While the Wirkus’s are away, Carl’s roving eye will play. And it casts its spell on Jaclyn Shuman who is all too happy to oblige – to a point. Massages in the hot tub – check! Sexual innuendo – Check! Promises to share a room – Check! Willingness to share a bed… uncheck! Jaclyn is one of those girls who just needs attention. Like if there is a peen in the vicinity she is tracking it like the Chanel coat on a mannequin that will be headed for the sample sale post season.
After she throws herself at Carl all night, and invites him to share her room, Jaclyn directs Carl to the futon and turns out the light. She giggles that she knows what she’s doing, and also that it’s going to look sooooo bad to the rest of the house. So bright and early the next morning, she skuttles into the Wirkus twins room to reveal that Carl was snoring the blue balls away on her futon. Lauren Wirkus is still trying to play it cool-ish with Carl, but Ashley Wirkus has no such compunctions!
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Also tracking the goings on of Carl and Jaclyn are Cristina Gibson. Cristina seems gunning for a fight. Either that or she wants to rebrand herself as Summer House’s Dr. Ruth.
Then it’s off to watch models play volleyball for charity, which doubles as Part 1 one of Kyle’s birthday celebration. After spending the week in New Hampshire at his family reunion, Kyle returns to Montauk to turn 34. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, spirits are high and highly consumed, the butts are toned, but there are more kinks than there are bends in the straws stirring the cocktails. It seems that it is Carl who just cannot stop the flirting!
Stephen McGee explains that Carl is just so natural with everyone that it’s impossible to not want to climb him like a tree. Well, I beg to differ, but perhaps it’s cause I’ve never experienced the power of The Hot Carl up close and personal?
Needless to say Jaclyn is enjoying her fair share, while Lauren tries to simultaneously stake her own claim. Jaclyn goes off to buy a clamshell bikini with Carl as her style advisor, and Cristina takes the opportunity to warn Lauren that Carl and Jaclyn have been getting hot and handsy. Ashley is outraged, but Lauren isn’t jumping to conclusions yet. She’s well aware that Jaclyn is an attention whore, and Cristina is a gossip monger.
Cristina feels justified both in warning Carl of the Wrath of Wirkus, and of warning the Wirkus of the Inner Workings of Jaclyn. Mostly because if Jaclyn is friends with Lauren it is intrinsic to girl code that a guy your friend likes is a no-fly zone!
Jaclyn however is s southern bell and explains that all southern women throw themselves shamelessly at men with cheap innuendo. We don’t. Sorry.
Back at the house the group plans to surprise Kyle with birthday cake and mullet wigs. When he walks up the stairs he finds a mullet paradise and 34 candles burning brightly, but all Kyle can think about is how he misses Amanda and perhaps made a mistake dumping her. Perhaps third time’s a charm?
Still – Kyle is not about to let a little broken heart get in the way of a dance party and rosè, so it’s PAAARTAY! That is until Lindsay Hubbard and Everett Weston sneak down to their room for a quickie… argument. I don’t know what started it but suddenly they are yelling at each other and quarreling. The rest of the group, partying and preparing to go out for Kyle’s birthday, have no idea what’s brewing south of the stairs. Until House Mother Ashley comes to check on Lindsay.
Somehow Lindsay starts doubting Ashley’s loyalty and asks, menacingly (drunkenly) “Can I really really really trust you?” This infuriates Ashley. When Everett tries to defend Lindsay, as is their pattern, Ashley rips into him too. I think Carl just got a taste of the Wrath Of Wirkus and hopefully he course-corrects right out of Jaclyn’s bedroom.
After that no one is in the mood to go out, except Everett who disappears into the night and doesn’t come home. Lindsay is so distraught she falls asleep with a bag of chips, wearing a strapless bra and a thong. The next morning Everett still hasn’t returned and Lindsay reminds us, again, that because of her “abandonment issues” it’s her greatest fear that Everett will leave her. This does not bode well for Lindsay’s 30th birthday the following week. Might be high time to nip those abandonment issues into the bud with some therapy!
Lindsay isn’t the only one with relationship woes. In what is the worst birthday ever, Kyle wakes up to a text from an angry Amanda who found out Cristina about his make-out with Cristina and Lindsay’s roommate Katie! Instead of sulking and talking about it to everyone in the house, Kyle heads straight to the source: Cristina.
Kyle immediately tells her that it’s not cool to meddle in his relationship, no matter what her reasons. Nor he doesn’t believe that she thought Amanda already knew and she was merely reassuring her that Katie was no threat. Kyle echos Carl’s earlier sentiment that Cristina should “shut the f–k up,” although he dispatched the message far more politely.
Having bad blood everywhere, Cristina decides to visit the farmer’s market with Jaclyn, and get to know this interloping usurper a little better over blueberries for a change. Jaclyn defends flirting with Carl as “just her personality,” then admits she doesn’t feel accepted in the house and wonders if it’s because she hasn’t been there all summer? Cristina clarifies that it’s actually Jaclyn acting like an untrustworthy harlot that has everyone giving her the side-eye.
The conversation goes better than it sounds, so they head back to the house for pool time before the trek to NYC. Unfortunately they’re interrupted by Carl and Stephen getting a couples massage! Seriously – they had masseuses over to just rub them down in front of everyone. And they didn’t get one for birthday boy Kyle! Cristina and Jaclyn watch on, super-awkwardly, as Carl has a massage-gasm, then Jaclyn hops up to volunteer her own massage skills. But that’s just her personality!
Since these people really know how to pack a lot into the day, the Wirkus twins will be having their entire family visit later that evening. And they have 8 (yes, EIGHT) other siblings!
On that note most of the house decides it’s time to head back to the city, but not Carl. Carl admits longing for a super-close big family like the Wirkus’s and he seems to be both intimidated by Lauren, but also unable to separate himself from the allure. He’s the ultimate masochist, or sociopath – I can’t really tell at this juncture – and sticks around to impress Lauren’s mom.
Lauren’s mom seems to get it immediately that Carl is a schmoozer and no kinda ‘Brad,’ but he’s a good time and she encourages Lauren to treat it as a fling, and not worry so much about complicating things. Then everyone troops back to the city for their ever-so-brief work week.
Stephen goes on a date with the world’s most boring man. It’s so boring neither I nor Stephen care to recap it. Carl, on the other hand, lets us into his family dynamic and it is a sordid tale: His dad left his mom after 35 years of marriage, his brother is in and out of jail and dealing with heroin with Carl’s mom helping to care for his kids, Carl’s uncle is a disaster and it’s pretty much up to Carl to take care of his mom. I was glad to see this side of him, and it redeemed him a bit until I saw the previews for next week. Carl himself admits that he self-sabotages, and yeah, I would say so…
Anyway, also self-sabotaging is Linday. Her volatility is wearing on Everett. After he bailed in Montauk and announced that he needs a break from her instability, they haven’t spoken all week. Lindsay wrote him a 10 page email, which she reads to Katie, whose eyes glaze over. I bet Katie wishing that Lindsay and Cristina weren’t on the outs so she could avoid dealing with this nonsense.
Later Lindsay and Everett meet for a drink and he spells it out that she has got to learn to handle her emotions and stop picking fights. When Lindsay blames being under a lot of stress with her family and company, Everett is unsympathetic because stress will always be there. Whereas he, will not. Damn!
TELL US – WILL EVERETT AND LINDSAY MAKE IT? IS CRISTINA MEDDLING OR BEING A GOOD FRIEND?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]