Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County reality was a hard-knocks life. Meghan Edmonds cried because being a grownup is really, really, really difficult and she just needs Jimmy to wipe her tears and tell her it will be OK. Unfortunately she can’t find the box of tissues in the moving boxes and she’s pretty sure the movers put them in with her trashcan right next to her self-awareness.
Shannon Beador is on a quest to lose weight; her heavy heart is weighing her down. Despite being 50 she’s never, ever worked out! Shannon visits some trainer/spiritualist who makes her pull up her shirt and then squeezes her chi center, (which if you say that out like sounds like a delicious crispy snack similar to Cheetos!). Shannon isn’t sure what’s making the scale rise and rise (mixing nine lemons with vodka?!) but the likely culprit is emotional baggage.
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Vicki Gunvalson is still reeling from her mother’s sudden passing. Her brother Billy, who lived 5 minutes away from their mom, is taking it the hardest. Vicki consults a medium in the hopes of communicating with Joanne one last time. Since Shannon is a expert on kooky and Tamra Judge is dead inside, she invites them along. I was all, ‘Do what you gotta do!’ and was ready to believe said medium until he told Vicki her mom really liked Brooks and instructed BROOKS to take care of Vicki. The medium was sure of this because there was a crystal sparking in Joanne’s eyes – or that was the reflection of dollar signs in Brooks’ eyes.
Tamra is all: RED FLAG! Then the medium tells Billy something about his son’s tattoo and that Joanne likes it, but she says no more. Tamra wants proof this guy isn’t some hack, so she interrupts to ask what the tattoo is and the medium hushes her because she’s distracting the spirit. Finally the medium says Billy he needs to detox his colon – because there’s nothing like a little TMI from Heaven. Possibly the voices in Shannon’s heads were intercepting the communication channels and he mixed that up with Joanne’s message…
Speaking of communication breakdown, Tamra and Eddie are not mixing business and pleasure well. Eddie considers CUT Fitness “his” gym and Tamra his sidekick. Business has been at a lull, so in an effort to grab new members they are creating a free sexy couples workout video. Get on that Shannon! Except, cutting down your spouse on camera is the opposite of sexy. It’s less sexy than a Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kick which, incidentally, Tamra aimed at Eddie’s nuts during one interlude. CUT Fitness will CUT a bitch!
Tamra and Heather Dubrow take a “walk” – they were supposed to run up and down some stairs 10 times, but Heather is all, honey, let’s just have a champs at the beach and nosh on a few pepper slices – no dip! – because sweat is un-chic. I’m sure Heather has an escalator that transports her from the porte-cochere, down to the wine cellar, and back up to the falcon crest in Château de Plastique! Tamra confides that she and Eddie are having a hard time and opening a business during their first year of marriage put too much strain on them. Additionally they’ve been combating personal issues and she feels they’re very disconnected.
Heather encourages Tamra to reclaim intimacy and focus on each Eddie as a spouse, not business partners. Plus try to have sex once in a while. Heather has sex… that seems too icky and entangled and touchy and Terry-filled. All in all sage advice, but Eddie is more interested in getting handsy and crotchy with his 10-speed, it seems.
Later Tamra tells Eddie she thinks working together full-time means their marriage has become an extension of their business, so she decides to lessen her role at CUT. Instead she’s re-focusing on her real estate career, which is something she loves. She hopes it will help their marriage improve. Eddie seems relieved.
Meghan may be the “hashtag cool stepmom” but Hayley is failing out of online school and Meghan is in charge of her education. Does this spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R to anyone else? Maybe the problem is that neither Meghan, nor Hayley, (nor Jimmy Dad Jeans) can spell “disaster.” Or define it.
Hayley is only supposed to go to school once per week to check in and turn in homework she theoretically has been completing at home. But she never shows up and she never turns in homework. Meghan gives Hayley $100 in allowance as an incentive. Then she lectures Hayley on saving her money.
That’s a bit rich coming from a gold-digger. Maybe Hayley could save up her allowance to buy a hat that covers her ears so she could block out Meghan’s voice. Just a thought! But seriously – where are Meghan’s parents? Or Hayley’s? Anybody? Apparently wearing dad jeans is the extent of Jimmy’s dad-ness.
Shannon and David celebrate Valentine’s Day with dinner in a restaurant that I presume is on the list of approved mistress-free zones. Last year Shannon gave David a Valentine’s Day present and in return she got nothing because he was too enthralled with his affair. This year David gifts Shannon with a bracelet shaped like a dragon to symbolize their fantastical love – or maybe that Shannon has successfully slayed David’s wandering you know… . Hey, maybe these two will have a happy ending to their Fairy Fail romance after all!
With everyone going through so much stress, Heather planned a bowling night. Except no one will wear bowling shoes because they’re ugly and don’t feature a Chanel logo. Seriously – all the ladies bowled in their heels! Except Meghan who actually thinks bowling is the point of this thing. OK homegirl, go back to high school. In fact, go to high school FOR Hayley. You can do like a Drew Barrymore thing in Never Been Kissed.
Bowling by Bravo basically means booze and Louboutins. And very little handling of balls (because they don’t give you money in return). In between turns Tamra and Vicki discuss how Briana still refuses to accept Brooks. Tamra volunteers to play “median” between them. Vicki, in a super-sad moment, accidentally volunteers her mom to watch Briana’s kids while they get together. Oops. Vicki was so not ready to return to filming – she is still in shock. Vicki is so in shock she doesn’t even realize she won at bowling. Nary a “Woo Hoo” was shouted.
As the ladies gather for refreshments Shannon corners Vicki about Brook’s cancer treatment plan. Shannon is appalled that Brooks is juicing in between chemo treatments because Brooks needs to turn to other alternative medicines. Brooks has been avoiding white bread – isn’t that enough? Apparently Shannon’s dedicated reading of O Magazine’s health section makes her an oncologist! Vicki is annoyed and tries to shove all of Shannon’s nine lemons in her mouth.
Then the ladies hop into a limo to meet Lizzie Rovsek for dinner. Lizzie skipped bowling because of a cracked rib. In the limo Meghan regales the women with her parenting successes, including that she “put” Hayley on birth control because what if! Like 16 and Pregnant is not a hot reality show. “I don’t want to be a grandma at 30!” Meghan quips. The other women are appalled.
Let’s just break this down, snark-fee: Meghan has been married to Jim like 6 months. She’s not Hayley’s mother. Under what grounds does she have to take her teenaged stepdaughter to get birth control? Sounds like Jimmy is slipping on the Meghan Control. And it sounds like Meghan is taking this “Hashtag Cool Stepmom” thing way too far. Sadly, Meghan doesn’t seem to get it. And neither do Hayley’s parents, unfortunately.
Over dinner, Heather immediately assumes the responsibility of ordering dinner and drinks for everyone. At first I thought it was presumptuous, then I realized it was doubtful if Meghan can even read (and she’d probably order chicken fingers), so Heather morphed into Mommy Mode. I wonder if she handed Meghan a Flintstone Vitamin? Shannon doesn’t want to eat anything because she’s obsessing about her weight. This time it’s Heather who wants to take a lemon and shove it. Shannon – no one wants to spend dinner listening to you rattle through a list of ailments, complaints, and insecurities. Save that for Dr. Moon.
Meghan interrupts to invite everyone over for a Game Night because Parcheesi reveals people’s true selves. WTF?! But seriously, after what happened at Shannon’s Bunco party is another game night really such a good idea? Then Vicki one-ups Meghan by inviting all the ladies on a trip to Tahiti, to a place no one can pronounce that may be in Mexico. Or Epcot Center – who knows – Brooks told her about it.
On the way home Vicki and Tamra’s limo breaks down, so Tamra calls Heather to rescue them. Heather is like the Archangel of Rich People Problems, apparently!
After the fun, Meghan returns to her rental house and realizes Hayley never finished her homework. She was supposed to watch the stock report to see if her stocks earned any money. Meghan doesn’t want Jimmy to find out, so she starts doing the homework for Hayley.
What’s worse: not doing your homework or Meghan doing it? I would have called Heather. But seriously – WHERE ARE HAYLEY’S PARENTS?! They do realize she needs supervision, right?! What genius thought it was a good idea to put Meghan in charge because Meghan can’t handle organizing a moving box or a complete sentence!
TELL US – MEGHAN: IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS OR
CALL CPS DISASTER LOOMING? DID TAMRA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN STEPPING AWAY FROM CUT FITNESS TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]