On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey, the saga of Teresa Giudice‘s never-wavering love for Joe continued. Unfortunately for Joe, he’s about to go away for a 41 month ‘staycation’ at the federal penitentiary and no home security cameras are gonna replace him once Teresa takes over.
While Joe binge drinks and verbally abuses his dog, daughters, and wife, Teresa gets ready for the official launch of Turning The Tables. A lot rests on this little book – a veritable ‘How Not To’ manual for aspiring Italian Housewives everywhere. A tale as aged as wine of a woman who vowed to stand by her man through orange is the new black, through bankruptcy and back, through thick and thickening girth, through humiliation and outbursts, through cheating and chutzpah…
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They say cheaters never prosper, but from this book, Teresa seeks not only financial security but also to impart lessons to her four beautiful “dawters,” and prove to herself that she can make it without Joe. (She can).
On the other side of Franklin Lakes, Jacqueline Laurita returns from the spa weekend momentarily sane and calm. But Ashlee is like the blackened burned edges on a potato chip as she warns Jacqueline that Teresa’s peace, love, and light was as faux as the marble in her kitchen. According to Ashlee, Jacqueline will never be satisfied with the love Teresa has to offer because Jacqueline is “deep” (consider the source!), while Teresa is shallow. Chris notices, however, that when Jacqueline and Teresa are getting along, Jacqueline is as a whole lot easier to deal with.
Melissa Gorga is the only woman on earth who juggles working and motherhood. Envy is the fuel that keeps her going – she wants to make her boutique a success and break through the misconceptions about Italian wives to prove to Poison and Antonia that Melissa is her own woman. Is this revenge from her book, like the quiet submission that she was a total idiot? Feminism has found Melissa about 40 years late, and about 14 sizes too small for the average woman. A valuable lesson Melissa is about to learn from a tan bomber jacket.
When an order arrives at Envy which Melissa didn’t place, she immediately calls her business partner Jackie, on vacation in the Bahamas, to rip Jackie a new one for actually, you know, running the business she partially owns.
Melissa chose Jackie as a partner because Jackie owns successful boutiques, yet Melissa doesn’t want any of Jackie’s input or advice as she demands Jackie run every ‘buy’ through Melissa and only purchase things Melissa would wear. Then she rips into Jackie for being on a beach vacation while Melissa is slaving away as her children’s youth flies by in her over-burdened absence. A girl can only do so many things while also frying a chicken cutlet!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Melissa needs to get a grip. And Jackie is just the girl to smack her upside the head with a faux designer clutch! Jackie points out the obvious A) she’s Melissa’s partner; B) Melissa needs to recognize that many of her customers won’t be young and a size 0; C) if her children have forgotten what she looks like it’s because Melissa’s had one too many nose jobs.
Dolores Catania is an emotional wreck after putting her dog Boo down. Siggy Flicker brings her flowers and compassion as they snuggle Dolores’ body pillow and reminisce about why Boo was so important. It’s a hard loss. RIP Boo.
At the Giudices, Joe is basically spending all day wasted and calling Teresa names while talking down to her. “I know he’s stressed out,” Teresa acknowledges. “Of course it hurts, but this isn’t Joe – it’s the alcohol tawking.”
Teresa escapes to Dolores‘ house where Siggy is sorting though Dolores bills and finances in total shock that Dolores is still COMPLETELY dependent on Frank to pay her bills and manage her money. Teresa arrived at the perfect moment to receive some valuable advice, but appallingly she’s actually there to GIVE advice about being financially independent. Is this Bravo’s version of a parallel universe?
Despite Teresa basically being like “Hello Do, this is Tre from the cellblock. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, cause I’m broker than a joke and Juicy lost every dime that I made and left me with nothing but a rap sheet to my name…” Dolores is totally in denial. Totally.
Teresa warns Dolores that she blindly let Joe manage all their money and 11 months in ‘camp’ later was her rude awakening. Dolores shrugs it off, blithely, as Siggy opens a credit card Dolores didn’t know she had, because Frank is no Juicy Joe of the Split Personality! And Frank’s biceps aren’t his only bulging muscle – apparently his brain is huge too! He’s a genius, a lawyer, and so much more! Dolores is well, ummmm, well she’s a bit misguided as is the prerequisite for RHONJ it seems. Also she’s 40-something and has been divorced for how many years, plus ostensibly co-owns a business she never shows up to? Oh girl… 
Chris decides to host a poker night for the guys and Rosie. Juicy is supposed to come, and Roise is overjoyed to reclaim her Joew without Tre so she can tell him how much she misses him and that she’ll always be there for him. Of course Joe doesn’t care about anyone but himself and is a no call/no show. Chris finally calls him, and Joe admits he’s wasted and can’t get out of bed. Rosie erupts into a rage about being blown off and storms out. Jacqueline tries to calm her down and reassure her that Joe is just having a hard time coping with prison. When Jacqueline is the voice of reason, all hell has broken loose leaving Juicy in charge!
After storming off, Rosie must have remembered she’d had a few or something, and returns, contrite. Everyone is bummed Juicy isn’t there, given that he’s the comic relief. So Poison calls Teresa to find out what’s up. Teresa basically admits that Joe is totally falling apart. It’s sad.
Teresa takes Gia to sushi for some mommy-daughter time. It’s pretty difficult to determine who’s the daughter and who’s the mommy considering Gia is hands down the most mature person in the Juicy Joe branch of the Giudice family. Gia informs a shocked Teresa, mouth agape with crumbles of half-chewed rice falling out, that it’s time for Juicy to hit the slammer because he’s making their lives a living hell, needs to sober up, and hopefully will recognize the value in what he has.
In confessionals, Teresa finally breaks, tearing up slightly at how unstable her life has become. “I’m surprised I’m still standing,” she mumbles.
Melissa returned from the ‘away’ of her own making – Envy – to help Antonia get ready for the father-daughter dance. Melissa curls Antonia’s hair while asking questions about what Antonia wants to do when she grows up. Antonia wants to be a professional cheerleader. Melissa is shocked because she expected her daughter to have realistic goals like being a 30-year-old pop singer who can’t sing, or a Real Housewife. “You know mommy went to school to be a teacher,” Melissa reminds Antonia hopefully, but Antonia doesn’t believe her.
Melissa sighs that it’s her responsibility to the youth of America – for all the girls in need of guidance – that there is more to life than being a traditional Italian wife and mother! One does not have to look like a Ms. Jersey Shore contestant, while cooking clams casino for her cigar-smoking belligerent husband while he guzzles wine. A girl can be anything she wants – including an “icon”. Just ask Melissa’s sweatshirt! From the mouth of babes…
Before her book launch, Teresa ships her girls off to bed, then straps on a lace-up dress, and corrals Juicy into the white stretch limo, a throwback car that perfectly coincides with Teresa’s dated ideals, to pick up the Poison Gorgas. In another white stretch limo are Siggy, Dolores, Jacqueline, and Chris.
Driving to the party, Juicy announces that he invited his friend Chris C, who is bringing his 12-year-old son. Teresa reminds him there’s like this law which says no underage people in a bar. “Law?! What’s that?! Whose law?!” demands Joe. Some valuable questions the person headed to prison may want to evaluate…
Furthermore, since birds of a feather and yada, yada, yada, Chris C is also a felon. Also, per her parole, Teresa isn’t allowed to consort with other felons, so her attorney decides Chris C cannot attend. Teresa DID tell Juicy he could invite whomever he wanted, she shouldn’t have expected him to also use common sense!
Poor Teresa – this party isn’t supposed to be about Joe and his falling down drunkitude. It’s supposed to be about whether or not Turning The Tables made the bestseller list, proving that, once-again, Teresa is a viable investment for companies. Unfortunately, while Teresa is mingling with the hoity-toity, like The Dunkin D.D. Twins, Juicy is on the corner arguing with the riff-raff whom security won’t let though the door. Who’s gonna stop you Chris C? Not the government! Not the Mob! Not the police! But Bravo – that’s who. Also, nice Italian horn necklace, Juicy.
Inside, Teresa and her editor frantically call for Juicy over the microphone as they wait to announce the book ranking. Teresa declares the book the love story between her and Juicy, as Dolores shakes her head that Teresa is so old-school she’ll never leave Juicy (pot meet kettle!) even though she’s the No. 2 Times bestseller and Juicy is wasting her hard-earned money on whiskey and women.
Proving that she’s as Italian as the Pope, Teresa’s book outranks the Pope’s on the best seller list. Poison is impressed! Juicy, well, he’s probably passed out somewhere confessing his sins to Teresa’s book, and asking how many Our Father’s he has to say to be forgiven. A: Infinity much.
Teresa vows she’ll never leave her Juicy. There is no Tre without Joew. They are as tightly tied as the laces on her dress. But something is making me think that maybe, just maybe, the threads are starting to fray. Just me?
TELL US – WILL TERESA EVER LEAVE JUICY? DID YOU READ HER BOOK? DOES DOLORES NEED A WAKE-UP CALL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
