Real Housewives Of Atlanta Season 9 Premiere Recap: Moore Shat-Show!

Only on Bravo would an unfinished mcmansion-off be an important event. And with that subject in mind returns Real housewives Of Atlanta. We have waited for months – and in one case YEARS – to spy the unfinished results of Moore Manor and Chateau Sheree, and finally our prayers have been answered. I was not disappointed.

AlsoSheree Whitfield – do not ever leave me again! She is my all-time favorite Housewife and it feels wonderful to finally come clean about this. LONG LIVE She By SheShade! Sheree was in top-notch form for her anointed return, deftly deflecting Kenya Moore‘s homesteading hostilities with a dismissive side-eye and at one point, a sip of what I do believe was a twenty-two through a straw. You can build a liberry in the ChateauNoNo, but you can’t take the bubbling shade out of our Sheree!

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First, however, we catch up with Kandi Burruss. Kandi is an over-achiever in parenthood like she is in every other aspect of her life so she’s potty-training 5-month-old Ace. This is called “elimination communication,” and Kandi doesn’t think there’s anything weird about it.

Kandi and Todd potty train Ace

Kandi instead thinks it’s weird that Todd only carries 30% of the parenting load – which is probably because he knows it’s a 70% waste of time to bother potty training an infant. I was also intrigued by Kandi’s I Dream Of Jeanie ponytail in the interview. Speaking of, Jeanie rhymes with NeNe, but I don’t think anyone was dreaming of her last night.

Kandi marvels that when she started RHOA, she was the only single one, but now she’s the only married one! Then she dressed Ace for church. Was she wearing a sheer skirt with visible panties? Does Kandi share a pastor with Phaedra Parks?

I shouldn’t rag on Kandi – at least her house has finished bathrooms. Unlike Moore Manor, which is going for the shabby chic look. Kenya is living there, even though it’s a work in progress. A lot of work. It’s been months and months, and there’s nary a driveway in sight. Also missing is Matt, Kenya’s man. During a fight in Mexico he stomped her sunglasses and kicked in the door. Not good. We reported on it – as I’m sure you noticed during the episode when they interrupted to flash the Reality Tea story on the incident. We may have lost to TMZ for the Reality TV Awards this year, but this RHOA shout-out makes our whole year.

Kenya still misses Matt, but all the unfinished business isn’t stopping her from throwing a housewarming party for the house that is, um, well, still getting warmed up! Kenya describes it as a “soft opening.”

Sheree moves at a slower pace. Chateau Sheree looks gorgeous, but empty. Also landscaping? Except for the double-wide in the backyard, I didn’t see anything but dirt and the ability to peek in her neighbor’s windows (since the houses are practically on top of each other!). Moore Manor, on the other hand, is down in the gully of shadowy depths, where you can look at yourself in the reflecting pool of stagnant sewage and realize you’ve twirled yourself into a mess. Still Sheree’s five-year trek to Chateau NoPay is almost over, and to celebrate she’s hired a prestigious decorator.

Chateau Sheree

One week before her party, Kenya is riding around the property on a backhoe, probably imagining Porsha Williams face. Things are so chaotic, she asks her contractor, “What would Jesus do?” I suppose since Jesus was a carpenter, it’s appropriate Kenya seek his advice – but I think we already know the answer to what Jesus would do: he would fix it! Also the better question is “WWSD (What would Sheree do)?” She would go shopping, of course. Cause budget – what’s that?

Also Sheree wouldn’t throw a house warming party until her house was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Since we all know how much Sheree values customer service, she would even hire a butler whose sole job was to turn NeNe away at the door pick her guests’ jaws up off the floor.

But enough about those two for a moment. Let’s shift our focus to Phaedra and Porsha. The Prince and Mr. President do not consort with such plebeian civilians as a nanny. Oh no! Their butts are wiped and their chicken nuggets served by a governess. Overseen by Lady Phaedra, who is dressed in a doily so tight it’s squeezing the donkey out of her booty.

Meanwhile Porsha is too blessed to be stressed, and too dense to be pressed. She calls on Phaedra for a lil Arnold Palmer – (aka tea mixed with lemonade) and brings Ayden and Dylan toy swords, which I didn’t think was the best gift choice for the Wolverine of RHOA who is currently undergoing anger management therapy.

Phaedra celebrates almost being divorced

Phaedra’s divorce is almost final and it has been a trial with Apollo fighting the process. Now that she’s practically single, Phaedra is praying to the god of orgasms to resuscitate her from the dead and deliver her a man who is not evil. What do you get when you combine a prayer cloth with voodoo? A: Phaedra in the club doing a man-catching dance, with Porsha as her +1.

And on that subject, as they are enjoying low-carb guacamole, a messenger in a horse drawn carriage arrives. No, it is not Apollo delivering the signed divorce papers, it’s Kenya’s way of inviting Phaedra to her housewarming party.

The invitation instructs guests to make sure their +1 is “hot and not a THOT.” Naturally this makes Phaedra think of Porsha.

I would like to point out that Sheree was the first to have a horse drawn carriage parade through the magical, mystery accomplishments tour. First stop: She By Sheree fashion show! Sheree had a fashion show with no clothes, so it’s only appropriate that Kenya one-up her with a housewarming party for an undone house. Although Kenya already threw a haircare launch with no hair care products. Well, kinda – water is 50% of washing one’s hair!

Lucky Cynthia Bailey is finally divorcing Peter. Cynthia decided she was DONE with this mess of a marriage. She visits her divorce attorney – who blessedly is not the one used by every other person on this show because I was starting to get concerned that Atlanta only has two attorneys: Phaedra Parks and that guy NeNe, Porsha, and Apollo hired.

Cynthia visits a divorce attorney

Divorce agrees with Cynthia. In her interview she rocks Diana Ross hair and a bright blue dress to wax poetic about why she’s disentangling herself from Peter’s drama. I was less impressed with the head-to-toe ripped denim disaster she wore to meet her attorney. Since the only thing Cynthia wants in the split is the house, maybe she was trying to plead her case by looking homeless? The attorney advises Cynthia to speak with Peter about a dissolution of assets and find their prenup.

Ergo a problem – Cynthia can’t find the prenup. Hopefully she didn’t burn it like she did that friend contract! In desperation she FaceTimes Peter, the first time they’ve seen each other in 3 months. Like Peter’s gonna tell her where the prenup is hidden!!!! After Cynthia dumped him, Peter finally started focusing on his business and is now dating SportsOne.

Peter snarks that Cynthia should ask her mom where the prenup is. Cynthia’s dreams of a peaceful, respectful divorce are turning into as big a nightmare as her marriage. If only she’d listened to her mama…

In preparation for being Phaedra’s +1 to Moore Manor’s homecoming, Porsha undergoes a little anger management nip-tuck for advice on how to “walk away whether I agree or disagree.”

Porsha believes her anger issues stem from the bullying she suffered in middle and high school. She was called “rabbit,” and “beaver” and the constant bullying made her so depressed she even considered suicide! RHOA brings her right back to that place … Porsha’s therapist has some helpful suggestions though, A) have some impulse control; B) wear clothes that don’t squeeze your body so tightly it cuts off circulation to your brain; C) “Think about your legacy; think about your job – because now these things are bigger than yourself.”

Porsha in Anger Management

Sage advice for any Housewife! The more you practice peace, the more you become peaceful – and the less you behave like a Housewife! Porsha feels like a new woman – instead of the old child who couldn’t keep her hands to herself – and admits that she’s responsible for how she reacts.

Back at Chateau Sheree, Tierra gets a tour of the home she’s not invited to live in. She’s quarantined to Townhouse Tierra, and assisting mama through shading phone calls from Krayonce. Kenya doesn’t bother with a horse-drawn carriage for She By SheBroke – cause Sheree doesn’t have a permanent address! Instead Kenya calls to invite Sheree to her housewarming party but warns, “Mind your manners at the manor!

“I don’t know what that means,” Sheree demurs, hanging up on Kenya mid-sentence.

Kenya is too busy twirling around like a chicken with its head tangled up in a maxi dress trying to get her house done-enough before her “soft opening”

The driveway gets poured THE DAY BEFORE the party! Kenya is yanking saran wrap off the furniture as the guests are sitting down and serving digestive care dogfood from a can as h’orderves instead of the usual shade and whoop-ass. Why not wait until her house has a working toilet before inviting people over?!

Cynthia arrives early to offer her help, but upon seeing the fiasco laid before her, she just wonders if she should put her jumpsuit on behind the plastic construction sheeting barricading the master bedroom.

Clearly this party’s theme is “unfinished” and that extends to Kenya’s shirt! Or maybe she was wearing She By Sheree – fantasy clothes for women living in a fantasy world? I know Kenya is spending all her money on self-cleaning toilets, but that doesn’t mean she should to buy her clothes from the clearance rack at GapKids! She’s declaring that no declasse THOTS are allowed to attend her soirée, while her own boobs are one heaving shady comment away from a nipslip!

Moments before guests show-up Kenya gets a special delivery of balloons from Matt. Ironic considering what’s going on in Kenya’s “shirt.” Cause nothing says maturity like balloons that say “I love you!” Kenya dabs her eyes about missing Matt and what could have been as her guests begin to hike the loooong driveway, laid with a red carpet, which winds through the unfinished landscape and barricades, down into the bog that is Moore Manor.

Maybe Kenya was hoping her exploding boobs would distract from her unfinished house?

The red carpet is laid over dirt, and guests have to walk past construction debris stacked near the door, and around plastic sheeting, random tools, and through drywall dust. Sheree wonders why hardhats weren’t given out as party favors! She had to bring flat shoes to navigate the driveway.

Inside, Sheree is greeted by a the post-divorce glow of Cynthia, who is supportive of Sheree’s journey to get there. Literally and figuratively. Kenya not so much. She decided her housewarming doubled as a roasting of Sheree, and starts harassing her about Chateau Sheree.

Moore Manor Housewarming Party

Kenya didn’t invite Porsha, because of safety concerns – and has no clue about Phaedra’s shady +1!. Phaedra took the instructions to “bring someone hot” literally by bringing her favorite hot-tempted friend. Porsha may be wearing red, but she promises not to see it!

The tour Kenya gives of the house only illuminated it’s Calamity-ville Horror-ness, featuring animals trapped in cages, billowing dust balls, leaking pipes, and moore messiness around every corner. The whole scene gives Sheree the vapors.

Also, Kenya had her two dogs crammed into a travel carrier meant for one! Someone needs to call animal control. And Merry Maid. A little suggestion, Kenya, quit having premieres for unfinished products: Moore Haircare, Life Twirls On, and now UnMoored Manor!

Luckily Sheree was revived by the sighting of Porsha strolling through the door, waving at guests as if she were an invited one herself. Bursting with a cackle that sounded like an owl having an orgasm, Sheree could barely contain her glee.  “Ooooh-ho-ho-hooo!” is right! And to be continued… next week!

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE PREMIERE? SHOULD KENYA HAVE POSTPONED HER PARTY? ARE YOU GLAD SHEREE IS BACK?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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