaining three celebrities plead their case to remain in the game. It was down to Vivica A. Fox, Geraldo Rivera and Leeza Gibbons. Naturally, human drama cannon Geraldo was not going anywhere.
Leeza attempts to blow sunshine up Geraldo’s patootie about what an amazing player he is. Smart move: she knows she can beat the pants off him and wants Vivica out of the game. I am sure Geraldo would gladly remove his pants, however, to pose for another naked selfie, just to reiterate how he started the selfie craze.
However, Vivica, after surviving “Toxic Trick”, decided the fight was not left in her. It must be the menopause making her act crazy, because she eliminates herself and promotes Leeza. So Vivica is fired and Geraldo espouses about how he is impossible to take down unless you are a KKK member on his 1987 talk show where he broke his nose.
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For the final task Geraldo and Leeza must create a multi-faceted campaign to promote Universal Orlando vacation packages. It must feature a commercial highlighting the park’s attributes, a marketing campaign, fundraising (selling ten vacation packages?) and also a promotional event to introduce the campaigns to Universal executives.
Donald flies Leeza and Geraldo to Orlando in his Trump International Disorienter private jet. While on board Geraldo reminisces about the time the movie Airplane was inspired by his in-air heroics when he was forced to jump into the pilot seat and fly the former King of Siam to safety after a wayward stewardess attempted to poison him during a bout of aerial depression while self-medicating with pretzels and champagne. Leeza reminisces about the time she won an Emmy for her reporting, which shuts Geraldo right up. That elusive Emmy he seethes, Leeza is trying to throw him off his game. He will not be intimidated! He has survived democrats.
When they get to their respective war rooms, the finalists are provided with former Apprentices to makeup their team. Leeza scores Brandi Glanville (wearing a t-shirt with a bowtie?), Kevin Jonas, and Johnny Damon. Geraldo is strapped with I-anfant The Terrible, Vivica, and Lorezo Lamas.
Geraldo is not pleased to see I-an, whom he dubs a traitor for participating in a failed coup d’état to overthrow him! Unforgivable! Geraldo sniffs that he would rather have Brandi. Sure about that? She’s prone to panic attacks on the job…
Leeza’s team decides their theme will be “The Magic of Memories,” which plays into her charity Leeza’s Care Connection that helps family members and caretakers supporting loved ones through Alzheimers. She hopes to get her friend Olivia Newton-John to perform her song “Magic.” She assigns Kevin with the tasks of directing the commercial. And Kevin decides the theme should be a micromanaging father with a strict vacation itinerary, but when the family arrives at the park, they’re so excited the kids and his wife rush off in different directions and ditch the itinerary. “Dad” finally decides to abandon the list as well, and focus on making memories.
It’s been done a zillion times, but it resonates. And that dad is so very Kevin, a fact proven when they all hit the park to scout scene shots. Brandi and Johnny run off for hot dogs and beer, leaving Kevin and Leeza to act like grownups. Brandi drinking on the job? Why I never…
Kevin gets his panties in a wad looking everywhere for them! But Leeza would rather make memories and she’s on a donation high when she learns she landed a $125,000 donation and a $65,000 one. They finally locate Brandi, passed out near the bumper cars in one of those old-timey saloon costumes, with a flask of pinot grigio strapped to her garter. Johnny is trying to win her a teddy bear.
Back at the war room they sober up with a lunch of burgers and fries and Leeza sends them BACK OUT to scout for merchandise they can incorporate into their presentation. I think she just wanted to get rid of Brandi and Johnny so the adults could focus on work. Brandi and Johnny can’t believe their luck – free trip the amusement park! They spend the whole time riding rides. Kevin is furious and wants to ground them, but Leeza was sampling last week’s leftover Lime-A-Rita’s and couldn’t care less. Make some memories Kevipoo! Don’t be so crotchety! Wait – this is Universal Orlando, not Disney World… Uh-oh…
Taking advantage of Leeza is not cool – are they double-agents also working for Geraldo?!
On Team Geraldo, he wants to showcase the new Harry Potter exhibit at Universal by dressing himself up as Harry Potter and leading kids down a cave to chase a dragon while the parents are off doing some adult-y things Universal has to offer. “The kids will go with me to this magical world, where they’d have to be brave,” Geraldo explains to a creeped-out looking I-an.
Geraldo envisions being some sort of journalist/tour guide in costume for the commercial. “Believe in Dragons” is his slogan. Geraldo is aware that Harry Potter is a kid, right, not a 70-year-old arrogant windbag who is the opposite of magical? I definitely don’t think any children would choose to follow Harraldo Plotter anywhere. His only association with dragons is being draconian.
I-an recognizes there is now slaying the Drageraldo! Luckily the Universal execs show-up for the concept briefing and mention the phrase “Be Your Own Hero” which Ian really pushes for until Geraldo is swayed that he can incorporate his concept of Geraldo Rivera Investigative Universal Studios Reporter, on location at Diagon Alley, stopping at nothing to bring you the hard-hitting news even when faced with DRAGONS.
Geraldo Rivera: The Man, The Legend, And The Mustache. Reporting from a FANTASY land of his own imagined importance. And that’s a wrap! Then they start “Dialing for Dollars” and there is some brouhaha about selling ten vacation packages and how Geraldo will sell 7 if the other putzes can manage the remaining 3, but Ian knows some lady who is able to donate big and buy all 10. Lorezo will direct the commercial with Vivica as his assistant. Lorenza sighs that with Geraldo involved things could get hairy – Harry Potter hairy? Or mustache hairy?
Lorezo and Vivica spend hours creating elaborate set lists – anything to avoid hearing Geraldo pontificate. Left to his own devices Geraldo pitches the idea of getting Josh Groban to perform at their presentation, but then decides it will be better if the team dresses up in wizard costumes and performs acapella. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in Leeza’s war room, she frets about raising enough money, even though the challenge is not solely based on fundraising. She is confident that Geraldo will bring big bucks, yet assures herself to “Stay in her lane” and focus on beating him creatively, which shouldn’t be a problem. Brandi should call a few Housewives -they like vacations, and ostensibly, presumably have some money. Plus they love being on TV. Where are those gals?
Team Leeza‘s commercial shoot day goes off without a hitch, Olivia Newton-John agrees to perform, and everything seems to be running smoothly – even Brandi. Who is not running away, at least.
On the other team, Geraldo is micromanaging to disaster. All of Lorenzo’s lists are for naught in stifling the Geraldoism.
Geraldo supersedes several of Lorenzo’s well-planned shots in favor of doing things his own way. Then he changes the plans about what to do with the child actors. The original plan was for the PA to take them back to the war room for hair and makeup while the “parent” actors did their scenes. Then Vivica would meet them there and walk to the set. Unfortunately Geraldo decided to alter this plan and not tell anyone, except his imaginary friend, Geriatric Harraldo Plotter.
Geraldo freaks out about the missing kids – who will accompany him on a magical adventure now?! “AMBER ALERT!” he bellows rushing through the park! “SOMEONE STOLE MY ACTORS!! LEEZA DID IT! THIS IS SABOTAGE!! SAB-O-TAGE!” The Beasties Boys anthem starts to play… It was magical (in my own mind).
Lorenzo accompanies Geraldo to fetch the kids and try to salvage the shoot. Vivica and I-an sit down and muse about Geraldo being his own worst enemy. “Why am I not surprised,” says Vivica. Men-o-pause is making him crazy. 70 is not sexy.
Somewhere I imagine Leeza slowly buffing her nails, and smiling as she thinks, “Kill’em with kindness – never let ’em see you coming because you always seem to be in your lane.” Her jingle, slightly amended to go with the times,plays through her head.”Lime-a-Rita, I’m gonna Beat-ta pants off-a Ger-al-do.”
TELL US – WHO WILL WIN?
[Photo Credits: NBC]