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RHONY recap - Bethenny vs. Heather

The Real Housewives Of New York traveled to the Berkshires to celebrate Dorinda Medley‘s 50th birthday. After spying all the luxury, wealth, and fabulous splendor around her, Ramona Singer had a change of heart – both about the Berkshires and about Dorinda’s boyfriend John. 

Ramona learned that people of the Berkshires are not uncivilized heathens gallivanting around bra-less (well unless they’re Sonja Morgan!) –  without air conditioners, wine fridges, and personal valets. Last season the horror of a home without a heliport nearly did Ramona in along with the terrible fright of experiencing trees in their natural habitat. Thankfully Dorinda opened Ramona’s eyes and Ramona recognized being prejudiced and stereotyping is not OK!

Speaking of things being OK, Luann de Lesseps was trapped in a car with Ramona the entire way there as Ramona feverishly searched for the number of the AC company she called last year – just in case. As Luann swanned out of the town car, in a fur-trimmed cape, she paused to look at Dorinda’s massive splendorous spread and she said, “Dahling – we aren’t in Connecticut anymore. And yes, I survived the cruel joke of a car ride with Ramona!”

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No one knows for sure what happened to Sonja – she stopped at a convenience store because the interns had to take a potty break and needed a little snack – they were parched from constantly fluffing her marabou scarf – and she had business to attend to. Sonja Morgan Lifestyle Industries is doing a division on luxury, affordable road trip food – gourmet pickles in a bag, soaked in vermouth and cardamon, pigs in a cashmere blanket! It will be divine. Anyway, Sonja disappeared at the 7-11. 

Heather Thomson drives in with Carole Radziwill and Kristen Taekman. Heather appoints herself the co-cohost of the trip due to her affiliation with the Berkshires. Let’s be honest, while Heather’s homesteading project is nice and all, her Berkshires and Dorinda’s Berkshires have as much in common as the Upper East Side and Jamaica Queens. 

The ladies arrive they oooooh and aaaaaah over Dorinda’s house, which is kooky, yet classic. Dorinda shares that her grandfather was a masonry who lay the foundation and her father worked for the telephone company and often repaired the lines – as a girl Dorinda vowed she’d own that house someday, then her husband Richard bought it for her. It was a great story. She invites the ladies to name it. Carole, reverting to the Carole of sound mind and intellect has a moment of clarity away from giggling over adolescents or reciting SATC scripts suggests Bluestone Manor. Ramona tries to steal her idea – as a joke. 

Ramona Singer has a date!

Then Ramona confesses she invited her business partner to attend Dorinda’s birthday dinner party the following evening – but it’s not a date, or maybe it is a date, or maybe Ramona is just keeping the company of men like a taxidermist collects busts of birds. When Kristen and Carole grill her for information Ramona becomes defensive and because she only OBSERVES the company of men, she doesn’t keep it.

Then Ramona and Kristen “privately” discuss the matter of Dorinda’s John. Ramona recounts the issues she had with Luann’s gossiping lies at Petrossian (of course Ramona misrepresents the story) and Kristen agrees John is a perv, case in point he was all up her leather skirt at World Bar. Prissy-pretty Kristen did not appreciate the extra flirty gestures – Sonja she is not (of course, Kristen misrepresents the story). Then, of course, Dorinda wanders in, wonders what they’re talking about and Kristen makes the egregious mistake of telling her they’re complaining about John.

Dorinda explodes – she rips Kristen a new leather mini skirt and reminds her she was no innocent miss – she was flirting and “shimmying” with John! It appears, Dorinda like all good Housewives goes from champagne and caviar to Jerry Springer in 0-60. Kristen cowers in the corner, covering her ears, while Dorinda rants and Ramona’s eyes dart back and forth like watching Chinese vs. Russian ping pong at the Olympics – it’s classic Ramona: she stirs up tons of crap, then goes all silent and like ‘Who me?’

Dorinda vs. Kristen

Dorinda starts to cry about how hard it was to lose Richard and she never imagined at 50 she’d be back in the dating scene, but John was there for her when she needed him and is a good man. Ramona promises to give John another chance and the other women actually display some humanoid emotions. Then Luann swans in wondering when they’re leaving for dinner. “Did I miss something uncouth, messy, and filled with feelings? Oh, not my cup of tea, the Countess doesn’t do emotions – they’re so aging! Champagne?” 

Dinner is at a fancy restaurant which serves grilled raven and the topic du jour is Bethenny Frankel and Bethenny Frankel’s inability to have girl friends. Mostly Heather doesn’t understand why Bethenny is such a standoffish bitch. Luann and Carole try to explain that Bethenny’s terrible childhood, her worse divorce, and the struggles of being homeless. Heather sniffs that everyone has problems – I mean her nanny of 9 years just left! 

Heather thinks all the other women are scared of Bethenny. Not Heather! She can take that bitch in a one, two, YummieTummie snap of a bra strap. And she’ll take that whole broken childhood thing and raise Bethenny one dearly departed nanny. Then Ramona, who has clearly been reading The Secret, espouses life lessons about growing from your past. No one is sure if it’s a joke or Ramona is being serious, so they all just cheers awkwardly, while trying not to laugh. 

Heather is tired of Bethenny getting so much slack

I don’t care about Bethenny’s problems – I want to talk about Luann’s brothel madame look – an off-the-shoulder blouse featuring flouncy ruffles WITH A CHOKER (take that, Kristen of the statement necklaces!) like this is Melrose Place! I must know: does Luann sell that choker? Has she been saving it since 1994 when she actually was a Countess? Did she make it in a fit of binge-Pinteresting during a post-breakup sleepless night? Tell me your choker secrets, Luann… 

The next day, straggling in from the bypass, comes Sonja. She is parched, she misplaced her interns somewhere around Staten Island, she’s been hopping from town car to town car, 7-11 to 7-11, for days having business meetings and losing her lunch, her panties, and 3/4 of her luggage, but she has arrived. And she is wearing – sit down for this: A BROCADE CAPE WITH MATCHING MINI! Plus a fur hat! Dorinda shoves Sonja into a winter coat, hands her a mimosa, and off they go for shopping in town.

Sonja and Carole have a heart-to-heart about the appropriation of the female d-ck. Meanwhile Ramona corners Luann about Petrossian. From Ramona’s perspective Luann tried to make her look bad in front of Dorinda by pointing out that Ramona is a secret bad friend. Ramona found it shady. Instead of arguing, thus defiling a boutique, Luann actually apologized (albeit insincerely but that’s called having MANNERS) and explains she blurted that out without thinking. “I pulled a Ramona” Lu demurs. With all the wind knocked out of her sails and no eBoost left in the fight, Ramona just buys a sweater she doesn’t really want because she feels dejected. She had borrowed lacy boxing gloves from Carole for the occasion – oh well, Heather might need them later!

Then John arrives for Dorinda’s dinner wearing something suspicious on his head – is it a toupee, a comb-over, mid hair transplant, spray-on? – bearing lots of wine. Sonja swans down the stairs wearing a satin robe with no undergarments underneath under the pretense that she lost her gown somewhere between Atlantic City and Latino Magazine, and needs to borrow something from Dorinda. Of course she can’t help that, as she’s gyrating on John, her robe slides open. Just no. No times infinity.  

The truth about Ramona's new man!

But upstairs there is more drama – first of all Luann is wearing evening gloves *YES!* but second of all Carole Googled Ramona’s date, Peter (whom Carole describes as looking like Mr. Big – he doesn’t), and discovered out he once had an affair with Mario’s mistress. Now that’s one helluva a tight love triangle. Are the Singers swingers?

Luann and Carole giggle, then tell Heather the news – but should they tell Ramona? Ramona is occupied – her eyes slithering around the room as she denotes any small infraction from John. Thankfully, she’s too busy judging to notice she’s being judged. 

Then a fright! Ss they’re all sitting down to cocktails in walks… Bethenny. Ding-dong the witch is here – pulling a Jill Zarin circa Scary Island! I’m surprised she didn’t give Dorinda a Skinnygirl blender for her birthday, instead Bethenny rasps, “Happy to see me?” before announcing she’s staying in a hotel with Bryn asleep in the room – presumably left in the care of nannies. 

Over dinner, Bethenny informs Dorinda she doesn’t eat fish, and Heather who is not scared of Bethenny and doesn’t care about impressing her, goes into overdrive trying to “help” the Skinnygirl mama find something else to eat – a meatball, a slice of humble pie, the salad straight from Heather’s plate, maybe chewed mother-to-baby bird style? Bethenny doesn’t want any of it! Nothing! She wants to be left alone to cry in her cocktail! She wants Heather to back-off! She’s being smothered! She can’t take it! Heather is speaking to her! It’s too intense! She just needs space! “I don’t want any attention!” she barks in what is surely the most delusional of her many delusional utterances. Look Heather – we all want Bethenny to eat something,  but it ain’t gonna happen. 

While Ramona’s date is being interrogated about his life, his work and his affiliation with Ramona (did she really babysit him?!), Bethenny is giggling in Sonja’s lap. Heather makes a comment about needing to separate them – she says it was a joke, Bethenny doesn’t take it that way – and they erupt into a sub-textual argument over who’s the most alpha bitch of them all. Bethenny starts to cry and Heather tries to take her into the other room to talk one-on-one but Bethenny shrieks that she wants to be left alone and Heather stomps back to her seat, crying. Luann goes silent. 

Bethenny and Heather erupt

Heather and Bethenny are like oil and water – obviously Bethenny is the zero calorie, Skinnygirl flavored water. I get it: Heather is more constricting than YummieTummie shape wear – which does wonders for the figure, but doesn’t apply well to friendships. And Bethenny sucks at relationships – all relationships (so you don’t have to!). Having girl friends – like Ramona said Bethenny’s sycophantic assistants are her friends – the people she pays. 

Apparently Bethenny doesn’t want the other women to know anything about her life and if they ask, it’s prying, yet it’s totally acceptable for Bethenny to have a sobbing breakdown every 15 minutes!? Seriously – when is Bethenny gonna bottle her tears and slap a Skinnygirl label on it? Then she can do a zillion interviews about turning your tragic divorce, of which you are 100% the victim who did nothing wrong, into triumph – and sales! Skinnygirl Sorrows $9.99 on the Bravo Home Shopping Network! 

The bottom line is this: I’m over Bethenny and Bethenny’s drama, Bethenny’s meltdowns, Bethenny’s never-ever growing, evolving or changing. If Bethenny wants to use RHONY to promote how Bethenny was wronged by her divorce, her childhood, her horrible homeless life she’s not at liberty to whip it out when it’s convenient for a sympathy ploy or a self-promoting storyline! 

Don’t pull your junk out on TV if you don’t have the balls to talk about it. If you’re gonna have a massive meltdown every time someone asks you how your kid is doing or how your day is going, wrap that s#*! up in a Skinnygirl Condom or a YummieCrotchie bondage and put it away.  If you’re only willing to air your story on your terms you have no business being on a reality show about relationships with other women and friendships. Go back to Dr. Amador and sleep on his couch. 

TELL US – BETHENNY VS. HEATHER: WHO’S WRONG, WHO’S RIGHT, WHO’S THE ULTIMATE ALPHABITCH WHO WILL WIN THIS FIGHT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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