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Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

You know what time it is. Time for Luann de Lesseps’ apology tour, circa January 2018. Right on the heels of her Palm Beach arrest, the Real Housewives Of New York are left picking up the pieces (and the pettiness) of the tabloid drama unfolding before them. And you know, it’s kind of nice to see how the cast (with the exception of Tinsley Mortimer) closes ranks to support Luann, despite their trivial issues. It’s kind of like sisters who fight to the death behind closed doors but present a united front when one of them is attacked by an outsider. Or it’s mobster mentality. Either way, I’m down with it!

Two weeks after Luann’s arrest, she’s in rehab and the rest of the Real Housewives of New York ladies are calling each other to get their stories straight. Was Luann drunk? Um…yup. Did she hit a cop? That would be an affirmative. But surely she didn’t break out of handcuffs and attempt to escape the vehicle?!? Ah, yes. Yes, she did! Indeed, the former countess decided to throw our dear Dorinda Medley a bone and help erase the memory of Bethenny Frankel accusing her of being a drunk once and for all. Because Now poor Lu holds that official title. So says the judge, at least.

We begin with Bethenny planning her schedule and talking to the only person who will film with her her driver about Luann’s arrest. She thinks Luann’s downfall was inevitable, but that Lu hides her pain well. Both are probably true.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

Tinsley is in her hotel room on the phone with Carole Radziwill talking about the Luann incident. Tinsley says she was in Palm Beach – NOT West Palm Beach! – at the time of Luann’s arrest. Palm Beach is a tiny place, says Tinsley, who empathizes with Luann’s plight, especially since she has her own PB mugshot in the police files. Tinsley would like the viewing public to note that her arrest was a misdemeanor, while Luann’s involved four felonies. Okay. Duly noted, girl.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

Across town, Ramona Singer is picking up Dorinda for a doctor’s appointment. Looks like Do dropped a crystal salt shaker on her foot. Oof! Ramona and Dorinda also discuss Luann. They’re glad she’s in rehab, and they both think Lu was self-medicating because of her post-divorce pain. Ramona can relate. What Dorinda can’t believe is that she returned to the “scene of the crime,” as it were. Dorinda ALSO can’t believe that Bethenny hasn’t thanked her for the nutcracker yet. But OH MY GOD, I’m personally still getting over that street beatdown Ramona gave Bethenny on the phone last week. Dorinda needs to take notes.

In Lady Morgan’s wax museum, construction continues. (Which basically looks the same as Morgan Manor every day, let’s face it.) As Sonja sits on her bed encased by ripped tarps, she ponders living life in Dexter’s kill room versus staying with Tinsley for a few nights at her hotel. Since she’s now allegedly “allergic to dust,” Sonja will head to the hotel. Also, the hotel doesn’t have petrified fecal matter smeared into every square inch of its carpets…maybe. So – upgrade?

Ramona The Businesswoman is meeting with a dermatologist to congratulate herself on Benjamin-Buttoning her way through life, all due to her skin regimen. And okay, I’ll give it to ole’ Moaner: She does look freaking fantastic. Ramona says it’s all about skincare and drinking the blood of young virgins not plastic surgery, botox, or fillers. Remember True Renewal back in 2010? Well, Ramona is renewing that sh*t once again! And this time, she’s a MAVEN, y’all. A maven of what? Um, I think it’s called “Ageless,” but Ramona’s hyper-babble left me confused. At least Ramona is determined not to let Bethenny rain on her parade, no matter how shady she gets about other businesses competing for her Skinnygirl ad spots on this franchise.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

Speaking of the devil! On the way to her Skinnygirl Jeans launch party, Bethenny is also still reeling over her argument with Carole, who doesn’t want to make up. She texted her before the new year, but Carole gave her the cold shoulder. She also knows Dorinda is still pissed about the nutcracker debacle, so it looks like Luann won’t be the only Housewife on an apology tour after all.

Sonja arrives looking like Nanook of the North on the hunt for olives. She has no food at home, so she’ll be drinking her dinner and eating hummus. She makes sure to tell the bartender that garbanzo beans make her gassy, which serves to freak the poor kid out even more than her hat and olive-snarfing does. Then Sonja moves on to sucking down shellfish (along with the garnish?!?) because she’s only vegan on Tuesdays. Or something.

Bethenny makes a speech thanking everyone for supporting her launch while Dorinda hobbles in with a medical boot strapped to her dodgy foot. She and Bethenny hash out the nutcracker issue with 30 rounds of “I don’t care now but I did care then!” before they just blast apart like repellant objects. Dorinda is obviously still upset, but she’s willing to let the matter go if it will stop Bethenny from throwing her Puerto Rico drunkenness in her face (which B does).

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

While Tinsley and Sonja plan their big girl sleepover and flirt with underage men, Bethenny gets into a convo with Dorinda and Tinsley about Luann and is shocked to learn that Luann stayed in the same Palm Beach hotel where she hosted her wedding brunch. YIKES. “She’s a crime scene go-er!” announces Dorinda.

Tinsley thinks Luann went there because she DID want to be seen, and that her risk of running into Tom (who was there at the same time) was enormous. She also thinks Luann hitting a police officer is beyond the pale! I mean, as Palm Beach mugshots go, Tinsley feels like she’s winning. Sonja also feels like she’s winning when she gets a 26-year old boy with a home perm to pay attention to her. <cringe>

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

The next day, Carole and Bethenny meet for lunch to discuss their relationship. After they dish about Luann (which even frenemies can bond over), they get down to business. Bethenny feels like Carole dismissed her heartfelt text at Christmas, but Carole isn’t sure how to come back from the Berkshires. She didn’t know their relationship had shifted until she heard Bethenny talking about Adam behind her back (to Dorinda). Then the argument in the Berkshires took it next level.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

Bethenny admits she did question Adam’s motives, and she regrets going in on him during a previous phone call with Carole. She also knows Carole has supported her charity and didn’t mean to imply otherwise. “I love you,” says Bethenny. “I miss you.” But Carole still needs space, and she doesn’t look or sound remotely ready to get close to Bethenny again. You know what – that makes me sad. I’m not team Beth or Carole at this point. I just need these broads to stop with the trivial pettiness and MAKE IT NICE!!!! We need another Mexico trip (which I realize we aren’t gonna get) to save this hot mess.

Now with Ramona getting in on the action, Carole has more ammunition against Bethenny. She heard that Beth told Ramona she was “concerned” about her, which she finds insulting. But what Bethenny sees as friendly concern Carole sees as manipulative gossip. “Carole, this is just beyond,” she argues. “What do you want from me? You’re just being so critical.” Carole doesn’t see it this way but is at least willing to hug it out with Bethenny before the end of dinner. (Based on Carole’s recent Bravo blogs, however, this hug didn’t mend much of anything. She is still ON FIRE.)

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

Over at Tinsley’s hotel suite, she’s reveling in the fact that SHE is the host this time and can play strict housemarm to Sonja, the ungrateful guest. Then Tinsley announces the house rules: There are no rules! Also, she really doesn’t want Sonja to live with her after all because she rented her a separate penthouse suite next door. Complete with a Louis Vuitton bag! Oh, Tinsley, you done good, girl. You done reeeeeeeeeeal good. Sonja is thrilled to have a clean place to sleep with a fresh toilet to wash her clothing in. #InternationaLuxuryLifestyleBrand

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

As Dorinda perches on a bench in Central Park, she gets a call from rehab-Luann. Dorinda listens to Luann explain her downfall, which was public and humiliating, but maybe inevitable too? Dorinda thinks so. “I’m sorry that this had to happen for you to stop, but I don’t think you would have stopped,” says Dorinda – and to her credit, she makes a solid point without sounding condescending doing it. That’s no easy feat. Dorinda also has more sage advice for Luann: “Don’t ever go back to Palm Beach.” Ummm, no doubt, Do! That town plus the Regency are now 100% Luann-free zones, FO SHO.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: You Broke The Penal Code

Ultimately, Luann admits she made a mistake returning to the scene of the crime, especially over the holidays. Her shameful calls to her kids and mom after her arrest brought her to her knees, but she’s glad to be in rehab taking care of herself at the moment (of filming) and tells Dorinda that she’s looking forward to better times ahead. In a way, Luann says she’s even thankful for hitting rock bottom because she has nowhere left to go but up. Good for her.

TELL US: ARE BETHENNY AND CAROLE OKAY? HOW DID YOU FEEL THE LADIES HANDLED LUANN’S ARREST NEWS ON TONIGHT’S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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