Last night, we met five of the six couples who will take the 90 Day Fiance plunge for season six of the TLC hit series, with Steven and Olga waiting in the wings until next week to make their debut. But we had more than enough cringeworthy footage with the five couples TLC served up, so take heart!
I mean, after you see a grown man feeding a cat its treat, mouth-to-mouth, do you really need anything more in your life? (Well, besides some ginger ale and a bucket since you just likely threw up everywhere…) No, you certainly do not. Besides that gem of a scene, we were served up some seriously insane backstories on all five of our star crossed lovers, so let’s recap their questionable life choices, one by one. Settle in…this is gonna be a long, strange trip.
With these two, it’s gonna be all about the American family hating on the foreign dude. Think “The Family Chantel” – minus the tiny cowboy hats, plus one baby out of wedlock – and you have Kalani and Asuelu’s fateful journey.
Backstory: Kalani comes from an upper middle class family in Orange County who’s run by a doting mother an authoritarian, Samoan-born father. They’re also Mormon, which Kalani says helped instill strict values in her as a young woman – not too strict to prevent her from getting knocked up upon losing her virginity to Asuelo when she was on vacation in Samoa though! Whoopsie.
Since the birth of their son, Kalani and Asuelu have been working on getting his K1 visa approved, and the time has finally come. The Air B&B has been rented, and we all know what this means: Da trowing of shoes cometh! But there’s another problem – Kalani has spun some tall tales about Asuelu cheating on her (she admits now that they were actually “on a break”) so her sister, who she’s very close with, already loathes him. Plus, Father Kalani straight up doesn’t trust ANYONE from his home country, so Asuelu won’t be getting any love from him either.
When Kalani finally admits to her sister, —–, that she stretched the truth about Asuelu “cheating” just to garner sympathy, both sisters break down in tears. —— doesn’t know what to believe anymore. She just wants her sister to be happy – and to stop playing both sides against one another, obvs. Oh, Sister Kalani! Please don’t let your family get a lot more stupider by giving way to this tactic. No need for anyone to remove earrings just yet. I mean, how do we know whether Asuelu is all about harvesting the American dollar or not until we actually see him in action?
Whoa – this might be the strangest twist of 90 Day frauding yet. A rich woman from Indonesia whose family has maids, butlers, car service, an enormous apartment, and live-in cooks wants to marry a divorced, poor hoarder from BARABOO, WISCONSIN?!? What confusing f**kery is this, I ask you? (And yes, I can legit call it f**kery because I am a Wisconsin gal myself, thank you, and ain’t no rich, pampered foreign love interests lining up to move to my town! #MakingAMurderer #JustSayin)
Yet this is the situation that Eric and Leida are allegedly in. Divorced dad of three, Eric coparents amicably with his very sane and very sweet ex-wife, who doesn’t even read him the riot act when he talks about moving a 29-year old (and her small child) into his apartment. Eric’s oldest & youngest daughters seem supportive as well, although mildly confused.
It’s Eric’s middle daughter, who – while rocking some seriously confrontational hair (hey – you do you, boo!) – actually confronts Dad about his master plan. She’s also the one affected most, as she lives in Eric’s apartment and splits the rent with him. This is not going to sit well with Leida, who already resents the fact that Eric “has” to pay child support to his ex-wife for his youngest daughter.
Leida is used to being pampered by her family, something Eric is not familiar with whatsoever. And let’s be real: Eric isn’t even familiar with a broom, dish soap, drawer storage, or the concept of laundry – so he for sure has no concept of standards of living even slightly approaching “fancy.” (See above photo evidence.) Fancy for Eric = a Pabst on the porch. And while I wholeheartedly endorse his commitment to keeping it real, Leida obviously has no clue what she’s walking into.
Two other things Leida has no idea about: The fact that 1) Eric’s daughter is refusing to move out, and 2) paying child support is not only U.S. law, it’s also the right thing to do as a parent, crazy lady! Jeesh.
In the small pond of Lumberton, Jonathan thinks of himself as a very big fish. So big, in fact, that he never expected to settle down with one woman. Why settle for one when you can have your pick of Lumberton’s finest? A real estate agent with a smarmy grin, Jonathan “fell in love” with a teenager on the dancefloor at a club in Puerto Vallarta. And no, this is not an episode of Dateline – this is 90 Day Fiance at its finest, yo.
Fernanda has since agreed to marry her Prince Charming and move to North Carolina to be his wedded wife. In preparation for his new life as a huzzzzzzband, Jonathan has done the following: Purchased his fiance new boobs, full stop. Oh wait – he’s also consulted with his only single female friend, a woman who questions his long-term commitment to microbrews, let alone a wife. She thinks he’s crazy and has no idea what he’s doing. He thinks everything will be perfect. Then again, he also thinks of himself as a “successful” realtor. <side eye>
Yes, this is Planning-By-Jonathan at its finest. Oh! He’s also wearing his own cheesy “engagement ring” (not to be confused with an appreciation ring) to prepare himself for marriage. But let’s reflect on his other preparations… Has he washed even one t-shirt for the trip he’s making to pick Fernanda up in Mexico? NO. Has he cleared out his car’s trunk so his weary bride can throw her suitcase in it after she lands? NAH. Has he purchased a bed? NOSIREE.
Fine. But surely he’s removed the DIRTY UNDERWEAR OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST from his dresser drawers before Fernanda can find them literally within 5 minutes of entering his bedroom?????? Sigh. Of course he hasn’t! Thus, we’re left to wonder…how slow is this actual motherf**ker? Because, dude, the self-sabotage is real with this one.
Bottom line: Fernanda’s arrival in the U.S. isn’t at all what she expected. Now she’s left to ponder whether this guy who funded her plastic surgery is really her Romeo after all, or if he’s just a horny mid-level realtor who got carried away on a Mexican vacation.
Speaking of bad decisions one makes on vacation, let’s recap Ashley and Jay’s love story! Ashley is a single mom of two and bartender, who attended a friend’s wedding in Jamaica, where she met Jay. Barely legal, Jay has admittedly been around the block – even professing to have lost his virginity at eight years of age. What Jay calls “losing his virginity,” some might call a child sex CRIME, but we won’t get into that right now. UGH.
Jay pursued Ashley on social media after she left Jamaica, which she claims, turned into a romance that took her back to visit him once more. After just a few days together on her second trip to Jamaica, Ashley was dragged up on stage at the all-inclusive resort and proposed to. Of course, she accepted. Jay is apparently used to getting his way with women, even women he’s stolen from his own father in the past. YES…we heard that right.
Now Jay is coming to PA on a K1 visa to marry her, and Ashley doesn’t care what anyone has to say about it – especially her best friend, who thinks Jay is a cheating, lying, scamming P.O.S. who is just using Ashley for a ticket out of his country. Wonder why she thinks that? Hmm. Maybe because literally every video we see of Jay is of him gyrating on a different woman, or simply air-humping himself in front of the mirror. #GyratingByJay
Ashley tries to play Jay’s flirtatious nature off as “just who he is,” even outright brushing off rumors of cheating. In fact, if Jesus himself told her that Jay had slept with another woman while they’ve been engaged, Ashley says she wouldn’t care. Um, okay, chica. But what about if Google Tracking told you? Or maybe the potential STD you’re going to contract gave you a heads up? Might you care, then??? Ashley’s friend’s facial response is all of us right now.
In Jamaica, Jay’s sister casually bids farewell to her brother, telling him he’d better clean up his act if he’s going to get that green card. Or, ahem, become a good and loving husband to his future wife. Whatever! He plans to play the part as long as necessary, or at least for 90 days.
Oh, you know we had to save this couple for last, and you know why. If it looks like a serial killer, it lives with its mom like a serial killer, and it dresses its cats up in costumes like a serial killer…well. You do the math.
Colt is a self-professed “tech nerd” who happily lives in the suburbs of Las Vegas with his doting mother and doesn’t want you to be jealous just because he’s been talking to hot babes on the internet all day, Napoleon.
With multiple failed relationships behind him (which I’m gonna need to see proof of life on before I believe even ONE human woman partnered with this guy in the past), Colt has taken his search global. When he found Larissa on a Brazilian dating site, he was smitten immediately. Thus, after only five days of meeting her in person, he proposed. And because Larissa is no 19-year old fool just trolling for some free plastic surgery, she locked that sh*t down immediately.
Colt’s overprotective mom is in for a wild ride when Larissa comes over to rule the roost. And Colt’s cousin and his wife (who sported a jaunty floral wreath on her head for her TV moment!) think he’s rushing into a potentially dangerous situation too – although they do just want him to
find an actual human to copulate with be happy. Also, Cousin Colt wonders if Colt has a secret weapon he’s wooing the ladies with. #12inches
Now Colt is in the precarious position of making lifetime payments on the bride he thought he’s already bought with a ring. Because, you guys, Larissa is definitely the new Anfisa – this chick is all about that “BRING ME MY RED BAG WITH MY MAKEUP!” attitude.
First of all, she demands that he change her flight several times due to her K1 visa being delayed, then sped up again. When Colt refuses to pay thousands of dollars for another flight change, Larissa is all “WHY? You are an American! Don’t you want to please me?” She’s disgusted by Colt’s inability to throw money at any problem, including her. Or she’s playing games with Colt already, making sure he knows how this long-term transaction is going to go down?
But something tells me Larissa isn’t here to play. On one hand, I’m totally here for Larissa turning Colt’s world upside down. On the other hand, I kinda foresee her standing in a pit being told, “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.”
Whatever happens, I’ll be back here next week to recap it all! Don’t be afraid, jump on in to the 90 Day Fiance cesspool of craziness with us. (Promise, it’s SO worth it, and you only feel a little bit dirty afterward.)
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHO’S STORY ARE YOU ALREADY HOOKED ON? WILL ANY TRUE LOVE BLOOM THIS SEASON?
Photo Credit: TLC