Vicki & Tamra make up

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County episode was the equivalent of drunk sorority girls. Leave Iceland alone! Like seriously – go home ladies; you’re drunk! Especially Vicki Gunvalson. First she was dying, then she was drunk, then she was sobbing into Tamra Judge‘s hair… It’s the casserole that revived her! That and the attention frenzy in the wake of her ‘heart attack.’

Poor Vicki her love tank’s connected to her heart valve, her heart valve’s connected to that part of her brain that says ‘PAY ATTENTION TO ME! ME! ME! ME!” So she was vomiting and having heart palpitations while Peggy Sulahian and Kelly Dodd fought over who was better at caring for Vicki’s sputtering love tank.

This was probably actually the pinnacle of Vicki’s existence; her tank was filleth over with good tidings (which taste remarkably like tater tots drenched in cheese). It was a revolving door of concerned Housewives, all fighting over the position of HEAD NURSE in the asylum. Kelly, that lucky minx, got to be Nurse Ratchet. I mean Kelly’s sleeves alone where just the perfect illustration of what a carnival sideshow Vicki’s ‘ailment’ was. She’s under “cardiac care,” y’all – whatever that means – for an enlarged delusion valve.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Suddenly a cute doctor appeared on the scene like this is a soap opera. We didn’t get to hear him deliver his line that Vicki has 2 hours left to live because Peggy kept interrupting to demand he “care for Vicki.” Maybe Peggy doesn’t know the meaning of the word “doctor” in English?

Peggy was so emotional about Vicki’s health [journey], because it brought back memories of her dad dying of a stroke (um…), and also she feels lucky to have Diko take care of her during her cancer and wants to pay that care forward – or something. I don’t really understand how Vicki’s melodramatic antic gives Peggy hospital-based PTSD, but this is Bravo, so nothing makes sense. Especially not Peggy.

Also hasn’t Peggy known Vicki like 10 minutes? Why was she answering on Vicki’s behalf and yelling in the doctor’s ear? I don’t believe Vicki signed a waiver giving Peggy permission to make medical decisions on her behalf. Obviously Meghan Edmonds, medical expert since she used to be a pharmaceutical sales rep, kept wandering in and out, to ‘check in.’ Then Tamra strutted in wearing a a mummy costume, and asserted herself the true boss. She gently sat next to Vicki on the bed, took her hand and softly asked what happened. Finally Kelly barged back in to DEMAND everyone get out because Vicki needed open heart surgery right there in the Zimbabwe Suite, which would require an antler be used as a scalpel.

With surgery prepped, Shannon Beador gathered all of her wits to take control. Surgery isn’t needed – an organic colonic is! After all, Shannon knows a thing or two about broken hearts! And Shannon knows that the fastest way to kill a woman is improper Feng shui in the operating theater. (They call it a “theater” in England, and I thought the word was appropriately appropriated here, given the circumstances).

It all got so out of hand Fridrik, the hotel owner (and Vicki’s future Icelandic emotional affair and soul mate (aka a badass, non-broke Brooks to Steve’s careful, patient, understanding, Donn-ness)), emerged to demand the coven back off, because Vicki was being taken to the hospital. Diagnoses … heart burn? Attention displacia? Immediately Dr. Meghanny Drew and Dr. Moon InShanity Beador asked why a portable EKG wasn’t on the scene. Cause: DUH – that is not dramatic enough! This is not your first rodeo, girls! Y’all need to take a page from La Gunvalson’s playbook, chapter Diva Le Realite on how to exaggerate routine exhaustion and dehydration into a full episode, ending with all your frienemies pouring you drinks. C’mon now!

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Even better, Vicki emerged from her room on a gurney with Yolanda Foster’s bathrobe turned INSIDE OUT and draped over her head protectively. Vicki bringing new life to the term ‘ghosting’! Naturally everyone but Peggy laughed. After that they all realized she was fine, but not Peggy. She argued with Kelly, then chased the ambulance into the parking lot before hiding in her room to call Diko for permission to go to the hospital.

All that drama and ambulance chasing made the other women hungry, so they sat down to a delicious dinner of soup, fish, and cocktails while discussing how Vicki is the queen of over-reacting. And this performance surely warrants a casserole as a reward! Kelly, Shannon, Tamra, and Meghan cared for Vicki in truly the most-perfect way possible: they made a toast to her and then the concocted the perfect casserole from the hotel kitchen. Obviously Icelanders revere the spirit of the OG.

Lydia was the only one who went to the hospital. Carrying her bible, of course. From her place at the dining table, Kelly decided they would take shifts – after she ate (and drank) she would taxi to the hospital to relieve Lydia. Since Vicki was obviously at death’s door, Tamra would take the next shift. All Kelly talked about was these SHIFTS! SHIFTS! SHIFTS! Attention K-Mart employees there’s a Blue like special on Aisle 4 (who knows what movie that line comes from?!) Then Peggy had to screw errrrbody’s shifts up! Apparently no one got the memo that Diko manages this crew and he appointed Peggy shift supervisor.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

After getting Diko’s consent, Peggy barged into the restaurant to arrogantly inform Kelly that she was officially fired as No 1 Vicki Friend. Peggy was leaving for the hospital STAT – come hell or full cocktails to see Vicki in her last moments, and that she had no time to waste! Kelly, though, is a girl with her priorities in tact; she just wanted to finish her drink which would take about “2 seconds!” then get in the taxi together. Unfortunately Manager Diko told Peggy to GO immediately and when he tells her to do something, she does it – cause that’s how respectful marriages work in liberal wealthy suburbs. Down by the beaches of bedlam where Kelly lives, marriages fail because the women have opinions. After a brief argument, Peggy decides to leave without Kelly and even tells the driver to leave without her! She who saveth Vicki firstest reaps thou reward in the after-trippth lifes!

By the time Peggy arrives Vicki has been told to go home to rest. She has to give herself a shot though! A shot of tequila, apparently. Lydia has that look that mothers get when children pretend their bumped knee requires amputation and a 2 hour tantrum. She was done with this shit. Especially when they returned to the hotel to the other women drunk and throwing casseroles in Vicki’s [two] faces. Nobody made Saint Peggy or Saint Lydia a casserole for saving Vicki’s life, though! Lydia smartly went to bed, but Peggy hovered around to make sure Vicki didn’t keel over again. Vicki only would’ve relapsed if the other had women ignored her.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Instead Vicki was folded into the several bottles of champagne the women have waiting in Shannon’s room for a THANK JESUS YOU DIDN’T DIE celebratory party. Yes, I know: Satan is confusing!

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

After a zillion or so drinks, Tamra and Vicki fall all over each other in tears and drunkenly half-apologize/half-argue and sob over how Brooks broke them, and now Vicki is trying to break TEddie. Tamra and Vicki experience emotions the way Klingons do – they roar at each other, bellowing and knocking each other down, until they press slur and snarl with their foreheads pressed together meaning love. It ends when somebody pees their pants. This requires a lot of WOO HOOS and alcohol.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

While Tamra and Vicki were crying about how they each loved each other too much, Shannon was sneering into Meghan’s ear that Vicki is a liar, manipulating Tamra again with the intent to destroy her. Meghan gets it, but she’s not emotionally invested enough to say it out loud. Instead she tries to shush Shannon and convince her to role with the peace, but Shannon will explode when Shannon wants to! Shannon is batshit crazy to not see how Tamra and Vicki are equals in bad to the bone-ness. Tamra is no sweet innocent My Little Lydia, Princess of Special Snowflake land. Or maybe Shannon realizes that TamIcki are stronger and more evil together? So, just when we thought all would be well, Shannon started yelling at Tamra for falling for Vicki’s lies. Luckily they were all too drunk to A) notice or B) remember.

Did I mention it was like 2 am by this time and they’d already been up all the previous night, then hiked a glacier four-wheeled over Death Valley, and had an argument over texts before Vicki returned to the hotel to dieish-die. This while trip has been spent at death’s door.

At around 4 am things really kicked up because Peggy and Kelly got into a nonsensical argument about who was more annoying. I say Peggy! Drunk Kelly rightfully called Peggy out for faking ignorance and Peggy retaliated by threatening to tattle to Diko and make him call Michael! That is literally the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard on one of these shows.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

What the f–k century and country is Peggy living in!? Tamra just started laughing and laughing and laughing until she pissed her sweatpants then collapsed in a heap on the floor, catatonic. She stayed there until around 11am when she awoke, her face covered in black tar, and started knocking on doors to see who was alive for shopping! She was also still wearing her pissy pants (and probably also still drunk). Sanitation is our priority here at the Bravo HQ! #CallLisaRinna #Depends

Vicki made a miraculous recovery. Like IT’s ALIVE. Just in time for Halloween – the walking dead stumbled blindly into the light, making gaping motions with her mouth and fumbles for Tamra, whom she encloses in a alien face-eating embrace. They don’t need words to express that things are all good. They’ve made happiness again over bottles of Cristal and pee-stains.

Is there no better proof that Vicki and Tamra are soulmates than how they both basically peed on each other. It’s the weirdest friendship pact ever, but I’d rather have them pissing than being pissed!

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Lydia is the only one well-rested. And now she is confused about what the hell she missed sleeping off the satan. Vicki and Tamra are friends! Kelly isn’t sure what happened, but she don’t have no regrets!

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Peggy is in seclusion after Kelly called her an idiot and mocked her. The other ladies try to rouse her, but she put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on her door and is ignoring them. Even invitations to shop couldn’t pry Peggy from her hurt feelings cocoon. So they decide the best way to smooth things over is to buy Peggy a present. Matching furry donuts for their heads! After their bonding night, everyone is in high spirits except Shannon. Sure she fake laughed when they found a giant gnome statue and Vicki teased that there was a chin hair, but not by the hair of Shannon’s chinny, chin, chin will she let Vicki huff, and puff, and blow Tamra’s fortress of defense down.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Lydia notices that Shannon is acting twitchy and asks her what’s wrong, and what’s wrong – as always – is Vicki. Shannon is spitting mad that Vicki is up to her lies again. And once again, Lydia finds herself in that exhausted space. This was supposed to be a vacation from her kids, you guys!

Back at the hotel Peggy is still unresponsive. Maybe she contracted Gunvalsonitis? She’s not answering the door, the phone, or texts. When Lydia finally threatens to tell the hotel they’re worried, Peggy calls out that she needs time alone. ALL THE TIME and she won’t come out! Peggy has never been treated as horribly as she was last night when all the women laughed at Kelly’s mean comments. Therefore she will punish them with the Armenian Silence Treatment which is far worse than the American one. Armenians hold a grudge better, longer, tougher – wait how does one ‘hold a grudge?’ Is it in a bag? Can you pick it up? What’s “grudge”?

Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Near Death Becomes Her

Now that they know Peggy is theoretically alive, everyone shrugs and goes back to doing what they’re doing (drinking). Especially Peggy’s good friend Vicki. Now that she has Tamra back, there’s no room for anyone else. Peggy really wanted Vicki and Tamra to be friends again, but be careful what you wish for. Peggy probably doesn’t know what that expression means though. We better call Diko for permission to explain it.

I decided I don’t care if Vicki is sincere or Tamra is, I just like seeing them have fun together. Or at least fight over something new and different for a change!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]