Is it too soon to say that season two of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days may even surpass the greatness of season one? Perhaps so, but dang! It’s coming out, hairballs blazing. Last night we met one new couple or rather one half of a new couple. Alright, we actually met a dude who is very unlikely to ever be part of ANY couple, but who does own one very impressive mesh shirt (photo evidence forthcoming in future recaps). And are we all wondering the same thing with this cast, i.e.: Is everyone on this show actively trying get murdered now? Because the double-triple-quadruple catfishing going on here is astounding.
Out of the remaining couples, some came face to face for the first time. Some reunited after months apart. And others demanded pregnancy tests from their foreign fiances while still not learning upwards of 10 words of their native language. (Yeah, you know who you are, Paul.) Okay, let’s take a look at the highlights of the fourteen-car pileup known as 90 Day Fiance.
Rachel and her 8-month old baby, Lucy, land safely at Heathrow in London. She’s hoping the magic that was present in her online karaoke duet with Jon (which I could watch over and over again, so thank you, TLC for playing that sh*t on a loop) will continue in person.
“I need to know that he can handle fatherhood,” says Rachel, but apparently Jon can’t even handle finding his way to the airport. Rachel has to make her way to a train station to meet him, which shouldn’t be difficult considering she found a way to legally send body parts to a foreign country last year. (Seriously, border patrol: Do you not have “umbilical cords” on your watchlist?) Also, this Jon guy is garbage for making a woman with a BABY traipse all over a strange city to find his dumb arse.
Flashback to 24 hours earlier, where Jon reports that he still lives with his MOTHER and works in waste management. He tells us that everything will be perfect when Rachel arrives, and they’ll both turn into “little emoji heart eyes” when they see one another. Um. I don’t even know what to say here. Jon also shows us the UMBILICAL CORD that Rachel stitched into a heart for him (Whaaaaaaaa?) and the onesies/toys/cribs he’s stockpiling in a spare bedroom.
Jon’s mom seems on board with her son’s crazed behavior, but his sister side eyes the situation. She says Jon is a player. Jon and his pub friends also admit he used to essentially be a man-wh*re. And he’s not the marrying kind. But, hey – all that’s about to change! If he can freaking manage to drag himself to the train station, that is. He’s also hoping Rachel doesn’t reject him once she finds out the extent of his criminal record.
At Paddington Station, Rachel drags her luggage and baby through the terminal, but can’t find Jon. Where is he? Oh, he’s just out on the street VOMITING in public, then dry-brushing his teeth to get rid of the hangover smell. Prince Charming! At least Rachel thinks so when she finally sees him and throws her arms around him, crying. “I love you,” says Jon, of the vomity kisses. “I’ve always loved you.” Rachel is smitten, and she hopes Lucy is too. Because apparently, Jon is her new “daddy,” whether this baby knows it or not.
Paul lands in Manaus, Brazil, embracing Karine and drinking in her smell
like all serial killers do. Paul’s criminal records are buried deep within his 45 crates of stuffed animals and dildos, and he worries about what Karine’s dad will say when they read them. He’s also concerned about Karine posting “kissy face emojis” on some other dude’s social media recently. Paul remains unconcerned, however, that he and Karine are still communicating through a translator app.
But there’s a bigger issue: ALL of Paul’s super creepy luggage is missing! Somewhere, there are Brazilian airport security personnel peering into the abyss of Paul’s shrink-wrapped teddybears, unicorn onesies, and vibrators. And, for real, they deserve an immediate raise.
After Paul and Karine arrive at the hotel (after which they’ll move into an apartment for three months), Paul is greeted by a giant mosquito net over the bed, Pepto Bismol on the nightstand, and poop-water pills galore. Paul is ecstatic. He’s got everything he needs except that dirty-ass windbreaker from last year to get him through the next few months.
The next day, Paul’s luggage arrives and so does our continued break with sanity. As Karine hugs her emoji pillows and teddy bears, Paul wonders how her police officer father will react to reading his criminal record later. Until then, the reunited couple roams the streets, then sit down to have their first full-fledged argument.
Paul doesn’t like how much Karine is on her phone, but uh, Paul – the phone is the only thing that can understand her! Paul’s more concerned with some guy named Joe who Karine has been communicating with. Joe is actually a trainer, and gay (as reported months ago when he reached out to news outlets to defend himself against Paul’s claims).
But in this moment, Paul still thinks Karine is creeping. So he demands a pregnancy test. She firmly says, “NO,” then just walks away. This time, Paul doesn’t need a translator app to understand it.
Ooh! It’s time to meet Tarik (43, Virginia) who lives alone with his sweet 5-year old daughter, Ari, who is on the autism spectrum. Tarik has taken on Ari’s care solo after not having married Ari’s mom. Now he’s looking for love, and he thinks he found it in Asia. After visiting Bangkok and losing foreign girlfriend #1, he’s hit up Filipino cupid to try again. Tarik thinks Hazel, a 25-year old woman from the Phillipenes, will be his one true love.
“I guess you could say I’m risking…a lot?” shrugs Tarik just before calling Hazel – who promptly rejects his call! OMG. “I’m sorry, I’m shy,” texts
not Hazel. Then we’re told that Tarik has never actually SPOKEN to this woman, therefore we must immediately put him in the Ricky category. Because Tarik still plans on flying over there. This will not end well, guys. Sigh.
At least Tarik’s storyline offers one shining diamond in the pile of turds: Dean. Dean is Tarik’s younger brother and SOLE ambassador of solid brain functioning. As they work out in Tarik’s house, Dean reminds him that this Hazel person is just some “mail order chick” taking advantage of him. Probably just like the Thailand girl Tarik claims he “dated.” Another point of contention: Hazel still has other man-friends in her life! Idiotically, Tarik doesn’t suspect foul play.
“A con artist is a con artist is a CON ARTIST!” shouts Dean while Tarik just stares blankly back at him. Basically, Dean is every single one of us screaming at the TV right now, except he gets to scream right in Tarik’s face. And he gets to go to the Philippines with Tarik! YAY!!! Thank you, TLC, for this blessed twosome. Who cares about Hazel anyway. Hazel WHO?
After saying a tearful goodbye to his daughter, Tarik takes off for parts unknown, hoping that Hazel will make a good stepmom – and that Hazel will actually show up at the airport. She’s already trying to back out via text message, but Tarik boards the plane to meet his doom anyway.
In Georgia, Angela is having a change of heart. As she prepares to leave for the airport, the wise words of her kin in the smoking tent haunt her. Also, she doesn’t have a passport…so, no dice. She may not even be able to afford a change of flight, what with spending every last penny on tickets, new hair do’s, and pawn shop rings. On the phone, Michael doesn’t sound toooooo bummed out, if ya know what I mean. (Maybe a solid Azan-55%?) Angela is devastated, though, breaking down in tears by the side of the road and her cig burns down to a nub.
Good/terrible news though: Angela’s passport arrives the next day. So she packs up all of her MAGA gear and purse for Michael’s mother (with the Lord’s Prayer emblazoned on it), telling her daughter, Scottie, that all will be well. “She should trust me. But I’ve never been nowhere outside of the United States,” says Angela, mother of the year and Mensa candidate.
Scottie reminds us that she is actually older than Michael, and that Angela is basically a world class dunce for believing that going to meet her Nigerian Prince is a bright idea. Oh, Scottie. Why couldn’t you hide that passport for just ONE MORE WEEK? “She’s going all the way across the country to get a man!” chides Scottie, who is obviously also geographically challenged.
Somehow, Angela arrives in Lagos, Nigeria, where she’ll soon run screaming out of the airport into the waiting
frightened arms of Michael. 24 hours earlier, we see Michael at home with his mother and siblings. His hero is Donald Trump, and he tells us he’d like to meet him when he comes to America. In fact, he keeps Trump’s framed picture in his house in homage to his dream.
Michael’s friends support his business ambitions, but not his plan to wed Angela. “She’s just like your grandma!” they exclaim when they hear Angela is in her 50’s…and is also literally a grandmother. Michael doesn’t care. If Angela is his ambassador of future Trump mentoring, he’s in. Um…who’s gonna tell Michael that his plan isn’t, erm, the soundest? You? Me? Nah. Let’s just leave it to fate!
Now that Jesse is in the U.S., Darcey hopes he’ll start being less of an enormous pr*ck. Alas, nothing has changed. So plan B is to introduce this total pri*k to her daughters! Nice.
Before that happens, Darcey wants to reignite their “soulful love” <puke> by cuddling in a booth and reminding Jesse, “We need to fight for our love.” He’s like, “Uh…yeah.” Jesse still thinks Darcey is a mess, and her immature antics on social media have cost him “business.” Ummmm, like schilling random coffee brands on Instagram, dude? Because last I checked, that was your one and only job. #PersonalTrainerMyAss
After Jesse pokes her one too many times with his snarky commentary, Darcey storms out of the restaurant and bawls her head off on the street. Unperturbed, Jesse just sloooooowly savors each bit of his American meal inside. No more need for his meal ticket.
Leaving her last pathetic shred of dignity on the sidewalk, Darcey slinks back into the restaurant to give Jesse the room key – then to apologize. (!?!?!) Jesse barks, “OWN IT! Then we move on,” next delivering his rehearsed line, “I love you.” This is all Darcey wants to hear, so of course she immediately snuggles back up with Dutch Psycho. Uggggggggghhhhhh.
Ricky lands in Colombia with a diamond ring, ready to propose to his dream woman, Melissa. Although “Melissa” (whose name will heretofore be put in quotes until we see PROOF OF LIFE) can’t meet Ricky at the airport, he and his fanny pack are undeterred! He shall meet her at a restaurant tonight, even though she has responded to ZERO of his text messages, Ricky still buys her flowers and plans on showing up. “It’s gonna be a great day!” cheers Ricky. Oh lord, you guys – I can’t! I CANNOT. Please, someone, anyone…H-E-L-P.
At the restaurant later, Ricky sits behind a plant and waits. And waits. And waits some more. With a fanny pack and flowers. The camera crew is probably cringing even more than we are at this point, but somehow, they nobly continue on their fool’s errand of filming the any-moment-now-arrival of “Melissa.” But wait – PLOT TWIST! “Melissa” finally texts Ricky back that she’s running late and will be there at 7:30. “I can’t wait to meet her!” chirps Ricky, watching 7:30 come and go. Well, neither can we, Ricky. Neither. Can. We.
To Be Continued…
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
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Photo Credit: TLC