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Real Housewives of New York reunion

Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York reunion started with the women tiptoeing around each other, gently nudging at each other’s ankles like cats giving ‘love bites,’ to see how you’ll react to their brand of toxic care. In reality, the women were trying not to jump the gun by getting nasty first, save to see what the other girl possibly had up her skirt. 

Someone could have an apple in their mouth, or they could have one hidden in their hand waiting to be thrown, and the whole entire time you could have misunderstood their meaning, their intent, or their entire mythological way of being. Is it evident that I have no idea what I am saying? I must be on the same (alleged) drugs as Dorinda Medley.

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First, let me break down Bethenny Frankel, beginning with a vocabulary lesson. The word is Hypocrite. Used in a sentence: It’s hypocritical to be delighted that Ramona Singer is getting her rocks off, but then demean Luann de Lesseps for the same behavior. 

To illustrate, for Bethenny, who seems confused about what exactly is hypocritical regarding her treatment of Luann (as one viewer mentioned, Bethenny is completely disrespectful to her cast mates on a regular basis, then is completely unapologetic) – if one continually brags about being “pro-woman” and takes pride in supporting women to have free will and independence, slut-shaming and using misogynistic language rooted in degrading women – “whore” or “slut” – is NOT supporting women. Furthermore, and not to make this recap a Women’s Studies 101 class, it is participating in patrimony and misogyny. Mostly, though, it is low-base bullshit at its lowest and I completely disagree with Bravo not taking a stance against such disgustingness.

Luann

Like Luann or not, approve of Luann or not, Bethenny made revolting accusations and she is NOT apologetic. She is only sorry she got so angry she probably burst a blood vessel, which is why she had to flee Dorinda‘s Berkshires home in a cashmere onsie at 8 am. And why was she SO angry? That question was asked by several viewers, per Andy, yet Bethenny refused to give an answer, she kept circling the very drain she was falling down.

What’s also hypocritical is declaring that people on reality shows need to “own it,” while refusing to discuss your boyfriend because you don’t want your personal life out there. What? Maybe, just maybe, Bethenny is afraid proof she was dating him long before he was separated could come rolling out.

But Bethenny’s perception of truth is like a drunk girl wobbling home on a broken heel. And that girl is probably a slut. But so long as she got drunk on Skinnygirl, it doesn’t matter right. Oh wait, or does it?

Bethenny shrieking “You’ve never dated a man you haven’t slept with” and “You’ve slept with all of Manhattan!” – what is this 1925? So? Is that supposed to be an insult? This is the era of Tinder. Get over yourself, Bethenny “Give No F–ks” Frankel and get a reality check! How Ramona and Carole Radziwill can support her is the true mark of sycophantism. 

Also, calling a TEENAGE GIRL on the phone, on national television, to demand she vouch for your not having an affair with her father, is the stroke of a desperate woman.

Just because Bethenny believes something a self-evident truth, doesn’t make it a quantifiable one. I guess Bethenny probably isn’t up on her existentialism? Probably because the only thing she reads is her own self-congratulative twitter feed. She should be reading Class With The Countess instead to learn valuable things about conducting oneself in public.

But since all opinions are verifiable truths in the land of Real Housewives Of New York , I concur that Bethenny is a horrible person. It’s true – Luann said so! 

Personally, if I were Luann and Sonja Morgan I would start a company called “Slutty Girl” and make clutch-sized overnight kits including condoms, deodorant, and morning after erasers. Ride that wave of insults all the way to bank, girls, then sail off in a yacht to bang age-appropriate pirates! 

Bethenny

Bethenny can’t deem that she’s ‘calling out hypocrisy’, when she’s actually just being an outright bitch with a chip on her shoulder who is picking targets for no reason, then insisting the targets made her do it. She’s verbally and emotionally abusive and I’m sick of watching her justify her rageaholic behavior! Even Andy tried to question her about it, but then he probably got afraid B-Hulk would rise from the pallid, ashen cheeks, sprouting from the limp, cheap imitation Countess hair, and roar in his face with breath reeking of morning after Skinnygirl. It’s probably the fibroids speaking. 

Luann gets major side-eye too. The Tom-shenanigans have made me lose a lot of respect. Just NO to her namby-pamby, “You don’t steal a man away, he goes willingly.” More like the other woman let him go cause he’s a loser and Luann is the only one who hasn’t seen the writing on his very bald head, glaring at her in the sunlight, saying, “Red Bottoms Run.” 

I suppose Tom also went “willingly” into the arms of a blonde Playboy type at The Regency one fine night when Bethenny’s iPhone camera was tuned to ‘night view’. (ROLLING MY EYES TO INFINITY AND BEYOND AT LUANN’s FLIMSY EXCUSES). 

Again, this isn’t 1925. Luann should have some self-respect. Her self-worth should not be measured in having men want her. C’mon Countess. Gross. 

Look – Luann can be “Lie-Ann” just as Bethenny can be “Bitchenny,” but it has all gone TOO low. Too mean. Last season the show was so fun – this season it was sad. 

But, before Bethenny spewed her filth and hate and Luann tried to catch her in a lie, things were kinder, gentler, and all about Dorinda. I like Dorinda. She’s a dignified woman who takes life in stride. She’s confident and not looking for others to approve of her choices. And if she likes John – so be it. Actually if Bethenny and Ramona don’t like him that’s probably a compliment. Anna Wintour likes him well enough. Beyonce does, but like all dictators getting fat and ugly sucking the fat from their own bones, Bethenny’s opinion is the truth. 

Dorinda and Sonja

Sonja even vouches for John. Yes, he’s inappropriate (no, she was never his friend with benefits) and in some circles John doesn’t work. In circles as classy and elitist as Real Housewives Of New York, he is a sweaty, uncouth degenerate clod who needs to do something with an apple. Maybe take it to the MET Ball?

Dorinda isn’t looking to drag John to the altar. They’re casually in a relationship which works for them. Good for Do for following her heart. 

In other Dorinda matters, she, a real friend, shrugs off approving of Ramona’s dates, even if she did once call them douche bags. It’s still Ramona’s life. So even with Sonja vindictively shouting in Dorinda’s ear to definitively declare that Ramona dates idiots, Dorinda holds her ground. Even when the ladies accuse Dorinda of doing coke, she holds her ground. I don’t think Dorinda does coke. Maybe she’s done it a time or two, but regularly? No. But once again, Bethenny is allowed to make any accusation she wants. 

Revisiting Ramona’s 400th Tru-Renewal, this time she renewed into self-obsessed, clueless blonde form no. 486. Ramona is a more centered, grounded person – with rounder boobies to boot. Ramona is “dat-ting,” she’s dancing to “rig-gay” (or is it ‘regate’), she’s questioning Reys, and she’s loving life in macrame. Post-divorce Ramona spent a lot of time with gays, and Toms, but now she’s happily playing the field. Which means, next season, Bethenny will slut-shame her. With Mario, Ramona lived life reflexively walking on eggshells – she did? – trying to make him happy – she was? – and forgot to take care of herself. Wasn’t she True Renewing back then too? Also, Avery thinks she looks better than most 30-year-olds (that I’ll give her) and her tits look great (that I disagree with).

Ramona & Carole

Ramona has nothing to hide but everything. Oh, and she and Mario are civil. Unlike Bethenny and that ex she finally managed to nab. 

Carole muttered some things here and there. She resembled wilted rose petals from Mrs. Havisham’s wedding banquet. Her hair seemed slept on. At least she confirmed that the name Radziwill is pronounced Radziville in Europe. They’re Polish, you know, a Germanic language. Luann is from Berlin, CT. Don’t you love a little mid-reunion etymology to break things up?

We still have no idea the origin of Sawn-YA, but I’m going with a language formed from a small species of flighty birds from the Breton region of France. They subsist on murky cabernets hewn with tuberoses and pixie wings. They are nocturnal and prefer to burrow deep in the down underground of all things: duvets, loaded basements; possessing of deep moxie and rare clairvoyance in opportune times. They are sometimes blinded by sparkles and prefer the rare and antique to the functioning realities of today. Basically being a SAWN-ya is preferable to being a Sonja. Sonjas are just ordinary girls from some no-rate town in CT, near Berlin but far enough away that you don’t shop at the same Target. All those girls are just bumbling around, finding MOREgans in NYC, finding each other on the wrong end of a camera or a hostess stand, finding Counts, thinking it all counts, until it doesn’t and you’re left with dwindling Benjamins and one lonely Tom, shared betwixt you in the secret caves of some Duvetland. 

Sorry – that went off track. I guess I was bored watching this reunion. It was more of the same. More pejorative deflection. More people screaming about owning things they don’t own themselves – including men. And more women whimpering insults in whispers and simpering in the sidelines. I’m looking at you Jules Wainstein and Carole

Jules was stoic about her divorce, stoic about her dad’s health, and silent otherwise, until she either tried to insult Bethenny or defend her. I really couldn’t tell what was happening there? 

So Bethenny doesn’t believe she’s in the wrong for calling Luann slutty names, so Luann shouts that Bethenny is the real hypocrite because she’s dating a married man. She was seeing him long before he was separated, when he was still living at home with his family. This is apparently well-known in Luann’s slutty circle? It is apparently well-known that this is not Bethenny’s first married man. Bethenny is affronted. She is shaking with the Seminole rage of her unimpugnable character being questioned. She is Skinnygirl! From her fibroids, secrete perfection, gushing out in such torrents it cannot be contained by white pants, white furniture, or thong bikinis!

Luann

Luann knows this wife. Jules does too. Jules pipes up that, last November, Bethenny called the wife. “Thanks Jules,” mutters Luann. “Everyone knows she sleeps with married men,” Luann simmers, the undercurrent of what could be a peripheral truth.

This argument seems futile – the only married man Carole and Bethenny can pin on Luann is the guy from Turks and Caicos, who was married, but separated. And isn’t that ostensibly the same as Bethenny’s situation? I think Luann floundered in making that point. Or maybe Luann didn’t know what point she was trying to make?

Whatever Jules was trying to say, Bethenny is overjoyed to have a safety net. According to Bethenny, she and Dennis were merely having dinner together – completely platonic – when they were spotted by the paparazzi. Bethenny called the then-wife to let her know absolutely NOTHING was going on. Absolutely NOTHING. Were Bethenny and Dennis eating fish? Because that sounds fishy as hell! Really? Bethenny called, off-the-cuff, to assure the wife she wasn’t dating her husband? I’m with Luann – seems like an offensive move to deflect. I am side-eying you, Bethenny.

Bethenny calls Dennis Shields' daughter

To further prove her point, amid shocked horror, Bethenny CALLS Dennis‘ teenage daughter, who I presume is not privy to the private goings on of her father’s in and out? ( I hope!), to verify ON SPEAKER that Bethenny and Dennis didn’t have an affair. I’m sorry – that is so wrong. SO just NO! Even Andy was in tatters over that move. 

After the phone call, the wind was momentarily taken out of Luann’s sails – good thing she has a yacht. But she also has a Tom, who will sink her ship. Luann, don’t settle for a Tom. Don’t reach for a Rey. Aim higher! After all, once a Countess in title, always a Countess in spirit! 

Oh, and no, Luann still can’t spell Bethenny. Which is kind of ridiculously unintentional shade. 

TELL US – IS BETHENNY A HYPOCRITE? DO YOU APPROVE OF BETHENNY CALLING DENNIS’ DAUGHTER? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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