Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: All The Feels

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, no one was feeling the love – well, except for Porsha Williams! She got all the love everyone else lost. Does that make up for Kordell locking her out of the house, then throwing away the key?

To prepare for the reality that she finally found a boyfriend who actually wants to be with her, and sensing the possibility that she could really, truly have kids some day, Porsha dresses up in all her fancy clothes to babysit Phaedra Parks‘ sons. After the stress of the bomb threat, Phaedra deserves a night out. Personally, letting Porsha babysit sounds like the blind leading the blind. Ayden and Dylan are actually way smarter than Porsha and ran amok over her.


When Phaedra gets home, she finds Porsha collapsed on the sofa, muttering to herself, reliving the nightmare. Naturally, she offers to babysit weekly to practice, and so Phaedra can have a date night. First though, they both need men.

Kandi receives invitation from Phaedra

OK, can we discuss Kandi Burruss‘ issues with Phaedra? I don’t get it? Just me? Why does Kandi have this vendetta (angst?) against Phaedra seemingly based on nothing? So, Phaedra made a few snarky comments about Kandi bankrolling Todd (nothing Kandi’s mama hasn’t said worse about!), and now Kandi is gunning for Phaedra like it was Phaedra who was hiding Kandi’s incarcerated husband’s illegal assets in her garage. Instead of the other way around! As Phaedra says – she’s the one who should be upset. Amen – now spritz it with some holy water and move on!

After Mama Joyce made all kinds of accusations about Phaedra during the OLG food tasting Phaedra decides to set-up a dinner to explain to Kandi why she’s offended. Kandi accepts Phaedra’s invitation, then sits in her office – which contains all the reject furniture from the set of Willy Wonka, plus her shady, obnoxious staff  – to cackle over the bomb threat. Kandi heard on the streets that Phaedra hired a bodyguard even though she’s telling everyone Drama was trying to give her a “bomb” CD and she’s not scared. Kandi says this proves Phaedra is lying and lies about everything else.

RELATED – Drama Released After Alleged Bomb Threat

The one positive is that I love Kandi’s new interview look! See how she radiates and shines when she’s saying horrible things about her former BFF! It’s that Mama Joyce glow…

Well, the police investigated and found that Drama was not, in fact, threatening to blow Phaedra up – but we all know Kandi, like her mama, thinks street meat is the right meat! Second of all, who cares! Better safe than sorry, right? Maybe Phaedra didn’t want to admit she was scared for various reasons? Or not knowing the complete facts yet decided to err on the side of caution? In Phaedra’s office, Drama’s mother visits and cries over how cruel people are being in regards to her son’s situation. It’s sad that this man seems to be experiencing mental health issues and people like Kandi are mocking him and laughing.

Kandi and Phaedra’s mess is only marginally more filthy than the one Kenya Moore has found herself in. She’s still trying to ‘make things work’ with Matt. Why, you ask? Because Krayonce thrives off chaos, drama, and creating ridiculous situations for herself which she can conveniently blame on others.

Kenya's dad tries to help her and Matt

This time, her father Ronald has flown in from Detroit to play the vacuum cleaner to Kenya’s broken heart. Ronald plans to lecture Matt about his misbehavior, which makes sense since he’s practically a child. Something is fishy about this situation  … and I don’t mean whatever Kenya cooks up for dinner! Can we get a How To Get Away With Murder spinoff starring both Phaedra and Kenya?

RELATED – Kenya Talks Finding Closure With Her Dad

Kenya arranges for Matt and Ronald to meet at a cigar shop. To prepare, her dad dresses the part as the stern, wise father about to put the smack down (and OMG I LOVE IT!). Matt is like 45 minutes late. Kenya whines at Ronald to call him, and Matt is brusque on the phone. He finally shows up and is so not feeling the love for Miss Who-S-A!

Interesting – Ronald went from not knowing Kenya in a line-up, to being her relationship mentor and the new Dr. Jeff. I’m not complaining; he needs to make the rounds mediating with all these women, starting with Phaedra and Kandi! Also, I like that he didn’t blindly take Kenya’s side in the situation with Matt and tried to point out that it takes two to tango, and in this scenario (it seems), two to break a glass.

Kenya and Matt are not repairable. Like, it’s so broke, why bother fixing it?

It sounds to me like Kenya wants Matt to essentially be her little bitch, who she runs circles around while he yips at her designer heels and rides or dies in her rent-a-purse like her little dog King. Except Matt wants something bigger and grander than the doggy kennel in the backseat and constantly being trained to believe Krayonce propaganda. Matt is not the window cleaner to Kenya’s soul, y’all! He’s not just a puppet! He’s a real boy!

When Matt asserts himself, Kenya gets all superior with him. Certainly, he’s immature, short-tempered, and like Kenya’s father says, needs to get help. The disconnect doesn’t end there: Matt says more than once during this meeting that he’s done with the relationship, yet Kenya is taking about how they need to get on the same page because he’s ‘the one’ if he’d just fix x, y, z.

Kenya and Matt

This is a weird mommy-son/romantical hybrid relationship that is all sorts of Jerry Springer.  Finally, Kenya shouts that Matt doesn’t deserve respect because he throws temper tantrums, so the meeting is adjourned. In the parking lot, Ronald tells Matt that if there’s something worth saving in his relationship with Kenya, fix it. Otherwise, get in his truck and don’t look back. I have a feeling Matt hit that gas pedal and sped all the way to the state line. He needs to enter Witness Protection from Cougars on the prowl! Moore Manor is a gilded prison alright!

And Kenya needs to return to Moore Manor with her bedroom Kandi and get on that dating app Porsha was telling Phaedra about. Or maybe she should rent out Moore Manor, then be roommates with Cynthia Bailey in her new lake house. Now that would be fun! Yes, Cynthia is now the proud owner of a Peter-free (double entendre time!) new home – let the long baths, soaking away the cooties and embarrassment of the last 5 years, begin. Anyone else surprised Cynthia has this much money?

Kairo becomes a model

Meanwhile, Sheree Whitfield has her own dreams. She will be the next Kris Jenner pimpmomagering Kairo into a supermodel. She better watch out because all the male supermodels wind up tending bar at SUR.

Sheree stages a photo shoot, where she takes off Kairo’s shirt, sprays him down with body glitter, and gushes about how hot he is until a scandalized Bob walks in and throws his shirt over his exploited son. “First they got your shirt off, then they got you doing those sex tapes,” warns Bob. Sheree kicks Bob off set because his giant, hulking, sweating form is blocking out all the good light. (Why is he always sweating?)

With photos in hand, Sheree arranges a meeting with Cynthia, who has been without male attention for so long she practically has a wet dream in the coffee shop and drools into her chai latte at the sight of Kairo’s shirtless photos. She had the Bob-Sweats going on until Sheree pulls her back with a reminder that she will go She By SheHulk on Cynthia and her nails turn into Momerine claws. RAWR.

Sheree as Momager

Cynthia and Sheree definitely both have fantasies for Kairo’s futures – albeit very different ones. Just like She By SheBrke threw a fashion show with no clothes, she wants to have Kairo modeling at NYFW with no portfolio and zero experience. Cynthia explains that it’s something he will have to work towards. Sheree takes this as Cynthia being a hater. Run Cynthia, run … straight to that lake house, then swim!

Porsha and new boyfriend Todd

At least Porsha is having some success. She introduces Todd to her family and these two just seem perfect together! Between the two of them, they share about three brain cells and are scarcely able to form a complete sentence, but they look beautiful and seem perfectly happy to just stare at each other and smile. After barely uttering a word during dinner, Todd admits he’s not sure he wants to start over with another family, then burps out that he loves Porsha.

Lauren and Porsha’s brother Hosea, who clearly inherited all the brain cells Porsha shook out of her hair follicles like her head is a salt shaker, are rightfully skeptical. Porsha’s mom starts arranging the engagement party. (I actually think Porsha and Todd are SO CUTE!)

Finally, I have to talk about Kandi and Phaedra again. Kandi is a big old UGH to me. She shows up to dinner with rocks in her purse and starts chucking them at Phaedra the moment she sits down. Kandi claims it’s because Phaedra is talking about her mama. Kandi – if your mama weren’t such a reprehensible person, nobody would be talking about her. Mama Moscato can fend for herself anyway.

Phaedra is confronted by Kandi

Then Kandi starts whining that Phaedra deserves no sympathy because she wanted Apollo to go to prison so she could marry someone else – a little chocolate she was enjoying on the side. Yes, we’re here again. Honestly, who cares! Apollo was running around on Phaedra left and right, once they were separated and he moved out, so what if she had a fling or two!? He had already told her he wanted a divorce! Plus, none of this is Kandi’s business!

The real reason for Kandi’s panties being in a twist are because Phaedra made her look like the shitty friend she is for not being there before Apollo went to prison. Phaedra seems hurt and also stunned by Kandi’s outburst and confesses that, at that point, she loved her friend more than she loved her lying, philandering husband. Yikes.

Sure, Phaedra is far-reaching with her melodramas, and she’s shifty, and as she reminds Kandi they both hold a lot of each other’s secrets because Kandi was her bestie. Until Kandi ditched her to take Apollo’s side, and accused Phaedra of playing the victim.

Phaedra point-blank asks Kandi why she’s so angry considering that she has everything: a good man, children, a career, etc… Yes, yes, inquiring minds do want to know.

Kandi doesn't believe Phaedra's lies

I’m sorry, Phaedra can be shady, but in this instance, I’m on her side. Kandi was (and is!) a crappy friend and keeps trying to rewrite history. Mama Joyce, who is stalking Phaedra, does deserve to be called out.

For Kandi to go and meddle – AGAIN – in Phaedra‘s marriage is uncalled for. The past is done. They both said some shit, but only one of them is STILL saying it and making accusations. Phaedra paid Kandi’s lil’ Todd his coins so he could go and open a restaurant for Kandi’s mama, now Kandi needs to go stuff some of that OLG chicken in her mouth until she can no longer taste the bitterness on the tip of her tongue.

Sip on with that victory cocktail, Phaedra. Then follow that up with some chocolate! Mmmmmmm Hmmmmm!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]