So much déclassé about last night’s Below Deck. Also so many jelly fish. Everywhere. Simone Mashile won some and lost some. She seems like such a nice girl, but unprepared to swim in the real world, and the sharks were circling!
Despite the explosive fight Rhylee Gerber had with Ashton Pienaar and Kevin Dobson over appetizers, the crew still decides to hit the bar. I’m guessing since they were arguing OVER APPETIZERS no one even got to the main course. Maybe the reason they all got so insanely drunk was the result of low stomach contents?
Although Rhylee behaved badly, Kate Chastain still sides with her. Why? It’s because Kevin is a giant obnoxious gob of obnoxious gobbiness. To whit, he is screaming nonsense at the bar and so hammered he can barely function.
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However, Kevin is NOT as bad as Tanner Sterback! Boy, oh boy, did Kate’s old lady sense pay off when she dodged that hook-up bullet! Tanner is so drunk he pukes in what appeared to be a Port-A-Potty. Sanitary! Then he stumbles back to the dance floor, notices Simone shaking it and kisses her. I believe he used alcohol has a disinfectant mouthwash, so there was that, but, but, but – did Simone not taste or smell the puke!? Also, how can you find a man who says “Jiminey” attractive? That’s like the biggest lady boner kill of all time.
Anyway, they start making out. Simone is heart emoji eyes. I am a barf emoji face. And Courtney Skippon is the green rubber squirt gun to someone else’s temple disgusted. To Courtney, PDA means she allows a man to hold her cocktail while she adjusts her purse strap. With Brian de Saint Pern not available, Courtney is instead petting some random person’s dog at the bar. Is this the designated emotional support dog when forced to deal with drunken imbeciles?
On the Uber home from the bar, everyone is so wasted they literally can’t sit up, but they can hookup! Courtney finds Brian still cosseted in his covers, resting his oozing knee, and they go snuggle somewhere. Meanwhile, Simone takes Tanner to bed. Only to cuddle because she is a woman win standards. Oh, really? Seriously I am so shocked Courtney let Brian’s puss-y knee near her in anyway. It just … seems so off-brand.
The next morning I’m not sure how anyone is alive, but I assume this show is secretly sponsored by hangover patches. The silent partners of Below Deck. Captain Lee Rosbach is having his potassium boost banana and practically laughing at how hung over Simone is, but she can still manage to work an iron. And that, my friends, is about the only thing Simone can work properly! I sincerely do not get this girl. Simone is apparently smart, no? She has a math degree of some sort. Yet she cannot put two-and-two together. Like that Tanner is a putz who’s using her for some nookie and if she’s not going to give that, then he’s going to vamoose.
Regretting all the drama from the night before, Rhylee is anxious about encountering her boss and co-workers. Luckily for her Ashton also regrets his actions. Plus Brian is still quarantined, so they need help on deck. Ashton apologizes to Rhylee for his tone and suggests they start over. Privately, though, he is fuming. Quite simply Ashton doesn’t like Rhylee. He can’t stand her attitude, and notices that as soon as she joined this season of Below Deck, the drama started. True, true!
Realizing that his actions were less than professional, Kevin also apologizes to Rhylee. Kevin admits he likes to push people’s buttons to see how people react. How kind! So, I totally predict these two will be hooking up before the season ends. Just me?
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Every drama is wrapping up nicely, except when it comes to Kate and the trouble with stews! Simone is sweetness personified, but she’s frankly atrocious at her job and Kate can’t cope. Kate doesn’t have time to train someone with basically no experience – and even worse, no natural inclination towards service when Courtney is a natural. Also, Courtney sucks at ironing and Simone excels at perfecting the precise creases of Captain Lee‘s trousers.
When Kate sees the limes and lemons Simone dissected to the square root of 3 at a quadrilateral angle of sum – 19.85 she assumes they were butchered by Helen Keller, and she reaches her breaking point. Suddenly Courtney is silently promoted to second stew while Simone is stuffed in the laundry where she can moon over Tanner while giving herself a steam dryer facial! Unfortunately, Kate neglects to inform Simone of this personnel change…
And even more, unfortunately, Simone is feeling on top of the world after winning the affections of her crush who invites her for a rematch (sober!). And, now, Simone assumes she is ready to conquer service. Like Tanner, Simone has bitten off more than she can chew.
The incoming charter is a group of fun moms ready for a girls’ trip. One of the guests, Kelly, is a repeat from last season. Kate remembers her as low-key and mellow. And after the last group, she’s ready to not deal with dicks! Kate is the only person aboard this boat feeling this way!
Speaking of, on their second hook-up, Simone let Tanner do a lot more than cuddle. The next day he gossips to Ashton that he went down on Simone, but the favor was returned with a 12-second handjob that left him with nothing but blue balls. Ashton tells him to repeat the story to Rhylee, who is surprised because she heard from Simone that they only cuddled. In flannel pajamas, no doubt!
Facing another charter without a full crew, Captain Lee decides it’s time to send Brian to the hospital for some IV drugs. Brian is useless if he can’t work. Basically, Lee is prepared to abandon him in Thailand and call in a replacement. Um, who could possibly be more f–ked up than Rhylee? I really don’t even want to imagine!
Brian’s infection turned out to be serious and required some medical procedure. After they pick up the guests and decamp for a beach picnic, Brian is tendered back to the boat and ready to return to light duties. No heavy lifting (aka serving dinner) and no getting water in it. We’ll see how that goes!
Courtney is glad she no longer has to play nursemaid. She can barely handle folding towels and doesn’t have the bandwidth to care about the emotional and physical health of others experiencing icky problems. Plus, Brian’s pus started reminding her of alfredo, and pasta being her favorite food it was a terrible association, so she may have made like Captain Lee and cut Brian loose.
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However, Courtney has accomplished a feat! She is the only person on board whom Kevin respects. Seriously! Kevin respects her as a foodie, given the amount of fancy restaurants mommy and daddy dragged her to, and for Courtney food = love. She must want to eat Brian right up then!
The new charter guests want Italian food and a white party. Kevin considers Kate‘s palate to be worthy of McDonald’s and Cheetos, so he meal plans with Courtney instead to do a rendition of chicken parm with fancy cheese and some other Italian things in shades of white. Meanwhile, Kate decides to throw a beach picnic in a bat cave complete with a disco ball she had Ashton hang from the rocks. It was amazing! Except for the bat poop and the dropping tide which required the guests to drunk-trek back to the tender wearing aqua shoes crossing a bed of sea urchins and jelly fish.
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Kelly worries she may need a hot deckhand to pee on her if she gets stung, which all but guarantees she remains unscathed. Instead, her friend steps on an urchin and has to spend cocktail hour with her foot in a bucket of vinegar. Fun times!
After a supremely hot day in the Thai sun and humidity, slurping every drink Valor has to offer, the guests request dinner inside, where there is an air conditioner, but the table is immediately next to the galley. Also, Captain Lee is joining them. Which means service will have to be conducted in complete silence. Kate recognizes that now is not the time for Simone’s shenanigans of pretending she’s never seen a bottle of beer or giggling over having to turn on the faucet. Kate decides Simone will do turn-downs while Courtney stays on service. Simone is devastated, and starting to catch on that her position as second stew has been eliminated.
Simone takes what appears to be an unauthorized break to call her mom for advice where she complains about feeling stupid and taken advantage of by Kate. Simone’s mom encourages her to stand up for herself. The reality is that Simone may be pleasant and have a will to learn, but she’s completely unteachable! She is not a second stew, because she doesn’t have the skills to be!
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As Kevin’s dinner goes off without a hitch, the guests get drunker and drunker. Two of them saw Captain Lee changing and have to basically eat their own hands to stop from molesting the stud of the sea (if you like Popeye), but Kelly is so wasted she can’t sit still. To amuse herself, she wanders into the kitchen and asks to serve dessert. Kate tries to give her the exalted task of serving Captain Lee, but before she married money or something Kelly was probably a Hooters waitress and wants to brag about the skills she once had. Kelly is more proficient than Simone though! Upon seeing a guest serving dinner Simone becomes furious. After venting to several of the crew about how Kate is treating her, Simone goes to her room to cry and isn’t available to come out when Kate radios for her.
When Simone finally emerges, she requests to speak to Kate. Whatever patience Kate had evaporated when Simone gets an attitude about what her duties are supposed to be and how Kate is supposed to be treating her. We all know Kate is sweet as pie until someone questions her authority. Then, she turns into a bat exposed to sunlight! Basically, Simone will be crying a second time that evening. Talk about highs and lows…
TELL US – IS KATE BEING UNFAIR TO SIMONE OR IS SIMONE INCAPABLE OF SECOND STEW RESPONSIBILITIES? DO YOU THINK RYHLEE WILL BEHAVE THE REST OF THE CHARTER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]