Ramona Singer stole a dress from Bethenny Frankel, so Bethenny Frankel retaliated by stealing a brunch from Ramona Singer. Such are the trivialities of our Real Housewives Of New York. Bethenny claims she’s pissed that Ramona verbally attacked her though, but we don’t believe her.
Also, let’s get one thing clear – Bethenny didn’t want to host brunch to show off her Hamptons home (and really how could she being homeless and all) she wanted to show off her Skinnygirl collection.
It all begins at Luann de Lesseps‘ cozy Hamptons abode, the girls are clustered around the living room, drinking coffee and gossiping as real girlfriends do, also leisurely braiding Carole Cradziwill‘s toe hair (EWWW – isn’t that what Cindy Barshop is for – don’t you get the Real Housewives Federation Association discount on all waxations from here until the end of time – if you can manage to find your way out to Quogue.).
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There is much debate about what to do about Brunch. Ramona sent a guilt-text imploring them to attend as a celebration to honor her dear friend Dorinda Medley. Now, I don’t know what Dorinda has done to be owed such a dubious honor, but I say putting up with Ramona and Sonja Morgan for a whole weekend deserves something – at least a free bottle of Skinnygirl! However Bethenny has also extended an invitation – and she claims she invited everyone – even Ramona. Luann considers the etiquette of the prickly situation and surmises they shall attend both. Since Ramona has friends with her, and Bethenny is “cooking” (not chef-ing) they’ll start with hers.
Then Luann tells the story of the true animosity betwix Ramona and Bethenny: Ramona once stole a Herve Legere dress from Bethenny when she was guest on her talk show. Backstage Ramona spilled something on her dress and was issued a loaner dress from Bethenny. Ramona left wearing it yet never returned it. When Bethenny asked for it back, Ramona said fell out of the back of her car. Then a photo on instagram emerged featuring Ramona wearing said dress. Oops! Bethenny is taking Ramona to Judge Judy for the infraction. We wish. Apparently Ramona is something of a dress-klepto. But Bethenny is a brunch-klepto.
The ladies roll over to Bethenny’s – the limo stops when it approaches the giant red and white Skinnygirl bottle planted sideways in the sand the flashing sign reads: “SKINNYGIRL SOLD HERE!” Bethenny invites them inside tempting them with booze and breakfast, but what is actually laid-out is a full-on Skinnygirl product line – replete with blenders – all arranged on some Dollar Store valentine’s dishes (WTF?!). It was like visiting Skinnygirl Costco for a demo – free samples!!! All there is to eat is Skinnygirl everything with Bethenny explaining the recipe behind each bottled cocktail. The noxious red and white decor, combined with the stench of microwave popcorn searing the back of your throat was enough to make anyone woozy. Also Bethenny was wearing a tracksuit with apron, last seen on Estelle Constanza. Yes, Bethenny is homeless because she’s squatting in the Skinnygirl warehouse. I take that back, she is quite literally the old woman who lives in her Skinnygirl shoe (Skinnygirl footwear coming soon!).
After a few drinks, they dish on Sonja and the little engine of delusional drunkitude that just can’t. Bethenny jokes about creating her own Skinnygirl toaster oven, except Skinnygirls don’t eat bread – carbs, like loving marriages, are the devil. Heather Thomson gives Bethenny a rundown on all of Sonja’s businesses – first there was the Lollypop Alpaca Farm in Upstate where she was going to create candy-scented wool for pashminas. Then there was the distribution deal with the intergalactic soccer team, for which Sonja was part owner of disseminating bobble heads. Then of course, there was that skincare line which included smearing the blood of young interns on your aging epidermis. Basically Sonja has 99 delusional business ideas and a success ain’t one. (I’m beginning to wonder if Madame Skinnygirl is suffering from the same problem… Skinnygirl flavored salts in the wound coming soon!).
Bethenny promises to straighten Sonja up by moving her into Skinnygirl Institute Laboratories for the entrepreneurial insane. Then she complains about being attacked by Ramona as she ripped a dress from Bethenny’s frail body and ran racing out into the streets of Manhattan wearing it, only to storm the red carpet at the MET gala. Also, Ramona is too crazy for Bethenny right now and needs to back-up. Luann describes Bethenny and Ramona as the “rock” and the “hard place” – or rather the lost marbles and the crazy place.
Bethenny implores them to take Skinnygirl products
because she can barely give this crap away, Carole takes a blender because she’s only eating vodka and cucumbers and why not make a smoothie? How much do we want to bet all that crap ended up in the dumpster behind 75 Main?
Meanwhile across town at 75 Main, Ramona is hosting her foodless brunch for Dorinda. Sonja is very visibly miffed that she was cut-out of the Skinnygirl gifting suite by association (girl needs her free booze!) and she vocally blames the whole thing on Ramona for confronting Bethenny and issuing her a half-assed apology. Shouting over her, Ramona insists she no longer does “buts” (but Sonja does) and her apologies were sincere. As Ramona and Sonja bicker and snipe at each other at the bar, then the table at 75 Main, Dorinda orders extra stiff bloody mary. Ramona’s sister pipes up to say something about Bethenny having bad karma.
When the other girls show up – very late – Dorinda has to leave. Sonja has tears in her eyes because now brunch hours are over and she is forced to take a fried egg sandwich to go. What is this girls deal with a restaurant? It’s beyond bizarre.
Back in the city, Dorinda sees her RHONJ reject boyfriend John. They do lunch, but he is Juicy-ing all over the restaurant secreting the slicked-back smarm right into the chicken parm. He takes a work call, and Dorinda commandeers the phone to bellow, “If you don’t want to get lunch, don’t get lunch.” He silences her by licking her face. Don’t worry – he gets worse…
Then Bethenny, the most homeless little girl in NYC, visits another of her homes! This one is a $4.2 million dollar apartment she is gut renovating while she dreams of also buying the one next door, taking those walls down, and having an even bigger apartment. She just wants a family home! For her family of 2. Oh what am I saying, plus her family of Skinnygirl products, they need a lot of space to spread themselves too thin!
Bethenny busts her contractor’s balls while storming around the place barking orders and cracking crass jokes. I swear she rehearses these things in a mirror – she tries too hard to be funny, and it’s fake. Get a new schtick and grow up! This whole season is deja-Bethenny: same storylines (no one loves me, Skinnygirl FOR SALE, all the ladies are mean, renovating a new house, Jason is awful, fake tears…). It’s not vintage Bethenny – it’s Bethenny hasn’t learned anything – it’s wash, rinse with Skinnygirl schlock, repeat. Except now the sheen is gone and it’s a little worse for the wear and needs a major refinishing. Just like Ramona’s apartment!
Luann visits Ramona’s – she hasn’t been there since last time Jill Zarin was on RHONY – but the only changed is that Mario moved out (sadly he didn’t take the early-90’s decor with him: same drapes, same throw pillows, same sofa, same entry table, same Ramona hair.. same, same, same!). What is different however is the woman inside…. Ramona and Luann have the first honest conversation they’ve ever had.
Ramona opens-up about her divorce, how Avery is broken-hearted and won’t speak to Mario because he betrayed the family, how she is being civil to him for Avery although she just doesn’t understand who this Mario is. Luann gently asks if this is really the first time Mario cheated, Ramona insists it is, Luann doesn’t believe it of course – no one does – but she lets Ramona have those little pieces of delusion, as Ramona waxes poetic about how close they were, just the three of them against the world (Mario’s wandering peen obviously was part of a different unit), and Lu tells her to hold onto those memories. However Lu does let Ramona know Mario is on dating sites, spotted by Lu’s girlfriends. Ramona pauses for moment, then laughs, and says “So long as it’s not Grindr!” That’s the spirit, Ro.
Later Dorinda goes out to dinner and while she’s waiting, she beckons a black man wearing a shirt and tie to collect her coat and take it to coatcheck. He doesn’t work at the restaurant, as it turns, out and Dorinda turns as dark red as the drapes cloistering this archaic establishment. She insists it was the white shirt and tie that made her think this, and tells a supposedly funny anecdote of the time she accidentally dropped $5 in the coffee cup of a man in wheelchair who was waiting for the bus – as it turned out he was taking the bus to his job as an attorney. UGH – the most cringe-worthy moment ever on RHONY! Someone needs Class With The Countess. Someone in addition to Bethenny.
Luann, who is special Housewives envoy this episode, grabs lunch with Heather and Bethenny. Heather has just done an MSNBC show focused on helping entrepreneurs which Bethenny mocks, to mask her jealousy. See Heather isn’t wearing Yummie Tummie outside her clothes, with the tags still attached, and shoving control-top pantyhose into everyone’s faces over scrambled eggs, nope – she’s ordering some sort of complicated margarita, washing it down with guacamole, and reciting the official treatise, complete with several peer-reviewed studies, of how Ramona rolls.
Bethenny cuts Heather off with a sharp flick of a Skinnygirl knife (available on the Bravo Home Shopping Network coming this fall!) because she is tired of this lovey-dovey girl talk like they’re at in a sorority braiding each other’s p-ssy hair. Did you throw up, I threw up. Maybe Bethenny stays skinny by thinking her own thoughts and they put her off her food?
It turns out Ramona is sincerely trying to make amends with Bethenny and on the advice of Heather and Dorinda sent an apology text without the “but,” but Bethenny never responded. She can’t deal with Ramona when Ramona is dealing with real life, even though Heather reminds her that Ramona’s tantrums are not to be taken seriously. Plus, this is a new Ramona one without a plan, an agenda, or a motive – a Ramona on perma-turtle time who is single, ready to mingle, and meeting up with the ladies for girls night out. She even went downtown at the promise of a special guest.
And who was that special guest: Kelly Bensimon – ghost of Housewives past. Kelly has shed the crazy, or at least put a lid on it temporarily, and is chill and fun. When Bethenny arrives she is not pleased by the interloper so she hides at the bar, glaring while the other girls have fun. When Luann spots Bethenny, Bethenny starts yelping about how “slithery” Luann is for inviting Kelly, but not warning Bethenny. And Lu cops to it. Bethenny insists she’s over Kelly who is so “2000 and whatever” but acts like a sulky wet blanket.
I agree, stealth inviting Kelly was… icky. Vintage Countess? That’s another thing I don’t want. Don’t be like… “uncool” Luann. Be breezy and chill like your new Hamptons house. Then redecorate Pinot’s!
Of course, this wouldn’t be RHONY without some 22-yaer-olds leaving mommy’s womb for Sonja’s lap. Talk about slithery! RHONY needs to get a new storyline besides Cougars And The City. I have to hand it to Ramona, she flirted, she pinot’d, she turtle timed and crazy eyed – but all with men her own age. No midlife crisis for our Ro-Ro! And Bethenny she wore her bra as a shirt because SKINNYGIRL SHAPEWEAR – take that Yummie Tummie!
Then, in walks through the door, Dorinda’s boyfriend, Juicy Jr! He claims it’s a business meeting but Sloshy Sonja and Pinot Singer, double-team him and call him out. I love that Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle F–ked are so unbothered by people getting angry with them, so they let John have it about why he was out at some hook-up bordello. Yes, why indeed?
Also coming soon: Heather vs. Bethenny friction – Holla!
TELL US – WHOSE BRUNCH WOULD YOU RATHER ATTEND: RAMONA OR BETHENNYS? WAS IT UNCOOL OF LU TO STEALTH-INVITE KELLY OR WAS BETHENNY BEING A BABY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]