Once upon a time, in a land far, far away a foolish princess sat in her WeHo walkup, and pledged her love to Jax Taylor, a pile of mashed potatoes that sometimes took on human-esque features and pretended to have a heart, but mostly just oozed brown puss. This princess of purgatory is Brittany Cartwright and on last night’s Vanderpump Rules she had an engagement party
This party seemed like it was supposed to be a wedding, until producers decided to drag out the drama by turning it into an engagement party last minute. Like they expected a huge blowout where Brittany’s dad confronted her about what an insipid ass Jax is. Or Jax and the Toms got in a fight with Brittany’s brothers. Instead, the biggest drama was Scheana Marie crying in a corner because Adam Spott rejected her adopt-a-penguin apology gift.
Also Ariana Madix nervously confronted Lisa Vanderpump‘s about treating the Toms like grownups because then, like, maybe they might, like, act, like, one. Or Tom 1 will at least.
Tonight should come as a great relief because… this is THE SEASON FINALE of Vanderpump Rules. And this was a long season where literally nothing exciting happened! Sure we got Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s engaaaaaaaaygement and the opening of Tom Tom, but it was mostly tales of almost middle-aged people being in denial about how embarrassingly in denial they are while trying to ostracize James Kennedy for fear he’d usurp their jobs.
Anyway, tonight we finally celebrate Jax and Brittany’s decision to yoke, which means that next comes a spinoff wedding special, or the wedding which won’t happen until NEXT SEASON so we’ll be forced to endure to more of this nonsense next year. Please no!
Lala Kent has been very open about her sex life with fiance Randall Emmett. On one episode of Vanderpump Rules, she told Stassi Schroeder about the first time they met. She auditioned for an acting role, they went out after, and as Lala so eloquently put it, she let him “hit it on the first night.”
She revealed, “I let him hit it on the first night and we were inseparable. He would just send me really expensive gifts. The first night we banged, I got a car the next day. He was like ‘Do you want a Range Rover?’ and I was like ‘Yeah.'” So who bought that car? Was it Randall or did he pay for it with borrowed money from 50 Cent? 50 Cent claims that Lala’s man owes him $1 million dollars. And he has been extremely savage with his Instagram trolling. Turn on some post alerts. 50 is really going in.
We all know someone who manages to get by in life with doing the minimum. They never show any aspirations, and are content with just hanging around. And sometimes, those people stumble onto a hit TV show and end up having a bar named after them. It’s just that easy folks.
This very scenario happened to
man child Tom Schwartz. One minute he’s spending his days laying on the couch modeling, and then the next minute he’s on Vanderpump Rules and has a bar named after him. Yes, the same person who had a panic attack when he bartended one shift for Lisa Vanderpump is now her business partner and the other half of TomTom. It can’t be just because of his name can it?
Season 7 of Vanderpump Rules has been all about the (supposedly) improved Jax Taylor. For the most part, he’s been pretty well-behaved. In related news, this is the least interesting season in the show’s history. As much as people love to hate on Jax, he did always bring some premium entertainment.
It seemed like Jax was back in his old form during the last episode of Vanderpump Rules. He had a conversation with Brittany Cartwright’s dad and her other male family members about how he’s his own “number one.” Of course, he got majorly slammed by the viewers, and seemingly Brittany’s family during that scene. But wait, did it really go down like that? Or was there some tricky editing at hand? Jax blames the editing. Of course.
My guess is when you guys think about “true love”, no one from Vanderpump Rules comes to mind. Perhaps visions of Mike and Carol Brady fill your head or Princess Leia and Han Solo… But I’m definitely not picturing Tom Schwartz getting the verbal beat down from
owner wife, Katie Maloney. Visions of Tom Sandoval and glorified roommate Ariana Madix certainly don’t fit. Shall we talk about marriage-bound Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright? No, we better skip them too. Oh, hang on a second, we cannot forget Lala Kent and Randall Emmett. Those two are the epitome of what a REAL relationship looks like. I think we can all agree that Lala would 1,000% be with Rand if he weren’t rich and a Hollywood producer. Because Lala typically goes for men with 19 chins and children from previous relationships. #sorrynotsorry
So who will be next to put a ring on it and start heading down the aisle of permanent togetherness? Even though, Tom 1 and Tom 2 are historically the happiest couple on the show… The Toms do have an idea, but if you ask me it’s more the result of what cast members are left over. Ain’t nobody thinking someone will marry Kristen Doute, like ever. So Stassi, you’re up girlfriend.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the prequel to the season finale, which means the bulk of the episode was spent finally FINALLY giving Scheana Marie some attention and something to do besides machine gun laughing at her own jokes. Of course Scheana wasted all this prime real estate on
Marina del Rey whining about Adam Spott and going on a fake date to make him jealous which obviously backfired like a rusty pickup in a PCH traffic jam!
The other half of the episode was dedicated to Brittany Cartwright‘s family visiting from Kentucky for wedding dress shopping and giving Jax Taylor the third degree. If Jax gets out of this marriage alive he’s leaving with a rat tail, less than half of his savings, and a ripped plaid shirt wrapped around a cold beer can that he’s holding to his temple. Don’t fuck with no redneck daddies! (I’m from West Virginia so I know full well how this goes!)
Tonight Vanderpump Rules inches ever farther away from the ridiculous show about drunken bartenders that we fell in love with as we celebrate Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s engagement.
Luckily Jax is still just as big of an a-hole as ever! With Brittany’s enormous Kentucky family in town to celebrate
mashed potatoes their engagement party, Jax constantly feels on the defense and accidentally insults Brittany’s father and brothers. Even though Jax is convinced he’s changed, he’s still deep in the throes of Number One Guy Complex and his delusions all come crashing through the surface when he’s confronted by Brittany’s father and brothers, who still don’t trust him after he cheated last year.