After Phaedra Parks‘ office received a so-called bomb threat, she called in 10,000 Strong (The Nation Of Islam) for a little lesson in self defense without showing your slip. Everybody knows… actions speak louder than words, and your words should be killing them with kindness like a bee trapped in honey! Everybody also knows it’s better to be safe than sorry!
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I imagine Phaedra having holy water in a mace container and refashioning her prayer cloths and thong bikinis to strangle a would-be assassin, then marketing the whole enterprise as The Bomb Box with accompanying Self-Defend Your Phine Booty workout DVD. Because everybody knows that any man who tries to get in your holy water deserves a Phuneral By Phaedra (coffins for your sanity sold separately).
In all seriousness though, I need to discuss my obsession with Phaedra‘s brother! OMG – first of all I am in love with his old-fashioned beard and mustache. I must have more of him on RHOA and much less of Mama Joyce, who is more of a threat to Phaedra than poor Drama, who was only attempting to drop off a “bomb CD”, but suffering from mental health issues, he ended up in the wrong office where staff and authorities over-reacted.
Phaedra has been in contact with Homeland Security, as well as the Nation Of Islam, and vouches that Drama is good friend going through some stuff after being released from prison. Phaedra believes racial profiling played a role in the police being called, Drama being a black man in a white law office. I really can’t say, but I do definitely, absolutely, 100% agree with Phaedra taking the necessary precautions of both increased security for the time being and adding sensitivity training to managing any future high stress situations.
Slightly less stressful (shockingly) was Phaedra‘s visit with Apollo. They both agreed at the time that their primary focus is co-parenting successfully. Phaedra hopes that Apollo will finally sign those divorce documents so Jesus can bless her holy waters with a new man.
Poor Cynthia Bailey is all sad that her divorce isn’t the shiny, happy, fantasy made of bubbles, unicorns, and princes on white horses whisking her away to million-dollar lake homes. Keep watching The Notebook, girl! Instead Peter went on Wendy Williams to complain Cynthia “blindsided” him by filing for divorce.
Cynthia’s lawyer has finally been in touch with Peter and is confident things will be wrapped up fairly quickly. And a bonus: They’ll even get a Divorce Contract! Which is like a friendship contract, only it says Peter vows to always love Cynthia as a BFF, but like never, ever, ever try to get into her finances again. They’re tied shut with a bow.
I’m sure Cynthia’s mom and sister will be framing that divorce decree and hanging it over the mantle!
Speaking of divorce, what is up with this divorce attorney Mama Joyce paid a freebie to? It’s the same guy like 89 other cast members have used. I assume Bravo is keeping him on retainer? Even sleazier, if I recall this is Apollo‘s attorney, yet Mama Joyce is there to hypothetically pry into his divorce from Phaedra.
I suppose the question I should be asking is: What the f–k is up with Mama Joyce?! But we already know she’s a snake in a viper pit and operates as Kandi Burruss‘ own personal Dementor, going around trying to suck the magic out of Phaedra’s life. Mama Joyce thinks the internet makes her qualified to interpret Georgia law, and because she read Georgia will grant a divorce in 2 months if one of the parties is in prison, has decided Phaedra is absolutely lying about her divorce and is hiding something. So what if she is?
Wearing full disguise – as if a head scarf could hide that crocodile grin – Mama Joyce slithers into to Mr. Kessler’s office to posit some “hypothetical” questions about a “friend” and the man in prison she wants to divorce.
Was it me or did that attorney basically tell MJ she was wrong, but Mama Joyce’s Street U degree didn’t include a course on logic and reasoning. Or walking away with dignity. Other kinds of walking, yes, but not the that kind. After misinterpreting the information, MJ sat there grinning like the cat who got the canary while singing that she knows Phaedra is lying.
MJ should go back to focusing on how Todd is abusing Kandi’s money. The Old Lady Gang restaurant is hideously behind schedule because of the contractor Todd hired
on recommendation from Peter, and now the liquor license application is about to expire before they can qualify for building inspection.
Kandi is fit to be tied, so she focuses on the food and arranges a tasting to preview the menu. I think she should have pulled a Kenya Moore and hosted the entire thing in the middle of the construction zone of a restaurant. So what if sawdust is toxic!
Instead, Kandi held the menu preview at a culinary school. All the ladies were ready to chow down on the southern classics. Except for Mama Joyce who plans to eat Phaedra as the main course. She’s so singularly focused, she doesn’t even react much when Sheree Whitfield reveals that Kenya mocked her hair. “You don’t want to come for me Ken-YAAAA,” rasps Mama Joyce, waving her witches finger. “No I don’t,” Kenya demurred.
Someone needs to slip some tranquilizer in Mama Joyce‘s Better Than Sex cake, either that, or she needs to get some sex cause the cake ain’t working. She is as crusty as this morning’s scrambled egg pan and just as annoying to deal with.
When Phaedra walks through the door – last – MJ pounces on her, pulling her aside for a heart-to-heart about the state of her marriage. She barely gets the words out before Kandi intervenes and begs Joyce, not here, not now. Mama Joyce is intent to squash Phaedra like a butter bean and drown her in slimy juices, because then she tries to say Drama told the press he was tired of Phaedra avoiding him and he wanted to bomb her ass. Phaedra shuts that down with the words “HOMELAND SECURITY.” Which needs to add MJ to its domestic terrorist watch list. Either that or Phaedra needs to get a restraining order.
Unfortunately, when Phaedra likens Drama‘s arrest to racial profiling, Kandi accuses Phaedra of being a liar because she hired a bodyguard after the threat, which proves she doesn’t believe Black Lives Matter. Um, well, clearly Phaedra needs SECURITY! since Mama Joyce is stalking her! Everybody knows… when dealing with mamas on moscato, one can never be too careful (Should Pastor Regina Belle pray for MJ’s soul? Or lost cause?).
Almost as Mama Joyceian bad about starting shady gossip over Red Solo Cups of sweet tea is Sheree. She decides everyone’s appetite hadn’t been ruined sufficiently, so OVER DESSERT (the injustice!), she mentions Block dating Porsha Williams way back when. Porsha isn’t exactly sure how long ago it was, but since there are 45 days in three weeks, it was probably like eons ago. She thinks…
Thankfully, Kandi and Porsha both artfully dodge the shade by focusing on the Bananas Foster. And thank Fod that food was so good because the rest of that lunch was bananas. Rotten Bananas.
Well on the bright side, Porsha is moving. In three weeks (or 45 days), she’s buying a bigger house for her future as Mrs. Porsha Stewart II. That’s right – Porsha and Almost-Sperm-Donor-Todd are officially dating and his last name also happens to be Stewart! Isn’t that like a bad omen? A jinx? Or maybe it’s better for Porsha who tends to get confused easily.
Right before Porsha tied the knot with Kordell, Todd emailed her to say she was marrying the wrong Stewart. Which is creepy, but apparently he’s touched with a sixth sense, or was consulting his Magic Hate Ball, because he turned out to be eerily accurate.
Porsha’s mom, whose brain is obscured by the massive cotton candy swath of Donald Trump comb over she calls hair, thinks Todd is soooo sweet, but Lauren, Porsha’s sister who got all the brains in that family, is creeped out. Imagine being the voice of reason in that family! Poor Lauren!
Well, Porsha‘s relationship is less screwed up than Kenya‘s, so there’s that! Oooooh boy does Kenya have some issues with Matt. First of all, I’m sick of her weird dogs. I hate their names and that they’re always around with her cooing over them annoys me.
I’m also sick of Matt and I’m not even
pretend dating him. After Kenya begged him to fly back to ATL from LA so they could figure out their relationship in person, he showed up at 2 AM, drunk. Then he huffed, and he puffed, and he kicked the garage window in.
Now Matt’s behavior is reprehensible, but I’m not so impressed with that window, or the security at Moore Manor either! I mean, Kenya is living down there in a ditch about 1,000 miles from civilization and the Una-bomber and whatever was haunting the Blair Woods are probably her nearest neighbors, yet she’s got garage windows that break like stunt glass? Girl… call Phaedra and her 10,000 Strong!
Instead, Kenya calls Cynthia, who is all you need to get away from Matt now! After Matt broke a window, Kenya broke the fourth wall and started bawling to the producer about how much she loves Matt but as a mere “regular guy” he’s too immature to handle the fabulous twirl of success that spirals around Kenya in an orbit of fabulosity. Kenya also admits to treating Matt really badly (how?!) in the beginning of their relationship and that’s why he doesn’t trust her (what happened?!).
After a crying bout, Kenya calls Matt from her cracked iPhone screen (did he kick that in too?) and begs him to come back over to talk. She tells him the RHOA crew is about to leave, but when he shows up and realizes he’s being filmed, he won’t get out of the car. Kenya starts screaming and bawling in the driveway about the dysfunctional state of their relationship, but she still wants to try and make it work if he’ll let her. (?!)
Matt, in turn, accuses Kenya of verbally abusing and manipulating him, and constantly poking at him disrespectfully and then blaming him when he finally blows up. She implies he was physically abusive and that she could have called the cops numerous times, but was protecting him.
Matt finally comes to the realization that this relationship is toxic and he drives away. Well, actually he fled, squealing through the ditch surrounding Kenya‘s manor. She has enough raw sewage in her life that she should fill in that moat for security. Or at the very least she doesn’t need more sewage in the form of Matt.
TELL US – SHOULD KENYA GIVE MATT ANOTHER CHANCE? DOES PHAEDRA NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST MAMA JOYCE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]