Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Sink, Float, Or Swim!

Cynthia and Porsha brawl on RHOA boat trip

Well, as you know, no classy boat ride around Lake Lanier is complete without two squalling Real Housewives Of Atlanta! It’s basically a ‘What To Pack For Your Boat Cruise’ Essential – following sunscreen, and before AfterBurn Aloe. 

Yeah, I don’t know who escalated Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams‘ fight, but one thing I do know is that I’m super, ultra relieved it doesn’t appear the fallout will drag on all season, and into the next, and into the next, and into the next until I contemplate throwing them both overboard into Lake Lanier, Atlanta’s unofficial morgue, without a lifejacket, so they are stuck fending for themselves amid the ghosts. Well, at least Phaedra Parks said there were ghosts in that lake. 

Anyway, to briefly recap Fight Float, there are “fake as f–k” women causing “fake as f–k fights,” there are fingers in faces, then fingers being grabbed, there is Porsha starting to stand-straddle? (adjusting her position?) – I don’t know – over Cynthia’s lawn chair. Then all of the sudden Cynthia kicks Porsha in the crotchal region! Shocking, yes. But I was mostly relieved no one’s pants burst because, holy crap, I would not be getting all acrobatic and ‘Hi-Yah! Housewives’ in pants that tight!


Porsha is restrained by RHOA producers

Before Porsha could even move to react to Cynthia’s kick, a slew of 6 pound producers tackled Porsha onto a neighboring lawn chair and held her down. One solitary tear leaked from Porsha’s false eyelash, then she had a full-fledged sobbing emotional meltdown about how Cynthia’s life is in ruins and she is trying to drag Porsha down too. “Girl… Shut. Up. You are making things worse,” observed Sheree. (I am SO glad Sheree is back – if anything because she is the only decently dressed person ON this show. I love She By SheBroke!) 

Meanwhile, sitting there shell-shocked and looking for her mama to rock her in a soothing way this boat just would NOT, was Kim Fields. She seemed more upset than Cynthia, who was whisked away by the other ladies. 

Kenya kicks Shamea and Porsha off the boat

Kenya Moore demanded Porsha and Shamea Morton be escorted off her supremely luxury ocean liner for causing a ruckus and attempting to trap the guest of honor in vice-grip achieved by lawnchair straddling. I would have been hella glad to escape the world’s longest 3 hour tour – and that includes Gilligan’s Island! You know Kim was trying to stowaway on that lifeboat!

Kandi Burruss and Sheree Whitfield aren’t too perturbed by the fight. Kim is! She’s depressed to have wasted a day trying to make friends with crazies. Kandi and Sheree are focusing on the positive – nobody lost a weave! As Porsha walks the plank into the waiting lifeboat, Shamea tries to boost her spirit with encouraging words about how they’re better than those old bitches. Sheree, being Sheree of the perfect timing (unless you are a bill due with her name on it!), mutters “Buzz Kill.” She and Kandi dissolved into laughter. But Cynthia has suddenly dissolved into tears. 

Kandi and Sheree are over it.

Cynthia and Kenya hide in what looks like a storage closet while Cynthia cries about needing Peter. Kenya desperately fiddles with the CynthiaBot controls to brainwash her into blaming the entire fight on Porsha. Porsha must have knocked something loose in their finger jabbing, because while Cynthia’s dramatics about Peter are extra-obnoxious (as they sit amid the extra supplies, ironically) she is not falling for Kenya hissing about how Porsha is a dangerous heathen who is untrustworthy and the root of all evil in Atlanta. Yay – Phaedra, you’ve been usurped!

The entire time all this was all happening Tammy Browning was downstairs “changing.” She reappears with her Corona, like, ‘Whad I miss? When’s lunch?’ Um…

Finally freed from the boat, the ladies convene with their respective groups to recount the story of Porsha Vs. Cynthia.

Kenya tells her Aunt Lori, who apparently is a devout follower of the Oprah, Iyanla, and Dr. Phil Fix My Life Cult. She advises Kenya to be the positivity she wishes to see in the group. Does this woman know Kenya? Krayonce is like the binding agent that adheres all the drama with her constant trouble-stirring, mayhem-causing, ‘I’m the victim!’ antics. But Kenya is inspired, because Porsha is a wild Macaw who needs her wings clipped so Kenya can steer her away from the left, and towards the right. I don’t think anyone can pull off that formidable task, least of all Kenya! 

Kandi informs Don Juan and Carmon. Kandi blames Cynthia for overreacting, Kenya for starting crap with Shamea, and says Porsha didn’t mean “bitch” that kinda way. But Carmon just accurately describes the situation as like “dealing with Mama Joyce.” Mmmmhmmmm… 

At Porsha’s house, her mama visits with some Chicken Soup for the Trouble Housewives’s Soul. Cause awwww… you got beat after starting an argument with another adult woman, let me comfort you. UGH. Apparently that goes beyond soup and requires the whole f–king chicken wrapped in 10 layers of aluminum foil.

There is a problem of pants in the Williams family beause when Porsha’s mama walked through the door, for half a second I thought she wasn’t WEARING ANY PANTS! Those skintight, flesh-colored leggings!!!! 

Porsha shows off the bruises on her stomach, legs, and arms, but she’s fine. Also, Porsha promises to forgive Cynthia – she understands marital implosions can do awful things to a girl, and she also knows Peachter has done lots and lots and lots of things that Porsha could share but won’t because SHE’S A GOOD PERSON. 

Kim Fields is shocked by the boat fight

Phaedra meets a shell-shocked Kim for a smoothie and some smoothing over. After Kim let everything ruminate, she came to the decision that Kenya instigated by demanding Shamea leave the boat. As soon as Phaedra heard Kim complain about Krayonce, they were B. F. F. 4. LYFE! Praise Jesus! Sadly, it’s sink or swim with the ladies of RHOA and I believe Kim needs a one-on-one with Phaedra’s personal swimming instructor to survive this bunch!

Cynthia turns to Peter for support. HAHAHAHA He flew home from Charlotte to find Cynthia still in disbelief over kicking Porsha. She wants Peachter’s reassurance that she’s not a bad person. It’s not like she’s Porsha – regularly getting into fights! Peter is less than sympathetic, but uddenly Cynthia is hugging him in the most unloving, untender, tepid hug ever while exclaiming that their marriage is back on track because they need each other. Did I miss some scenes when I was still shocked over Porsha’s mom’s pants? 

Later Kenya calls to check-in on her little friend Cynthia, AKA “Kung Foo Panda” who has “kind of slanty eyes”. Kenya decides to host a reunification brunch for the group, but first she wants to talk to Porsha about how things got so crazy, so fast (Blame it on that al-al-al-alcoholllll!). Kenya knows Porsha is dense as a a cheap wig,  but if Kenya and Porsha could move forward after their issues, anyone can!

Kandi & Todd get an ultrasound

In the middle of all this Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Jackie. Todd is losing me this season! First, in the waiting room, he asks Kandi about the money Phaedra owns him. Then while Dr. Jackie is having a hard time finding the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler and decides to do an ultrasound, Todd steps out to make a phone call, leaving Kandi to wax poetic about how she expects Todd to be an “equal helpmate” when this baby is born. Mmmm… 

Continuing the trend of RHOA’s atrocious sartorial choices,  Kenya wears my grandmother’s dust ruffle to meet Porsha for milkshakes (pre-brunch). Porsha is salty from the moment they sit-down. She is not fooled by Kenya’s sweetening up attempt. Sometimes Porsha is not as dumb as she acts. Sometimes.  

Porsha and Kenya talk

It circuitously begins as the 3000th rehash of Kenya and Porsha’s never-ending argument with blaming, and ‘Who me?!’ Finally Porsha says, “You don’t have compassion for me. I don’t trust you.” So Kenya – thankfully – redirects and instead suggests Cynthia and Porsha try to forgive by accepting they both caused the altercation on the boat. That works for Porsha, and to lunch they go! 

Kim, Kandi and Phaera arrive to lunch ON TIME and are surprised no one else is there. I love Kandi suddenly pretending she’s never late. Girl… we see you on all the previous seasons of RHOA!

Kim is hopeful Cynthia and Porsha will both take ownership of their behavior and be friends again. Kim is a good mediator, focused on working things out with diplomacy (not drama!), which I love and appreciate. Another positive: Sheree’s lunch outfit was fabulous! “Budget?! What’s that?!”

When Cynthia appears – wearing a t-shirt with her own photo on it?! – it’s awkward until Kim addresses the “elephant in the room” (That Cynthia is wearing her own face on a t-shirt?). Cynthia plans to apologize for her part in over-reacting on the boat and hopes they can move on. 

Finally Kenya and Porsha arrive, together, but with the distance of a thousand Moseses parting a thousand Red Seas between them. Kenya starts off trying to ‘oversee’ this lunch with her phony savior routine, but Kim – oh Kim I LOVE your subtle shade – refuses to let this become ‘The Krayonce Show” and focuses on how it’s about Porsha and Cynthia. Porsha asks Cynthia if she wants to talk privately. 

Cynthia & Porsha make amends

Shockingly they had a civil conversation about how they experienced a massive miscommunication and both behaved terribly. Cynthia and Porsha apologized to each other and decided to let it go. It seemed genuine! And they hugged. 

Meanwhile, back at the table, Kenya is explaining how Porsha never takes accountability for her own actions, while SHEEEEEE is the bigger woman time and time again. Case in point the chat they just had! Kandi, either pregnant and over everything, or taking a cue card from MadKim (of the rebel hair, and rebel Real Housewives attitude), goes rogue, and tells Kenya she can’t take accountability for her behavior either, but she sure can tell everyone else how they’re doing wrong! 

Kandi calls out Kenya

No one breathed. “Jesus take the wheel. And drive. FAST!” advises Phaedra, suddenly very interested in cake. Everyone sat still as statues, afraid to move for fear of the wrath of Krayonce’s Twirlsanity. 

And naturally, Kenya is all ready to argue and get in Kandi’s face, when she remembers Kandi is pregnant. Oh Kandi… I like your style girl. 

Porsha and Cynthia return to the table with renewed spirits of peace and friendship. “That is the power of forgiveness!” praises Kim. Everyone cheered and seemed thrilled to not have to talk about this for the remainder of their existence. Almost everyone, that is. 

Kenya is not for the Porsha/Cynthia peace agreement

I caught that split-second moment when the camera paused on Kenya’s pissy-bitch face… She was hoping Cynthia and Porsha would end up in another argument; she was hoping they wouldn’t work things out. Well, that’s the thing about hopes – they don’t come with guarantees! 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]