Another season, another reason to floss for the Shahs of Sunset, and let’s hope they bring the gold!
We open with a look back on Reza Farahan standing up Adam Neely at the altar in Thailand. That would be enough to ruin any
normal relationship but who’s that creeping in the background while Reza sleeps? It’s Adam! These two lovebirds stayed together and made it work. They even added an adorable little rescue pup, Tini, to the family. I am really happy these two worked it out and Reza realized that the grass isn’t always greener. On Reza’s short list of goals: get married, build a house, have fun with friends and family…oh and have sex and buy gold. Naturally.
Newlyweds Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido are busy drinking free Fiji water from her Dad and working out to keep in tip top shape
before their marriage crashes and burns. Because the couples that sweats together stays together. No irony or anything here. Mike starts to wax poetic about how amazing – and how hard – it is to be married for four months; apparently, he has to ask permission to do everything. I’m assuming Mike has managed to find some time to himself given that they are already getting divorced because of his cheating. I doubt Jessica gave permission on that one. I can’t wait to see how that plays out this season.
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Over at Mercedes “MJ” Javid‘s place, we see she has also added to her family in the form of puppy Toya and a stray boyfriend she must have picked up from the pound. Never one to disappoint, MJ tells this romantic fairy tale of how they met online, then he went to their first date in basketball shorts and greeted her with an erection. Charming! Obviously, Tommy’s a keeper because here he is, helping her clean out her closet, which is actually just a giant room in her apartment strewn with her old clothes on a rack and the floor. MJ, you have thousands of dollars in designer bags, shoes, and clothes, can you please put getting a CLOSET on your short list of goals.
When Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi stops by Asa Soltan Rahmati‘s house, we finally have a chance to see how Asa has been channeling her Persian-Pop-Priestess-Universe-Transcending creative energy. More diamond water? A hot new album? An international art show? Nope. CAFTANS. Clearly, Asa has been designing with Kyle Richards, the Caftan Queen, in mind and has a whole line to show for it. Since posting four pictures of herself in one of these color explosions on Instagram, Asa just can’t keep the caftans from flying off the shelf and even hired an
very bored assistant to check her emails in the background. The caftan business is cut throat and all bases have to be covered in case they get an emergency order from Ms. Richards heading out on a last minute beach vacation.
GG reveals that her rheumatoid arthritis (and alcoholism) is getting much worse. She describes herself as bitter and nasty but wouldn’t miss an upcoming birthday party for newest cast mate Shervin Roohparvar for the world. Because someone who is teetering on the edge of emotional ruin needs a party filled with alcohol and the people she has been fighting with for months now. Don’t let anything stand in your way of a free drink, GG.
I can’t even begin to discuss in detail Mike and Jessica’s session with the wedding photographer, where Mike spends the whole time listing how much he spent on the wedding. $10K for a Tom Ford tuxedo!? Mike, please get your priorities straight. Which he clearly does because he describes their marriage as either “taking them higher” or “destroying them.” I’m pretty sure this is what Shakespeare would call foreshadowing.
Reza and Asa go shopping for Reza’s new Palm Springs house and Reza decides to ask Asa if she would do whatever she needs to do to officiate his wedding to Adam, because he is “ready to get married now.” Are we forgetting a crucial piece here? Has Reza actually asked Adam to get married again? Never mind that, it’s an honor for a Persian Pop Priestess to use her Priestessing to officiate a surprise wedding to the guy he stood up at the actual planned wedding just a few months ago.
We get to see a familiar face in Shervin, who has appeared in past seasons of Shah but is now a full time cast member. GG stops by his house to
drink discuss his upcoming birthday party and be awkwardly sexually harassed the second she walks in the door. Shervin is about to throw a 35th birthday party for himself and describes it as “St. Tropez but in San Diego.” It’s also going to be a white party. Shervin is showing all of his 35 years here because, outside of the Housewives crew (who are also extremely out of date with what is trendy), white parties haven’t been cool since 2006. But when you’re a Shah with too much money, it doesn’t really matter what is hip with the kids anymore. Being out of touch is a Shah way of life. Shervin tries on some way too tight white shirts and looks like what I would imagine a waiter at a new Lisa Vanderpump restaurant would be wearing as a uniform.
On the White Party Boat circa 2006, we get to see another doomed couple in Asifa Mirza and Bobby Panahi. Cue eye roll, that these two are still together, let alone on the show. Mike and his ridiculous captain’s hat fawn over Jessica in anticipation of her getting ripped to shreds by all of his friends once they start drinking.
The boat starts moving without the birthday boy and no one can understand where he is…until he flies in on a helicopter. Very subtle. Helicopter arrivals are very 2016 I guess. Shervin decided to spend likely hundreds of thousands of dollars on a yacht booze cruise for his friends and a helicopter arrival but ended up wearing a see through white t-shirt and linen pants to his party? At least throw a gold chain around your neck and represent!
GG and Mike have an awkward exchange, only highlighted by his awkward little sailor cap. It’s really hard to take him seriously on a regular day, much less when he is dressed up like a castaway from a Village People concert. Instead of dwelling on trivial things, like friendships that are torn apart by lies, cheating accusations, and backstabbing, the Shahs decide to drink. GG wastes no time going from aloof and angry to giggly and slurry, which is the PERFECT time for Shervin to suggest that as a birthday present, GG and Jessica “hash it out.”
Jessica clearly doesn’t want to do this but hey, then it wouldn’t be good TV, so she reluctantly sits down and these two start to have the least productive conversation possible thanks to GG’s eyes crossing from all the shots she’s done. I’m pretty sure GG doesn’t know if it’s Jessica or Shervin or the Devil himself in front of her right now, but either way, she jumps right in with lots of animated hand motions and more slurring. Outside of making trashy reality TV moments to last a lifetime, I’m not really sure why Jessica would even have an interest in sitting down with the woman who said her boyfriend, now husband, tried to bang her while on a group vacation that Jessica wasn’t invited to. The conversation stops short when Reza and Asa decide to pretend check on them (be nosy) and break it up because GG doesn’t want “an audience” for once.
The show then cuts to a nice little montage of GG drinking at the party, eyes blood shot and hair extensions askew. She is quickly going into Loch-Nesa territory and uses something completely innocent like cake cutting, as an opportunity to crawl out of the depths of the bitter and evil hell she lives in and throw cake on Asifa, who is sporting a $3K dress. Asifa walks away and smears a small piece on GG’s bare shoulder, and well, that was a mistake. NO ONE CAN PUT THEIR HANDS ON LOCH-NESA. And the monster emerges.
GG smacks the back of Asifa’s head and has to be pried away, screaming what sounds like a profanity laced tirade of Housewives of Atlanta catch phrases like, “Girl Bye.” Which coming out of a drunken GG, sounds more like “Gooool Baaah.” GG, please switch to water and get your stomach pumped if that’s what it will take for you to be a decent human being at a social gathering. Everyone is concerned as she tries to hold her head up and stuff her face with something from the party platter. GG likes to not only drink her feelings but eat them too.
Looks like a lot of drama is in store for us this season and the Shahs have changed about as much as the white party trend from 10 years past. See you next episode!
Photo Credit: Bravo