Hear ye, hear ye! The honorable Lizzie – ex-felon, current grifter, and six-figure businesswoman extraordinaire – will be teaching us this week about how to make $800K without ever leaving your prison cell. Or putting on a pair of underwear. Truly, Love After Lockup is all about educating the masses, incarcerated or not. And I, for one, am thankful for the inside tips.
Lizzie’s long-lost protege, Tracie, isn’t faring so well in her recent hustle, though. This week, we find out she’s in lockup again. But Clint, ever the
very slow optimist, is all “MY GODDESS, I WILL WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER!” as he sits around fretting about her whereabouts and wiping snot on his sleeve. The real victim of this clusterf**k is Mother Clint, who can’t throw a collar on her grown-ass son and keep him within electric fence ranges anymore. Instead, she tries to reason with him. Since this is Clint she’s dealing with, this task is basically Mission Freaking Impossible.
Caitlin & Matt
Before we recap Clint’s nightmare, let’s check in with Caitlin and Matt, who are apparently still doing the #NoShower2018 challenge. Matt’s friend, the hardcore vaping guy, takes him to a job interview for a construction gig. The boss is an ex-con himself, so he’s open to giving other ex-cons a chance at rebuilding their lives. Only one problem: Matt is an immature A-hole who has NO DESIRE to work. Also, he doesn’t want to get his fancy New Balances dirty (LOL!) when the boss asks him to prime the paint machine.
Boss man has absolutely no time for entitled, arrogant, and – let’s just say it – extremely stupid guys like Matt. He’s all, “Okay, then! Good luck to you!” when Matt whines about doing even three seconds of work. Matt immediately pops off at the guy, yelling at him and calling him a sucker as he marches away…to the car that he doesn’t own, to the apartment he doesn’t rent, back to the girl who he proposed to with a weed-ring, with empty pockets and a missing tooth.
Yeah, okay. The guy who runs his own construction company is the “sucker.” <side eye>
Caitlin tries to remind Matt that he’ll have to do things he doesn’t like sometimes in life, especially if it means he can get a paycheck. Matt makes excuses. He claims he can’t get another felony by “knocking someone out” his first day on the job – as if that’s the only option when someone hurts his itty bitty feelings.
Caitlin seems to register that she’s not getting through to this idiot. So, she pipes down. But one question remains: Why isn’t SHE working? Where’s HER initiative? Because if she thinks this feckless dude is her ticket to a happily ever after, then we have some highly informative Scott and Lizzie footage to roll for her!
Scott & Lizzie
And here they are, the happy couple…in church. And Lizzie brought both boobs out for the blessed occasion. Scott, meanwhile, apparently brought an extreme face/neck rash to the venue. Or all of this talk about marriage and wedding vows is causing him to break out in a fast-moving case of Grayscale. #GameOfThrones4Eva
In any case, Lizzie is all about acting the part of blushing bride-to-be. She berates Scott for not being able to recite pretend wedding vows on the spur of the moment while she spews some awful Hallmark crap about him being her true love. Jazmynn is pissed off at the entire situation. She tells Lizzie straight up that she’s making a huge mistake. Then, she confronts Scott about moving too fast with her mom.
Jazmynn’s concerns are valid, but she doesn’t seem to understand that Scott – not Lizzie – is the actual collateral damage in this 50-car pileup. We know who’s running game here! Lizzie even tells us about her illustrious career as an incarcerated
prostitute entrepreneur. She had a system of siphoning funds out of her many, many “tricks” – men who apparently sent her a sum total of $800K over the course of her 10-year prison stint. All I have to say to this is: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT! (Also, um, congratulations…?)
But now Lizzie is a woman of the Lord, y’all! She’s done with her tricks. She’s moving on to more toothless pastures. She even dips into the confessional before leaving church to unburden herself to the completely traumatized priest. Okay – I don’t know much about confession, but I’d assume you don’t generally bring both bare t*ts with you into that sacred box.
Brittany & Marcelino
It’s time for Brittany to come clean about her ex-girlfriend, Amanda. A deserted patch of land in the middle of nowhere is just the place to do it! Has this chick never seen Seven?!? As she slowly confesses her meet-up with Amanda at the hotel, Marcelino becomes enraged. He’s like, “IN MY SPACE? SHE INVADED MY SPACE?!?!?”
Brittany shouts at Marcelino to come back after he stomps away, but he’s too busy interrogating the camera crew. “Did you know about this? You HAD to know about this!” he accuses, scaring the bejesus out of whoever is filming this psycho.
Ultimately, Brittany is dead wrong for keeping Amanda a secret. But, um, Marcelino is also a controlling nutbag who wants to skin and stuff this chick rather than be in a relationship with a real, live human partner. Ugh! Why are these two trying to make it work? I don’t get it. NOPE.
Megan & Michael & Sarah
Here’s something else I assume none of us get: How does Michael romance not one, but TWO, women from the confines of his prison cell? Further, how does he plan to extricate himself from the garbage dump of his sticky “situation?” THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF A MAN WITH A PACIFIC PLAN.
In Niagara Falls, Megan wakes up in post-coital bliss. “My legs are sore,” she giggles while Michael fills the camera crew in on “all of the ways” he pleased his woman last night. (Please, someone – anyone – kills us! For real.)
As they stroll around the Falls for their “first date,” Megan celebrates being with her man for the first time in public – and being a virgin no more. All of those Skype lessons apparently paid off. Michael is a grinning idiot too. There’s only one hiccup in their perfect day: Michael has a wife back home who has been blowing up his phone (that she bought him) ever since he disappeared.
Michael ignores Sarah’s calls. Instead, he focuses on his next move. He wants to propose to his QUEEN. He even has a ring to do the deed. Um, ‘scuse me? How and with what fundage did this man purchase a piece of jewelry? Also, who is paying for this hotel room? WEtv, we demand answers!!! We all know Michael couldn’t even afford that poncho at the bottom of the Falls.
Before he gets the chance to pop the question, Michael creates a story about having to go back home to check in with his parole officer. Abandoned again, Megan sobs in bed over how unfair the world is! Oh, lord. This chick literally has no idea how truly “unfair” it’s all about to get when she finds out her fiance’s “parole officer” is actually a WHOLE OTHER FAMILY.
Tracie & Clint
If we truly want to see how unfair the world is, look no further than The Family Clint. This bunch of confused souls is getting wisdom from Dr. Phil. Their son is just about the most pathetic pile of ridiculousness we’ve ever seen on television. Yet they live in a lovely home with tasteful backsplashes and high-end appliances. Why? WHY!
Tracie is still on the lam after her 44th crack run, post-wedding day. But Clint hasn’t given up hope that his goddess will return! He tells his mom what happened on the night of their wedding. “I laid in her lap while she smoked some crack.” Naturally! (But real talk, you guys – can we get that sh*t on a t-shirt? This Cl-oetry practically sells itself – and once again reminds us why every moment from Love After Lockup is a GOLDEN GIFT FROM HEAVEN.)
Clint’s mom is beside herself, reminding Clint that he can’t let a drug ATTIC ruin his life! Even Dr. Phil knows you can’t go dealing with no drug attics. Hmmph. Clint doesn’t care about Tracie’s “demons,” though. He wants to save her from herself! Clint wants to be the man who always pays for her bad dye jobs and overpriced lingerie! He also wants his rental car back that he still hasn’t reported as stolen. Pro tip: You’re going to be buying that WHOLE rental car soon, Clint. Report that sh*t, yo.
Even Clint’s ex-wife/boss/only-norman-person-in-this-mess knows that Tracie is a lost cause. She tellss Clint to cut his losses and get out of this marriage. It only lasted about 6 hours, after all, right? The ex doesn’t want to see Clint go to prison for getting caught up in whatever the hell Tracie is up to out there on the streets. I mean, he certainly won’t fare as well as most on MeetAnInmate.com. (You need to be able to write a profile for that, right? In actual words?)
Meanwhile, Clint is busy making this face and unsuccessfully tracking his own phone with Momma Clint’s phone. Omg, you guys. I CANNOT. Later on, Clint’s ex calls him at home to deliver the news that someone from jail called their work, asking for Clint. As if this is the best news ever, Clint fist-pumps into the air and shouts “Awesome!” when he finds out his wife is locked up again. He doesn’t know what jail she’s in. He doesn’t even know what for. All he knows is that she truly loves him and love can conquer all.
He also says that Tracie’s not a true monster because when she stole his car, his phone, his credit cards, and his dignity, she only took ONE of the two hundred dollar bills out of his wallet. In Clint’s world, this a sign of marital respect. In Tracie’s world, this is a sign that the crack was messing with her eyesight and homegirl didn’t see that other hundy in there. One thing is certain: Nothing can destroy Clint’s blind optimism. I don’t know whether he needs to be smacked or shaken or Lego-man hugged. But, dayum! His big boy juice glass is sure half full
RELATED: Love After Lockup Recap: The $12,000 Lier
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT HAPPENED TO TRACIE? WILL MICHAEL TELL SARAH ABOUT MEGAN NOW? IS MATT EVER GOING TO GET A JOB? WILL LIZZIE MARRY SCOTT WHEN SHE FINDS OUT HE’S BROKE AS A JOKE? CAN BRITTANY AND MARCELINO MAKE IT WORK?
[Photo Credit: WEtv]