Last night on Real Housewives Of New York everyone continued to wonder what the hell is going on with Bethenny Frankel, and why everything they do makes her cry. Also the ladies decided to go to Turks and Caicos.
Bethenny invited a select group of ladies she likes to decorate cupcakes. Sponsored by Skinnygirl. Not to be outdone – or out boozed, rather – Ramona Singer yanks a bottle of pinot and wine glasses out of her purse. “Who carries wine around in their purse,” Bethenny snaps, caustically shoving the newest Skinnygirl beverage – replete with Skinnygirl glass – in Ramona’s hand. Bethenny should just get a food cart at this point – she can drive it everywhere! Hell, our little homeless one can even live out of it!
Over cupcakes Sonja Morgan announces she is about to pay off off her bankruptcy judgement and wants to celebrate by spending money again. That’s um… that’s really learning from your mistakes! First order of spending into bankruptcy 2.0 is taking a trip to Turks and Caicos.
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As Bethenny manically hops around instructing the girls on icing blobs and fondant, Sonja compares the icing to something unsavory, the fondant rolling pin to a vibrator, and wonders if she can put a c-ck ring on it. Made out of fondant? Is that like a delicacy in Casa de One Night Stand – cupcakes & c-ck rings? What intern is on fondant duty?
While some ladies are icing, others are getting iced out. Ahem, Kristen Taekman. She and Luann de Lesseps go shoe shopping to discuss the matter. Luann is wearing the countess of all statement necklaces – a giant gold chain that encircles her neck and dips down into her cleavage. Naturally, chatter turns to Bethenny and the night at AOA – Kristen is still confused, she thought it was well within her rights to confront Bethenny, but Luann thinks it just wasn’t the right time or place, because in general Bethenny needs a lot of time to accept people. For instance, after like 10 years of knowing each other, Bethenny suddenly has a fondness for Luann. Then Kristen is distracted by shoes because they’re prettttttttyyy!
Carole Radziwill and Bethenny go out to dinner, because apparently Bethenny has time for famous heiresses with famous books, but not for pretty models. Carole is wearing a sweatshirt that says “Trouble” and she flirtatiously asks if Bethenny likes it. “I got at Forever 21,” Carole oozes lasciviously, which is quite appropriate, considering Carole’s maturity level is that of a 21-year-old. Act your age, not your fashion!
Then Carole takes it next level skeevy when she confesses to having a sex dream about Bethenny. “I touched you where you bathing suit covers,” giggles Carole. Carole is bringing a whole new meaning to “cougar” – the predatory meaning. Carole insists the dream referenced Bethenny’s need to relax and apparently Carole was helping her relax in her dream. However, given that the ladies are headed to Turks and Caicos, and Bethenny will be in a bathing suit, I’d be leery of ol’ Carole and the “Trouble” she’s advertising.
Naturally talk turns to Kristen, and Carole fesses up to telling Kristen that Bethenny called her dumb. Bethenny denies saying that and explains there is a nail polish called “Pop” so she doesn’t understand Kristen naming hers “Pop Of Color.” Except when Bethenny started writing her books, there was already a cookbook line called Skinny Bitch (very famous) and she still went ahead with Skinnygirl. And Carole has modeled her entire aesthetic after Carrie Bradshaw and no one is confusing those two either!
At a photo shoot for Luann’s clothing line Kristen will also be modeling. Kristen gushes that Luann is an inspiration. Well, Lu does seem to live an exciting life and look fabulous doing it.
Ramona immediately brings up Turks and Caicos conflicting with Bethenny’s daughter’s recital, and wondering if they should move the trip back. Heather Thomson and Kristen are like hellz no, because they also have young children and it’s hard for everyone to schedule. Ramona, of course, disagrees, so when Bethenny walks in, late, channeling famous martyr Anna Karenina (or a low-rent Sonja in her Russian émigré winter fashions) Kristen asks her about the trip dates.
Bethenny has to leave early, but the date is fine. Then Bethenny is propelled into a meltdown, running sobbing for the corner, because she will not be without her daughter for 2 weeks or 4 minutes or 17 afternoons in a row where the weather isn’t sunny and damn Jason for existing. Bethenny sobs to Luann, just mere moments away from modeling, that she just wants to be normal. So… start acting like it?
Heather is not fixer-ing or touching this one – not even with a selfie stick, because that seems to be Bethenny’s issue; she’s got a selfish stick stuck up her skinny patootie and she somehow got confused that this entire season is the Bethenny Frankel Therapy and Charity Hour. Kristen, with her practiced, “Oops” face has no idea what is going on.
Like the pro she is Lu immediately rushes from counseling Bethenny through panic attack no. 44,560, to modeling. A Countess’s work is never done! Luann is a pro; channeling those fabulous 70’s Vogue ads of the high energy poses. Bethenny snarks that Luann looks like she’s in a Stay Free maxi pad commercial, but I say Luann looks like a lady who has a certain joie de vivre and encompasses the term sports wear. Stay Free or die trying, amirite. Kristen, predictably, is pretttttyyyy!
Sonja missed the photoshoot because as a licensed creator of Fabulous International Lifestyle Excellence Exceptionality Accessibility Sonja is deep in the trenches of training a new intern. That, and packing for Turks and Caicos. With all of her Marshall’s clearance garments on display, and her broken swimsuit collection (several of which have been saved “for parts,”), Sonja is teaching “Intern Allegra” (Names changed to protect the innocent) the art of how lycra stretches. Even though you are feeling fat amid your anorexic girlfriends, who have never heard of emotional eating, a swimsuit actually makes you look thinner.
Sonja’s fashion coordinator, an intern twice removed who is the predecessor of Pickles, is also present. See how he has moved up in the world. See what interning for Lady Morgan can do for you! Did you know the Prince of Arabia once touched this swimsuit buckle, which is why it is enshrined in a ziplock bag and preserved for all eternity in the cave of high class hoarding known as Sonja’s closet.
Moving on Bethenny invited Luann, Ramona, Dorinda Medley (shell-shocked by RHONY insanity, party of 1) to get a glimpse of her former impoverished life as a heathen growing up at the track and running wild with the horses. Did you know Disney made a movie about that called Jungle Book? After horse races Bethenny’s family would eat at secret gems of Italian restaurants for authentic food. It’s all the way out in Queens so Ramona fears she is being kidnapped and will be sold into sex slavery. Good thing she enjoys the company of men.
Sonja was invited to attend but canceled because of her daughter, but it’s actually suspected that after a very wild (and unfilmed) night at Beautique where Sonja got drunk and behaved regrettably with men, she is now too hung over for dinner. Apparently Sonja was tragique at Beautique.
Over dinner, the Sonja conversation continues. The women are seriously concerned Sonja has developed a drinking problem to cope with her fraying life and her behavior is getting riskier and riskier. Ramona shares that Heather (aka Fix-A-Flat) gave her information about Al-Anon. Luann has been afraid to leave Sonja alone at times. But then they are distracted by bread and it is decided that the Sonja Morgan Problem Solving Summit will reconvene in Turks and Caicos where they can monitor the situation better.
Dorinda wants to take a trip to Mallomar to see Candy Land, followed by a trip to Panoranama where Sonja knows the president and they have all met him (truly she means Myanmar and Panama – and apparently Sonja does know the president of Panama. Did he used to party with her and John-John and Madonna?) Bethenny is in disbelief because her only celebrity connection, not to name drop, was Paris and Nicky. Maybe Dorinda just needs to visit Hersey Park. Then everyone goes to the bathroom except Luann, who remains at the table – she
doesn’t need to throw up dinner is good on her own; she likes to stay free!
Ramona and Bethenny get pedicures, where shockingly Bethenny has hidden a Skinnygirl product at the salon. It’s like Where’s Waldo; same color combo even. Ramona bashes Kristen for trying to start drama with Bethenny at AOA and the photo shoot. Bethenny laments Kristen’s dumbness and warns her against starting drama. They don’t understand Kristen’s perceived issue, and Bethenny complains abut her constant “sourpuss” face. After getting her toenails bedazzled with rhinestones, Bethenny quips, “Toes before hoes” to Ramona, who doesn’t get it. Bethenny tries to explain what a hoe is and the origins of expression, but Ramona is all…. “hoes… I’ve heard of those before. I think Mario knows a few…”
At the party to launch Luann’s fashion collection, she reserved a suite at the Warwick Hotel, where the mannequins are displayed, pre-soiree. Luann’s children attend and it’s charming and sweet. Then Carson Kressley arrives and it’s adorable and funny. He has an exuberance I miss – why’d Bravo bring back Bethenny, but not Queer Eye?!
Luann puts the gals (plus Carson) to work moving the mannequins downstairs for the party, but her fellow-Housewives are more interested in gabbing about Bethenny than moving mannequins. Ugh – obsessed. Kristen has no idea what prompted the meltdown at the photo shoot. Heather and Dorinda agree that if Bethenny called Kristen dumb and insulted her company she deserves to be called out.
Of course then Ramona waltzes in and she’s wearing “Ramona Blue”, aka Royal Blue. Plus, she’s dyed her shoes to match. She really is stuck in the 80s! #BridesmaidsFashions.
Ramona immediately insults Kristen’s outfit as being too fuzzy and making her sick, then she berates Kristen for “attacking” Bethenny while she is going through a terrible divorce. Even if Kristen isn’t friends with Ramona and Bethenny it “doesn’t take a rocket scientist” to figure out they’re going through something. Apparently this makes Kristen dumb. Kristen shoots back that Ramona is meddling and excusing Bethenny’s rudeness, plus just because she’s wearing royal blue doesn’t make her “royaler.” Actually it makes Ramona a royal bitch! In addition to her usual royal pain the ass-ness.
Even IF Kristen’s timing was off, or she came on too strong, it’s true – the trip dates effect all of them! Maybe Bethenny needs to get another spinoff if she doesn’t want to have to accommodate others? Ramona keeps calling Kristen dumb, so Kristen stands up, tells Ramona to butt-out and back off, and announces that she’s taking her wine glass with her, instead of throwing it someone’s face. Oh, and Kristen WON’T be drinking Ramona Pinot!
While Kristen needs to stop caring about Bethenny, who are Ramona and Bethenny to be so dismissive to her? She has never done anything to them, even if they don’t particularly like her, and doesn’t deserve their hostility. They are all CO-STARS. Sonja is going through something and no one is tiptoeing around her – in fact, they’re all calling her out non-stop! Did Bethenny slip something in Ramona’s pinot to maker her go all Frankelstein? Frankly, it seems like Bethenny and Ramona are unhappy and taking it out on Kristen, who seems an easy target. Hopefully she doesn’t Pop of Color off on them(™)!
TELL US – DID KRISTEN “ATTACK” BETHENNY? WAS RAMONA OUT OF LINE? WILL BETHENNY EVER STOP CRYING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]