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Summer House - Cristina

I think I understand why Kyle Cooke drinks so much on Summer House, because I would have to be drunk to survive friendships with these people. In the center of all of last night’s drama was the fractured friendship of Cristina Gibson and Lindsay Hubbard.

Ugh these two. Ugh all these twos. Especially Lindsay and Everrett Weston.

After Lindsay drunkenly announced that Cristina was fired from her job, she got in a car and slapped Everett in the face for “being rude.” This erupted into a house-wide drunken fight during which Kyle just slurred “sorry” at a bag of chips approximately 300 times, until Everett dumped Lindsay, who hid under the covers until Ashely Wirkus came to console her.

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Lauren Wirkus explains that Lindsay and Everett don’t make sense sober, so 12 drinks in, they’re speaking Portuguese while orbiting Mars on the Challenger Space Station and snacking on caviar. Basically it’s a big old WTF?!

Everett & Lindsay fight

With Lindsay out of the line of Everett’s fire, he turns his wrath on Cristina for being a “bad friend” to Lindsay. The girl he drunkenly “sayo-f–king-nara’d” fifteen seconds before. Kyle tries to defend Cristina by saying she’s a “good girl” before face planting into some bean dip and waking up with his shorts on his head. Since he didn’t wake up with Amanda, that’s progress right?!

RELATED – Cristina Exposes Lindsay’s Lies?

Meanwhile, Carl Radke and Stephen McGee are just in hiding. Despite the fact that he’s on enough antibiotics to eradicate every potential strain of VD possibly in the house hot tub, Carl crawls out of bed for “an away game” just to escape Everett and Lindsay.

Carl is also trying to evade the constant pressure of Lauren, whom scares him because she’s too confident about what she wants, or something. Lauren is a tall drink of slushy margarita! In fairness, though, everyone wants to escape, but Carl, the lone sober wolf, holds the keys to the chariot and this car is full.

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The next morning, Linday and Everett frolic in thongs and make out as if dumping and slapping each other was mere foreplay. The rest of the group reels from the “power couple” and how their mess of dysfunction is affecting the house. However, priorities: Kyle scheduled a wine tour for Sunday Funday and no tantrums, dramas, or arguments are going to keep them from their rosé. It’s a collective effort in the face of good vs. evil.

Immediately after the winery, Ashley is flying to Cali for a long-awaited reunion with her husband Brad. They’ve spent most of their relationship long distance, which Ashley thinks keeps the spark alive. In her heart Ashley is forever married to micromanaging Lauren’s heart instead.

Well, the winery was a predictable mess, and I’m still trying to figure out what happened in this game of musical cheese plates, arguments, and an attempted roommate coup. Seriously! Cristina decided she will not be steam rolled by the “power couple” and confronts Lindsay before she’s “too drunk.”

Cristina calls out Lindsay for lying about her being fired, but Lindsay is all “fired, let go, quit… I mean it’s all the same thing!” Plus, it’s Cristina’s fault for being a “bad friend,” because she won’t let Lindsay take over their apartment with her Everrett arguments and intern possé when all Cristina is doing is sitting around online shopping.

To enact her revenge, against bad friendhood, Lindsay decides Cristina isn’t allowed back to Montauk the following weekend since she’s only a “guest” in the house, not an official roommate. The lease situation, like the situation with Cristina’s job, is apparently a technicality in which only five names could be on it and Lindsay’s is, whereas Cristina’s is not.

Right there in the vineyard, Lindsay calls an impromptu “real roommates” meeting to vote Cristina off the island (literally) the following weekend. The roommates ultimately decide they have no jurisdiction to decide if Cristina can pitch her air mattress in their abode, because she’s having an issue solely with Lindsay, not the rest of the house.

Sober Carl, yes – he’s still sober – was just trying to enjoy his cheese plate when the roommate extraction summit begins, so he moves to a nearby table where Everett is sitting.

With Lindsay distracted, Cristina takes the opportunity to confront Everett over how he treated her the night before. He’s unapologetic, and Carl, the cheese who stands eternally alone, is once again on the move. Until he locates Stephen, the morass of solace in the midst of insanity. Carl is finally enjoying his cheese in peace when Lauren comes over to complain about Stephen and Carl being so distant from the housemates. So Carl is on the move again. Question: if you burn all the cheese calories while consuming said cheese, that’s like extra Fitbit points right? Or no? Cause I mean Carl’s cheese plays a pretty crafty away game.

With Stephen unable to escape Lauren, she lectures him on teaming up with Carl in a way that’s bad for the group – especially since they aren’t really part of the group. The same group that 10 minutes later, while Carl and Stephen are hiding in the vineyard plotting their upcoming outing to a gay bar, starts hugging, cheers-ing, and proclaiming life-long friendship.

All that was made possible when Lindsay decided she could publicly admit to Cristina that she may have misspoken about Cristina’s job and that maybe she was kind of a little sorry. Lindsay misinterpreted this as Cristina giving her free license to use their apartment for intern gatherings.

In the two minutes of down time that linger that Sunday, Kyle decides he’s bored and calls Amanda, who is renting a nearby house. Kyle just wants to get the good lovin’ while he can because this is the final weekend Amanda and her friends have their house. Then Kyle can focus his attentions and efforts on appreciating singledom in Montauk. Amanda comes racing over and immediately “frees her titties” in the hot tub for a flotation device competition with Lauren. Seriously.

While all this is happening, Carl is passed out in Lauren’s bed because he wants a good night of sleep, and he and Lauren broke his bed. When a drunken Lauren decides she’s had enough titties and wants to play with Carl’s “peen,” he rolls over.

Then it’s back to NYC! With Cristina working at home, Lindsay announces that her team of interns will be there any minute. Cristina is shocked because she doesn’t remember agreeing to this. Q: does Cristina have an inordinate amount of power over the NY house situation? I mean, is she the only person allowed to use the apartment during the day?

While Cristina and Lindsay erupt into argument, their other roommate Katie mediates and reminds Cristina that she needs to stay calm. Maybe Lindsay needs to go work at Sonja Morgan‘s house – they could even share interns!

It turns out the reason Lindsay disbanded her previous company is because she was working with her ex and personal drama got in the way of professional pursuits. So, as Lindsay attempts to launch Hubb House PR from her couch, surrounded by interns, Cristina glares and offers her two-cents. Eventually, Cristina goes to work in her room, which is the size of a linen closet, so Lindsay can dictate emails about frozen margaritas with perceived importance.

Stephen and Carl cement their bromance with an outing to a gay bar. Stephen pines for an in the closet son of a European political dynasty and has wasted the last six years of his life waiting for a commitment. Now he feels it’s time to move on. Carl squeezes his hand and promises to be his wing man, but only because getting hit on – by anyone – makes Carl feel human. And sometimes even psychos want to know how the other half lives.

Jaclyn & Carl flirt

By the time everyone returns to Montauk, they’re ready for fresh drama. Kyle is visiting his parents that weekend, but Jaclyn Shuman is present, because she wouldn’t miss the big annual bonfire. The big special event that both Kyle and the Wirkus twins are fine skipping.

The Wirkuses have dinner with their family, who is in town for the weekend and simply cannot wait to meet, dissect, and pick apart this Carl. Even though Lauren warns that it’s definitely not serious and Ashley complains about Carl’s sleazery. Does sleaze count from a mother who encouraged her teenage daughters to flash people? In the case of Carl, yes. He is sleazy. Lauren sulks as her family questions her about Carl. Ashley is a man-magnet and doesn’t understand why Lauren is a man-pariah.

Back at the bonfire, Carl is now all over Jaclyn, who reveals she wants to climb him like a tree. He’s just her type. By that I mean, he’s a so-called human with male anatomy as vetted by Lauren.

RELATED – Are Carl & Lauren Still An Item?

Cristina is shocked by how Carl is playing Lauren and she’s not impressed that Jaclyn is flirting with him considering that Lauren is her friend. When they’re sorting out rooms for the night, Carl reveals that he and Jaclyn are planning to share a bed.

In the car back to the house, where the Wirkus twins have already returned, Cristina whispers to Carl that she’s concerned about his encroaching upon Jaclyn when things are up in the air even with Lauren. Carl snaps that she should “stay the f–k out of it.”

Wasn’t this the same guy who last weekend was running around crying about drama? Now Carl is planning to cause massive amounts of it by trying to play two girls in the same house? This guy, and Jaclyn, who strokes Carl’s feet and smirks as he tells off Cristina, are gross.

TELL US – TEAM LINDSAY OR TEAM CRISTINA? SHOULD CRISTINA STAY OUT OF CARL’S DRAMA?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]