Last night’s season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about Porsha Williams turning right instead of left and finding Prince Charming – aka The Hot Dog King Of Atlanta, and hopefully getting a big ol diamond ring out of it. HINT, MEGA-HINT, HINT.
As we alll know Porsha is dating Dennis, who owns several clubs in addition to The Original Hotdog Factory. “Everybody loves hot dogs!” Porsha cheers, “Especially me!” And Dennis’s wienie in particular. Porsha met Dennis at one of his clubs, then went home with him. Porsha and Dennis’s one-night stand has now turned into ring shopping. He apparently told her he loved her the first night they met. “It just feels natural and we just went with it,” she gushes.
Porsha drags Dennis to her jeweler – the same one who provided her rings to Kordell, because, “Different man, different right, right?!” And bigger girl, bigger diamonds too! She’s a grown up now, no more playing housewives with a man who acts like her father. Also, it’s not like the jeweler cursed their marriage – RHOA did.
After diamond browsing, Porsha swings by Swagg Boutique to check in on NeNe Leakes. And NeNe is not doing well. Gregg has been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer – which I didn’t know his cancer was so advanced! – and most of his colon was removed. NeNe is taking care of him, and trying to be strong, but in her car and at night she cries. Gregg is determined to fight – if only to have more time with his wife – so they host a revitalizing prayer circle of family and friends to boost his spirit and keep him strong. NeNe gets Porsha for her spirit boosting! Gregg looks so ill and depleted, I am heartbroken for this family. And alas I just cannot make fun of NeNe’s confessional hat at a time like this. So she gets a pass, because of Gregg.
Porsha came to Swagg because she just had to see NeNe’s face to truly understand where she is. They speak on the phone regularly, but Porsha knows NeNe is hiding her true feelings and has decided to make it her sole mission (other than getting a ring) to make NeNe laugh to cheer her up. And Porsha, bless her heart, she is ride or die about shaking her booty for a friend in need.
Dennis is taking Porsha to Miami to celebrate her birthday and guess what – NeNe is also headed there for a comedy gig. NeNe somehow talks Porsha into trying on this tie-dyed two-piece number which looked like a Crayola box exploded on Porsha’s ass, or maybe like one of those Jackson Pollak paintings that sell for millions.
NeNe wants to see what’s cooking with Porsha and her Swagg outfit. The answer is stir-fried crazy. Crazier than a tye-dyed spandex outfit.
What’s also cooking is that Porsha has a brilliant idea. Well, at least for her it’s brilliant. She – ahem, the producers – decide this is the perfect opportunity for Porsha to plan a girl’s trip to surprise NeNe in Miami to cheer her up. Yes, I’m so sure Porsha came up with this all on her own. Just like I’m so sure Porsha and NeNe just so happened to be traveling to Miami at the exact same time…
Next, let’s check in on Cynthia Bailey. Fifty Cynt turned out to be a bad year, but Fifty Cynt & Change is doing OK. Cynthia is now dating – and quite serious with – Mike Hill, a sportscaster who lives in LA, but visits Lake Bailey regularly to dive into its cool, swampy waters. Mike calls for some Skype-Sex and Cynthia is all prepared with a glass of wine swimming with frozen green grapes so it looks like she’s drinking a witch’s brew filled with eyeballs. Then in the middle of Mike telling her how he likes to be in control, Noelle walks in unannounced. Noelle and Mike have met, and like each other – so much so that Mike and Cynthia almost continue their raunchy talk while she’s sitting on the sofa taking a selfie. Classy!
For Kandi Burrrus her personal life is problematic while her professional one is hitting the highest notes ever. Starting with Xscape being honored with an aascap Golden Note Award. The award is all fine and good, but the really important matter for these Ol Girls of the 90’s music scene is what craft services will be serving backstage. Um, aascap isn’t using OLG as their caterers? Aunt Bertha won’t be personally presiding over the koolaid kocktails while terrorizing the other esteemed attendees? Apparently not because it doesn’t even appear that Mama Joyce attended.
Instead, Kandi brought her toddler and Riley, neither of whom want to be there. Kandi is shocked that Ace is cranky and crying – she doesn’t even seem to realize what time he goes to bed. Probably because, as Riley points out, Kandi is constantly working and never home. Todd is essentially running “Daddy Daycare,” but while he’s at the bar getting a much needed drink after finally escaping the kids, Don Jaun Daycare had to take over while Kandi grimaced from the red carpet. Girl time to hire a NANNY.
We also need to take a moment to truly honor the star of that show: Kandi’s weave. It must have been supplied by Porsha’s Go Naked Hair!
Of course, while Kandi is missing school meetings she forgot were even scheduled (OK I’ve done that too) and being publicly called out by her teenager for ignoring home responsibilities, she’s contemplating another baby because duh – she has two frozen embryos left which she’s not sure what to do with. Yes – another stupid embryo storyline! Really Bravo… you have got to cook up some new recipes. Let Porsha get into that kitchen and open the oven
and stuff a hotdog bun in there or something.
Eva Marcille had Michael Jr, and is now engaged to regular-old Michael. Basically, everything is great except that her wedding is in about 6 minutes but she has no wedding planner or anything else done. However, she does have professional family photographs with everyone wearing denim-on-denim like this is 1992. So priorities. After taking a couple photos with the kids, Eva quickly shoos them away, kicks off her Louboutins and turns this into The Eva Show to relaunch her modeling career. Does ANTM do a senior series? Wasn’t LeeAnne Locken on something like that way back when?
Porsha comes home carrying a Chick-Fil-A cup the size of her head and announces that she’s going to call all the girls to invite them to Miami on a mission trip to recharge NeNe’s batteries. She’s scared though because she’s well aware that none of her s0-called friends even like her! She starts with Cynthia, who is too busy sucking on frozen grapes to be mean and having nothing to do, is an easy yes. Next Porsha downs a shot of Hennessy to give Kandi a call. Kandi was just telling us how much she loves to work, so she had no problem jetting off to Miami at a moment’s notice and ditching her kids (again) to fulfill her Bravo contractual obligations. Everyone else, obviously, can go because these trips are sooo authentic!
Porsha pats herself on the back for being brave enough to work the telephone and surprisingly everyone was nice. Even Kandi. Good things happen when you project your happiness to the world in the form of constant hair flips and high pitched shrieking giggles. Porsha in love is worse than five 8th grader girls.
Porsha prepared for Miami by packing all white, because she’s having a very bridal moment – hopefully – and then adding a bring red wig to signify love. Also red is the color of ketchup – which pairs perfectly with hot dogs! I assume Porsha is no longer vegan? If Dennis doesn’t propose in the next 5 minutes she’s gonna explode like a hotdog cooked too long in the microwave! When he arrives to pick her up and fly her in a private plane, Porsha is literally bursting with glee and practically levitating at the thought of being proposed to during the trip. Did I mention that they’ve only been together five months?
Meanwhile, NeNe is calling Cynthia hourly to beg her to come to Miami where she’ll be doing her first comedy show since Gregg’s diagnosis. Cynthia is the worst liar ever and stumbles over pretending she has to get off the phone for conference calls and phone sex and any other reason, oh my! Then she’s so flustered she packs the wardrobe equivalent of Porsha’s personality.
Driving to their hotel, Porsha prattles on about how she has so much to do in Miami like wear WHITE. A LOT. And make NeNe feel better by showing off her GIANT ENGAGEMENT RING, but there are no plans to introduce Dennis to the girls. Porsha wants to protect him from them eating him alive. Dennis actually already knows Kandi… from around. No details given. Also, he used to frequent OLG Restaurant on the regular, being that he lives right across the street, but since meeting Porsha he hasn’t partaken in their fried chicken. Hmmm… so do we think Dennis is a famewhore? Or something else? Porsha is choosing to remain unbothered by this revelation because she is much more focused on the fact that Dennis could be proposing this weekend. HINT HINT.
Dennis has the room all prepared with a private chef to make gourmet food, and WHITE (hint hint!) rose petals on the bed and we all know what white rose petals mean… THERE IS A RING HIDING IN PORSHA’S SALMON STEAK. Like a bad sitcom, Porsha runs into the bathroom to frantically call her sister, whispering about how she knows this is the night. She’s in there so long Dennis finally asks if everything is OK. Cause nothing says sexy like your man thinking you have explosive diarrhea!
Finally, Porsha sits down on the bed and Dennis whips out a giant jewelry box and … TO BE CONTINUED.
Also, of course, Dennis knows Kandi. And of course, Kandi will know something nasty about him.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK DENNIS WILL PROPOSE? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CYNTHIA’S MAN? ARE YOU EXCITED EVA HAS JOINED THE CAST FULL-TIME?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]