Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Your Ass Is Out

To Vermont we go! To Vermont we go… You can take the girls out of Jersey but you can’t take the Real Housewives Of New Jersey out of the girls! Even if you put them in big giant snow boots and plain old terry cloth bathrobes. Last night also signified the return of Kim D (for Desperate!), which in my book is always a good thing! Run on with the big boys, Kim, run on!

Melissa Gorga has lofty ideas to turn the trip to Vermont into one last relaxing weekend for Teresa Giudice before Joe goes to prison and Teresa becomes a single mom. Melissa even invited Teresa’s close friends Robyn and Christina. Unfortunately, Teresa’s girls weekend is beset by problems from the get-go. Two of those problems are named Kathy Wakile and Rosie Pieri.


Melissa packs for Vermont

The episode opens with Teresa leaving their meeting and bursting into tears over the emotional stress of the situation, but then she realizes: ding-dong the witches are figuratively dead! As in Kathy and Rosie are dead to her.

Jacqueline Laurita, who cannot keep her hand out of the cookie bag (or popcorn bag) that is Teresa’s family problems, invites Siggy Flicker and Dolores Catania over so they can call Rosie and Kathy on speaker for the lowdown on their lunch with Teresa. A) is this JR high?; B) doesn’t Kathy live fairly close – she can’t come over to talk about this?; C) what the hell?! Why is Jacqueline so emotionally invested? Did we really need a convention to dissect this mess?

Kathy and Rosie came away from the meeting feeling like, for right now, Teresa needs space, but that in the future they’ll patch things up. Maybe we do need a convention of the communication breakdown, but I hardly think Jacqueline should be appointed the person to lead it!

Then, Jacqueline and Siggy hit up the new Posche boutique for a little check in with Kim D. Aaaaahhhh… Kim D, don’t you ever change your tacky, polyester stirring ways! After briefly perusing the clothes, Kim D questions the newfound peace between Teresa and Melissa. She finds it suspect. Deep in the black lump of coal that is her heart, forgiveness is not possible and she doesn’t believe they’ll ever really like each other – a point fueled by the fact that the manager of Melissa’s store, Derek, once sold stories to the tabloids about Teresa. Including a video that showed Teresa accepting cash for books during book signing at a former Posche Fashion Show. Apparently Teresa got in trouble (or could have?) with the FEDS because they believed she was trying to withhold income?

The notion that she has drama to pack in her suitcase for Vermont has Jacqueline clapping with glee while bouncing up and down. Siggy, bless her sweet heart, thought they were actually at Posche to shop and is confused. Has she never met Kim D or Jacqueline before?

While packing for Vermont, Poison brags about what an amazing skier he is. Talk about crash and burn foreshadowing.

Jacqueline argues

The next day, the bus to Vermont arrives, ready to transport the circus to their next location. Maybe all the bickering was to generate heat in preparation for the freezing temperatures of Topnotch Resort, or whatever that place was called? Mo’Better Accommodations maybe? Anyway, you can wear bathrobes to dinner over your turtleneck, so it’s gotta be classy, right!?

Melissa defends Teresa

Before arriving at Best Quality Resort, the ladies, plus Chris and Poison, had to endure an 8 hour bus ride, which started off with Jacqueline shrieking about how unclear Teresa’s message to Rosie and Kathy was. Melissa argues that Jacqueline needs to stay out of it, because Teresa knows what she said and can make her own decisions. Then Robyn chimes in to call Rosie full of crap because she only pretends to care about Teresa. At least the bus ride allowed Poison to clear up his gender confusion – he is henceforth NOT a woman, but a M-A-N.

Jacqueline has red flags about this Robyn, who she classifies as another ‘Kim D,’ who is only around to play Teresa’s soldier. Isn’t Jacqueline the one who’s friends with Kim?!

Teresa wants peace

Teresa is annoyed – she wants “PEACE! PEEEEACE! IS THAT CLEAR?!” Jacqueline doesn’t think it was clear since Kathy and Rosie believe they have a standing invitation to come to Teresa’s house. That is NOT what Kathy and Rosie told Jacqs, BTW. Even Poison is able to differentiate and I’m pretty sure his brain cells have been fried from TBI’s after fighting with Juicy, and long-term exposure from shoe polish on his scalp and listening to Teresa shriek.

The best part of this bus ride was learning that way back when when Dina ruled the earth, Chris and Teresa went on a date. Except all Teresa did was talk about Juicy. Boy, does Chris Laurita love those crazies!

By the time they arrive in Vermont, at Best Service Bed & Breakfast, everyone needs a drink and some ear phones. Teresa is sharing a cabin with Robyn and Christina; Jacqueline is with Chris, Siggy, and Dolores, and lucky Melissa is trapped by herself with Poison. She probably locked him in the garage at night to brush her hair 100 times and practice smiling coyly in the mirror.

Everyone puts on their robes, over their PJs, to meet for dinner. Things seem to be going OK, until s’mores around the outdoor fire pit.

Jacqueline mentions to Teresa and Melissa what Kim D told her about Derek. In some revisionist history, which Real Housewives Of New Jersey is famous for, Teresa and Melissa have now decided Kim D is solely to blame for outing accusing Melissa of being a stripper. Now, years later, Teresa was a mere innocent victim in the crusade to take down Melissa. Oh Bravo … you slay me!

Melissa defends herself against Kim D's accusations

Jacqueline makes a point to ask Teresa if she likes Kim D, and Teresa pretends she hasn’t seen the woman since that fateful day Angelo accosted her pre-posche fashion show to let Teresa know about Melissa’s little secret! Melissa defends Derek ardently, saying that he no longer does his little internet TV show and she trusts him completely. Teresa lets it slide, simply asking Melissa to look into matter. Uhhhh… who is this woman? I mean, her hair looks like actual hair, she’s able to remain composed in acrimonious situations, and her voice pitch is largely normal. I wouldn’t believe it was really Teresa if she wasn’t wearing leopard print snow pants.

Robyn and Jacqueline argue

After that, Teresa and Melissa decide they’ve had enough with cold shoulders and head inside, but Jacqueline remains outside to roast marshmallows Robyn. I honestly don’t know how these two started – Robyn doesn’t trust Jacqueline’s motives anymore than Jacqueline trusts hers. Robyn says Jacqueline is confusing and Jacqueline argues that she thinks Robyn is nothing more than Teresa’s soldier. Robyn tries to call Teresa to the scene to verify they’re, like, real friends, and then Robyn starts screaming that as a soldier she’ll rage on Jacqueline’s ass. Jacqueline bellows “DO ITTTTTTTTTT!” in a pitch that is only audible to dogs, and then plops down on Robyn’s lap. “I’m giving you my ass!” she shrieks to a confused Robyn.


Um… if you were gonna get into a fight wouldn’t you try not to do so over a campfire? Seems like a good way to get burned – literally.

Jacqueline sits on Robyn

Chris and Poison are headed out to check on the ladies and when they hear the screaming turn right around. “Patterson’s out there…” Chris says, meaning Dolores, and decides she can handle Jacqueline. Lovely.

Robyn and Jacqueline bring their arguing into the lobby where they have to be physically restrained because Robyn is threatening to punch Jacqueline in the face, and Jacqueline keeps urging her to do it. Probably because then Jacq could get more plastic surgery but bill it through insurance as reconstructive!

The drama continues inside

When the ladies are finally separated, Jacqueline screams to Teresa that she needs to “Take out the trash!” – meaning Robyn. Even Teresa can’t stop herself from laughing as she hugs a flailing Jacqueline goodnight.

The next morning the group is going dog sledding, then skiing, but Jacqueline won’t leave her room. Siggy and Dolores are upset, and blame Robyn. Teresa and Melissa shrug that it’s typical Jacqueline, who runs and hides when she finds herself in the middle of heated drama, and cries the victim card. They go on with drinking their coffee and eating their eggs.

Siggy keeps trying to call Jacqueline because she’s worried after last night’s intense drama. But Jacqueline and Chris have turned the argument into foreplay. Jacqueline rubs her butt on Chris to demonstrate how she gave Robyn her ass, and then she literally gives her ass to Chris. Gross.

dog sledding!

At least the dog sledding was awesome!

After sledding, Siggy shares that she finally got a text from Jacqueline who is alive and OK! Rejoicing all around! Jacqueline needed to be sedated some quiet time, so she and Chris made love, then had breakfast, and now she’s fine. Well, as fine as she can be. Melissa and Teresa are nonplussed by the update and decide to go skiing. Dolores and Siggy feel they must find Jacs to confirm she’s not imploding, or something.

While shuffling through the snow, Teresa confesses to Melissa that she’s confused about what is going on – she thought things were going well-ish with Jacqueline, but now she feels like she doesn’t know her anymore. Melissa doesn’t think Jacqueline trusts her and views her as a threat now that she and Teresa have made peace.

Teresa and Melissa talk Jacqueline

Basically, Jacqueline is insecure about her friendship with Teresa, and is projecting onto Melissa. Jacqueline is so insecure she’s decided, childishly, that Teresa has chosen Robyn over her, so she’s leaving Vermont early, to let Teresa have fun with her ‘real friends’. Jacqueline knows when she’s not wanted (HA – just kidding!).

Siggy and Dolores are distraught to learn Jacqueline is leaving and decide they must stop this because evil Robyn is destroying this tight-knit group of best friends who fight and love equally hard but would never hurt each other. Exactly where are these women Siggy and Dolores are raving about?!

Dolores feels Robyn is a threat to Teresa’s parole, because she tried to get violent with Jacqueline, and drag Teresa into the middle of the arguing. Jacqueline and Siggy agree this is a serious matter and Teresa must be warned of the so-called dangerous consequences of associating with Robyn.

Dolores plans to tell Teresa that Robyn needs to leave, not Jacqueline. Apparently, Jacqueline is a loyal and true friend, but Robyn is not to be trusted! Meanwhile, Teresa blames Jacqueline, because she’s never seen Robyn act like that before, plus she knows Jacqueline has a tendency by hurtful and mean.

Jacqueline says goodbye to Vermont

Jacqueline is all too willing to play the persecuted victim, whining that Teresa doesn’t love her and allowing her ‘soldiers’ Siggy and Dolores to do her dirty work and grovel for her. Interesting, interesting…

Was it just me or did Robyn and Jacqueline’s issues not seem that dramatic? Maybe I’m just desensitized, but it seemed basically like arguing and drunken stupidity – or maybe a sugar high from s’mores, but it certainly didn’t seem so deleterious as to make Jacqueline concerned for her safety (I mean her mental stability is always a mess, so … ) or that Teresa’s parole could be in jeopardy. I think old TreHulk can fend for herself in matters of Wacqueline. Or Robyn.

Poison skis

At least we got to see Poison fall on his ass and get stuck in the woods while showing off his amazing skiing skills!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]