The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Jamaica! Whip out the Red Stripe, culturally insensitive dreadlocks hats, and Shannon Beador‘s giant suitcase full of complaints and neurosis. Who’s excited!?
The women arrive at the airport at 4:15 am, but at approximately 6am (OK it was probably the day the before) Shannon calls Tamra Judge to complain that she’s too fat to fit into anything she owns so she’s not bringing a bathing suit or tank tops. To a tropical island. Tamra’s advice: “Stop Eating!” Shannon must’ve found something to fit – Kyle Richards Kaftan Kollection? – because a couple hours later, after being awake all night, Shannon showed up at the airport with two enormous bags. At least one of those bags was filled with a feng shui kit, essential oils, 873 types of vitamins, several different types of cleansing machines, plus all of Shannon’s 83957295798476 anxieties, animosities, and insecurities – including a framed photo of David snarfing tequila chips.
Because she’s married to the king of snarcasm, Emily Simpson‘s suitcase had “Not Yours” graffitied on the side. Kelly Dodd is shocked to realize that the only thing she owns is hooker clothes – she’s just now figuring this out? I assume Gina Kirschenpleaseshutupaboutyourdivorce packed all the bikinis she bought to wear on her last gasp couples trip with Matt, but never did and – honestly WHO cares.
Apparently these women didn’t expect the Caribbean to be hot and humid. Vicki Gunvalson says the hotel AC is broken, but probably she’s just having hot flashes. Oh well, at least she won’t be getting her period in her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie-white-bikini! What Vicki is getting is to have Steve’s conch and eat it 4 times a day too! Yes, we had to hear all about how conch shell makes you horny but Vicki does not need that – no ma’am! GROOOOOSSSS!
Almost immediately the drama starts when it comes to picking rooms. Kelly jokes that Shannon should stay with Emily and Gina. Shannon deadpans, “No.” Then hides behind Vicki and Tamra’s maxi dresses, leaving Kelly no choice but to share with the newbies. She doesn’t mind, because she likes them, and also she understands that it takes Shannon the equivalent of Jupiter’s lunar cycle and several screaming outbursts, drinking fits, and hideous sequined tops before she warms up. So good news Gina all you have to do is wait 2+ years, accuse Shannon’s husband of cheating or call her a c-u-next-tuesday, or let her conspire to get you naked wasted on an international vacation, then you’re good! For now though, Gina is shocked by Shannon’s “rude balls” but Emily is fine – she’d rather be in the sorority house than the old folks home. Finding herself lumped in with the ‘old ladies,’ has Tamra desperate to prove she’s still young, hot, and fun!
And sure enough while they’re partying with the windows open to an ocean breeze, Shannon is whining that they all have to stay shut in the room or they’ll catch the Zika virus. Kelly is confused. Even though she loooooves reading about historical tragedies and laughing over all the people who died at the hands of foreign conquerors, disease, and probably pregnancy, she never got to the section about Zika and thought it only happens if you’re pregnant. So given that Shannon just had a celibate-tory dinner, is afraid to masturbate (according to Tamra) and was married to David, plus doesn’t believe in premarital old folks sex, she is clearly not knocked up. Although bring on the drama that storyline would contain!!!!!!
Vicki looks pregnant in her dinner dress, though, which turns out to be the least of her concerns when she starts swelling up from heat at the dinner table, making her plastic surgery look like it was melting off while her face turned red, then white, until Tamra and Kelly pour water down her shirt and all over her head. They were wiping her clean from all her sins and baptizing her anew. It was a glorious moment… especially if you were a random patron at that restaurant!
Shannon, however, learned that her rental home was sold so she has to move once her lease is up and cue the hysteria, breakdowns, and outbursts! In this case she snaps at Kelly for trying to remind her of how fortunate she is and suggesting she volunteer at the soup kitchen for some perspective, then Shannon literally turns away to stare at her phone when Gina started talking. I mean I get that – who wants to keep hearing about Gina’s divorce! Which is literally the only thing she has to talk about and the only thing we know about Gina other than her being from New Yawk, which is where people give birth to animal children (at least that also happened to me).
After dinner there was twerking and Emily tried to ingratiate herself to Shannon by slapping her ass. Emily really, really needs to stop letting Shane give her social advice…
The next morning Shannon complains that the dancing hurt her ankle so now she can barely hobble to the holistic spa with Vicki and Kelly to lie in chairs made from Himalayan sea salt, which is supposed to remove toxins. DIDN’T WORK! In a shocking turn of events it is KELLY, not Shannon, who complains about ailments because she has a mysterious rash on her arm, and she’s never had a rash before and does anyone know what this rash is, and could she die from it, and she doesn’t know because she’s never had a rash before… so now she’s starting a band called The Rashes and their first album, as titled by Vicki, will be called Broken Record Rash.
Shannon didn’t even bring a bathing suit so she wouldn’t get into the mineral pool until Vicki and Kelly tackled her. But they were laughing a lot and having fun, which makes me feel sad that Vicki and Kelly aren’t friends anymore. This is your fault Vicki!
Meanwhile one of the Tres Amigas defected to the beach with Gina and Emily. That would be Tamra who escaped to tell about the haunting of Shannon Beador, who has morphed into the tale of Sad Shannon, a lady who never smiled again and who every day woke up with a negative comment and a scowl on her face.
I understand that Tamra feels burdened by Shannon’s nonstop cesspool of need, want, and negative energy, and Eddie is right that Tamra enables Shannon’s dysfunction because she feels sorry for her, but she shouldn’t be trash talking her bestie to Emily and Gina – two women who don’t like Shannon and are pissed that she doesn’t want to be their friends. In fairness to Shannon, though, she hasn’t necessarily been rude to either one of them until the The Great Jamaican Room Divide, which is more stressful to Gina than dividing her assets in the divorce. In fact Tamra marvels that Gina is the example of what a divorcee should be: someone thrilled and excited about their newfound freedom. Which of course Tamra was because she couldn’t wait to rid herself of Simon! Shannon, on the other hand, is wallowing in singleness like it’s akin to David giving his mistress Zika on Shannon’s organic memory foam mattress.
When Tamra meets back up with Shannon and Vicki in their room, which is sweltering with all the windows closed and the stifling oppression of Shannon’s unhappiness, they sense they’ve been betrayed. Shannon is so paranoid, or else one of her ampule vitamin concoctions made from locks of David’s hair, tortilla chip crumbs, a shred of vow renewal dress, six shots of vodka, and a squeeze of one lemon has given her the power of sensing when she’s been betrayed so she straight up asks Tamra if she laughed at her with Emily and Gina. Tamra, of course, lies with a straight face. Tamra wouldn’t know how to be a friend if she read “Friendship For Dummies”. Why doesn’t she just talk to Shannon?
The next day they go river rafting, and guess what guiyzs, Gina has a fear of cloudy water which is why she never does the dishes or like washes her face, so now she’s scairt to get on the raft, and omg! The rafts are made for two, so Shannon whispers to Vicki that they should go together. Which pisses Tamra off, because they’re in 4th grade and Tamra is Shannon’s bestest friend, not Vicki! Vicki is overjoyed to be in the middle though, because Vicki thinks it proves that she’s popular. Consider the sources.
Kelly, in a rare adulting moment, describes Shannon and Tamra as “co-dependent” and notes that their friendship is weird. Tamra doesn’t even like Shannon and complains about her non-stop, and Shannon is just basically looking for a sounding board for her vast array of complaints, neurosis, and panic attacks, a sounding board which she turns off when anyone else needs to vent. Yet Tamra lives in fear of Shannon abandoning her and turning on her. Tamra should be happy though – she gets to ride with Kelly in her leopard-print jungle bathing suit!
Still all the way to the rafts, even after they’re all refortified by Red Stripe, Tamra pulls a Shannon by complaining to Kelly about Shannon abandoning her. Everyone is constantly complaining to Kelly this season and all Kelly wants to do is get laid and mop floors. Shannon ditching Tamra was a blessing in disguise though, because beer gives Shannon gas so now Vicki is stuck with Shanazuma’s Revenge! Then Vicki got bug spray in her eye, which swelled up of course so Vicki panicked that she’s blinded and needs to get to the hospital ASAP so someone pour Red Stripe in her eye, then cover it with Kelly’s bikini to wait for the river doctor!
Those two were up the river pretty quick so maybe Shannon used her gassiness to super-power the boat so it reached the other bar quicker? Sure enough as soon as the raft landed Vicki and Shannon ran to the booze and cried to the poor, trapped bartender who really didn’t need to hear about the time Vicki dated a dictator who stole her heart and fed it to nubile virgins as life insurance policies, so now she lives in fear of Steve leaving her. Even Shannon had to wander away from this crap — she probably went to take a poop. While this was happening everyone else hopped on a rope swing until Tamra’s bikini top fell off and she flashed everyone. Nothing says buzzkill like Tamra’s nipples!
By the time they find Shannon and Vicki, Shannon immediately senses that she’s missed out on fun. She’s also annoyed that Tamra had said fun without her permission and nagging warnings, so Shannon starts throwing a tantrum about being hot and needing to get back on the bus. NOW. Tamara suggests she get in the river to cool off, but SHANNON DOES NOT WANT ZIKA, so she stomps off to hide in the bus grumbling to herself like an old lady after church. Gee, Shannon is so fun, isn’t she?!
TELL US – WAS TAMRA BEING MEAN TO SHANNON? OR IS SHANNON A TOTAL BUZZKILL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]