Real Housewives Of Orange County is a world unlike any other. It is a world in which one hires a premiere cake creator to design a cake shaped like a bottle of champagne. Then one reserves a seat on a private jet to fly said cake to the launch of their said champagne. Then, come to find out, the cake is actually fake – as in not really a cake, but a Styrofoam mold that resembles a cake, and the champagne is not really champagne, but a bubbly wine. Why so much precaution over a fake cake? Styrofoam robustly withstands grubby, unskilled hands of kindergarten crafters like Meghan Edmonds, so certainly it doesn’t need a seatbelt on a private jet, or it’s own personal valet. That’s just one of the many things that ponders me from last night’s episode. There are many, many more…
Heather Dubrow is headed to Napa to launch her champagne, which is not actually champagne, because it is not produced in France, therefore it must be called “Methode Champenoise.” Basically it’s bubbly wine. And calling bubbly wine “methode champenoise” is like calling a car port a “porte-cochere.” You can put fondant on a Styrofoam mold, but it’s still Styrofoam mold! Heather – accept it: you made a designer wine cooler!
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Before Napa, Heather invites Tamra Barney and Meghan to dinner where they discuss shamps not champs (named for Heather’s daughter Colette, who was an accident, not a mistake), and Shannon Beador. Meghan seems to think Shannon hates her because over flirting with David at Heather’s hoedown. The irony that Shannon is pissy at David for behaving like a hoe at a hoedown never fails to amuse.
Then Meghan drones on about moving again, because Jim changes houses as often as he changes wives. Something about this Meghan… it’s like there is nothing there. Her affect is so wide-eyed and vacant, like a kid cosplaying a grown-up socialite. She’s got that Daria-esque Valley Girl voice, and the 13 Going On 30 vibe, just trying to mimic the adults.
Which is what led to Meghan’s issues with Shannon. Meghan, as part of her Adulthood 101 class is hosting her first charity fundraiser as Mrs. King, oops Edmonds. She calls Shannon to ask how many appetizers to serve. Naturally Shannon is affronted – Meghan is confusing her with the help! As if! And honestly, what is Shannon supposed to do – consult her many crystal balls while wearing her Hogwarts Caftan, to decipher approximately how many women are avoiding dairy, vs. how many women are raw food, vs. how many men are desperate for real food and will molecularly imbibe bacon, vs. how many women are actually just staring at Styrofoam molds of food pretending it’s food so they can vicariously ingest cake? Shannon is no Dr. Moon!
Meghan got Shannon’s “private number” from an acquaintance, because Shannon presumably hosted this event before and Meghan needed guidance (she’s clearly misguided about SHANNON’s ability to do so!). While sitting with her
parental guardian husband and the caterer, Meghan called Shannon and said, “This is Meghan King – how many appetizers do I need for the party?” Shannon was like, WHO is this? I’m driving and I am not interested in consolidating my energy costs to save $9.99 on my wireless. My kids are in the car and WiFi causes cancer, but cell phones so do not! Then she hung up.
Meghan stared at Jim, like OMIGAWD Dad – she was so rude. I mean, OMIGAWD – I thought we were supposed to be partners on this project – obviously I thought Shannon was gonna do all the work even though we like barely know each other and have met for five minutes. It was… tragic.
The worst part – they’re all going to Napa together to celebrate something. It’s not champs. Or cake. Or deep and abiding friendships. What is it?! Shannon is not looking forward to the trip, because Vicki Gunvalson isn’t going but Tamra and Heather are. Also, Shannon’s still wondering about this Meghan King woman who keeps texting her things like, “Can you just do the appetizers for me? Pllllleeeeeaaaze – I have to do a good job or Jimmy, who owns my soul, will be mad!”
Instead of Napa, Vicki is going to the “Oscars of insurance conventions” where she will be presented with an award. Vicki is bringing her special sexy g-string with her because… one never knows who they’ll meet at an insurance conference. That is where she met Brooks, after all!
So to Napa the girls go – Heather ushers them onto the world’s smallest private plane, where Katie Hamilton and Tamra bond over Jesus. It seems, Tamra found Jesus and is now saved. Her exact quote on the matter is, “I’m saved and if you don’t like it you can suck it!” Psalms: Loser 46 – the gateway to hell is paved with fake champagne in Pinterest decorated wine glasses created by a giant fake boob amid a torrent of f-bombs.
Yes, on the plane while Heather hovered protectively over her fake cake, Meghan doled out hand-painted wine glasses she dotted with puff paint. She made a special one for Shannon that said BFF in glitter pen, but Shannon tossed it out the window – wine has yeast!!! – and guzzled vodka under her seat. What fresh hell is this, Shannon seethed as Katie and Tamra yammered about how Jesus led them from the valley of shadowy debt which made them look at themselves and realize that after gold digging there was nothing left.
Landing in Napa, Heather disappears to oversee her party. Heather doesn’t micromanage, she troubleshoots. Which is like saying you don’t have car port, you have a porte-cochere. While Heather doles out instructions, Shannon doles out annilations to David. On his way from to Napa, David and Lizzie Rovsek‘s husband Christian stopped for a lunch of sushi and sake. Shannon’s negative antenna pops up and no matter how many healing crystals she hangs from the shower rod, she can’t stop the negative voices in her head from thinking the worst!
In Tamra’s room, she is distraught to discover that it was reserved under her previously married name of “Barney.” Tamra hasn’t legally changed her name to “Judge” because it’s just sooo much work! Maybe Jesus can rush Tamra to the front of the DMV line? Oh, Tamra has been married so many times, why bother changing her name again? Soon she’s gonna be on FBI Terror Watchlist for assumed identities.
Things get even weirder… Everyone is in the parking lot, ‘scuse me: parc de stationnement, waiting for the bus to Heather’s “methode champenoise” launch, but Shannon and David are missing. Detained if you will, by bickering. They finally come driving up in their golf cart, and woosh! – it just speeds on by, with them avoiding eye contact! Shannon is haranguing David over his shot-taking and allowing the negative voices to overtake her mind as the golf cart makes another loop and the driver frantically signals for help. This is not good: David drinking and cheating; Shannon micromanaging, errrr… trouble shooting! With positivity crystals.
Finally Shannon silences the negative voices in her head, and they loop around to the group. Shannon pretends the delay was a false eyelash malfunction instead of a marital one. At the party everyone clusters around the fake cake, afraid to touch it since Heather is running around with a saber and gleefully chopping things off – Terry’s balls, Terry’s retirement plan… Heather corners Terry to inform him that the kitchen cost for the new house has far exceeded the budget. It is perfectly reasonable for Heather to need a $630,000 kitchen to nuke TV dinners – oh, ‘scuse me, plateau-télés.
Meanwhile Tamra is running around desperate to flaunt her new boobs. First she was wearing some dead Muppet capelette, which she threw off to reveal a plunging neckline in the vain hope of receiving oohs and aahs. Modesty and chasteness matter not – Tamra was throwing those things in everyone’s faces like she was Alexis Bellino. Jesus Jugs Jr, y’all! Just to be bitchy Lizzie pretends not to notice. *smirk* Tamra, just wear a name-tag that says “My name is: Jesus Jugs Jr.” WWAD – What Would Alexis Do?
Finally Tamra resorts to shoving them in Heather’s back, slurring “I’m just happy to see you.” Then Tamra goes to the bathroom and emerges with an entire roll of toilet paper stuffed into the back of her spanx! Tamra did say she only does anal when she’s drunk…
Shannon and Meghan have a heart-to-heart and Shannon isn’t upset with Meghan over the hoedown. Actually, that was the day Shannon realized something was very wrong within her marriage because David was doing shots and flaunting $800 sunglasses. Do you like David’s sunglasses? They were $800. (see more on those sunglasses at the end of this recap!)
The morning after the launch party Heather awakes and bathes in liquid gold, applying diamonds to her skin one-by-one so they form a shirt. Then she skips down to breakfast to whisk the group off to a vineyard. Not everyone had such a refreshing night – Tamra found more than Jesus; she also found more toilet paper up her butt, which Eddie fished out. Tamra is full of surprises!
The vineyard happens to be a cross between Willie Wonka’s Land of Imagination and the red light district. And to drink the wine, one puts their mouth on special phallic tubes and sucks. Tamra is an old pro. It turns out Meghan is even more pro! When it was her turn to “take it from the tip” she guzzled a whole Bota Box, while Jim zoned out and stared at the wall. When everyone started cheering he came alive like, Oh yeah! haha! My wife is hot and awesome! Party!
Later that night, just when everyone is getting along, Meghan decides to stir up a little trouble – just a tip. She talks to Shannon about the charity phone call. As Meghan drones on about how she expected Shannon to care and like do stuff for her, Shannon prayed “Are you there God? It’s me Shannon, guzzlin’ my vodka. Look – you saved Tamra, apparently, so help a fellow sister out… save me from Meghan.” Meghan complains that Shannon didn’t validate her needs and Shannon said, “
Look bitch – I didn’t know who Meghan King was – I thought you were a telemarketer!”
Then Shannon stomps away, sneering, “I start charities, I don’t cater them! Now lose my number and go back to working at Forever 21!” Yes, Shannon starts charities, but that doesn’t mean she’s gonna be charitable to upstart newbie Housewife!
Meghan is confused – she believes Shannon is a “time bomb” and she can’t predict her. She can’t!? You mean Meghan can’t read the future? What if she shakes her Magic 8 Ball reallyreallyreally hard? Not even then? I can predict the future – I see dead marriages. Now where is Kathy Hilton to say, “Oh, you do magic now?”
Here’s the thing, Meghan should have called Shannon one-on-one, not during a meeting about catering food to ask her about food. Then Meghan could have said, “Hi I’m Meghan – married to Jim Edmonds. He’s got no brain, and neither do I, so we’re like mates who know each other’s souls. Or maybe he like owns my soul… Whatever! So, I’m hosting my first charity event, and this mutual friend said you hosted it last year – I’m wondering if you could just give me some advice since I’m nervous and overwhelmed.” There’s no guarantee that Shannon, in her infinite charitableness and her hatred of micromanaging, would be amenable to help Meghan, but at least Meghan wouldn’t look like a weirdo with no social graces or a sense of propriety. I mean, even if Shannon knew who Meghan King was, would she really be able to spontaneously predict appetizers for an event she knows nothing about – not the theme, not the scale, not the scope, not the venue?
TELL US – TEAM SHANNON OR TEAM MEGHAN?
Sunglasses update! Is Shannon hinting that the mistress gave David the $800 sunglasses???!!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]