Mauricio Umansky

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills went to Santa Barbara and all they did was fight. Here a fight, there a fight, everywhere a fight-fight!

Back when Kyle Richards believed anyone cared about the movie she filmed, or more specifically cared about the Saga of Kyle: These are the Kaftans of Our Lives, she invited all the ladies to Santa Barbara. It was really to celebrate the end of her bangs. Literally Kyle went to Santa Barbara and immediately started sweeping back the bangs.

Of course no one cares about Kyle unless they’re making her cry or trying to get her all worked up until Mauricio has to  blow smoke – literally – up her ass. Everyone meets at Kyle’s house to make the long, arduous drive through the steep hills and rocky cliffs to a house perched on the side of a mountain in Santa Barbara where no one can hear them scream. Escape TO witch mountain. Or maybe Kyle can no longer separate horror film from horror reality?

There is a curious thing happening on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills – The gaslighting of Kyle Richards. Also what is up with Teddi Mellencamp? Did fear of Lisa Rinna get her tongue?

First though I cannot even stop laughing at the ridiculousness of Dorit Kemsley with her Buca di Beppo dining room remodel and Dorit behaving as if she was asked to re-do Buckingham Palace.

It’s the best karma ever delivered to see Dorit and PeeeeKaaaay coming across like the grifting fools they are; all wide-eye and shining, believing Dorit is going to leverage a strip-mall dining room remodel into a career as the new Nick Alain. Of course they mentioned that Lisa Vanderpump would be threatened by them infringing on her territory by entering the restaurant business. Robert Earl, the owner of this erstwhile chain of phony Italian restaurants with their inflated prices and pretend ‘old country’ memorabilia, snarks that he’s sure the Vanderpump-Todds will wish them well.

Whew, you guys so much to discuss from last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills but unequivocally my favorite thing ever in this whole world is Denise Richards‘ “I’d like to talk to the manager…” face. Denise may be laid back and getting laid on the daily, but we saw what happens when you try to come for her.

If Kyle Richards believes bringing on Brandi Glanville to destroy Denise’s life (which is just SO GROSS on premise) will work, she’s wrong. I’m totally Team Fucking Denise Richards, and I think most viewers are too.

Also Kyle’s hair this season is just straight up karma! She looks like a matronly old bat from the 80’s attempting sex appeal. Whomever talked her into these messy topknots with teased bangs might be my hero. Reveal yourself – you deserve our praise!

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Teddi Mellencamp hosted an All In retreat which no one wanted to go to at all, so they went all in on Kyle Richards instead.

Despite being invited, told it didn’t matter if she attended, and then ultimately being uninvited there is Sutton Stracke, riding in a car with Kyle and Erika Jayne to Teddi’s retreat.

Sutton, displaying her good southern manners, listens to Kyle prattle on about how busy she is. Being Kyle is an exhausting, nonstop, all-consuming, ever-involved endeavor of Kyle-ness. Like Kaftans Through the kloset karosel, these are the days of Kyle’s life. Sutton is actually only half-paying attention because she’s consumed with her own worries about dealing with Teddi. Even though Sutton apologized and received a reluctant OK to attend the retreat she’s still nervous about what to expect.