Last night the Real Housewives Of Orange County traveled to Tahiti to debate the pros and cons of gold-digging. It ended with Meghan Edmonds being buried alive by the sheer scorn of Vicki Gunvalson. Or maybe Meghan held her own – I can’t tell.
Before traveling to Tahiti our unfortunate Housewives are forced to take part in a couples game night hosted by Meghan. Because Meghan takes her job as being a HashtagCoolStepMom very seriously, Hayley, her 17-year-old stepdaughter is involved in the planning of said party. Meghan, confusing a grownup party with her own Candy Land Princess-themed birthday party, went to Party City and bought balloons and giant bags of candy. If Heather Dubrow were planning this, she’d hire a French chocolatier to hand-craft custom-flavored truffles decorated with the family insignia. Alas, this is Meghan we’re dealing with so Blow Pops it is.
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The other ridiculous element to this COUPLES party is that Jim is not attending. He had to make a <cough, cough> last minute trip to St. Louis. Where In The World Is Dad Jeans Jimmy?!
While eating eats candy, Meghan lectures Hayley on the new rules she’ll be abiding by while living under the roof of the mysterious force know as Dad Jean’s Jim. This means no going out after 11 PM on school nights, no drinking, no boys in the bedroom, and like absolutely NO partying without
inviting HashtagCoolMeghan knowing about it. Nothing says ‘I’m serious about my impertinent pseudo-parenting’ like delivering smackdowns while arranging lollypops and glitter in a giant bowl. HashtagYoureDoingItAllWrong. I think it’s time for a little intervention known as WWHD: What Would Heather Do…
What Heather would do is drag Terry along for a little pre-Tahiti shopping – after getting him liquored up, of course. What Heather would do is nonchalantly peruse a boutique while sipping the champagne they retain for the occasion of her presence, chilled to perfection! What Heather would do is casually mention that a T-shirt costing less than $400 is a piece of tattered filth. When Terry balks, Heather zaps him with her diamond-studded Husband Redirector (aka low-wattage taser) and snaps that she’d be perfectly happy to buy him $60 discount-quality T-shirts, but then of course, she wouldn’t touch him because he’d be tainted by the likes of middle cl-assery. Conundrum! For Heather Dubrow, sybaritism is forever her watchword and GOOP be guiding force.
And then it’s off to couples-without-couples game night. Whee! Meghan, oddly, is dressed like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Why – Maybe to distract from Jimmy’s absence? Unfortunately no misstep goes unnoticed by Shannon Beador, Judgey Eyes Galore. She immediately questions where fore-art thou Jimmy be? Is it because because Shannon knows one must keep ever-vigilant in the ways of a wandering hubby? Speaking of which David is meekly scuttling around behind Shannon, staring at the ground to avoid her wrath.
Vicki arrives with Tag-a-long Brooks but she’s in no mood for games. After 15 seconds of socializing with Meghan she mimes snoring on the sofa. Vicki and Jimmy need a support group. Of course Vicki having Brooks as her party favor means she’s no judge of character! Meghan calls Vicki rude. Pot meet kettle. Vicki then leaves early unable to stand one more second of Meghan pretending Jim really wanted to be there. CHARADES WAS NOT ON THE MENU.
Heather arrives last, bearing a massive bottle of Grey Goose – her version of weight lifting. #WWHD. Everyone plays some stupid Newlywed game which is all the more stupid because Jimmy is missing. Shannon pitches a bitch-fit because David doesn’t answer ALL of the questions in the exact same way she does. Apparently that makes it obvious he’s cheating and hates her. <side eye>. Afterwards Shannon goes to the food table and sniffs an pizza from the serving platter – seriously shoves her entire nose in it and just hovers there. She’s imbuing her senses with the pizza instead of ingesting it – dairy causes blockage and unirridated bowel movements.
Then Meghan complains about needing botox so Shannon shoots her a look like, ‘Bitch you’re crazier than me.’ Meghan accuses Shannon of having “judgey eyes.” Are judgey eyes a bad thing? I would think a good things about being botox-free is one has free-reign over their facial features to issue a withering glare when need-be and there are a lot of need-bes concerning Meghan.
Then the ladies prepare for Tahiti.
For Shannon this means dragging David to counseling where David imagines being on a beach alone and Shannon sniffles about how David won’t constantly rehash “The Affair.” The therapist finally says they’re not allowed to discuss it it alone and recommends separate counseling.
While packing Tamra Judge calls Hather for advice about packing and mentions her options. Heather didn’t answer so Tamra assumed the call got dropped, but in actuality Heather was suffering a panic attack at the mere mention of polyester and was being gently revived by Hermés 24, Faubourg as she breathed into a Chanel Metiers d’Art handbag.
Tamra called Vicki next. Vicki is bringing a few sundresses and her g-string bathing suit. *Insert My Judgey Eyes Here.* Alert again, Heather packs by delicately wrapping each article of clothing in acid-free white tissue paper – so the colors don’t bleed. Then when she opens her suitcase it’s as if she’s opening bags from a store. For Heather it is of utmost importance that her clothing be treated with respect. And colored tissue paper – so garish! Heather is giving me a whiff of Mommie Dearest – in my mind I hear her shrieking, “NO MORE COLORED TISSUE PAPER!” while ripping sheaths of it to smithereens as Colette stares on dead-pan [Margot Tennenbaum-style], making notes for her future memoir. #JudgeyEyes!
Shannon packed 700 mini bottles of
vodka remedies and then realized she didn’t have room for clothes.
Personally I am quite shocked Shannon left David unattended. She probably detained him in a crystal cell to “cleanse him of negative auras” while a homeopathic essential oil sprinkler system (aka Chinese Water Torture) gently washed over him. Naturally the whole thing was monitored by Dr. Moon‘s Holistic Interventionist Committee. They only administered the acupunctures (ETC) when absolutely necessary. Shannon was receiving hourly reports from a non-wifi transmitter.
Meghan Facetimes Jim as she packs. It’s the first time we’ve seen Jim smile as he and Hayley happily stare upon Meghan from a distance, safely ensconced in Lake Havasu, relieved they can merely pretend the call dropped when it’s time to hang-up. Vicki doesn’t understand why newlyweds want to avoid each other. Vicki is reminded of how her marriage to Donn fell apart due to traveling as no time for connection meant they stopped knowing each other. Of course then Vicki recognizes that’s probably a good thing where Meghan is concerned. And look how much absence and distance make Vicki appreciate Brooks…
At the airport, Heather is wearing an open-weave sweater over a very, very concealing bra. Vicki is scandalized. Meanwhile Meghan doesn’t even seem to notice they’re at at the airport as she drones on and on and on and on about Jimmy and how she swears he loves her but it’s so haaaaard. Shannon is thankful for all-natural sedatives, but listening to Meghan’s whine has given her black lung and she starts coughing up “black shit.”
When they arrive in Tahiti Shannon confesses to Vicki that the toxins she ingested from Meghan’s delusion have given her an infection. Or possibly Shannon just ate what little remained of David’s freedom? Whatever – it’s so bad Shannon resorted to self-prescribing herself antibiotics and retires to her room early to
watch the surveillance of David in his Crystal Reprogramming Chamber sleep.
At dinner Lizzie Rovsek isn’t drinking because she may be pregnant! Meghan responds by talking about herself and Jimmy again. Ad Nauseum. Lizzie did look nauseous… then Lizzie retaliates by asking Meghan why doesn’t like Shannon. Meghan snaps that Shannon deserved it and it was justified and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Mmmkay, oh rude (and immature) one!
Vicki drills Meghan about why exactly she’s quarantined in Cali while Jimmy is barely ever there. I mean, this is no Meet Me In St. Louis love story – this is more like Avoid Me Like Shannon’s Black Shit In St. Louis. Meghan insists it’s her duty to care for Hayley because Hayley’s mother can’t. Meghan delivers this in an incredibly clipped and aggressive tone, as if Vicki was supposed to have thoroughly read the ClifNotes for Meghan & Jimmy: Heart Of Darkness. Basically Meghan is defensive because everyone realizes Jimmy has ZERO interest in spending time with his wife of 4-months. Something in the chocolate ain’t sweet!
The next day the ladies go jewelry shopping. Shannon has miraculous recovered, but now Tamra has the sharts. Vicki is concerned Tamra may leak while she’s wearing light-colored clothing. Seriously.
They stop at a jewelry store so Tamra can use the restroom – which hey, whatever excuse works! Heather tries on uber-pricey necklaces and reveals she can spend up to $10k without consulting with Terry. That really gave Tamra that shits. In my next life, I’m marrying a plastic surgeon – I Botched marriage this round. haha!
Then Vicki starts berating Meghan (and Shannon by proxy) about non-working wives who just spend their husband’s money all day without contributing. Meghan is defensive and whiny in retort. Everyone hovers about trying to assuage Vicki and assuage Meghan, but no one bothers to rip that entirely offensive headband off Meghan’s head as it squeezed her hair into a pouffier and pouffier deformed shape similar to a deflating soufflé – which is a pretty apt metaphor for Meghan’s marriage.
Shannon insists she works hard – even if she doesn’t work outside the home. Managing her family’s feng shui is extremely taxing and challenging; really, it’s a full-time endeavor. Furthermore she goes to a lot of lunches. Meghan whines that she like, ummmm, hangs out with Hayley and plays The Simms Barbie World, which like teaches real life stuff. Meghan thinks Vicki is jealous of her “situation” as the wife of a rich man.
The bottom line is this: Vicki is more sour than a bowl of 9 lemons that she’s never achieved gold-digger status, and she’s projecting her ire at Brooks‘ loaffishness onto Meghan. And while I am quite sure Vicki wishes she had a rich hubby, I highly doubt ANYONE with a brain is jealous of Meghan’s “situation” (or headband).
Over lunch Vicki continues her Tahitian Inquisition against Meghan prodding her about why she quit working after she got married. Meghan doesn’t really have an answer other than uhhhh… why work when someone else does? Then she starts whining about what a hard job cool step mom-ming is.
Heather observes that the rumor about Vicki not liking new girls seems to be manifesting. Although, to be fair, the only new girls Vicki has actively disliked are Alexis, Gretchen, and Meghan. And what do they have in common: gold digging. Vicki liked Lydia, Heather, Shannon, Tamra, even Lizzie (who is gorgeous) when they joined the group.
Or perhaps Vicki just finds Meghan annoying, rude, self-righteous, and clueless, plus she never shuts up? “After spending time with Meghan I can see why Jim ditched her in California,” quips Vicki. Why do these two strike me as two rude peas in a very obnoxious pod?
TELL US – WAS VICKI RUDE OR DOES MEGHAN DESERVE IT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]