This week on Love After Lockup felt like a bridge episode to the final showdown between side pieces and wives, plus a little foreshadowing of breakups to come. Thanks goodness WeTV has added an extra ten episodes after the finale to continue
traumatizing their camera crew filming some of these train wrecks – plus, they’re adding a few new couples to the mix later this Spring!
But for now, we just need to catch up with missing Goddesses and confusing tooth situations. Let’s start with the teeth. Pro: Scott is still wearing his temporary dentures, which GIVES ME LIFE. Con: These new teeth ain’t gonna get him laid.
Scott & Lizzie
While Lizzie is out shopping with a friend for a $2k pile of clothes from a local boutique, she reminds us that Scott “takes care of her” even though she’s not required to “take care of him”…if yaknowwhatimean. Lizzie is a woman of the Lord now, people! She describes how she doesn’t even so much as masturbate anymore because she’s so holy. NOPE. Didn’t need to hear that.
“I’m not a sexual being anymore,” narrates Lizzie as she kneels down in prayer with both t*tties hanging 90% out of her church dress.
Lizzie’s friend, who was also recently released from prison, loves shopping on Scott’s credit card, even though she knows Lizzie is just hustling this man for money. They giggle and squeal “Thank you, Scott!” as the credit card goes through successfully.
Meanwhile back at the motel, Scott is talking to his bestie from CA (the woman he should actually marry) about how broke he is. She has no time to listen to anymore of Scott’s nonsense though, and frankly doesn’t care whether Lizzie scams him out of the teeth in his head. He just about deserves everything coming to his ridiculous ass at this point. Her only advice for Scott when he tells Lizzie he’s broke? “You better duck.” WORD. (Also, Scott: Get some cream for those canker sores that are definitely gonna creep up on you. That might be the only relief you get.)
Jazmyne has also had enough of her mom’s childish attitude, and freaks out when she sees Lizzie coming back to the motel with a sh*tload of new clothes. “You’re a greedy b*tch!” Jazmyne screams at her mom, wondering if she’ll ever stop living in this fantasy land. Ummm, yes – yes, she will, Jazmyne! As soon as Scott’s entire life – including car, home, and dentures – is repossessed in roughly 90 days.
Caitlin & Matt
Speaking of tooth holes, Matt has apparently fixed his too! Is it a Chicklet? A pop-in? An actual new tooth for $3k, which we know his sorry self didn’t pay for? We need some deep investigative journalism here. Anyway, he might have fixed his mouth hole, but he’s still a world class bum.
As Caitlin and Matt eat Mommy’s breakfast at the counter like little children, it’s suddenly dawning on Caitlyn that this may not be the life for her. Matt comforted her for about five minutes after the tragic loss of her mother, but now he’s back to complaining about his VERY BUSY life, and acting like a toddler who needs his meth blankie.
Matt shows what a despicable P.O.S. he is at the funeral home later where he accompanies Caitlyn to pick up her mother’s ashes. But we must pause in the action here to put our hands together in a slow clap with two snaps in a circle for Miss Corretta – funeral director, grief counselor, and witness to the most epic dysfunction she’s possibly ever seen.
While Caitlyn is faced with picking up her mother’s ashes, Matt decides it’s a good time to argue, cuss, and generally be the most despicable boyfriend on earth. Corretta encourages Caitlin to ask for the support she needs, but Matt can’t support priming a paint bucket, let alone his grieving fiance. Though Corretta boldly marches on with her (very solid) advice to both of them, Cailtin and Matt can’t get it together for this one, brief moment. They eventually storm out of the funeral home, mom’s ashes in tow, heading back to the garbage dump of their lives. Let’s just pray Caitlin can climb out of the trash can before it’s too late. Damn! I’m feeling for her.
Tracie & Clint
No one – and I mean NO ONE – is as committed to their garbage relationship as Clint, though. This man is IN IT to WIN IT. Or, rather – lose it. In any case, here’s my wish for all of us: May we find someone who loves us the way Clint loves Tracie. Because, DUDE, this guy’s loyalty to a scamming, lying, cheating crackhead is oddly becoming a thing of grotesque beauty. #NoGoddessesLeftBehind #NotWithoutMyGoddess
This week, Clint is excited (which we can tell because he’s got that little tuft of hair all poofed up for the day) to finally visty Tracie in jail. She’s been locked up for the second time, and she’s got a shiny new tattoo to show off. Clint drags his cousin along for the ride, which only serves as evidence of one thing: There is more than one Clint in the family. Dare we even say that Cousin Clint is so bad off, he actually makes Clint look “together?” Like, on a scale of one to Clint, this guy is maybe a 3.5? It’s troubling. (See photo evidence below…)
When they pull up to the jail, things suddenly go awry. Tracie’s lawyer calls Clint to inform him that he won’t be able to visit her today after all. Clint throws a big boy tantrum all over the field across from Tracie’s jail, complete with chucking his phone into the air, pounding his fist into the car, and screaming “I LOVE YOU TRACIEEEEEEE!” at the jail building, itself. Cousin Clint, freshly awoken from his
meth disco nap, just shakes his head. Seriously, this dude can’t even remember his own name, but even HE knows that Clint needs to dump Tracie, ASAP.
Brittany & Marcelino
Not much to report on this front, except that Brittany’s son is adorable, Marcelino looks slightly less serial-killery in the playground scenes this week, and everyone seems happy (if slightly underwhelmed?) at the news of Brittany’s pregnancy.
All of these critical story points must be shoved aside in the wake of something we saw hanging in Marcelino’s home, however. Something which requires major explanation, and something which has left all of us SHOOKETH.
Apparently, Marcelino was some sort of skeevy model in a past life and, more importantly, STILL KEEPS THIS PHOTO ON HIS WALL FOR EVERYONE TO GAZE UPON.
I don’t even know what to say? Or where we go from here? Please discuss.
Megan & Michael & Sarah
As if fate were saving Megan from herself this week, the long arm of the law intervenes on her “intimate time” with Michael before she can even use her graduate degree in Skype sex.
After Michael picks Megan up at the airport, they get lost on the way to his parole office, rendering them late for Mike’s appointment. Since this is his second time failing to report within the assigned window AND this fool drove himself to the parole office, but ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING, officers arrest him immediately and search his car.
Megan’s all, “I feel violated!” and “This just isn’t FAIR!” when she realizes her one way ticket to Rochester is only gonna result in an extended stay at the Motel 6 all by herself. Michael’s mom at least stops by the motel to inform her son’s side chick that Mike will be locked up for at least four months because of the violation. Does this mean Mom is supporting side chick-ery now? Nope, apparently not. I guess she just wants Megan to know that hanging around in this sad motel room isn’t going to work out in her favor.
Later on, Michael’s mom and Sarah go to lunch, where Sarah voices her suspicions about Michael stepping out on her. Ummmm…ya THINK?! She doesn’t understand where he’s been during these parole meetings. He’s got a 5-hour window to show up, but he can’t seem to make it on time. WHY? Well, because of that pesky second fiance. Sarah vows to get to the bottom of what’s been going on. Although, given WeTV’s endless tease of the Sarah–Megan showdown, who knows when the eff we’ll actually see their confrontation? Hmm. Well, whenever it happens, something tells me Mama Michael will be the reason it does.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WILL MICHAEL’S MOM TELL SARAH THE TRUTH? IS THIS CAITLIN’S BREAKING POINT? WILL SCOTT EVER TELL LIZZIE HE’S BROKE? DOES CLINT NEED AN ADULT GUARDIAN TO MAKE ALL FUTURE DECISIONS FOR HIM?
[Photo Credit: WEtv]