Previously on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Jen Shah wore too much makeup, fancy hair and expensive clothing, while drunkenly berating her costars in flashbacks from three seasons of this train wreck of a show.
The glitchy clips of rich bitches behaving badly culminated in scenes from last week’s episode. All the women got dressed up as Marilyn Monroe, consumed massive quantities of alcohol and ran around their beautiful rented San Diego Air B&B half-naked. The owners of that house must have been horrified to see their paying guests defiling their beautiful home that way. I hope production compensated them well for any damage done.
Jen smashed her super-size fake boobs up against the window from the backyard, while the rest of the girls chanted, “Suck those titties!” Their families must all be so proud. The supercut finally ended with a clip of Heather Gay appearing to innocently unlock the door to her room in the middle of the night . . . dun dun DUN!
Heather’s Mysterious Injury
The next morning Jen received a text from Heather saying, “I have a problem can u come to my room . . . I’m serious.” When Jen arrived, Heather whipped off a very stylish pair of dark glasses, revealing a massive black eye. She also had several scratches on her arm. Something obviously happened, but Heather doesn’t seem to remember what. It’s a mystery. Seriously? These women need to hire a sober companion when they travel.
But then Heather blurted, “I don’t want to talk about it.” The single mom alternated between, “I don’t remember” and “I think we all know what happened . . . you just don’t want to talk about it.” Wow. I’m thinking either Heather got assaulted, or she hit herself in the eye for the attention it would get her.
Lisa Barlow insisted, “Heather, you look like someone clocked you.” Heather responded, “Well, maybe somebody did, but they don’t want to talk about it.” Also she doesn’t think it’s “that noticeable.” Didn’t she have to look in the mirror to apply all that makeup she’s wearing? And even though she’s got a black eye, Heather took the time to apply her false eye lashes — on both eyes!
While flip-flopping between not wanting to talk about it and suggesting that somebody “might” have hit her, Heather decided to just sweep the whole thing under the rug. Or maybe I should say, “turn a blind eye.” LOL.
And with that, the ladies are off to explore beautiful San Diego. Everybody drink! First stop was renting cute little two-person GoCarts to drive around the city in. Are those things even street legal? They don’t look terribly safe to be driving in traffic with actual cars.
Heather wisely chose Lisa Barlow as her cart-mate, knowing that Lisa would talk about herself the entire time, rather than grilling her about her black eye.
“I’m gonna ride with Lisa,” Heather proudly announced. “She’s not even gonna remember I’m there.”
Did Jen Cause Heather’s Black Eye?
Next on the itinerary is wine tasting. Oh good, more drinking!
Lisa, Whitney Rose and Danna Bui-Negrete opted to go rollerblading instead. Except that it turned out to be old school roller skates, not blades. Though she’s a “professional rollerblader,” Whitney apparently hasn’t a clue how to roller skate. “We’re screwed,” she said.
The skaters were having such a great time reliving Friday nights at the roller rinks of their childhoods, they decided to stop for some ice cream. Lisa bragged, “I’m better on wheels than on skis. What can I say?”
Once again the conversation turned to the Mystery of the Black Eye and how Heather was injured. While licking their ice cream cones (that looked delicious, by the way), the three women speculated how it happened.
Whitney wondered if they were so drunk that Heather made some comment to Jen, and Jen popped her one. They do have the “toxic” relationship and all. Actually that was my guess, too. I’m sticking with Jen in Heather’s guest cottage with her fist.
Meanwhile, the Sprinter van going to the winery has arrived at its destination. Jen, Angie Katsanevas, Meredith and Heather admired the beauty of their surroundings, before settling in with a bottle of rosé and a charcuterie board.
In her RHOSLC confessional, Heather complained, “Can we get a normal meal that requires utensils? I am sick of the rolled-up cheese, the tiny crackers, the cluster of grapes.” Heather requires real food with “a fork and a knife.” What is she talking about? I love a nice charcuterie board!
Meredith told Heather, “Whatever happened is really concerning . . . that is not okay at any level.” Heather still refused to talk about it, and asked her friends to “respect my space. I’ve got it handled.” During this exchange, the cameras were going back and forth between Heather and Jen, with Jen taking turns looking concerned about Heather and staring at the cement beneath her feet. It’s Jen! It’s Jen!!!
In another confessional interview, Heather said, “I can’t [tell you what happened]. That’s the game of all of this. Like, I’m not gonna say it until somebody else says it, you know what I mean?” So cryptic.
Is Lisa In Financial Trouble?
In a blatant attempt to divert attention from Heather‘s eye situation, Jen suddenly brought up Lisa‘s efforts to crowdfund $25,000, when she’s the “richest bitch out of all of us.” Nice one, Jen.
Purely by coincidence, back at the beach Angie brought up the very same subject. Cue the clip from two weeks earlier of Meredith discussing Lisa’s financial situation in detail, adding that Lisa’s business is “not making any money.”
RELATED: Heather Gay Felt Targeted By Whitney Rose’s “Friendship Break”
Lisa exploded with, “Why the [bleep] is she talking about my business with you? This is bullsh**.” I think that is Lisa’s favorite expression. She uses it often.
Lisa believes Meredith’s financial gossip is retaliation for the Vida owner’s “hot mic” moment last season, when she totally trashed her former best friend. “[Meredith] is trying to disparage my name, my businesses, my marriage and my family,” Lisa stated.
She continued, “Meredith said her family’s off-limits. Businesses are off-limits. Children are off-limits. Well, guess what? You just came for all my [bleep]ing stuff. So maybe nothing’s off-limits anymore,” she added.
Lisa got in one last jab after claiming that Meredith had accused Lisa of having “mental health” issues. “No, I don’t pop pills, bitch,” Lisa said. “You do!” Oops. That one’s gonna be trouble.
The gossip about Lisa’s financial situation continued in the van coming back from the winery. Only Angie confessed that she was uncomfortable discussing Lisa’s business in her absence, and talking about her business “like she’s doing something shady.”
“There is no way Lisa is broke,” Angie said. “She would not be wearing the brands that she’s wearing, driving the car that she’s driving and living in the home that she’s is living in today [if she were].” Angie decided, “And if that’s what being broke looks like, I’ll take it.” Me, too! Sign me up. The ladies arrived back at the house and de-vanned, while Heather was busy cleaning out what was left of the Sprinter bar and storing it in her purse. Nice move, Heather.
Angie Spills The Tea Before Dinner
Angie hosted a Greek God dinner for the group’s final night in California. I guess Heather decided she couldn’t wear dark glasses at night, so she finally covered her shiner with a cute eye patch. Angie stopped by Lisa’s room to spill the beans about the conversation at the winery. Lisa shared that the same subject of her finances had been discussed at the beach. What a coincidence! It’s almost like production told them what to talk about ahead of time.
Angie concluded that Heather and Jen‘s toxic relationship now includes Meredith. Angie had the best zinger of the night, when she said, “We know Meredith loves her feathers [on her designer dresses]. Birds of a feather flock together, but they’re not ‘pretty’ birds. They’re seagulls, and everybody hates seagulls because they sh** on people.” Gurrrrrrrrl!
The fact that Heather, Meredith and Jen were talking about Lisa’s husband got her even more riled up. Get that “hot mic” ready. Lisa’s fired up. Gathering for their Greek dinner, Whitney noticed that Heather was wearing an Evil Eye eye patch and asked her where she got it. Heather said — wait for it! — “I don’t want to talk about it.” Okay, we get it. Enough with the cover up already.
When Meredith arrived at the table, Lisa gave her a super fake, “Hi-eeee.” Lisa whispered to Danna next to her, “I have a hard time with that.” She also confessed in a production interview that she “feels like Mariah Carey.” I guess because everybody’s talking about her?
Jen stirred the pot by asking Lisa, “What is going on here? Like, you’re, like, all grumpy. When I come down here, your energy is . . .” Lisa fired back, “I’m not grumpy.” Nope. She’s freaking pissed off.
Angie, the hostess of the Greek dinner since she is Greek herself, gifted all the ladies with a tiny Evil Eye necklace. I think they’re all gonna need a bigger Evil Eye. I feel another raging, alcohol-fueled fight coming down Mount Olympus, headed for San Diego.
Lisa said in her confessional, “Could this be any more appropriate? Give me all the Evil Eyes. Anything to ward off these evil bitches.”
Meredith And Lisa Fight…Again
After describing their idyllic day of skating and eating ice cream, Whitney took aim at the elephant in the room. “So I have a question. Who talked about an SEC filing about Lisa? Who brought that up?”
Ironically, the three women who so gleefully discussed how broke Lisa must be over glasses of rosé and little crackers with rolled-up cheese — Meredith, Heather and Jen — were all seated together on one side of the table and exchanged guilty looks.
Meredith outright lied, “I really haven’t talked about it, other than in passing.”
Lisa accused everyone of “chit-chatting” about her and her business. Meredith responded, “Oh, Lisa, you wanna chit-chat about everyone else. Puh-leeze, honey.” So condescending, especially with that nasal New York accent.
Jen had a look on her face like she was just glad it wasn’t her in the hot seat (or the subject of the “hot mic”) for a change.
When the subject of whether Lisa‘s husband John has a job came up, Meredith said that no one is doubting that he has a job. “He works with you,” she stated. Lisa looked at Angie and asked, “Angie, is that true?” Angie looked like she’d rather eat broken glass than be drawn into this conversation.
Heather attacked Angie. “It’s in poor taste to host a dinner where you stir up trouble right before it starts,” she said.
The truth of the conversation came out when Meredith confessed to talking sh** about Lisa because of Lisa’s rant about Meredith’s husband last season. Lisa even admitted that she “said something absolutely ridiculous in a rant.”
A rant that “endangered the livelihood of [her husband’s] 4,000 employees,” Meredith said, waving her pointy finger in Lisa’s face, calling her rant “reckless.” From there things only got worse. The two women argued about whether Lisa’s “hot mic” moment was a “tirade” or a “rant.”
These women are ridiculous. They have such beautiful things, they take fabulous trips to amazing locations. And then they get blackout drunk and scream at each other. Just another day in the life of a one of the Real Housewives.
Whitney came up with the most ridiculous platitude ever. “How do we all move forward . . . knowing that we all love each other.” Really? From what I’ve seen, none of these women “love” anyone but themselves. And I’m asking myself, like I do nearly every week, why do I watch this show?
In the end, Heather gave me the biggest laugh of the night, when she observed, “I think my eye might be a metaphor for our friendships. We woke up, we don’t understand where all of it’s coming from. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes we wear a patch . . . Sometimes we sweep it under the rug.”
As production questioned Heather one last time about whether she truly didn’t remember how she got her black eye, she said, “I didn’t say that. I didn’t ever say that. I didn’t say I don’t remember how it happened. I just said I’m not talking about it. It’s the first rule about Fight Club,” Heather added.
Heather wrapped up her confessional with, “If anyone does a secret knock on your door . . . don’t answer. To be fair, I am still unclear on exactly what happened with my eye, [and] I don’t want to talk about it.”
So she was drunk then. But my money’s still on Jen Shah.
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO HEATHER’S EYE? DO YOU THINK SHE’S PROTECTING JEN? OR DO YOU THINK DRUNK HEATHER JUST FELL AND HIT HER OWN EYE ON SOMETHING?
[Photo Credit: Chris Haston/Bravo via Getty Images]