Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County everyone got something! Briana got a new car courtesy of Vicki Gunvalson who wanted to bury the metaphorical bodies in the trunk, Meghan King Edmonds got another reason to talk about cancer, and Tamra Judge got Jesus. Or she thinks she did. #BibleForDummies Also, Vicki got another glimpse of how fabulous her ‘friends’ are!
Can we stop talking about cancer? Obviously it’s terrible, but does an entire season of Real Housewives really need to be devoted to questioning it, discussing it, and arguing over who is the expert on it. Especially when ME-ME-ME-Meghan, the person most vociferously insisting she’s the so-called expert can’t even figure out how to make MINUTE RICE!! (This same person then brags that a meal containing Minute Rice is healthy. Oh honey… have you learned nothing from Vicki: cancer loves processed food!).
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Meghan ‘cooks’ dinner for Jim and guess what they talk about? If you guessed cancer and Vicki and Brooks, you guessed correctly. Take those odds to Vegas (WINNER WINNER MINUTE RICE DINNER!). Meghan’s ONLY topics of conversation are: 1) how amazing and phenomenal and smart and fabulous and cancer expert-y she is; and 2) how stupid and horrible and dumb and un-cancer expert-y everyone else is. Everyone except Tamra.
Meghan doesn’t understand how Vicki could push her away when she’s the only person that has “any experience” with cancer and thinks it’s”fishy.” This is apparently Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Housewives.
In a new twist, Meghan now announces that after finding a lump, she may have cancer! Because this show is actually called Real Housewives Of Cancer. Breast cancer runs in Meghan’s family. Since breast cancer is the same as every single other kind of cancer and ME-ME-ME-Meghan owns all the cancers, that’s another reason she knows Brooks is lying. Meghan announces she is getting a mammogram with all the emotion of dying robot while Jim drools and slops food on his face. (GET A NAPKIN DAD JEANS JIMMY!).
Meanwhile, Shannon Beador and Heather Dubrow meet for a ladies lunch of vodka. While Brooks is starving cancer with juice, Shannon is starving sanity with vodka. Heather happily announces she has “coagulated” after leeching all over Tamra’s party and can now wear white again without looking like a tampon commercial gone very, VERY anatomically wrong. Leeches are never a good thing – right Vicki!
Guess what Heather and Shannon discuss? If you guessed Vicki and Brooks and Meghan and cancer you are cleaning up! Dang – get on the Price Is Right, like now! Shannon, is a good friend – unlike these other harlots (AHEM – TAMRA! AHEM – HEATHER!) – and wants to support Vicki in her issues with Meghan, but feels she was out of line with her comments about Meghan’s marriage, especially since the argument was over Meghan questioning and discussing Brooks. Shannon also feels Meghan has no right to put that accusation out there. “I think Vicki should have stayed on point and addressed the issue at hand – that Meghan alleged that Brooks doesn’t have cancer,” describes Shannon.
Heather pretends she had no clue the drama got sooooo nasty between Meghan and Vicki. She doesn’t understand how Vicki could talk to someone’s husband so negatively – conveniently forgetting the way TERRY has behaved towards the other women in the not too distant past! And, of course, Heather keeps mentioning that something is suspect about how much Vicki is over-reacting. A little bug made Heather think something is odd – and that little bug isn’t leeches, it’s a Spidmra. (Tamra the spider).
The bottom line – bottom like Tamra’s butt hanging out of a lace catsuit: Vicki and Meghan are BOTH out of line and need to stop! Meghan’s marriage, like Vicki’s relationship and Brooks‘ cancer, are absolutely NONE of the other person’s business. Even Jim agrees! The only thing Meghan has accomplished is proving that she’s Tamra’s bitch. Cause Tamra’s act is more transparent than a lace catsuit on a middle-aged woman announcing she ‘found Jesus!’
Speaking of which, Tamra had a consultation with her “Pasture” about getting baptized. Doesn’t holy water evaporate in her presence? Tamra isn’t perfect – but Jesus will shepherd her away from sinning via the guiding staff of her pasture. Tamra then confesses that she just threw a sex party and the pastOR’s mouth drops. She believes Jesus will help her be a better version of herself – but she wants to have her sex parties and drink her holy water too. How about finding a counselor instead?
Then Tamra and Eddie go out to dinner and Tamra equivocates about Brooks, but insists she’s supporting Vicki, just like she promised. Supporting her how, exactly – by getting someone else to do her dirty work? Wake up Vicki – your friendship with Tamra is dirtier than a pair of peed-in panties. Eddie wonders if Vicki is just being dramatic or if Brooks is actually “dying” as Vicki claims. “Well she says he’s fighting for his life…” muses Tamra.
Born again Tamra, decides she’s going to be honest for a change by confessing to Eddie that she GAVE Ryan $8k as a down payment for their new rental house so they could move to OC. Apparently Tamra never imagined this was information her husband needed to know… Uh, this is why you’re on your THIRD marriage! Eddie almost chokes on his sashimi and snaps, “You gave Ryan, a 30-year-old adult, $8,000 to move into a house?!” Eddie asks blessed mother Tammie Sue how jobless Ryan is going to pay the rent. “I am not going to work my ass off to support another man’s family!” Eddie lectures to a shocked Tamra. YES, EDDIE, YES! He essentially calls Ryan lazy, shiftless, and dependent on mommy. Tamra tries to insist it was just a loan, so Eddie demands Ryan pay them back. We all know
Brooks Jr. Ryan is never paying that money back!
Heather and Terry also might lose some money – they invested $1 million in their skincare line and if Heather doesn’t sell enough moisturizer on the Bravo Home Shopping Network she’ll have to forgo her 14th marble encrusted pooping corridor! High stakes, kids, high stakes!
Since Shannon’s marriage is perpetually in peril and her kids are sick of her moping around cuddling a crystal while crying over restaurant lists, they decide to cook Shannon and David a romantic dinner. It’s pretty sad when your pre-teen daughters are offering you relationship counseling! Shannon dresses up in 80-year-old chic with a tight bun because looking like the Queen Mum is the best way to seduce your man with the wandering eye. Her daughters wisely serve Pellegrino sans Grey Goose. It was very sweet, but I feel like these poor little girls are growing up way too fast and know way too much about their parents marital situation.
Meghan gets her mammogram and learns the lumps are only an infection, but because several members of her family had breast cancer she got tested for the BRCA gene. “I didn’t know you could get tested for that,” mumbles Jim. Does Jim just play stupid on TV – isn’t his wife like the foremost expert on cancer yet he’s never heard of BRCA?! Something is fishy.
Meghan reveals that her mom had a double-mastectomy to prevent cancer – like 10 years before Angelina Jolie did. These Kings are really on the forefront of all things cancer! Meghan owns cancer, y’all! That said, glad she doesn’t have it, but can we stop talking about it now? Jim wants to. I want to. Vicki wants to. The collective viewing public wants to…
Meanwhile Vicki is Oklahoma for Briana’s birthday. But all is not calm because Briana announces a tornado is coming – is it named Vicki?
Vicki is outside playing with Troy when Ryan announces they have to leave to either go downtown where there is less risk or wait out the possible storm in the tornado shelter – an underground walk-in closet sized hovel. Vicki freaks out and shrieks about how she needs someone to hold her. 4-year-old Troy is more relaxed. Can you imagine spending hours in a tornado shelter with Vicki?! No wonder they risked going downtown for dinner – at least there is an unlimited supply of booze!
Briana is having a tough time – living in OK she is completely separated from family and friends, which means no social life and never having help with the kids. Additionally Ryan just had back surgery, so she is working two ER jobs while doing the majority of the parenting and house stuff. She admits she actually loves when Vicki visits because it’s nice to have a break and some much-needed help.
Vicki decides to surprise Briana with a brand new Tahoe, because Briana apparently needs another car? Vicki has the dealership drive over with three options for Briana to choose from but Briana seems annoyed and slightly wary about the whole situation. I was expecting a more excited reaction, but instead Briana listlessly picks one while Vicki jumps up and down, cheering. Briana claims she’s “embarrassed” by the situation?
Vicki and Briana have ice tea on the patio while discussing Briana’s upcoming visit to Cali. Briana plans to stay in a hotel because Brooks. Vicki is furious and refuses to discuss the matter on camera, demanding Bravo turn the cameras off! She tries to usher Briana into the house, but they’re both still mic’d!
Briana is adamant about staying in a hotel because she doesn’t want to “put someone out of their bed,” but Vicki fights back that she is not going to have her daughter and grandchildren, who are her life, in a hotel. Besides Brooks will be traveling for work and won’t be there. This raises Briana’s suspicions because she’s never heard of anyone with stage-3 cancer traveling.
They erupt into an argument about motives – Briana thinks Vicki bought her the car she doesn’t need (hello Mercedes in the garage!) to “silence her” and make it look like she’s gotten over Brooks. Vicki maintains she just wanted to help Briana with the gift. Regardless, Briana will never feel comfortable around Brooks. “You moved someone into our family home that I don’t want around my children,” she snaps at her mother, who refuses to relent on Briana staying in a hotel. So much drama over one little man!
Vicki, just a little advice: If you have to constantly defend your man to every single person you know, that might be a big ol’ Mississippi-sized red flag! Put that in your Hallmark affirmation and think on it!
TELL US – IS BRIANA OVER-REACTING ABOUT BROOKS? DID TAMRA REALLY FIND JESUS? WILL MEGHAN EVER STOP TALKING ABOUT CANCER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]