If we thought Clint was going to come to his senses this week, then we – and the judicial systems of Texas and New Mexico – thought wrong. But, hey, we still have two more weeks of Love After Lockup to find out where Tracie is
buying her mothaf*cking crack holing up, and just how much more dignity Clint is willing lose on national TV. So, like the cat posters in our high school guidance counselor’s office suggest: Hang in there!
While Clint is being counseled on the ways of the world by a man who he’s hired to track Tracie down, Caitlin tries to school Matt on how life works. It goes something like this: You grow up, you get a job, you pay for things. Matt has no idea how to accomplish one of these tasks, let alone all three.
Caitlin & Matt
Despite Matt’s obvious love for prison and his total disdain for “freeness,” Caitlin still holds out hope that he’ll shape up. So she takes him apartment shopping. The result? Matt shows up late, stomps around, grunting in various rooms, then tells Caitlin he has no idea why they’re even here.
After the rental agent slowly backs away from the crazies, Caitlin snaps at Matt about his attitude. “Why did you even come if you were going to be like this?” Um, like what? Like THE TOTAL LOSER HE’S BEEN SINCE DAY ONE?!? Wake up, Caitlin!
Matt throws a fit about being pressured to get an apartment when he’s already so stressed out “doing all kinds of things.” To be clear, these things include: living with mommy, getting his underwear washed and folded for him, arguing with prospective employers, and ensuring food doesn’t fall out of his tooth hole.
You guys, he’s BUSY. “I’m doin all these responsible things,” complains Matt. “Taking care ah this, takin care ah that. I don’t do that!” Lord almighty. Caitlin is in deep denial if she thinks this guy isn’t headed back to the slammer, because I’ve never seen someone talk about missing prison so much. The only long term relationship Matt will ever be in is the one he has with his jail cell.
Scott & Lizzie
Not much moves forward with Scott and Lizzie this week, with the exception of Jazmynn’s ultimatum. She is still not thrilled about her mom being engaged to Scott, so she draws a line in the sand: It’s either Scott or her. Lizzie must choose!
Okay, first of all, Lizzie chooses the DOLLA-DOLLA-BILL above all else, grasshopper. And as soon as she finds out that Scott is fresh outta them, she’ll be on her merry way to hunt down the next scraggly dude willing to cash in his 401K for prison letters and no sex. #TeethOptional
To placate her daughter in the meantime, Lizzie calls her engagement ring a “promise ring” that doesn’t really mean she’s getting married anytime soon. But Jazmynn still wants Lizzie to give the ring back if it doesn’t mean anything. The look in Lizzie’s eyes is a heady mix of slow terror and a quick mental mapping of pawn shops in the area. This woman always has a plan B.
Tracie & Clint
Now, when we’re dealing with likes of Clint, we are looking straight into the eyes of a man with absolutely NO plan A, B, C, or F. Basically, he’s royally screwed, but doesn’t want to accept it. Plus, Tracie is in jail again, which seemed to thrill him last week. What jail? Who da f**k knows! Just jail! It matters not to Clint of the perpetual blank stare! Pssssshhhhhht. Clint’s crack pipe is always half full.
Because he has no idea how to track Tracie down, Clint heads over to Mr. Clayton Hightower’s office, a man who can apparently find Goddesses on the loose. The lawyer asks Clint a series of simple questions, which result in answers that basically spell: THIS DRUG ADDICT STOLE ALL YOUR SH*T AND AIN’T NEVER COMING BACK. But Clint professes his undying love, telling this long-suffering dude how much he still wants to make it work with Tracie.
When Hightower calls the jail they think Tracie might be in, he has a hit. Except, oops – she was already released. This means only one thing to Clint: His goddess is FREEEEEE!!! But his lawyer/life coach/father figure/only-sane-person-in-the-room reminds him that since they’re legally married, any trouble she gets in, any debts that pile up, etc…are his problem too. He also tells Clint, “Well, she’s released and she hasn’t called you. Sometimes that tells you more than you need to know.”
Clint’s face doesn’t appear to show signs of actually absorbing any of this pertinent info. In fact, he looks more like he needs his binkie. But he leaves the office hopeful anyway, assured that he can find his way back to Tracie and continue their love story – which, thus far, only lasted about six blissful hours before homegirl made her escape with one shoe and a rental car.
Well, Mr. Hightower, you tried! Thank you for your service. We, who have a few more brain cells floating around than Clint does, salute you.
Brittany & Marcelino
Alright, it seems I need to recant all of my former pro-Brittany support now because, yo, this chick is a STONE COLD player. This week, Brittany shows us who she really is when she invites her former girlfriend out with her current fiance, hoping for a threesome but just kinda making everyone feel gross and confused along the way. (Viewers and camera crew, included.)
At dinner, Brittany, Marcelino, and Amanda awkwardly talk about their “relationship” which no one can quite define, and which Brittany outright refuses to. Basically, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. But Marcelino did not sign up for this sh*t. No, sir! He’s all, “I did not want Brittany to take the relationship in, um, that direction” when she insinuates wanting Amanda to join them in the bedroom.
To her credit, Amanda is all, F*ck this trick! too when she senses Brittany toying with both of them. She’s not hanging around to be Brittany’s side chick, and she certainly has no interest in double-teaming the likes of Marcelino, who kinda still looks like he wants to stab her and hide her body in the desert. ALLEGEDLY.
After Amanda walks out of the awkward dinner scene, Brittany swears to Marcelino that she’ll be loyal to him
for the next three minutes. But oh, wait – she just wants to have one more tiny makeout sesh with her prison boo in the parking lot first!
Out at the cars, Brittany grabs Amanda and kisses her, swearing that she loves her and wants to be with her always. Amanda wants her too, but she definitely doesn’t want that side of Marcelino sauce that comes with an order of Brittany steak. As Marcelino watches this go down in the parking lot, he wonders what he wants. I mean, other than to murder people. ALLEGEDLY.
Megan & Michael & Sarah
If WeTV and Sharp Entertainment don’t get some kind of Emmy award for this prison-triangle storyline in 2019, I will personally lead the peoples’ riot. Because, seriously, this is the most f*cked up situation I have ever seen play out across an ENTIRE SEASON of any show on any network IN MY LIFE. And even if it means I’m a bad person, I am loving every single jacked up minute of it. (Please tell me I’m not alone.)
At least we have Sarah’s friend, Emmy, on our side, who is witnessing this trainwreck from the sidelines as well and registering a similar look of horror and disgust on her face as the entire viewing audience. As for Michael? The expression on his face still reads S-O-C-I-O-P-A-T-H.
See evidence below:
After fleeing Megan’s bed in Niagara Falls like he was running away from a burning building (or his other wife), Michael wanders back to his baby mama’s house, not even armed with an excuse or story about where he’s been for the last 48 hours. Sarah is livid, and Emmy is apparently not leaving just in case Sarah decides to go HAM on his trifling ass – which he completely deserves.
After Sarah interrogates her husband about where he’s been and who he’s been with, Michael just stupidly shrugs and complains about being yelled at “for no reason.” Ummmmm….WHAT. In tears, Sarah cries that she’s done with all of this crap. Out on the steps, she moans, “I hate my life!” Yeah, girl, we hear you. Your life does suck the big one right now.
Inside, Emmy tells the cameras that she suspects Michael has girlfriends all over the place, and he’ll never be a faithful husband to anyone. Also, Sarah is now confirming that she is, indeed, pregnant, which complicates things considerably. OH MY GAWD, NO.
Thus, it’s both shocking and depressingly predictable when Michael decides to pull the only move he has left. He’ll put a ring on it! Good thing he has a spare one in his pocket from the spare fiance he left back at the Falls. You never know when you’re gonna need an extra set of sh*t like that, amirite? As he slips the cubic zirconia (meant for Megan) on Sarah’s finger, Sarah kisses him and apparently forgives him for everything. Even that tank top. And the fact that he hasn’t changed his underwear in three days. #Commitment
Sarah forgives him so much, in fact, she “accidentally” has sex with him again later that night. <DRY HEAVE> Whelp. No need to ask her, “Is you ovulatin?” this time, Mikey. Your work here is done.
At least we have this iconic moment from Emmy, who looked directly into our eyes for one brief moment, sharing her pure disgust with us as if we were cosmically connected through time, space, and multiple back-to-back prison sentences. Emmy, WE SEE YOU, GIRL! Fist bump.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHO WILL MICHAEL CHOOSE IN THE END? IS SARAH REALLY FORGIVING THIS IDIOT? WILL LIZZIE GIVE THE RING BACK TO SCOTT? CAN BRITTANY LEAVE AMANDA BEHIND? WHEN WILL CAITLIN COME TO HER SENSES ABOUT MATT? WHY IS CLINT…LIKE CLINT?
[Photo Credit: WEtv]