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Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

Despite all the drama Below Deck Mediterranean was teasing at the end of last week’s premiere, I still expected at least a few more episodes of smooth sailing until we saw anything major happen between the crew. But this week blew that assumption right out of the water as we were treated to Bobby Giancola’s weird game of cat and mouse with pretty much anyone who has a vagina.

Lord help you if Bobby has you in his sights because he will latch on like the overly tattooed python he is and attempt to squeeze every last ounce of refusal out of you and make you his woman. The only lady willing to stand up to this menacing goon is Chief Steward and defender of helpless female deckhands everywhere, Hannah Ferrier. Say what you want about Hannah being stuck up or annoying, when it comes to helping a sister out, she is right there, ready for battle like Wonder Woman (in a yachting outfit).

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Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

But before I delve too deep in what that’s all about, we start this episode back at the lunch on the beach the crew has set up for their female empowered guests, The Tribe.

Captain Sandy Yawn is trying to do some empowerment of her own by showing Deck Hand/Coveted Prize of All Male Crewmembers, Malia White how to handle the dinghy. An impatient Hannah forces a grin and tries to speed this up so they can serve the guests but the truth is, she’s already on edge about how much Captain Sandy is micromanaging her and wondering how she will make it through the charter season. While Hannah isn’t interested making any impression, newbie Lauren Cohen is set on proving to Hannah that she isn’t just some bimbo Bobby picked up on the off season. Isn’t she though? Either way, Lauren wants to make sure Hannah knows she has more use than just being Bobby’s former fling. I’m still wondering what Bravo casting agent agreed to put Lauren on the ship after a recommendation from the guy who uses tickets to Watch What Happens Live as a way to get ass.

Speaking of, let’s talk about that for a second. Last week after the premiere, if you happened to catch Hannah and Bobby on WWHL, you were in for a real treat. A stunned Andy Cohen didn’t even need to orchestrate any shade as these two ripped each other to shreds – Hannah saying Bobby is a douche (he is) for hooking up with too many women and using invites to the show as a way to get more hook ups. Even Andy yelled at Bobby for bringing strange women to his set. In turn, Bobby lobbed the only thing back at Hannah he could think of – that she was holding a grudge because he rejected her romantically last season! HA HA HA! No really, I am SOL (snorting out loud) at this. If anyone is familiar with rejection, it would be Bobby, who was downright embarrassing himself last season on how many times he professed his love to Julia, who had a boyfriend (and still does).

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

But I digress, so back to this episode. As the day wears on, the crew readies a themed night of belly dancing and ummm, tribal stuff? The Tribe uses makeup to paint tribe-y strips on themselves and one guest just gave up and face planted in glitter because she comes to the table with a big splotch of what I can only assume is lipstick and eye shadow smeared across her forehead. If these ladies wanted true tribal makeup, all they had to do was stare into one of Bobby’s arm tattoos for guidance.

In the kitchen, Hannah is sweating the fact that Chef Adam Glick overcooked the main fish course and threw it out to start over. Adam isn’t sweating at all, which unnerves Hannah further. While Hannah admits she’s happy they are getting along so well, despite the great offense of Adam wearing Crocs in the kitchen, she also says there is something she can’t put her finger on when it comes to him. Anyone who wears rubber shoes with no style must have a close eye kept on them!

Above deck, the Deck Hands are being kept more than busy trying to drop anchor by the rocks and Bobby messes up the anchor after his little pea brain can’t keep up with what five minus three is. The boat’s engineer is called in to fix the overextended anchor chain and Captain Sandy decides to cut Bobby a break for being a set of biceps with a head.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

Bobby’s inability to focus on his job was likely because he was busy using his other head to figure out how he can get into Malia’s pants. In his twisted mind, there is only one thing standing in his way and that’s Hannah. He assumes that because Hannah and Malia are sharing a room, they will do what girls do – you know, “bicker, chipper, girl talk” about him all night long! This is especially dangerous because in his mind, Hannah is hell bent on no one having him unless she can, so she is going to ruin all his chances with Malia out of jealous spite. In Bobby’s world, a woman can’t simply NOT be into him.

So, some more things happen on the boat with the guests, like jet skis and food and taking pictures doing the splits on the Croatian coast line, yadda yadda yadda, let’s get back to the drama.

The team manages to dock the Sirocco without issue. Well, almost – Malia was in her room and the escape hatch door fell into the shower door, covering her in glass shards. While they try and clean her up, Hannah gets Malia to another room to strip down so she can start showering the glass off her. Bobby, springing into EMT mode, insists on seeing Malia immediately to assess the damage, even though he just had in the kitchen.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

Before he can suggest CPR or something equally ridiculous, Hannah pushes back, telling Bobby she’s not dressed and he can wait until she is. Bobby bellows that he has seen plenty of naked women in the “field.” Even Malia says nice try and asks him to wait but Bobby (being the douche that he is) gets angry and blames Hannah and her territorial marking of him as the reason for not allowing him to treat a naked female crew member who is essentially suffering from a bad paper cut.

It’s time for The Tribe to leave and Captain Sandy counts the tip and invites the crew out to dinner as part of her tradition. She also asks to meet with Hannah privately and a grumbly Hannah heads upstairs, sure that she will be micromanaged some more. Instead, Captain Sandy is full of praise for how professional, elegant, and competent Hannah is at her job. Maybe now Hannah can roll her eyes a few less times?

The crew heads out to dinner in Croatia, while Wiz Wesley Walton stays behind to manage the boat (and his FOMO). At dinner, Bobby tries his best to start flirting with Malia while simultaneously ignoring Lauren and any attempt on her part to be friendly. Captain Sandy graciously takes leave back to the boat so Wiz can come and enjoy the fun. Now that the Captain is gone, they head to a club to take shots, have too many drinks, and grind on each other. Hannah and Malia are on the dance floor, getting too close for Bobby’s comfort and he waits to the side, like the true creep he is, never letting Malia out of his sight. Hasn’t he ever heard of playing it cool? Damn, man, take a cold shower already.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

As the night winds down, everyone heads back to the boat and both Adam and Bobby literally take turns grabbing Malia from each other’s arms. Did these guys take dating tips from a caveman!? Why don’t they just drag her back to the boat by her hair?

Hannah and Malia continue bonding and Bobby is growing more and more worried about how that will affect his chances with Malia. The second Hannah is out of his sight, he demands to know what she was talking to Malia about. When Malia playfully say she knows all his secrets, Bobby blows up and storms off to find Hannah. He finds her, in the bathroom, and barges in anyway! Damn, is no place sacred!? She kicks him out and when she is done, goes to find him and see what the problem is. He freaks on her, saying she is always c*ck blocking him and accuses her of being an alcoholic. When Malia tells Bobby they really weren’t talking about him, he starts yelling at Hannah again.

Looks like if Bobby was so worried about his chances with Malia, he should have been less concerned with what Hannah had to say and more concerned with his own actions. Hannah didn’t have to give Malia the run down, she saw it with her own eyes and what she saw was definitely not a good look, bro.

TELL US – WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON – BOBBY OR HANNAH?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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