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Shannon Beador

Ugh, I am tired of talking about Shannon Beador! It’s literally the only topic of conversation on Real Housewives Of Orange County and to be honest, Shannon and her histrionic meltdowns are just not that exciting after 4 seasons of watching them. The other big thing that happened was that Vicki Gunvalson altered her face again, so woohoo! At this point how does TSA even verify her identity???

This time Vicki is having her jaw lifted so she doesn’t have saggy chinskin being that she’s in denial about looking like the grandmother she is. And also because according to Gina KirschenDOstopspeaking the second you walk through the gates of Coto you sign your life away to Botox. And probably Vicki has done so much of it, she’s now immune.

Vicki

Steve is obviously tired of Vicki’s fascinating life as a plastic surgery guinea pig and suggests that this be her last nip and tuck. Especially since Vicki has been dealing with an inner ear tumor since childhood and has had countless surgeries … which she didn’t tell her plastic surgeon about.

What type of person is about to go under anesthesia but doesn’t tell their doctor about a serious lifelong medical condition? I also love that just to quell the I DID NOT FAKE AN INNER EAR TUMOR I AM NOT A CROOK reaction Vicki released photographic proof of her ear issue. Either that or her plastic surgery addiction started before the dawn of color photography? Is Vicki actually 125 but has had so many procedures she looks an immature 50ish?

Furthermore, Steve was way too calm about the prospect of Vicki not informing her doctor. He was probably thinking Woo HOO! You know Vicki has life insurance! I hope she left me the key to Coto in her will so I don’t have to move back in with my mommy.

Another indicator that you’ve had way too much plastic surgery – nonchalantly joking about your will in the waiting room and whining that dying would be such a hassle because LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES DON’T SELL THEMSELVES. “I do want to be resuscitated if I die,” Vicki declares, “I have a lot of things to do this week.”

Then, because this is the facelift that never ends, just before going under the knife Vicki gets a steroid injection which gives her the ‘Hoo-hah buzz’ “It feels like there’s a blowtorch in my crotch!” she shrieks. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I hope she and Steve aren’t trying to replicate this feeling at home!

Vicki after surgery

Vicki emerges from surgery looking like a Q-Tip but remembering her gasoline hoo-hah tells Steve she has no panties on. Then she goes to a hotel with a giant scarf over her face, reminiscent of last year’s bathrobe evacuation in Iceland. Um, if you don’t want anyone to see you post-op, perhaps don’t get plastic surgery on reality TV?!

Steve is actually sweet and I really appreciated him this episode. Steve is probably the perfect person for Vicki after all. He validates her in all the ways she wants and needs, yet has enough reserve to not be too in the mix. Plus he has a sedative effect on Vicki. He takes her from WOO HOO to Woo hoooooome by 9:30pm and whooping it up only on the weekends (and girls trips and insurance trips and …).

Since Shannon and Vicki are now sharing a brain, Shannon is ALSO getting plastic surgery! I’m actually shocked they didn’t get hospital beds next to each other so they could whoop it up in post-op doing shots from hospital juice cups.

Shannon plastic surgery

Shannon is doing plastic surgery lite by only having her eyelids tucked. She’ll have to get Feng Shui then consult her crystal lemons and get a tea leaf reading from her doula-puncturist and have Dr. Moon read her auras with his calisthenics cups before she goes full Gunvalson facelift. But this is a good start because without the excess skin hanging in her eyes when Shannon finally decides to start dating again she’ll be able to see whether or not the guy is a douche! Kelly Dodd, who takes Shannon to the hospital, thinks the eye lift will lead immediately to P in the V, with a lovely accompanying finger puppet illustration.

Shannon turns eyelet recovery into a treatise of how being divorced is devastating because no one understands that not having a partner leaves her plate full of nothing but empty carbs instead of cheese salmon! Now Shannon has to rely on her 16-year-old daughter to take care of her. I’m sure she’s making Sophie dial Tamra Judges‘s number at 2 am.

Tamra confesses to Eddie the dirty little secret of her stealthily taking Shannon’s frantic calls in the middle of the night. Then she blames Eddie’s heart problem on why their sex life has dried up. But really the guy is going through enough – does his wife really have to out his medication-induced erectile dysfunction on TV? Eddie warns Tamra that she needs to stop enabling Shannon… I feel like this convo was taped after the season wrapped because Tamra tells Eddie she feels bad for venting to her friends, instead of talking to Shannon directly. Hmmm….

Shane and Emily

Shane and Emily Simpson go to her therapist to find resolution about what to do with their remaining embryos. For this momentous event, Shane wears white socks with sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt with cargo shorts. He looks like a WARP Tour reject transported from 1997, as if trying to signify to the therapist “No way brah, am I ready for like more dad-hood and like emotional stuffs! Shayne’s World! Totally excellent!” (NOOOOT)

This is in bad taste. I shouldn’t be mocking Shane while Emily is sobbing with grief over having several miscarriages including losing twins at 4 months gestation. Heartbreaking. Truly heartbreaking and Emily’s sorrow is still so raw. Understandably so. When she lost the twins, the hospital gave her a box with mementos, but she’s never opened it and her therapist recommends this as the next step.

Emily Simpson

For some strange reason, this precious box is stored in the laundry room cabinet. Maybe out of sight out of mind is easier for Emily? When she finally looks inside she finds microscopic foot and hand prints from her babies as well as a condolence note from her grandmother. As Emily dries her tears she realizes opening this box was the right thing to do, but she still has no idea what to do with her embryos. “I still don’t feel like I have any closure. I think closure is just a bullshit term that people use that doesn’t really mean anything. But I think Shane is right – I have a lot to celebrate. I have three beautiful children now.” Shane, of course, had no emotions or response. Totally awesome!

Gina has moved into the casita. It’s Gina’s She-Sita, you guys! It’s essentially a studio apartment. But Gina has never lived a-lowne and she like maaaahrieeed Matt when she was too young so this is like going back to collidge for a few days when Matt can actually manage the hour-long drive from LA to OC to see the kids.

Tamra's son turns 18

The very second Tamra’s son turns 18, to spite Simon, Tamra throws him a televised birthday party like “HA now that he’s a grown-up I can put him on Bravo and you can stop me!” Who’s the grownup? #RhetoricalQuestion This party was also a way for Tamra to show off what a stellar mother she was because Spencer has turned into such a great kid.

Spencer plans to become a psychologist. And proving that he’ll need it at the party, Tamra brags that her 18-year-old son has never had alcohol, and Tamra’s mom is aghast that Spencer plans to keep it that way. These people do realize the legal drinking age is 21, right? To her credit, Tamra seems to have no idea how Spencer came from her… ME EITHER.

One day post-op Shannon is ready for visitors to hear her complain about the agonizing process, and when Shannon removes the bandages she has two enormous black eyes.

Gina tells Shannon about Tamra

Shannon and Gina’s relationship has sure progressed quickly! It went from Shannon barely acknowledging Gina’s existence, to Gina bringing her food post-surgery. Doesn’t Shannon have some frozen QVC meals she can reheat?! But Gina isn’t here bringing soup, she’s the bearer of bad news. That bad news being all the horrible things Tamra has been saying about Shannon behind her back. Like that Shannon is crazy and self-centered, and needy, possibly needs mental help, and is staying up all night crying and calling people. “Wow, perfect timing,” scoffs Shannon. “Lemme tell me what someone who just had eye surgery probably shouldn’t do: cry.” And for once I completely agree with Shannon’s assessment!

“It’s coming from a place of concern for Shannon,” Gina insists. Who also throws in that Tamra was only talking about Shannon out of her own concern. Um, Gina – you might want to look up the definition of the word “concern,” cause I’m concerned that you don’t know what it means!

Don’t you just love Kelly in this scene? After she’s the one who tells Shannon that Tamra is talking shit (while never fessing up to doing it herself), she just sits back and lets Gina do the dirty work. There she is, in her 80’s private school girl costume, arms crossed as she twists her head back and forth between Shannon and Gina; accessing the damage and also kind of realizing that she’s live-time watching Gina destroy herself. The moral, according to Kelly, is stand-back from the co-dependent crazies! “For Gina to even get involved… it’s like not going to win, girl!”

Aaaaaand, of course, the very second Gina is out the door, Shannon calls Tamra to cry/whine/rant/complain/vent/seek reassurance. Didn’t Eddie mention something about how he was proud of Tamra for putting her broken foot down?

Aaaaand coincidentally Tamra gets this call right as she’s preparing to meet Gina, Kelly, and Emily for drinks. This time Kelly is dressed up like a character from Grease. Before she even sits down Gina realizes something is very wrong and that Shannon has turned her ‘concerned chat’ into a cause for alarm. Although Gina says Shannon also called her to cry that she could lose custody over whatever allegations the other women are making.

Tamra

Because Tamra has everything to hide and has to do preemptive damage control, she goes full attack and refuses to even hear Gina out. I mean, she’s the ultimate shit-stirrer and has to hide her bad deeds by staying on the offensive! Because Tamra said ALL that shit about her so-called BFF. Not that Gina was in the right, of course. She tried to take advantage of Shannon while she was down, and tried to expose Tamra for the terrible friend she really is but for self-serving purposes. I do admire Gina’s gumption – both her gumption in wearing such atrocious eye makeup on national TV and in taking on Tamra who is a vicious cougar.

This is how good Tamra is at the game: Emily tries to second Gina’s “concern” by mentioning that she sees comparisons between Shannon’s behavior and her mentally ill mother’s.  SO Tamra flips on her fake tears switch and manages to aptly turn Gina’s accusation of betrayal into her sobbing about how much she TRIES to help Shannon and be a good person, but it’s just so hard!!! And Kelly masterfully realizing that she’s gotten out of jail free (for now), consoles Tamra for taking on so much! The worst is that SHANNON will see this as Tamra and Kelly defending her!

Gina

Just when Gina thinks everyone believes she was trying to do the right thing and attempts to redirect the conversation to showing compassion for both Tamra and Shannon, Tamra’s tears stop and she icily snaps with a sneer, “I don’t want to talk about Shannon.” Oh, Gina… lil rookie.

But, um, are Gina and Tamra really fighting over Shannon? Ladies… pick a better prize. Shane’s socks?

TELL US – DID GINA STIR THE POT, OR DID SHE MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN TELLING SHANNON? WILL VICKI STOP GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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