Last night on Real Housewives Of New Jersey, we learned that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, even if said leopard changes the way she wears them. Jacqueline Laurita
groveled extended the olive branch to see if Teresa Giudice was sincere about washing their hands of bad blood and rebuilding their friendship.
Teresa is out of prison, and from this point forward everything must go in a new direction. Say “new direction” fast and it sounds like “nude erection,” which encompassed about 3/4 of the things Teresa learned from “camp.” The other thing was not to be slutty with your your John Hancock. So, yeah, about those leopards and their spots…
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The ladies of Jersey would like to remind you that first and foremost they are wives and mothers – domesticated women with traditional marriages who believe a woman’s role is in the home. Until she goes to prison. Or opens her own clothing boutique. At Teresa’s, she is scampering working the ponytail assembly line, and frying eggs, while Juicy sleeps
it off in. He needs to rest after doing hard time playing Mr. Mom all year. However, after a year ‘away,’ Teresa is overwhelmed adjusting to the “world wind” at home.
Just when Teresa finds time to catch her breath, she realizes she’s not allowed to walk the kids down their half a mile long driveway to meet the bus, because she’s on house arrest (and wearing her least favorite accessory, like ever – an electronic ankle bracelet) and will violate parole if she leaves the house without permission. While Teresa screams for Joew to wake up, the kids run screaming towards the idling bus, and Teresa’s shrill voice gets lost in the air. A world wind indeed.
Meanwhile, Poison has learned from observing Juicy that he’ll do anything to avoid becoming Mr. Mom – even if that means sabotaging Melissa Gorga‘s boutique, Envy. Poison is just so envious of all the time and attention Melissa is giving her new-found career. Melissa begs him for help, but Poison is too busy ‘work-king.’
Across town, Jacqueline is in the throes of a nervous breakdown, brought on by one Teresa note and a five minute phone call. Jacqueline rambles on and on to a bored Chris about how to interpret Teresa wanting “New Beginnings.” Jacqueline even hopes that if she stands on her head and tries to see things from a different position, the answer will just fall right out of her head. Instead, it just musses her hair so Chris has to fix it. Brushing it 100 times, like a covetous Jan Brady taught him, while Jacqueline drones, “Teresa! Teresa! Teresa!”
Finally, long after Chris has gone to bed, after brushing his teeth with BLK water and turning out the lights, Jacqueline announces to the darkness, “I think I’ll just ask Teresa what she means.” The darkness has no answers though – and not even the tiny nightlight in the bathroom is able to reassure her that she’s going the right way.
Does Jacqueline seriously exercise in her bathroom? Maybe that’s what Ashlee overheard from down the hall?
With the kids at school, Teresa decides to unwind with a little yoga – just like she did in prison. Coming home to four kids, one of them Milania, plus Joe, and not being able to escape? It’s really not all that different from prison!
Before stretching her limbs, Teresa checks in on Juicy to find him THROWING BILLS AWAY! Bills with her name on them! Teresa explains this is exactly how she wound up in prison in the first place – since nothing is like ever, ever her fault and she just blindly followed Joe down the financial black hole. The blind leading the blind… well… until a light bulb (finally) went off and Teresa realized she has to address bills. But Joe is going to avoid them, just like he’s going to avoid yoga. Suddenly then the doorbell rings! Surprise, surprise: It’s Jacqueline! And she’s extending the Jersey olive branch: Starbuck’s!
Teresa actually seems legitimately surprised to see Jacqueline, as they awkwardly settle in to an awkward conversation. It turns out that Jacqueline has been overthinking this why is Teresa calling her thing, and Teresa just truly does want “new beginnings” (code words for “ignoring the past”). Then, as if they never had that four-year long very public fight of exposing all of each other’s deepest, darkest secrets, Teresa regales Jacqueline with sexy times yoga poses, why her knees hurt post-prison, and how to fashion a dildo out of electrical tape, three kinds of mustard, and a ballpoint pen cap. Just in case Jacqueline’s financial woes necessitate her cutting back on vibrator batteries.
Jacqueline leaves releaved that once again she and Teresa are “Lucy and Ethel.” Or, at the very least, they don’t want to stab each other’s eyes out and put photos of each other’s husband’s mistresses on twitter.
Jacqueline skips over to Dolores Catania‘s house where Siggy Flicker, sufficiently healed from her face lift, is inspecting the house for a remodel. It was the house Dolores shared with her first husband, but when she got engaged to another man she moved in with him, and the house sat abandoned with its 90’s cabinetry growing quaint and soggy. Now, Dolores is back and wants a new house look to go with her new attitude. While she and Siggy talk, Jacqueline busts in on the blushing and giggling, bursting with excitement that she and Tre are Back in Bestiedom! This is cause for a lot of loud shrieks and cheers, followed by champagne. Dang – are Dolores and Siggy the excitable types!
It turns out Dolores has been able to maintain her relationship with Teresa for all these years because she’s the endlessly forgiving type. Take for instance, her ex-husband. He cheated on her while she was pregnant, yet here they are, best friends, living a block away from each other and everyone who isn’t ‘inner circle’ still thinks they’re married. Dolores wonders if maybe that’s why she’s still single? On the happy note, her 102-year-old grandmother is beyond adorable.
Since Teresa had the brilliant idea to throw Dolores a birthday luncheon, but she can’t actually leave her house, Siggy is recruited to be Teresa’s partner in non-crime. They meet at the restaurant where the party will be held, and Siggy has been in overdrive hand-making leopard-print everything from invites to table settings to some sort of bag with Dolores’ name on it? Teresa barely managed to pull sweats over her monitoring anklet. It seems Siggy is perfectly happy to be the manic to Teresa’s depression and abuse all that Christmas Tree Shop has to offer.
Siggy comes from Israel, and has a very traditional family. She’s a mother of two, who’s had a hysterectomy and a divorce. They are not one in the same. She’s now remarried to the love her life, but her ex gave her the best gifts: two children. Siggy is also a relationship expert, who really, really likes Spanx!
Melissa comes over to visit with Teresa and complain about Poison not being supportive of her boutique. Teresa has no pity; Melissa knew what she was getting into, and furthermore, at least Poison has a job – unlike Juicy who is back to sleeping until noon and demanding six square meals a day in bed. Teresa admits there aren’t many women who would stick by Juicy after he got her sent to prison, but she took those Italian wedding vows very seriously. Even Dolores explains, in their neighborhood, going to prison was less scandalous than getting divorced. Good for Teresa, then?
Melissa goes to choose boutique merchandise with Carrie Bradshaw’s evil twin, Jackie, who is Melissa’s business partner. The hair and the tutu? Just no. Furthermore, I agree with Melissa that the mustard-colored nursing home PJ’s were not the thing to inspire envy – no matter what one’s age and size.
Apparently, Jackie owns a successful boutique in Florida, so that’s how she became Melissa‘s business partner in Jersey (?), except Melissa doesn’t seem to want any of Jackie’s know-how or expertise – only her investment capital. So, when Jackie cautions her against too many jumpsuits and mini dresses since her audience is made up of Melissa Gorga fans, not Melissa Gorga look-a-likes; Melissa doesn’t listen. Jumpsuit away!
Everyone is instructed to wear a leopard-print accent to Dolores‘ party – except Dolores, who will be the lone lady in red. She gets dressed at Jacqueline’s and is apprehensive about being the center of attention. Luckily Teresa will be there to take that burden off her hands!
Teresa can’t drink since she’s being watched like a hawk from the parole board, so she’s Melissa‘s DD. Then the leopard-printed ladies are off to wish Dolores a less-spotty new year.
With only lemon to take the edge off her water, and no way to do yoga in 6″ heels, Teresa isn’t prepared to run in to Kathy Wakile and Rosie. She tepidly says hello with all the insincerely Teresa is famous for, then avoids them while taking careful pains to monopolize Jacqueline and Melissa‘s attention. Rosie admits she’s hurt by Teresa ignoring them.
Siggy decides everyone should share stories about Dolores. She demands the other guests must act out the story. Like role playing an episode of ‘This Is Your Life’ from Sesame Street? Ok – what??
Melissa tells the tale of child Poison being in love with Dolores when she was a high school friend of Tre. Melissa is certainly NOT jealous, though. Maybe Dolores could help Poison with his feelings of loneliness and with the kids while Melissa is turning Envy into a boastful business filled with all the polyester clothes every Jersey girl wants to wear?
Next Teresa shares a story. Not about Dolores, but about herself. Because Teresa wants people to know she didn’t take the whole ‘camp’ experience too seriously. Sure, she did yoga, and arts and crafts, and first aid, and survival skills, but she also learned that people have to release their “seratogens” and laugh at uncomfortable icky stuff. I guess Teresa decided telling stories about Dolores was so like already been done, and people were tried of hearing about the birthday honoree, because they really wanted to learn about Teresa’s prison adventures, but were too polite to ask.
Luckily, Dolores was not completely ignored, because Teresa asked her to act out the story alongside Jacqueline. The story is about how Teresa got touched – not sexually – in prison, and then was awoken one night by her cell mate and another woman going down on each other, leaving the whole place smelling of fish. Who’s ready for lunch?!
Yeah, somethin’ stinks, alright – and I think it was Teresa‘s super shitty ulterior motives towards Jacqueline by forcing her to play the fishy friend. Later, she makes Jacqueline simulate licking Dolores’ face. (For the record I think there is no animosity towards Dolores). Although, I think Jacqueline is sniffing around looking for cameras and trouble and is no Teresa-fied innocent victim herself!
Sadly, Jacqueline is levitating with delight because Teresa loves her again, while Melissa looks as if she smells something fishy. She wonders where this sudden Lucy/Ethel story is going? Are they gonna crush grapes, or is someone – Jacqueline – gonna get crushed? Teresa insists it truly is ‘new beginnings’ – just like she and Melissa are starting over. Of course, as both Teresa and Melissa remind us, they kind of have to since they’re stuck together and all. But for the meantime everyone is supportive of Tre and Jac being back.
Also, since Teresa is the gift that keeps on giving, she asks if any of the ladies have heard of squirting. Despite warnings not to try this at home, Jacqueline wonders if it’s possible. Perhaps she needs her own stay at camp to find out?
After the party, Teresa drives a drunk Melissa home. Meanwhile, Siggy, Jacqueline, and Dolores hop into a stretch limo straight out of a 1999 prom movie. On their way to the car, Siggy kicks off her heels and whips out fuzzy slippers she keeps in her purse. Is this lady Type A, overly-prepared, or what?!
Dolores is happy and feels the love after her party. She seems sweet, and simple (simple, meaning uncomplicated), and not looking for unnecessary trouble. She also seems like the neutral foil to help unify all the enormous egos and neurotics.
In Teresa’s car, a drunk Melissa has turned into her alter-ego, Melissa “Mother F–king” Gorga, and bellows at Teresa for being a terrible driver. Teresa tattles by calling Poison. Eventually, Teresa chariots a nonsensical Melissa home. Hopefully Teresa realized this is what it’s like to hang out with herself: loud, cuts everyone off, never lets anyone speak, and makes no sense as she rants and raves and gets easily confused.
TELL US – WERE TERESA AND JACQUELINE SINCERE ABOUT “NEW BEGINNINGS”? ARE YOU LIKING SIGGY AND DOLORES SO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]